I’m Tgreen and this is Happy Friday, the weekly dose of online irrelevance that lately has been deader than the King of Pop himself. But before we get to that news…

This week, researchers announced that sperm travels faster toward attractive women. Which only makes sense, since that’s where it’s aimed more often than not.

The researchers promised more data as soon as they clean off their computer monitors.

In a semi-related story, this week NASA took its first steps to introducing the Internet to space. Astronauts uploaded some pictures and videos of some of Earth’s natural wonders, and then downloaded some pictures and videos of some of Earth’s, uh, shall we say, not-quite-so-natural wonders.

In political news, former VP nominee Sarah Palin resigned as governor of Alaska, saying that Alaskans will be better off without her over the next 16 months. In a related story, this week I agreed with something Sarah Palin said for the first time ever.

Of course, the real tragedy is that with Palin out of work, Tina Fey loses a pretty sweet side gig.

This week his friends and family held a public memorial for King of Pop Michael Jackson. Jackson’s death last week came as quite a shock, because apparently several of his parts were still under warranty.

Details of Jackson’s will are starting to come out, but so far there’s been no word on who gets custody of Tito’s career.

If you want to imagine a really awkward moment, just try to picture the post-mortem meeting between King of Pop Michael Jackson and his ex-father-in-law King of Rock & Roll Elvis Presley. Oh, to be a fly on the wall at the Waffle House where Elvis works second shift.

In sports news, the New York Mets are celebrating the 40th anniversary of their miracle 1969 season by trying as hard as they can to win no more than 40 games.

I think they can do it.

This week a California teacher gave her 5th grade class a DVD that included classroom memories and a scene of the teacher masturbating. School officials said that it was an unfortunate accident and the teacher would not be fired, but they’re unsure of where they’re going to be able to hold the class’s next parent/teacher conference, which currently has the highest response rate from fathers that the school has ever seen.

When I was in 5th grade, all I got was a Christmas card from my teacher. Kids today are totally spoiled.

Scientists this week announced that lab monkeys put on restricted diets live longer than monkeys whose diets aren’t restricted. They’re also twice as likely to try and overthrow their human masters and therefore turn the world into a post-apocalyptic ape-ruled society.

But at least we didn’t have to hear anything about how fast their sperm moves, so at least we’ve got that going for us. Which is nice.

In entertainment news, the new Transformers movie has already brought in $300 million, which I think bodes well for the script I’ve been working on, tentatively titled Slinky, Conquest of the Basement Stairs.

And finally, legally blind New York State Governor David Patterson appointed a new Lieutenant Governor this week. When asked why it took him so long to do this, Patterson said he “didn’t see the need before.” Which brings us to…

Tgreen’s Top Ten Other Things David Patterson Didn’t See:
10. The humor in that statement I just quoted
9. His reflelctionwhile shaving this morning
8. Any pictures of that thing Michael Jackson claimed was his nose
7. The Macy’s Fourth of July fireworks
6. That it could be even remotely possible that he’d be making me feel kind of nostalgic for George Pataki
5. How poorly cast that new Star Trek movie actually was
4. That the NYS Senate didn’t actually close — it just took some time off and hit the beach to get a killer tan
3. The punchline to any of today’s jokes at least 20 minutes before I wrote them, which means he was the only one
2. How super-creepy Michael Jackson’s father looks these days
1. This picture:

And that’s all we have time for this week. Until next time, go update your picks in your Celebrity Dead Pool, since apparently half the legitimate choices have now been used up.

T “Regal Beagle” green

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