Stumbled across an article recently that offered some advice on what not to do at your office holiday party. It offers some good advice, as far as it goes, but it could do better.

Office parties are a strange ritual. Sure, it’s a party, and who doesn’t love a party? Free food. Maybe free booze. What’s not to like? But it’s a party with the same miserable bastards with whom, through no fault of your own, you’re trapped for 8 hours or more every day. Are free cookies and some store-brand egg nog enough to balance that out? Unlikely. And since it’s Christmas, there’s a good chance some fat coworker is going to be forced into a Santa suit and that’s just bad for everybody.

Over the decades I’ve been to more than a few office holiday parties, and I’m going to take a moment to share some of my hard-won knowledge to help you avoid the pitfalls so many others before you have encountered. I hope it’s not too late to save some of you. Everything mentioned on this page stems from a 100% true story. Only the names have been removed to protect the guilty. So, here are some things to keep in mind for this year’s office party:

Just Don’t Go
You can’t actually follow that bit of advice, but I do need to include it because it’s the simplest, most effective way to get you through the holiday season without either completely embarrassing yourself or accidentally dropping a hand grenade onto your career. Now that we’ve gotten the most obvious and least likely bit of business out of the way, let’s see what else we’ve got.

If the party’s being held in your office, at least make sure it’s not anywhere near your desk
All day long you sit at that desk, marking time until the grim reaper pays a visit. If they throw a party there, how festive can you be when you’re sitting in the same damn seat surrounded by the same damn page-a-day desk calendars and clipped Dilbert cartoons and pictures of your coworkers’ freakishly ugly families? At this point the only difference between regular work day and party is that there’s alcohol. And be honest, there are days when the addition of alcohol wouldn’t mark a difference between work day and party. Make sure those party planners plan something down the hall. Not only does it give you even the slightest change of scenery, but it’s easier to sneak out when things get dull, and if the party’s in your office, trust me, that’s gonna happen real soon.

If you see a senior VP doing the Chicken Dance and walking drunkenly into a wall, you did not see a senior VP doing the Chicken Dance and walking drunkenly into a wall, and you are obviously mistaken
Does this even need to be explained? The stupid behavior of anyone above you in the food chain operates under a cloak of invisibility. You didn’t see it. It didn’t happen. Exceptions include drunken passes that you’re not interested in, drunken passes you are interested in but are sober enough to recognize as a bad idea, and anything that involves on-site nudity.

Drunk people can bounce way better than sober people
See that drunk coworker downing the one glass of wine beyond what can be consumed without falling to the floor? Well, stand back. That drunk will go all wobbly, drop to the floor in what looks like slow motion, and get there without injury. If you try to interfere, odds are good your sober body, which possesses few Gumby-like properties, will trip and fall and possibly end up in the emergency room with a busted ankle. Simple rule: let them drop, have a good laugh at their expense, and then assess the damage.

If your coworker disappears for a half hour and then returns with a mysterious stain at the bottom of his shirt, don’t ask questions
Of course you want to know the answers, but you can’t ask. If a brag-worthy story led to the stain, you’ll eventually hear about it. And if it’s a stain of humiliation, it’s guaranteed someone witnessed it and by next Tuesday you’ll read all about it on Facebook. But during the party, look at the stain, accept its existence, and move on.

If the intern, who may or may not even be of legal drinking age for all you know, wants to make egg nog with a booze:nog ration of 2:1, it’s not your place to interfere
People need to learn from their mistakes. If you tell someone that’s too much booze, that person might listen to you but won’t know why. If that person nearly gives the entire company a serious case of alcohol poisoning, a lesson has been learned that will not soon be forgotten. That’s why you’re here, to teach.

You don’t want to get stuck with the pink frilly underwear at the end of the Yankee Swap
I mean, for one thing there’s a 50/50 chance you’re not even the correct gender to wear them. And for another, even if they fit you like a glove, do you want to cover your underwear zone with something that was previously manhandled by one of your coworkers? I thought not.

If you look around the room and realize everyone you work with looks like a freak, you’re probably in deep denial about how much of a freak you actually are
Seriously, your company employs 50 freaks and one super-cool normal guy? You’re cousin Marilyn to your company’s Munsters? Not likely, freak.

If the party venue offers any games of skill, like pool, darts, beer pong or even full-contact Jenga, let your boss win
Sure, the boss might seem too drunk to remember your victory dance, but odds are someone will, and then you can kiss that bonus goodbye.

If the coworker you’re crushing on brings a husband/wife/boyfriend/girlfriend/significant other of some sort, you cannot spend the night hating that person and plotting their demise
That’s what the new year is for.

If Santa shows up, give him a wide berth
Otherwise this might happen:

And no one wants this to happen.

For yet another consecutive year, the mistletoe belt buckle is a bad idea
It’s offensive, a potential fire hazard and, most importantly, there’s a decent chance it’ll attract the exact wrong person, and then where will you be?

If you have any kind of resentment against anyone you work with/for/or above, steer clear of the scotch (Or, to put it more clearly, everybody steer clear of the scotch)
Too many people think free booze = drink the good stuff. But if you live a Miller Lite lifestyle the other 364 nights of the year, trying on the Johnny Walker lifestyle for 1 corporate-sponsored evening is not going to go well. If you don’t know Johnny, you’re gonna think he’s your new best friend and when he eggs on your every crazy thought, you’re gonna open your mouth and say them all. But Johnny’s not your friend. He knows this is just a one night stand and he’s gonna do to you what usually happens on any one night stand, and it won’t be pretty. If there’s anyone you dislike enough to talk trash about, and if you have a job there’s at least one person there who qualifies, stick to your usual. You might still wake up with a headache the next morning, but at least that headache will still be employed.

If you just don’t care anymore what you say, order up a gin and tonic
Gin and tonic won’t make you less likely to say something stupid, but you’ll look classier as you get there.

So there you go, some hard-earned holiday wisdom to keep in mind as you venture out there for some corporate-mandated holiday cheer. Enjoy the season, and really enjoy that gin and tonic if that’s the route you choose to take. Happy Holidays!

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