I’m Tgreen, and this is Happy Friday, your one-stop shop for the same four jokes since 1995.

This week a car full of subway commuters was trapped without air conditioning for 30 minutes after a woman released a box of live roaches and crickets on the train. Fortunately, the MTA was able to leap into action because it already has a name for exactly this situation. It’s called Wednesday.

This week Speedo dropped its sponsorship of Olympic swimmer Ryan Lochte in the wake of his false story about what happened to him in Rio. A Speedo spokesperson said they had no choice but to drop Lochte, because “there’s no room for a lie in a Speedo. Seriously, have you seen one of these things? There’s literally no room for anything in there, much less a lie.”

Brazilian authorities have ordered Lochte to return to Rio to face charges for making a false police report, which means he’s now facing a choice between possible jail time in Rio or a season on Dancing With the Stars. It’s a harder choice than you might think.

Former Presidential candidate Michelle Bachman announced this week that she’s advising Republican candidate Donald Trump on foreign policy. Bachman said she foresees no problem with this new job despite the fact that her knowledge of foreign policy mainly comes from a Star Trek-branded copy of Risk she picked up on the cheap at a yard sale.

We also learned this week that a 12-year-old boy is running the Trump campaign’s ground operation in Colorado. Around the campaign he’s known as the overqualified one.

Louisiana lawmakers Steve Scalise, Bill Cassidy and John Fleming, who voted against a $50.5-billion relief package for Superstorm Sandy victims, signed a letter to President Obama this week asking for a disaster declaration for their state after last week’s historic floods. They figure it will be pretty easy to get emergency funds because they don’t have to worry about any assholes from Louisiana voting against them.

Police in Western New York are looking for a man dressed in a Batman mask and Captain America  costume who stole two 18-packs of beer. And in related news, Tony Stark has apparently fallen off the wagon again.

This week the FBI revealed that 15,000 more emails that Hillary Clinton didn’t hand over to investigators will be released in October. Since more than half of them involve correspondence with a prince from Nigeria asking for money, they’re obviously related to her State Department work.

This week the price of an EpiPen spiked from about $100 to more than $600. Mylan, the manufacturer, blamed the price hike on changes in insurance, but after it was revealed that their CEO gave herself a $18-million raise last year, the company announced that it would offer discounts to customers. Which is better than their original plan — a smaller EpiPen filled with a sedative to ease the shock of the price increase on the regular EpiPen.

This week NASA announced that it had found a spacecraft that was lost in space for two years. They were able to find it when their radios began picking up a broadcast that kept repeating “Danger, Will Robinson!”

According to the Associated Press, more than half of those who met with Hillary Clinton as a Cabinet Secretary gave money to the Clinton Foundation. A Clinton Foundation spokesperson said that this was entirely unacceptable and someone was going to be fired over it, because the original deal was supposed to be for no less than 90%.

Campaign documents show that the Trump campaign paid $356 to the speechwriter who wrote Melania Trump’s RNC speech. Which means that after Michelle Obama gets her cut, the speechwriter isn’t taking home very much at all.

A new study revealed that working less might make people more productive. And in related news, it appears I’ve worked with some of the most productive people in the world.

This week former new York City Mayor Rudy Giuliani told people who want to find out the truth about Hillary Clinton’s health to Google it. And let me tell you, this is a very efficient method because after you’re done looking up Hillary’s health you can catch up on the latest Bigfoot sightings.

Just be sure not to Google “Donald Trump rape”, though, because of all the information you can find with Google, I doubt Rudy wants you to read about that.

I have to say, Rudy was a lot less prone to falling for conspiracy theories back when he still had the combover. Did he keep some tinfoil tucked under that thing?

In response to recent stories that former Met and Yankee pitcher Dwight Gooden was once again doing cocaine, the New York Yankees offered to pay for his rehab if he would only get help for himself. The Mets wanted to help too, but they told Dwight he’d have to see if Bobby Bonilla had any spare cash to give him.

Scientists announced this week that they may have discovered an Earth-like planet orbiting Proxima Centauri, the star closest to our own. And in related news, Donald Trump announced he’s gonna need a taller wall.

They say the planet is “Earth-like”. Does that mean the people who live there are hell-bent on destroying the place and each other? Or does it mean something different to scientists?

A baby born on a Cebu Pacific flight was granted 1 million air miles in honor of the birth. No free WiFi, First Class upgrade or extra carryon bag, though. You have to be triplets or better to score that kind of swag.

And finally, this week McDonalds removed a device that tracked physical activity from its Happy Meals. Not because this was an invasion of privacy or anything like that. No, it was just that after three weeks, they hadn’t tracked any activity.

If you’ve gone anywhere near a movie theater lately, you’ve no doubt seen that superhero movies are the big thing. This summer we had Batman v Superman, Captain America: Civil War, and Suicide Squad, with Doctor Strange following this fall and dozens more on the schedule for the next 10 years or so. All this might make you think that the comic book industry is booming, but that’s not what’s happening at all. No, the comic book industry is in dire straits thanks to an aging fan base that has squeezed out the children who used to be the primary customers. Things have gotten so bad that publishers are being forced to update many of their classic titles in order to give this audience a more relatable reading experience, as you’ll see when you take a glance at…

Tgreen’s Top Ten Comic Books Designed to Appeal to an Aging Fan Base:

10. Ol’ Archie

9. Silver Scooter

8. Peter Parker, the Spectacular Middle Manager

7. The Elongated Prostate

6. The Fantastic Four Hours of Seep Before Having to Get Up to Pee

5. The Uncanny Ex-Wives

4. Plastic Surgeon

3. The Really-Really-Really-Post-Teen Titans

2. Crazy Cat Woman

1. Assisted Suicide Squad

And that’s all we have time for this week. Come back next time for the same jokes, just in a slightly different order. Until then, keep it out of the tall grass, don’t fall, if you must fall at least be sure Molly says something funny after you do it, play your cards right, don’t install anything fishy on your phone, keep your ice in your cup and not in the street, stay out of Rio jail, don’t feed anyone after midnight, admit that you would totally buy an issue of Peter Parker, the Spectacular Middle Manager, start your wagering about whether or not I can keep this thing going until Election Day and, as always, have a Happy Friday!

T “All-new, All-Different” green

I’m Tgreen, and this is Happy Friday, your one-stop shop for Olympic-level bullshit and general nonsense.

This week former New York Mayor Rudy Giulini gave a speech in which he claimed there were no successful terror attacks on American soil before President Obama came along. To explain his statement he said that he had not forgotten 9/11, he just spoke in “abbreviated” language. It’s not his fault that he just happens to abbreviate everything he can’t pin on the President.

TV host and political commentator John McLaughlin died this week in his Virginia home at the age of 89. His final words were “Wrong!!!”

A train in Iowa derailed last week and crashed into a trackside bar named “Derailed,” prompting the bar owner to consider changing the name of his other bar from “Nuclear Armageddon.”

In Italy, a legislator called for parents who feed their children vegan diets to be sentenced to up to six years in prison. The case, Billy v Icky Broccoli, is expected to set a worldwide legal precedent.

This week it was revealed that workers in Pyongyang were forced by the government to take a form of crystal meth in order to expedite the completion of a large-scale construction project. And in related news, I think I just figured out a fairly inexpensive way to get them to finally patch up the intersection of 516 and 79.

In Sweden a woman tried to explain the theft of six pairs of underwear by claiming she had severe diarrhea. She was unable to explain the theft of the car she was using to bring the underwear home, though.

Presidential candidate Donald Trump received his first confidential security briefing this week. For more details on what he was told, check out his Twitter feed this weekend.

Trump brought New Jersey Governor Chris Christie along to his briefing. He did this because he trusts Christie to keep his mouth shut. Or if not shut, at least full.

A Texas man convicted of child sexual assault was sentenced this week to 700 years in prison. Which is expected to translate into about 3 weeks in Gen Pop.

This week US swimmer Ryan Lochte and three of his teammates claimed they were robbed at gunpoint while taking a cab at the Rio Olympics. Brazilian officials quickly produced videotape that cast doubt on the events as the swimmers reported them, and said the swimmers actually lied to cover up a fight they got into at a gas station. It’s all still very confusing. All we do know for sure is that NBC newscaster Brian Williams said it was the most harrowing cab ride he’s ever been on.

In other Olympic news, the International Boxing Association sent home 6 judges and referees this week following outrage over several contentious matches and a fear of widespread corruption. But the good news is that at least one of them is a lock for the Gold medal in Olympic bribery.

This week the White House admitted that the $400M payment to Iran back in January was in fact contingent on Iran releasing four American prisoners. The White House was quick to clarify that they still don’t consider this a ransom payment like many of their critics are claiming, because they never received a ransom note made of letters cut out of a magazine and international law is pretty clear on that requirement.

Uber announced this week that it will begin offering rides in self-driving cars to customers in Pittsburgh later this year. The cars will be able to take passengers anywhere, but it’s expected most people will want a ride directly out of town so they can escape before the robot apocalypse kicks in.

This week Eve Plumb, who played middle sister Jan on The Brady Bunch, sold for $3.9M a house she bought at age 11. And in related news, a Spider-Man comic I bought at age 11 might be worth upwards of 5 bucks if it’s in mint condition.

In what’s widely seen as an attempt to reboot his campaign and show that he has the right temperament to be president, this week Donald Trump gave a speech where he acknowledged that he’d said some things during the campaign that he was sorry about. Except for the everything he said about Ted Cruz. He meant every word of that.

A Clinton Foundation spokesman this week said that if Hillary Clinton is elected president, the foundation will no longer accept foreign or corporate donations. And also that the foundation looks forward to working with the United States’ newest members, the great state of the Kingdom of Saudi Arabia, and newly-naturalized citizens the Coca Cola Company and the Axcion Corporation.

The president of the Family Research Center, who has routinely said that God sends natural disasters to punish gays, had his house destroyed in this week’s flooding in Louisiana. C’mon God, it’s not cool to out Tony Perkins that way, you know?

Newly-discovered emails revealed that several of Donald Trump’s advisors previously waged a covert lobbying campaign on behalf of a pro-Russian Ukrainian government. But the weirdest part of the story? Those emails were found on Hillary Clinton’s private email server.

And finally, Jamaican runner Usain Bolt became the first person to win the 100m and 200m in three consecutive Olympics, cementing his status as the fastest man in the world. Yes, even faster than Bill DeBlasio running away from his record.

The Rio Olympics ends this weekend after two weeks presenting the best athletic competition the world’s nations have to offer. If you’ve been watching the broadcasts regularly, having them end like this is going to leave a big hole in your viewing plans. However, you don’t have to give up your Olympic viewing cold turkey. If you live in or around New York City, there are plenty of things you can watch to replicate your Rio experience, as you’ll see when you take a look at…

Tgreen’s Top Ten Simulated Olympic Events to Watch in NYC:
10. 400m intern coffee fetching relay

9. Synchronized cockroaches

8. Subway pickpocket wrestling

7. 50m purse snatcher dash

6. 7th Ave bike messenger racing

5. DWI checkpoint balance beam

4. Penn Station homeless hurdling

3. New York Mets 100m dash to the bottom of the division

2. 50m burst water main freestyle

1. Hot dog vendor dirty water wiener drop

And that’s all we have time for this week. Until next time, go for the gold, stay off the Costas, just try and unsee those pictures of the naked Trump statue, cower in fear that the same people are ready to deploy naked Hillary at any moment, stay off Slanted Rock, fix that Stop sign, run your mouth, don’t waste too much time watching preseason football, have a Fresca, vote early and vote often, catch the wave and, as always, have a Happy Friday!

T “clobberin’ time” green

I’m Tgreen, and this is Happy Friday, the official sign that your week is completely unsalvageable.

This week Kid Rock gave his endorsement to Republican Presidential candidate Donald Trump. This is a big deal, because Kid Rock is not known for giving too many things. In fact, the last time Kid Rock gave anyone anything was that time he gave some groupie gonorrhea.

After making an announcement earlier this week, New York Yankee slugger Alex Rodriguez plays his last game Friday night at Yankee Stadium. When asked why he played for another week after deciding to retire, he said he’d lost his receipt and would not be able to return his last bottle of steroids so he figured he’d at least try to get some use out of them.

Traffic on the BQE was stopped this week when a tractor trailer carrying Budweiser flipped over and spilled beer everywhere, which coincidentally is also the climactic scene in my spec script for Smokey and the Bandit 4.

Former NFL quarterback Tim Tebow announced this week that he wants to pursue a career as a baseball player and will be working out with all Major League Baseball teams. And if this career falls through, he’ll be looking into what it takes to be an astronaut or a cowboy or a pirate or an army man.

A new study claims that book readers live longer than people who don’t read books. Happy Friday readers, on the other hand, often find themselves craving the sweet release of death somewhere around item 6 of the Top List.

In other science news, new research suggests that being lazy is a sign of high intelligence. At least that’s what the article’s headline said. I didn’t bother to actually click through and read the whole thing.

A brain-eating amoeba was found in a body of water in Broward County, Florida this week. Fortunately, since this is Florida we’re talking about, 80% of the population is immune.

This week marked the 25th anniversary of the day the world’s first website went online. Which means that next week marks the 25th anniversary of the day the world’s first porn website went online.

This week Donald Trump said he wants to debate pretty badly. And he probably will.

But really, Trump said he’ll debate, but only if some of his conditions are met. First, all moderators must be from an approved list of people whose last name is Trump. Second, no questions that are not about how great he is. And third — and this one might be the deal breaker right here — no Hillary.

A former aide to New Jersey Governor Chris Christie said the governor lied about his knowledge of his administration’s involvement in the George Washington Bridge lane closures. Her proof that Christie was lying? The governor’s lips were moving and there wasn’t a pork roll with cheese in the vicinity.

Christie quickly responded to the accusation with a forceful denial. Said Christie, “You better believe there was a pork roll with cheese in the vicinity, and I’ll punch any man who says otherwise.”

 
The water in two pools at the Summer Games in Rio turned green this week, and no one has been able to figure out why. They also can’t figure out why the water suddenly tastes like Lime Kool-Aid.

This week Donald Trump said that President Obama founded the terrorist organization ISIS. And he didn’t even use it to target poor and gullible Americans to max out their credit cards to register, proving that the President doesn’t know a damn thing about the business world.

Newly-released emails show that there was lots of overlap between Hillary Clinton’s State Department and her work for the Clinton Foundation. Which means that if anyone ever called her an Amazon, they didn’t mean she was a strong fighter. They meant she was the place to go for the best deals in one-stop shopping.

Two parents were arrested this week for trying to smuggle 7 lbs of methamphetamine from Mexico to the US. The would have gotten away with it, too, but officials grew suspicious of the baby’s “Lil’ Heisenberg” onesie.

Police in Toronto responded to reports of an armed man who turned out to be a cardboard cutout of the Terminator. It took the Toronto officers 3 hours to subdue the cutout.

This week a California company announced that it built the world’s largest dildo, which is currently running 14 points behind Hillary Clinton in the latest polls.

A 23-year-old Michigan man drowned this week in a vat of molasses. Slowly.

Former Democratic Presidential candidate Bernie Sanders this week bought his 3rd home, a lake house that cost $600K. At least now we know how much it cost to get him to walk away from the campaign quietly.

A man attempted to scale Trump Tower this week, prompting several newspaper editorials that wondered if he was a threat or a menace. And also prompting Trump to take a closer look at the materials he plans to use when he builds his wall.

And finally, a judge ordered online host Glenn Beck to reveal the identities of two sources who told him that a Saudi Arabian student provided the money behind the 2013 Boston Marathon bombing. And even worse for Beck, the judge said that he can’t claim “the voices in my head” for both of them.

Little Known Fact Department: In the original draft of the bible, on the 7th day God built a Death Star. This was edited out because worshippers did not find it very comforting.

There’s a Groupon out there for 42% off admission to a hatchet-throwing place in New Jersey. And if you do it wrong, you can actually end up getting a lot more than 42% off.

As the Olympics come along every 4 years, so do complaints about NBC’s coverage of the games. The main complaint, of course, is that NBC shows too many of the big events on tape delay. We all know why they do it — because someone’s gotta watch those McDonalds commercials that pay for this thing — but still, you have to admit that sometimes NBC goes too far. I mean, Wednesday night they finally played the Men’s 400M Butterfly semifinals from 1996.

Yes, the 1996 Olympics, also known as the Olympics where an 11-year-old Michael Phelps only won 10 gold medals.

It was revealed this week that former Fox News boss Roger Ailes used to hire private investigators to spy on potential rivals, even going so far as to set them up on dates in order to make the spying easier. He did this for years. Is it possible that you were ever considered to be one of those rivals? Did Roger Ailes pull a fast one on you? You’ll find out when you take a look at…

Tgreen’s Top Ten Ways To Know You Dated A Roger Ailes Spy:
10. He kept asking you to come to bed so he could introduce you to Rupert

9. Her Goodreads bookshelf included every book ever written by Bill O’Reilly

8. Every time he made a dinner reservation he made it for “the party of Lincoln”

7. She referred to her genitalia as the “Great Communicator”

6. He couldn’t sleep unless he was on the right side of the bed

5. She unconsciously flinched any time she walked past a picture of Jabba the Hutt

4. He always lost at Scrabble because he refused to use the letters M, S, N, B or C

3. She only ate at restaurants with glass tables that allowed her to show off her legs

2. He couldn’t get aroused until you whispered excerpts from Ronald Reagan’s 1981 Inauguration speech in his ear

1. She asked you to stick your O’Reilly into her Hannity

And that’s all we have time for this week. Until next time, try not to lose a bundle wagering on Olympic Badminton, stay out of the heat, learn that poem, be sure to examine every frame of the latest Star Wars trailer to see if you can spot Jar-Jar’s cameo, put the medicine on the treat, don’t get caught looking for the Messiah while the Women’s Beach Volleyball is on, don’t ride the local, wonder if last night’s meteor shower was the closest some of your fellow commuters have come to a shower of any kind lately, watch out for over-enthusiastic 2nd Amendment, uh, voters and, as always, have a Happy Friday!

T “when are they gonna make mini-golf an Olympic event?” green

I’m Tgreen and this is Happy Friday, your allegedly weekly dose of allegedly humorous content.

The 2016 Olympic Games start tonight in Rio, and athletes are complaining that there will be no Pokemon Go in the Olympic Village. Olympic officials say that the athletes will still be able to catch ‘me all, though, thanks to the 6,000 water-borne viruses lurking in the area.

As its census approaches, the Australian government is concerned that too many people are choosing “Jedi” as their religion. The issue is that having so many people so interested in Star Wars could be a harbinger of a huge population crash when none of them are able to find someone to reproduce with in their parents’ basement.

A veteran this week gave Donald Trump the Purple Heart award he earned in Vietnam, which suggests he earned the medal for a head injury of some sort.

A new CNN poll shows that 57% of voters are not satisfied with the choices in this year’s race. And the other 43% breaks down to 40% too busy binge-watching Stranger Things on Neflix to notice what’s happening, 2% in a coma, and 1% named Trump or Clinton.

This week President Obama celebrated his 55th birthday. Or whatever that is in Kenyan years.

President Obama’s approval rating climbed to 54% this week, which turned out to be a rare occurrence. The last time a President had an approval rating only one point lower than his birthday was when President George W. Bush turned 16.

This week Donald Trump’s ass got a little roomier when New Jersey Governor Chris Christie dislodged himself from it long enough to say that the Muslim-American parents of a fallen US Captain have the right to say whatever they want about the Presidential candidate. He then grabbed himself a pork roll and cheese on a bagel and climbed back in for the duration.

Chris Christie also took some time to substitute for Boomer Esiason on WFAN’s Boomer and Carton show this Friday. Christie said he was happy to do the show but he was not auditioning for a post-Governor position. Mainly because radio hosts are rarely allowed to close down the George Washington Bridge to carry out a vendetta on an enemy, so the job holds no attraction to him.

This week a report cited 19 New Jersey beaches for being contaminated by bacteria. And in sports news, New Jersey just submitted a bid to host the 2032 Summer Olympics.

This week it was revealed that pallets of cash totaling $400 million were delivered to Iran at the same time that 4 American prisoners were released by the Iranian government. A White House spokesman called the timing of this delivery a coincidence. He added that when he said “coincidence,” he winked because he had some dust in his eye and not for any other reason so please don’t get the wrong idea.

Though if we did really send Iran money for prisoners, at least this time we got some people back for our money. And the President appeared to actually know that all of this happened. So that’s…progress?

This week Republican Presidential candidate Donald Trump said he was not ready to endorse Paul Ryan in his upcoming primary election. Afterwards a Trump campaign spokesman said the campaign does plan to work with Ryan even if Trump doesn’t offer an endorsement. House Speaker Ryan took one look at this week, though, and said, “thanks but no thanks.”

A restaurant where diners eat in the nude is rumored to be opening soon in France. It currently exists in the UK, but will be closing since it turns out that the UK does neither food nor nudity particularly well.

Plans for a similar restaurant in the US fell apart the instant that Burger King expressed an interest, however.

This week, when asked to comment on sexual harassment in light of Roger Ailes’ resignation from Fox News, Donald Trump said that any woman who is sexually harassed in the workplace has the option to leave, and…This just in! Ivanka Trump has resigned from Trump International effective immediately.

This week Instagram introduced a new feature called Instagram Stories, which critics are complaining is essentially just Snapchat. An Instagram spokeswoman said the critics are completely wrong about this, and they will see how innovative Instagram really is when its new product, Instagram’s Book of Faces, rolls out this Fall.

By coincidence, Book of Faces is also the name of HBO’s top-secret sequel to Game of Thrones, which jumps ahead in time to show life in Westeros in the 21st Century.

This week Hillary Clinton’s campaign manager locked her in a room without a cell phone or access to email, telling her that her poll numbers can only drop if she’s allowed to communicate with anyone in any context.

Caitlyn Jenner said this week that she backs the Republican Party but does not “outwardly” support Donald Trump. She keeps that support hidden. Like her penis.

The US economy added 255,000 jobs last month, which was much higher than expected. This is not so surprising, since someone’s gotta put together all those anti-Hillary and anti-Donald memes.

A Georgia man was arrested this week for attacking his girlfriend after she made him a grilled cheese sandwich with 3 pieces of cheese and not 2. His girlfriend should consider herself lucky, though, since no one even knows exactly what happened to the man’s friend who made him a grilled cheese with wheat bread and not white last year.

Researchers in the UK have discovered an orangutan that mimics human conversation. And not only that, he can also trail Hillary Clinton by only 10 points in the latest polls.

President Obama commuted the sentences of 214 convicts this week. And in related news, this week 214 new conspiracy theories appeared on my Facebook feed.

The IOC announced some new sports for the 2020 Tokyo Olympics. The new sports include Karate, Skateboard, Surfing and Sports Climbing. Left off the list? Beer Pong. Which means I’ll just have to keep sending letters.

This year the USA teams clothes came from Polo by Ralph Lauren. No word yet on who’s providing the hazmat suits.

A Florida woman shot herself in the hand while trying to take a Snapchat video of herself posing with a .40 caliber pistol. Maybe it’s time for one simple gun control rule that bans anyone from owning a gun with a caliber size larger than their IQ score.

And finally, in West Virginia this week, two dogs left in a running car in a Walmart parking lot put the car in gear, drove it into the store’s entrance and rolled down the window. This actually meant they were more productive that 70% of the population of West Virginia this week.

I got an email this week from something called the Microsoft Center of Excellence, which is about the only email sender that sounds even less legit than that Nigerian prince that keeps emailing me. Or the DNC, for that matter.

Remember, it’s all fun and games until we end up with President Kardashian.

This week the IOC banned 118 Russian athletes from competing due to concerns over the use of performance enhancing drugs. And in a related story, A-Rod just joined the Russian Olympic team.

Between the drug scandal and the polluted water and the infrastructure problems in Rio, people are worried that these 2016 Olympic Games are in danger of flying off the rails. And they may be right, because as bad as these problems are, there’s more trouble brewing, as you’ll see when you take a peek at…

Tgreen’s Top Ten Other Problems at the 2016 Olympics:

10. British team keeps voting to Brexit Rio 

9. Track and Field stadium composed largely of recycled email printouts donated by Hillary Clinton’s campaign

8. Official sponsor Coca Cola angry that its product keeps getting mistaken for local drinking water, which is actually two shades darker

7. Roiling pool of toxic human waste formed outside Olympic Village keeps promising to make Brazil great again6. Bob Costas

5. Former President Bill Clinton requested way too many front row tickets for the Women’s Beach Volleyball medal round

4. Men’s Synchronized Swimming not a sanctioned Olympic event for 9th consecutive Summer Olympics

3. Some local NBC affiliates still burning off promo ads for Joey from the 2004 Games

2. Due to clerical error, Sweden sent its curling team instead of its gymnastics team

1. Vladimir Putin keeps offering to participate in Equestrian events with no shirt on

And that’s all we have time for this week. Until next Friday, wish Jack a happy birthday, don’t set the microwave on fire, try not to blow your savings account wagering on Synchronized Swimming, try to figure out who’s younger and more malnourished — the Chinese Women’s Gymnastic team or the laborers who made their uniforms, go see Suicide Squad and halfway through, stand up and shout, “where the hell is…uh…any character that remotely resembles anyone I’ve seen in a comic book any time in the last 30 years and why do they even make movies like this in the first place?!?”, keep it ‘tween the ditches, back away from the election memes, and, as always, have a Happy Friday!

T “you say potato, I say fire!” green

Donald Trump’s wife Melania gave a speech on the first night of the RNC this week and immediately came under scrutiny when part of her speech seemed to have been copied from a speech Michelle Obama gave at the DNC in 2008. And the similarities are unmistakeable. However, upon closer review of the speech it appears that there was more plagiarism involved than anyone initially thought, as you’ll see when you take a look at…

Tgreen’s Top Ten Other Lines From Melania Trump’s Speech That May Have Been Copied:
10. Just say no

9. Ask not what your country can do for you

8. I am not a crook

7. We hold these truths to be self evident

6. This is a day that will live in infamy

5. I did not have sexual relations with that woman

4. Sometimes you want to go where everybody knows your name

3. May the force be with you

2. Say hello to my little friend

1. It’s easy to grin when your ship comes in and you’ve got the stock market beat; but the man worthwhile is the man who can smile when his shorts are too tight in the seat.

  

Former New York Governor George Pataki threw his hat into the ring for the 2016 Presidential race this week. With the list of Republican hopefuls growing by the day, it’s getting harder and harder for prospective candidates to stand out from the pack. Fortunately, the ways to praise Pataki practically write themselves (which is good because that means you can’t blame me for writing this crap), as you’ll see when you read…

Tgreen’s Top Ten Proposed George Pataki Campaign Slogans:

10. Pataki. The “P” isn’t silent. And yes, this is literally the most interesting personal fact we could come up with

9. Upstate New York’s Finest. You know, Upstate New York? That part of New York no one ever thinks about except for the first 10 seconds after an I Love New York commercial?

8. A better choice than Joe Biden. If Biden was running. Which so far he isn’t

7. No truth to the rumor he waited until Letterman retired to announce his campaign to avoid the additional ridicule

6. No truth to the rumor that Letterman even remembers who he is

5. Yes, he’s another pasty rich white guy, but at least he’s not crazy religious too

4. Of course he was Governor of New York. For several years. Before the blind guy and the guy who slept with the hooker. Just look him up on Wikipedia already

3. Almost never says “How high?” anymore when Rudy Giuliani says “Jump!”

2. Shows up regularly on Fox News, and you know Fox News won’t put on just any old crank with money and a tie

1. All of Trump’s chances of winning with none of Trump’s baggage

Tonight CBS airs David Letterman’s final show after 33 years on late night TV. I swiped a lot from David Letterman over the years, so I’m obviously sad to see him go. However, there are a few silver linings in this cloud, as you’ll see when you take a look at…

Tgreen’s Top Ten Good Things About David Letterman’s Retirement:

10. No more grown-ups on late night TV, so Jimmy Fallon will no longer look like a 12-year-old in comparison

9. Can finally stop trying to teach your dog a Stupid Pet Trick to get yourself on TV

8. Only cranky old guy you have to deal with regularly now is your dad

7. One less place for Jay Leno to ever appear on my TV again

6. Now you can really dig in to that last half hour of Conan without feeling guilty about it

5. The chance that Drew Barrymore might hop on your desk and flash you just increased by .00000000001%

4. No more getting creeped out by Paul Shafer’s bald head

3. Can stop worrying that someone on TV might say something to hurt Oprah’s feelings

2. CBS’s audience demographic just dropped all the way from 75 to 74.5

1. In a few weeks, no one will even remember where I swiped this Top Ten idea from

Hello, I’m Tgreen. Welcome to the end of the world.

You have no idea how long I’ve been waiting to write that.

Now, before we let things get too far out of hand, this end of the world is some end of the world allegedly predicted by the Mayans thousands of years ago and not the end of the world that’s predicted in the back of the bible. So, no horsemen of the Apocalypse and no fat lady singing, though I’m not sure if the fat lady singing is from the bible but for the purposes of this post we’ll pretend that she is. Because if the world really does end today, the last thing you’re gonna want to worry about is my lousy fact-checking skills.

That’s a pretty big if, though, isn’t it? If the world is gonna end. If the Mayans of all people figured it out all those years ago. The Mayans. When was the last time you even saw a Mayan? Exactly. If they weren’t able to predict their own demise, how am I supposed to believe they predicted the end of the world? But hey, if somehow it turns out the world ends on a Friday, might as well make it a Happy Friday. As the saying goes, the world will end not with a bang, but with a lame Top Ten list. Which brings us to…

Tgreen’s Top Ten Signs the World Was Going to End Before This Mayan Thing Happened:
10. The announcement of the new 24-hour According to Jim channel
9. Eight seconds left, 4th quarter, Jets up by 10 in the Super Bowl
8. You win Powerball
7. Tgreen’s boss says, “Why don’t you take a long lunch and head home early today?”
6. Rush Limbaugh says something eloquent and reasonable
5. Trump hooks up with a woman who loves him for who he is and not for his bank account
4. John Madden sex tape gets released on the Internet
3. Rudy Giuliani suggests that maybe, just maybe, he took that “America’s Mayor” thing a little too far
2. Video turns up proving beyond a shadow of a doubt that OJ never killed anybody
1. Tgreen adds new joke to Top Ten list

So as you can see, I was pretty confident that the end of the world was a long way off. Can you blame me?

I think it’s mighty suspicious that the world ends right after the Pope joins Twitter. Just imagine what might have happened if he’d made his Instagram feed public. I mean, besides all those Justin Bieber pictures we would’ve had to look at.

Speaking of Justin Bieber, ABC recently announced it’s creating a sitcom based on his life. I swear if they name this thing Leave it to Bieber I may never turn on a TV again just to avoid the possibility of ever seeing even a second of it.

But then, if I never turned on my TV again how would I know what happens next week on Two and a Half Men? Wait a second, I smell a win/win situation here.

Not that we’ll need to worry about the Justin Bieber sitcom if the Mayans were right. I’ve done a little research into them and I’m not sure what to make of what I’ve learned. See if you’ve got a better understanding of things once you check out…

Tgreen’s Top Ten Other Things the Mayans Predicted:
10. There are WMDs in Iraq
9. America is gonna fall in love with Jar-Jar Binks
8. Jermaine will be the breakout star of the Jackson 5
7. Microsoft Bob will change the world
6. You can spin off any character from Friends and have a hit on your hands; it’s like printing money
5. Can’t go wrong with Tebow backing up Sanchez
4. The 2012/2013 NHL season will be one for the ages
3. You’ll never get people to drop $300 or more on a phone
2. New Coke will definitely be better than plain old Coke…it’s got “New” right there in the name
1. If you claim up front that you’re “Fair and Balanced” you can say whatever crazy shit you want and you’ll find people who will believe you

Hmmm, wait a second there, they might have been right on that last one. So, 1 for 10. If that was their batting average they could play outfield for the Mets next season.

In other sports news, the NHL lockout continues with no end in sight, and all that really means is that the remaining .00001% of the sports-watching population that wasn’t already not watching hockey is now not watching hockey.

Hockey is kind of like the Ron Paul of sports. People are vaguely aware it exists; if they have any opinion of it at all they think it’s more than a little weird; they mostly ignore it; when they do pay attention to it, it’s because they’re waiting for the train wreck to start.

And in political news, the United States this year reelected the world’s first Kenyan-born socialist fascist divorced and possibly gay president. At least, that’s the fair and balanced view of things.

In other political news, former pseudo-Presidential candidate Donald Trump is still a delusional creep, only now he’s managed to distill his delusional creepiness down to 140-character bites.

And if anything is going to survive the end of the world, it will be Trump’s hair. Whatever it’s constructed from, it will no doubt just move on and colonize another world when this one ends.

Of course, the biggest political issue staring us in the face as the world ends is the fiscal cliff. Honestly, if there was ever a cliff I wanted to see the White House and Congress plunge over, it sure as hell wasn’t a fiscal one.

Just out of curiosity, if the country does plunge over this fiscal cliff, which side breaks out W’s old “Mission Accomplished” banner, the Republicans or the Democrats? I can’t always tell anymore.

Rejected Supreme Court nominee Robert Bork died this week, prompting every person under the age of 40 to say. “Who?”

Ha, as if anyone under 40 even heard the news. I doubt it got announced during the finale of The Voice.

Apparently Justice Clarence Thomas was so broken up after hearing the news that he was unable to even speak while the Court was in session. Oh, wait…

Anyone see that trailer for the new Superman movie, Man of Steel? If so, could you tell me why it looks like Superman’s costume is, uh, ribbed for her pleasure? Serious question.

And speaking of Superman, since the world is ending and all, do we have a plan in place to launch a baby into space so he can land on another planet and be Superman there? Hindsight being 20/20 and all, someone really should’ve asked that question during the presidential debates.

In other movie news, anyone see the trailer for the new Star Trek movie, Into Darkness? If so, could you tell me at what point in the movie Shatner’s gonna show up to tell us it’s all been a bad dream?

And speaking of bad dreams, you have to figure that if the world is still around on Saturday, anyone who believed in this whole Mayan thing is gonna wish the last few months were just a bad dream. I mean, if you’re convinced the world is gonna end, you might find yourself making choices you wouldn’t make otherwise. Which brings us to…

Tgreen’s Top Ten Ways to Face Down a World That Didn’t End on 12/21/12:
10. Tell your boss you were acting out a scene as the evil Captain Kirk and of course you didn’t mean any of that crap you said on your way out the door Thursday night
9. Wash the taste out of your mouth and run from that apartment before anyone else wakes up
8. Inquire about the possibility of a refund for that big bet you made on the Mets winning a World Series in the next 2 years
7. Inquire about the possibility of a refund for that big bet you made on the Mets winning a World Series in your lifetime
6. Start working on an excuse to get out of that New Year’s party at your in-laws house that you thought the Mayans were gonna save you from
5. Consider erasing all those episodes of Jersey Shore from your DVR (sorry, that’s one of Tgreen’s Top Ten Things You Should Do Whether or Not You Ever Thought the World Was Ending, Because Seriously)
4. Find something to distract you enough to get that damn REM song out of your head
3. Delete those pictures you took early Friday morning because technically they’re now evidence
2. Run out and buy all those Christmas presents you thought you wouldn’t need
1. See if you still have the receipt for those Nikes and that purple robe

And that’s all we have time for today. If, somehow, the Mayans were right, then I’m sorry this could be the last thing you ever read. Otherwise, I’ll see you back here sooner or later for more of the same, but different. Until then, deck some halls, jingle some bells, have a shot, watch some football, have another shot, watch some hockey…oh, wait, don’t get eyestrain from playing with your Nook too much, learn that poem, strike a pose, swing by the Waffle House and say hi to Elvis, don’t believe the hype, back away from that emergency cache of Twinkies, catch the wave, remember the Alamo, bet with your head, not over it, keep on rolling with the flow, stop touching that, run it up the flagpole to see if anyone salutes and, for maybe the last time ever, have a Happy Friday!

T “and I feel fine” green

Hello and welcome to the Happy Friday Thanksgiving Spectacular, where we define “Spectacular” as “the same jokes as always, but reordered in a special holiday fashion”. And by “special” we mean “barely at all different than any other time we’ve done this”. And by “this” we mean the “joke” we’re going for in this paragraph. And we put quote marks around the word joke because we are legally required to do so since that incident in The Poison Pen that time.

No idea why we’re using the word we, since everyone knows it’s just one guy writing all this. How sad would it be if an entire staff was required to come up with this crap? Sad indeed.

Fortunately, that’s not a mystery you need to ponder right now, and for that you can be thankful. Which is the point of today’s post. Being thankful. Because times have been tough lately, and so you may have reasons to doubt there’s anything to be thankful for right now. Maybe you got caught up in Superstorm Sandy (because it happened to New York, we can’t just call it a hurricane). Maybe you’re a huge Mitt Romney fan (really?!?). Maybe you were holding out hope to find one last Suzy-Q in the Hostess section of your supermarket (coincidentally, a wall of Suzy-Qs could hold back even the strongest flood). Or maybe you read the same article I read this morning that said scientists have discovered that fire tornadoes actually exist and are not just something that you might have expected Superman to fight in a 1967 issue of Action Comics.

I hear you. There’s plenty of reasons to pack it in tomorrow and either hold out for better in 2013 or start rooting for the Mayans the way you root for your favorite NHL team and maybe I could’ve picked a better example there but I’m too lazy to hit the delete key so I’m just going to keep typing and pretend I did not inadvertently just bring up another depressing fact for some of you. But no, we will not give in to any of that. And why? Because we here at Happy Friday Central have spent agonizing minutes coming up with reasons to be thankful this year.

And so tomorrow, as you sit down at the table across from your Uncle Herman with the crazy eye that’s always looking in two directions at once and your Aunt Doris with the snaggletooth and the “friend” she always goes on vacation with because Uncle Herman only leaves the house for major holidays and yard sales, and next to your cousin Shirley who you once dared to drink an entire gallon of milk and with whom you never, ever speak of that day again on one side and your brother Joe who’s had his face painted green for the Jets game for the last 3 weeks straight on the other side, and you try to figure out the odds that there will be any cranberry jelly or stuffing left by the time it’s your turn to fill your plate, just remember that this year, you can be thankful that…

…someone, somewhere is probably trying to figure out a way to cram a 4th NFL game into Thanksgiving Day.

…it’s past mid-November and the Islanders still have the same chance of winning the Stanley Cup this year as any other NHL team.

…the odds are pretty good that they’ve already made the worst Star Wars movie they’re ever gonna make.

…there’s no legal requirement for you to pay attention to anything Donald Trump has to say.

…they may have taken away the Twinkie, but the McRib could make a comeback any day now.

…Fox News is so mad at Mitt Romney right now it could be months before it remembers it’s supposed to be trashing Obama 24/7.

…you’ll never have to see that Shmuley Boteach campaign commercial ever again.

…Rex Ryan lost all that weight before the Jets play on Thanksgiving night so you probably won’t have to hear a 10-minute-long tribute to the turducken.

…autocorrect knows how to spell turducken.

…seriously, no matter how stupid a thing Trump says, you can ignore it or pretend it never happened or whatever and that’s okay.

…you work for good people who are always on the lookout for your best interests and treat you like an actual human being with your own thoughts and needs and plans. Or, more likely, you don’t but at least you know someone who does. Or, more likely, you don’t even know anyone who does but at least you enjoyed reading that sentence and pretending it’s true. Or, more likely, at least you’re drunk by noon every day.

…it could at least be possible the insurance adjuster might believe that the storm washed away your Lamborghini.

…autocorrect knows how to spell Lamborghini.

…thousands of smart people have spent millions of dollars over decades to create technology so powerful that you can now share a picture of a cat in a bow tie with people all over the world while you’re taking a dump.

…no, I don’t think you understand, Trump is totally ignorable. You don’t even have to try that hard.

…they still haven’t captured and jailed the Cream of Wheat Monster.

…our country can no longer send a man into space, but it can give you 16 different filters for your Instagram photos of space, or more likely of your roommate doing jello shots off of some girl’s ass.

…shows like Here Comes Honey Boo Boo are setting the bar of fame so low that even your stupid boring ass could be a TV star by 2017.

…Waffle House is open 24 hours.

…your office is not.

…you probably live near a state-of-the-art public transportation system that moves millions of people to and from thousands of destinations every day without a hitch (unless you live in the New York metropolitan area, in which case, no).

…no matter how shitty this list is, if you’re reading it at least that means you finally got your power back.

…even I eventually acknowledge I’m out of material, and then 5 or 6 “jokes” later like clockwork, I close it down.

So that’s all for this time. Enjoy the day off, don’t lose all your Christmas money on bad football bets, keep the cat out of the stuffing and the stuffing out of the cat, try to avoid a meltdown, at least finish your dinner before running out to one of the stores opening Thanksgiving night, don’t trample anyone while diving for a door buster at Walmart, learn that poem, keep your eyes skinned for small ice and growlers, please return your seats to an upright and locked position and, because there’s a giant plate of food planted right in front of you, have a Happy Thanksgiving!

T “I’m getting too old for this shit” green

Not sure how many of you knew this, but yesterday, October 16, was Boss’s Day. You know, Boss’s Day, the only day of the year where your boss can ask you to work late with no extra pay and you have to do it. Yep, the only day of the year where the boss can do that. I promise. The only day. Did you celebrate Boss’s Day yesterday? Lots of people did, and you may have been one of them without even realizing it. How is that possible? You’ll find out when you check out…

Tgreen’s Top Ten Ways People Celebrated Boss’s Day:
10. Kept Facebook open on their work computer for only 6.5 hours instead of the usual 7
9. Scribbled a mustache or a penis onto boss’s picture, but not both
8. Told him he kicked ass at that debate last night even though he obviously did not
7. Refrained from tweeting new entries in popular Twitter feed shitmyidiotbosssaid
6. Left thank you note after looting cabinets of pens, staples and Rice Krispie treats
5. Laughed at all his jokes, even the one where a priest, a rabbi and Jerry Sandusky walk into a bar
4. Showed her how to take a screen shot for the 300th day in a row, because this time that knowledge is gonna stick for sure
3. Drank 4 extra beers in his honor at lunch, slept quietly through afternoon not bothering him
2. Waited until today to tell him about that math error that will cost the company $3 million
1. Did everything he asked, no matter how stupid, dangerous, off-putting, soul-crushing, idiotic, mean-spirited, evil, short-sighted, misspelled, petty, outrageous, mini-brained, repulsive, tiring, craptastic, illegal, unacceptable, poorly-conceived, Tebowmaniacal, like a scene out of a shitty Steven Segal movie, Steinbrenneresque, stabby, URGENT!!!, Nixon-like, rapacious, Canadian, daring, Linsane, long-winded, repetitive, like the punchline got buried under a pile of words 5 minutes ago, unfortunate or just plain old dumb it might be (sorry, that’s one of Tgreen’s Top Ten Things People Do Every Day To Pay The Rent)

And there you have it. If you found yourself doing any of those things yesterday, congratulations, you celebrated Boss’s Day. And if not, there’s always next year. On Boss’s Day, the only day of the year your boss can ask you to work extra hours for free. Only day. Yes, I’m sure of that.

T “if I say I was drunk when I wrote this and then immediately check into rehab they probably can’t fire me” green