Hello and welcome to Happy Thursday!, the blog post that apparently doesn’t care what day it is anymore and will show up whenever the hell it pleases. Kind of like that creepy ex you used to have, except with less liquor and crying.

But not that much less. And now, on to the news…

Drinking a little alcohol during pregnancy is okay for many women, according to a new study commissioned by the Association to Create More NASCAR Fans.

Doctors are working on a new chart to help pregnant women drink safely under these new guidelines. The chart will show how many drinks you can drink before you give birth to, say, a George W. Bush, or how many more you’d have to drink to give birth to a Sarah Palin, or how many more you’d have to drink before you could give birth to the next winner of CBS’s Big Brother.

One of the Pope’s scientists said this week that he would look forward getting the chance to baptize an intelligent extraterrestrial being. Left out of that equation is the fact that if the extraterrestrial was intelligent enough to speak, it would probably have to decline the baptism on the grounds that it’s already a practicing Scientologist. Though if it was really an intelligent alien, it would’ve turned right around once it picked up on this:

httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jOVc4TMjHpk

That story does make me wonder about the guy it quotes, though. “Pope’s scientist” sounds about as likely a position as “Hitler’s rabbi,” doesn’t it? I mean, it’s not like the Church and science have ever friended each other on Facebook, you know.

In an attempt to separate itself from the liberal-leaning cable TV network, MSNBC.com is considering changing its name. Top choice so far? WedontevenknowKeithOlbermann.com.

In a new NBA Jam video game for the Wii, there’s apparently an unlockable team of Democrats, featuring President Barack Obama, Joe Biden, Bill and Hillary Clinton, and Al Gore, as well as a team of Republicans that includes George W. Bush, Sarah Palin, John McCain and Dick Cheney. The game’s creators say that you can create matchups between any combination of players and politicians, but they add that the game box will include a warning about how not to hold the Wii controller if you’re playing as Bill Clinton, for what they term “obvious reasons.”

In sports news, in Game 1 of the National League Division Series, Philadelphia Phillies pitcher Roy Halladay threw only the second no-hitter in postseason play against the Cincinnati Reds. But it’s not all bad news, Reds fans. On the bright side, Pete Rose won a couple of bucks on the game.

And in other sports news, it was recently reported that at this year’s Commonwealth Games, being hosted in India, they’re using large monkeys to police the event areas to keep out smaller monkeys. Which seems like a good idea until you consider that the only reason the smaller monkeys were even there is because they were being used to keep out weasels, who’d originally been brought in to keep out cockroaches, who were only there in the first place to keep away New York Jets fans. And that’s kind of ironic because as it turns out, if the large monkeys get out of hand, the only way to get rid of them is to turn some horny, liquored-up New York Jets fans on them.

Of course, you have to wonder who thought it was a good idea to put the monkeys in charge of security in the first place, as this closed-circuit footage from the Commonwealth Games shows…

httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QyKTAyPcnPg

In religion news, a recent study showed that on a 32-question test about religion, atheists and agnostics scored better than religious believers did, with Roman Catholics doing the worst. Which just goes to prove you don’t need book learnin’ to hate on the gays.

The Wall Street Journal this week reported rumors that Apple has begun work on its next iPhone, possibly to be called the iPhone 5. This, of course, is the journalistic equivalent to reporting rumors that the sun will come up tomorrow. Here’s another hot tech tip for you, WSJ: Apple’s also working on the iPhone 6 and probably has some notes written down for iPhone 7 and 8. You guys can quote me on that. You’re welcome.

In New York City this week, the MTA increased mass transit fares by 17%. But in an attempt to make sure they provide something extra to their customers, the MTA announced that it will also be increasing subway delays, garbled station announcements, and in-car deodorant failures by the same 17%.

A story in The Nation claims that former CNN anchor Lou Dobbs, whose anti-illegal-immigrant stand defined his show for many years, actually employed illegal aliens himself at his horse farm. Dobbs said in response that if there were illegal aliens working on his farm, he didn’t hire them and he didn’t know about it, but he immediately began building a 30′ tall fence around his property to prevent the illegals from ever working for him again.

This week UPS announced it would be hiring 50,000 temp workers for the upcoming holiday season, which ultimately creates 100,000 jobs. 50,000 UPS jobs, and 50,000 brown-shirt-manufacturing jobs, which is good, because the latter industry is still trying to recover from its 1945 collapse.

This week marked the start of the MLB playoffs, which is an exciting time if your team is still playing October baseball, and a big sports void if you root for the Mets or the Pirates or the Cubs or the Angels or any of the other teams that are usually parked in front of the TV by this part of the season. So what if you are one of those unlucky fans without a team in the playoffs? Is there anything you can do to ease the sting of another lost season? Of course there is, as you’ll see when you check out…

Tgreen’s Top Ten Things A Baseball Fan Can Do To Avoid The MLB Playoffs:
10. Buy the latest Strat-O-Matic, put together a team of the best, most exclusive players, beat up on your friends’ teams (aka “pulling a Yankees”)
9. Introduce yourself to those small humans wandering around your house who’ve been calling you “daddy” since April
8. Rent the DVD set that covers the last time your team won a World Series and watch that over an over (Cubs fans, you’re gonna have to rent the teletype)
7. Buy a 6-pack, hunker down in front of the TV, and yell at the officiating on Dancing With The Stars
6. Tune in to the start of the NHL season (fans of the Rangers, Islanders, Coyotes or Ducks might want to skip this one just to avoid the same problem in April)
5. Call your doctor and tell him you don’t need the full strength cholesterol medicine anymore since you won’t be eating 3 hot dogs a day again until next Spring
4. Use the extra time to make your best “Wait ’til Next Year!” t-shirt design ever
3. Flip over to the NASCAR Chase, since you don’t really care about that either but at least you might see a car crash
2. Head on down to the theater to see Katherine Heigl in Life As We Kno oh wait, it’s already out on DVD
1. Have you met the NFL?

And that’s all we have time for this week. Be sure to come back next time for an official Happy Friday!, though I can’t guarantee what day of the week it’ll turn up.

T “ape shall never kill ape” green

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