Just a reminder, we’re coming up on the two days you are absolutely, positively, under no circumstances allowed to call out sick. Do you even have to ask why? First up, we’ve got St. Patrick’s Day on the 17th. Call out sick then and everyone you work with is gonna know you’re passed out on some bar, open tap crammed in your mouth.

I mean, we all know you’re the type who would invent an entire adopted family if it provided you with some new family members you could kill off when you want some time to attend their fake funeral. So it’s not a stretch to assume that when you say you’ve got some kind of bug on the 17th, you really mean the drinking bug. And your plan to eliminate this bug is to drown it repeatedly with Jameson’s and Guinness. Your fake cough, while impressively authentic-sounding, fools no one.

And if the 17th is bad, the 18th is worse. Call out on the 18th, even if you legitimately have coughed out a lung, tripped over it, fallen down the stairs and suffered two concussions and a ruptured spleen, and everyone thinks you can’t hold your liquor.

So be careful over the next two days. Your reputation is at stake, and considering what you did at the office Christmas party after totally ignoring my advice about that, it’s not like you have a whole lot of reputation left in the first place. Think it’s annoying when your coworkers think back to that night and call you the “Millimeter Monster”? Call out on Friday and see what happens.

See you in the office.

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