Hello and welcome to Happy Friday, the weekly blog post that should probably invest in a decent calendar.

This week, in a move that surprised most everyone who heard about it, President Barack Obama won the Nobel Peace Prize. The Nobel committee said he won because of all the ways he plans to bring peace to the world, but we all know the real reason he won is because he’s not George Bush.

Which makes me wonder where my Nobel Peace Prize is. I mean, I’m not George Bush. And I’m totally planning on bringing out some world peace. I just have to finish the latest Poison Pen first. Yeah, new Poison Pen and then world peace. Any day now.

Anyway, while many people are quickly discounting Obama’s win, if you take a close look at his record you’ll see this award is not so outrageous after all, as proven by…

Tgreen’s Top Ten Reasons Obama Is Qualified To Win The Nobel Peace Prize:
10. Never took sides in the East Coast/West Coast rap wars
9. Always ended every game of Risk with a peaceful negotiation
8. Didn’t launch even one missile when Chicago lost its Olympic bid
7. Is able to enjoy both The Simpsons and Family Guy every Sunday night on FOX
6. Stayed out of the Cola Wars of the 80s by sticking with RC
5. Totally sings along with that song that goes War, uh huh, good god, what is it good for, absolutely nothin’, I’ll say it again, yeah with a knowing look in his eye
4. Watched the original Star Wars a dozen times hoping that they could work things out without having to blow up Alderaan or the Death Star
3. During the mid-90s, made sure to watch both Leno’s and Letterman’s shows to keep the Late Night Wars from flaring up in his household
2. Saw Wargames three times in one day to ensure he’d be prepared if his Commodore Vic-20 ever tried to start a nuclear war, and not because the had a crush on Ally Sheedy
1. In nearly ten months as President has so far managed to prevent a full-scale zombie war from breaking out

Conservative talk radio host Rush Limbaugh said this week that he’s teaming up with St. Louis Blues owner Dave Checketts in a bid to buy the Rams. There’s no word yet on what color quarterback Rush would hire, but it won’t be a black one.

A judge said last week that he’s pleased with how Michael Jackson’s children are adjusting to being in their grandmother’s care. He then followed that statement with this answer to a reporter’s question, “No, I haven’t met Joe Jackson yet, why do you ask?”

A customer at a New Jersey Burger King drive-thru was slashed with a knife by a homeless person this week. Worst dollar menu item ever.

In hundreds of meetings with millions of its members to promote a health care overhaul, AARP has often found itself forced to referee a battle between generations. That battle? Get off my damn lawn!

Last week, Tufts University formalized what for many was probably an unspoken rule: no sex when a roommate is present, by adding a rule that students cannot have sex in their room if it will deprive their roommate of sleep or study time. My university had its own solution to the problem — there were only like a half dozen girls in the whole damn place.

Oh, and no dorm rooms either.

The average retail price for gasoline dipped below $2.50 a gallon for the first time in two months last Monday, prompting at least four oil executives to fire everyone responsible.

Employee misconduct investigations inside a taxpayer-funded foundation that doles out billions of dollars of scientific research grants revealed that a senior executive spent at least 331 days looking at pornography on his government computer. The executive’s lawyer defended his client’s actions by saying he’d been hired during the Clinton administration, where 331 days of viewing pornography was considered rather low.

The ever-popular American Girls brand has released a controversial new doll named “Gwen,” a character who’s actually homeless. With a pricetag of $95, the doll is only about ten bucks cheaper than an actual homeless person.

Chicago’s dream of an Olympics-sized stimulus was dashed last week when the 2016 Summer Games were awarded to Rio de Janeiro, prompting talk show host Oprah Winfrey to drop Brazilian waxes from her list of “favorite things.”

This week NASA launched a mission to bomb the moon. Which really sounds a lot more like something that the Bush Administration would’ve tried if it thought the moon had messed with Texas.

The LCROSS (Lunar CRater Observing and Sensing Satellite) mission sent a missile traveling at twice the speed of a bullet to blast a hole in the lunar surface near the moon’s South pole in an attempt to find signs of water on the moon. Which, coincidentally, is the same reason Iran keeps giving for why it wants to launch a missile into downtown Jerusalem.

In other space news, astronomers may be on the brink of discovering a second Earth-like planet, a find that would add fresh impetus to the search for extraterrestrial life, or, at the very least, give us a new place for Republicans and Democrats to argue over who’s worse.

Sarah Palin, the former Alaska governor and Republican vice presidential candidate, has finished her memoir just four months after the book deal was announced, and the release date has been moved up from the spring to Nov. 17, her publisher said. Of course, when your biggest accomplishment is helping Tina Fey score an Emmy, one has to wonder why it even took this long to write a memoir. The book weighs in at 400 pages. That’s a lot of crayons.

Word is Rush Limbaugh’s already bought two tubes of lubrication to use while reading.

Talk show host David Letterman was recently the victim of a blackmail plot, which forced him to reveal that he’d had several sexual relationships with members of his Late Show staff. Hard to imagine, huh? Maybe not, once you’ve read…

Tgreen’s Top Ten Most Successful David Letterman Pickup Lines:
10. Hey, baby, wanna let Paul and the band play you in?
9. Hey, baby, let me show you a really Stupid Human Trick
8. Hey, baby, wanna be a guest on the Late, Late, Late, Late, Late Show?
7. Hey, baby, I’ll bring the monkey if you’ll bring the camera
6. Hey, baby, wanna find out if it’ll float?
5. Hey, baby, I’m not wearing any pants behind this desk
4. Hey, baby, I’ve got a cut of meat you should know
3. Hey, baby, I can take you right to prime time (sorry, that’s one of Tgreen’s Top Ten Most Successful Jay Leno Pickup Lines)
2. Hey, baby, wanna help me beat the Conan?
1. Hey, baby, wanna see my Top Ten?

And that’s all we have time for this week. Until next time, enjoy the football and enjoy the hockey and enjoy…wait, are there any other sports still going on right now? I don’t think so.

T “what a lovely development this is” green