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By Tgreen, August 30, 2009 11:30 am

Welcome to Happy Friday, the weekly blog post that apparently has a pretty liberal definition of Friday. And, for that matter, of Happy.

I would’ve been on time this week, but I decided to play a little drinking game where I took a shot every time I heard or read the word “Chappaquiddick”, and I managed to polish off about 2 bottles of Jack Daniel’s in the first hour. I don’t remember much after that, but I think I may have taken a road trip with Sasquatch and the Cream of Wheat Monster.

A new study released this week found that obese people have 8 percent less brain tissue than normal-weight individuals. And 16 percent more secret sauce.

Astronomers have found what appears to be a gigantic suicidal planet whose orbit is bringing it directly into its sun. They figured it was suicidal when they discovered a breakup letter from Jupiter and a huge container of Ben & Jerry’s Comet Crunch in orbit around it.

The first gaming/texting addiction clinic in the US opened this week, but you probably missed the announcement because you were playing Mafia Wars and then writing about it on Facebook.

So far there’s no clinic for writing lame Top Ten lists online. Not that I’m addicted. I can quit any time. And have, like a dozen times the last ten years.

This week it was discovered that a black man was replaced with a white man in a Microsoft online advertisement intended for use in Poland. There was a bit of an uproar about it, but it’s a fairly common thing in advertising. It even has a name. When you replace a black man with a white man, they call it a “Jackson”.

KFC is now offering in two test markets a sandwich that consists of bacon, two kinds of cheeses and sauce between two pieces of fried chicken. Shortly after the sandwich was announced, former President Bill Clinton checked himself into a local hospital for a preemptive triple bypass.

According to technology company McAfee Security, Jessica Biel is the most dangerous celebrity on the Web, because searches for Biel are more likely to lead to online threats such as spyware and viruses than searches for any other celebrity. Before this announcement, the most dangerous celebrity web search was for “Larry King sex video.” Not because it gave your computer a virus, but because it showed you a video of Larry King having sex.

Now, however, Biel is even more dangerous, since a search might bring people here, and no good can come from visiting this page. Sorry.

This week there were reports that Rudy Giuliani may run for governor of New York State. First Bill Clinton brings those women back from North Korea and now Mayor Rudy wants to run for office again. All we need is for OJ to kill someone else and it’ll be like the 90s never left.

And to be honest, I get a little suspicious any time we go too long without some news on OJ, so he might be way out ahead of me already.

This week a steam-powered car set a new speed record. And in other news, it’s the 21st fucking Century. What’s next, a new Twitter app for your telegraph?

As you no doubt heard a thousand times this week, Senator Ted Kennedy died after a battle with brain cancer. In Washington DC, deaths of that magnitude are generally dignified, non-partisan affairs. However, from time to time things don’t go exactly as planned, as you can tell by reading…

Tgreen’s Top Ten Awkward Moments At Ted Kennedy’s Funeral:
10. Funeral procession had to change route four times to avoid driving over any bridges
9. Rally caps ordered for Rush Limbaugh’s after-party accidentally delivered to church
8. Former President George W Bush kept referring to the late Senator as JFK
7. Services delayed an hour as family members tried to remember which other family members they weren’t speaking to (Sorry, that’s one of Tgreen’s Top Ten Awkward Moments At Every Irish Funeral)
6. Kennedy in-law Arnold Schwarzenegger’s tears began flowing from above his eyebrows thanks to several rounds of plastic surgery over the years
5. Unfortunate scuffle in back of church as President Obama attempted to tape Joe Biden’s mouth shut to keep him from saying something stupid
4. Fox News van hosted pre-funeral tailgate party
3. Church ushers forced to work overtime to get women to proper aisles depending on whether they were wives, girlfriends, or assorted mistresses
2. On way to cemetary, half the funeral procession accidentally took wrong turn and started following group of Michael Jackson fans commemorating the King of Pop’s 51st birthday
1. Bar tab for wake arrived looking bigger than the amount owed for the Cash for Clunkers program

And that’s all we have time for this week. Come back next time to see how close to Friday I can hit. Until then, don’t forget to start stocking up on beer and snacks because the football season is about to start and if you’re not prepared to stuff your face you might as well not be an American.

T “shuttle train” green