Hello everyone and welcome to Happy Monday, which is basically the same thing as Happy Friday, just 3 days late. Or 4 days early, if you’re an optimist. But honestly, if you’re an optimist are you even clicking a link to one of these? Unless one must be an optimist to even consider coming here. Hmmm, a philosophical conundrum to be considered at a later date. For now…

This week an old video clip of masturbation-hating, witchcraft-dabbling Republican candidate for Senator Christine O’Donnell featured the Delaware Congressional hopeful saying that evolution is a myth. She then asked why, if evolution were real, monkeys weren’t still evolving. Now that’s a perfectly reasonable question to ask, if you first take a spork and scoop out large portions of your brain, but instead of asking why this hasn’t happened yet, O’Donnell should’ve just thanked her lucky stars that it isn’t happening that way, because we’ve all seen what will happen if monkeys continue to evolve:

httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gb4eZ7Z5yk8

In education news, this week President Obama announced he wants to extend the school year. Because apparently a recent poll showed that grammar school children was the lone demographic that gave him an approval rating over 30% and this was the only thing he could think of that would get them in line with everyone else.

In Worst Product Endorsement Ever news, the owner of the Segway company in England died this week after driving his Segway off a cliff. I’m guessing this means no holiday party?

A new Department of Justice investigation shows that cheating was rampant on the FBI’s domestic spying test. Agents were able to pass the 51 question test by copying from a fellow agent, bringing the answers into the testing room, or exploiting a computer glitch that revealed the test answers. All useful skills should the next domestic spying case need to be broken in an 11th grade midterm.

Bishop Eddie Long of Georgia this week was accused of having sex with several young men in his congregation. These men of the cloth all claim that they hear a calling to do God’s work, and more and more I think the voice that’s calling them must sound like a Jonas brother.

In world news, North Korean leader Kim Jong-il promoted his son Kim Jong-un to the rank of general in anticipation of making his son his successor. Jong-un was chosen for the job because of his intelligence, temperament, and because he rocks the olive drab jumpsuit and sunglasses combo.

This week the UN denied that it was about to name an ambassador in charge of first contact with alien life. And really, can you blame them…

httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jOVc4TMjHpk

The producers of Sesame Street cancelled an appearance by entertainer Katy Perry (I just can’t bring myself to refer to her as “singer” after seeing her on Saturday Night Live) after a video of her singing with Elmo that was posted on YouTube brought down a hail of complaints from parents. The producers didn’t say why exactly they cancelled the appearance, just that they had two reasons. Two big, soft, pillowy reasons.

Last week the UN General Assembly met in New York, tying up traffic for miles. At the time, I complained on Twitter that next summer I was going to go to all the countries in the UN and tie up traffic for them. Since then, I took a look at my budget and realized that I would not, in fact, be able to afford such a large undertaking. So instead I looked into what I can afford to do, which brings us to…

Tgreen’s Top Ten Affordable International Protests:
10. Go to Little Italy and ask for directions to nearest Olive Garden
9. Replace all Spanish language subway signs with English ones
8. Leave a small tip at the IHOP
7. Disrupt game of Chinese Checkers
6. Give away ending to every movie at Godzilla marathon
5. Go to Irish pub and ask for English muffin
4. Start rigged game of Russian Roulette in Coney Island
3. Blast Blame Canada at the Tim Horton’s on 33rd St
2. Overturn Risk board before your opponent can win
1. Rent every copy of Crocodile Dundee from Netflix to deny the rest of the country the opportunity to enjoy Paul Hogan’s lighthearted antics

And that’s all we have time for today. Join us in way less time than is really advisable for Happy Tuesday!

T “me and my shadow” green