A new poll shows 36% of registered Republicans support Donald Trump, with Ted Cruz behind him at 16%. But both of them trail “he’s not really going to win this thing, is he?” by a wide margin. #happyfriday

It was twenty years ago today
Happy Friday taught you all to say,
“We don’t want to see those lame-ass lists.
“Their lack of humor leaves us really pissed.”
But on this anniversary
Here’s jokes you’ve read for years and years
Happy Friday’s Crappy Top Ten Lists

It’s Happy Friday’s Crappy Top Ten Lists
We know you won’t enjoy this show
It’s Happy Friday’s Crappy Top Ten Lists
The jokes you hated years ago
Happy Friday’s Crappy
Happy Friday’s Crappy
Happy Friday’s Crappy Top Ten Lists

It’s a surprise to be here
It’s certainly a shock
We thought we killed this damn thing off
You know you didn’t miss these jokes
You’d like to make them stop

I don’t really want to start this show
But I thought you might like to know
The writer’s giving jokes a spin
And he wants you to pretend to grin
So let me warn you all right now
The one and only Tgreen’s here
With Happy Friday’s Crappy Top Ten Lists

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand Happy Friday everybody! Yes, I know it’s technically Tuesday but since this is the actual anniversary of the first Happy Friday email, we’re just going to pretend that it’s Friday. Just like you used to pretend you laughed at all those Top Ten lists. The only difference now is you still have to go to work tomorrow. Shitty jokes and a Wednesday staring you in the face right after? No wonder I didn’t call this thing Happy Tuesday way back when.

This week actor Charlie Sheen revealed that he’s HIV positive. Doctors say there’s no way of knowing how Sheen got the disease because not only is he the first patient who was ever able to check off every possible way to get it on a lifestyle survey, he also added three other possibilities they’d never even heard of.

There was an embarrassing moment in the White House this week when President Obama’s Nobel Peace Prize fell off a shelf and accidentally launched 10 drone attacks in the Middle East.

This week the latest poll results have Ben Carson and Donald Trump leading in the GOP race for the 2016 election, which is a rare case where the story is actually its own punchline.

Former President Bill Clinton this week live-tweeted the second Democratic Presidential debate and showed his support for Hillary by using the hashtag #Imwithher, which is the first time he’s ever admitted to being with a woman without the involvement of a subpoena.

In response to the terrorist attacks in France, this week the United States announced new travel rules for Syrian refugees. From now on they’re only going to be allowed one explosive device and one automatic weapon in their carryon luggage.

In other Syria news, it was noted this week that Apple founder Steve Jobs’s father was a Syrian migrant, prompting Fox News to pull its app from the Apple App Store in protest.

This week aging mobster Vincent Asaro was acquitted of charges that he was involved in the 1978 Lufthansa heist. Jurors said Asaro couldn’t possibly have been guilty because his character never showed up in the movie Goodfellas.

In a biography released this week, former President George H. W. Bush said that his son’s advisors gave him some bad advice in the years after the 9/11 terrorist attacks. When asked to respond to the charges, former Vice President Dick Cheney said he had no hard feelings toward the former President and then offered to prove it by taking him on a special hunting trip.

In other Sith Lord news, Star Wars: The Force Awakens opens on December 18th. So if you think you may have some business to take care of on the Internet, you might want to take care of it on the 17th. Because after that the Internet is going to be used exclusively for complaining about Star Wars: The Force Awakens for the next 2.5 years.

And that’s enough News Roundup for this week.

Thanks to recent events I’ve seen a bomb-sniffing dog at my local train station. I can’t say whether he’s ever going to smell a bomb there, but I know for sure he’s never going to smell an on-time train in that station.

I’ll tell you, if the New England Patriots keep winning, everybody’s gonna want to put their hands on Tom Brady’s soft balls. Which is just how he likes it.

Last week I took my first Uber ride. My driver was a nice guy from Kenya named Benson. And I’ll admit it made me think about all the opportunities we have in this country. I mean, here was a guy born in the middle of Kenya who managed to pull himself up and move here and get a job he loves driving a car in San Antonio. Granted, it’s not as great a story as the guy born in the middle of Kenya who managed to pull himself up and move here and get a job he loves as the President of the United States, but it’s still pretty cool.

The previous paragraph was brought to you by Trump for President, 2016.

Us children of the 70s have an interesting month coming up. We’re going to have the opportunity to see a new Rocky movie with Sylvester Stallone playing Rocky, and then a new Star Wars movie with Harrison Ford, Mark Hammill and Carrie Fisher playing Han Solo, Luke Skywalker and Princess Leia. And then of course there’s the rumor that John Travolta was spotted getting fitted for a white suit.

And while we’re on the subject of Star Wars, the new movie, Star Wars: The Force Awakens takes place 30 years after the end of Return of the Jedi. This means that some of the new merchandise is quite different from what traditionally comes out for a Star Wars movie, as you’ll see when you take a look at…

Tgreen’s Top Ten Examples of Star Wars: The Force Awakens Merchandise:

10. Han Solo Blaster/AARP Card Combo Pack
9. Jabba the Hutt Slimming Undergarments
8. Large Print Movie Novelization
7. C3P0’s Twitter to English Translator, for Confused Grandparents Everywhere
6. The Chewbacca Hair Piece (formerly known as The Trump)
5. Princess Leia’s You’re My Only Hope Botox Cream
4. Imperial Walker
3. Jar-Jar Binks action figure (they really made at lot of these in 1999 so please just buy one already)
2. Lando Calrissian’s Cloud City Walking Shoes — So Comfortable You’ll Think You’re Walking on a Cloud
1. Luke Skywalker’s May the Force Be With You Male Enhancement Pills

And that’s all the time we have this week. I’m not entirely sure what the traditional present for the 20th Anniversary is, but I’m guessing it’s a crappy Top Ten List, right?

A brief historical note, if you’ll indulge me. The first Happy Friday did actually go out 20 years ago today in email format to a bunch of friends who’d just gotten email at work. Many of those people are still out there right now reading this, probably on a mobile device that no one could’ve predicted in 1995. I can only imagine it’s because they’re still waiting for me to write a good joke, in which case I might as well tell them I’ll see them all for Happy Friday’s 40th Anniversary, beamed directly to the brain implants we’ll all no doubt have by then.

If I counted up all the times I ended Happy Friday for good, never to return to it again, I’d get a higher number than George Pataki gets when he counts the people who’d vote for him in 2016, but despite that low bar it is a pretty high number. So thanks to those of you who do still show up whenever I find a few minutes to crank out one of these. And now Happy Friday is going to slip back into retirement for a bit. But Happy Friday will return on a regular-ish schedule next year to cover the 2016 Presidential Election. Sorry, there’s nothing I can do to stop that.

So until next time, stop encouraging Trump, celebrate your Thanksgiving with a Pizza Hut Triple Bypass, er, uh, Triple Treat box, stand up in the middle of that new Star Wars movie and shout “where the hell is Scotty?!?”, cower in fear as I decide whether I want to rerun all my old OJ Simpson jokes when that new OJ Simpson show comes on, go check IMDB to prove that I’m not lying about that OJ Simpson show, wonder if I made that reference just because Happy Friday doesn’t seem like Happy Friday without an OJ Simpson joke, realize that’s exactly why I did it, accept the fact that I’m using a very generous definition of the word “joke,” go to the store and buy Chris Christie a nice “sorry you won’t be President” card, ponder which is more presidential — Trump’s hair or the old Giuliani combover, be forgiving of the fact that this paragraph ran off the rails a lot of words ago and, as always, have a Happy Friday. Or Tuesday. Or whatever day you get around to reading this.

T “anyone know when that Poison Pen 30th anniversary is supposed to happen?” green

Lines formed in front of toy stores around the world this week in anticipation of Force Friday, a midnight event where a wave of new Star Wars merchandise, including the first toys associated with the upcoming The Force Awakens movie, went on sale. Star Wars parent company Disney expects to pull in billions of dollars in merchandise money for the new movie, and it was counting on a record-breaking turnout for the event. Mostly because Disney was fortunate enough to pick a night when none of the people standing on those midnight lines had a date, or anything better to do, really.

Tragedy was averted this week when a gunman who planned to kill dozens of people in a movie theater was thwarted by the fact that he chose a screening of the new Fantastic Four movie as his target and found there was no one there to shoot.

Former New York Governor George Pataki threw his hat into the ring for the 2016 Presidential race this week. With the list of Republican hopefuls growing by the day, it’s getting harder and harder for prospective candidates to stand out from the pack. Fortunately, the ways to praise Pataki practically write themselves (which is good because that means you can’t blame me for writing this crap), as you’ll see when you read…

Tgreen’s Top Ten Proposed George Pataki Campaign Slogans:

10. Pataki. The “P” isn’t silent. And yes, this is literally the most interesting personal fact we could come up with

9. Upstate New York’s Finest. You know, Upstate New York? That part of New York no one ever thinks about except for the first 10 seconds after an I Love New York commercial?

8. A better choice than Joe Biden. If Biden was running. Which so far he isn’t

7. No truth to the rumor he waited until Letterman retired to announce his campaign to avoid the additional ridicule

6. No truth to the rumor that Letterman even remembers who he is

5. Yes, he’s another pasty rich white guy, but at least he’s not crazy religious too

4. Of course he was Governor of New York. For several years. Before the blind guy and the guy who slept with the hooker. Just look him up on Wikipedia already

3. Almost never says “How high?” anymore when Rudy Giuliani says “Jump!”

2. Shows up regularly on Fox News, and you know Fox News won’t put on just any old crank with money and a tie

1. All of Trump’s chances of winning with none of Trump’s baggage

Since I don’t know if I’ll ever do another Greetings from Shokanaw strip, but I was inspired enough to do this one last month, I figured this was as good a place as any to post it. Besides Facebook, of course, where it originally lived.

Tonight CBS airs David Letterman’s final show after 33 years on late night TV. I swiped a lot from David Letterman over the years, so I’m obviously sad to see him go. However, there are a few silver linings in this cloud, as you’ll see when you take a look at…

Tgreen’s Top Ten Good Things About David Letterman’s Retirement:

10. No more grown-ups on late night TV, so Jimmy Fallon will no longer look like a 12-year-old in comparison

9. Can finally stop trying to teach your dog a Stupid Pet Trick to get yourself on TV

8. Only cranky old guy you have to deal with regularly now is your dad

7. One less place for Jay Leno to ever appear on my TV again

6. Now you can really dig in to that last half hour of Conan without feeling guilty about it

5. The chance that Drew Barrymore might hop on your desk and flash you just increased by .00000000001%

4. No more getting creeped out by Paul Shafer’s bald head

3. Can stop worrying that someone on TV might say something to hurt Oprah’s feelings

2. CBS’s audience demographic just dropped all the way from 75 to 74.5

1. In a few weeks, no one will even remember where I swiped this Top Ten idea from

Hello, I’m Tgreen. Welcome to the end of the world.

You have no idea how long I’ve been waiting to write that.

Now, before we let things get too far out of hand, this end of the world is some end of the world allegedly predicted by the Mayans thousands of years ago and not the end of the world that’s predicted in the back of the bible. So, no horsemen of the Apocalypse and no fat lady singing, though I’m not sure if the fat lady singing is from the bible but for the purposes of this post we’ll pretend that she is. Because if the world really does end today, the last thing you’re gonna want to worry about is my lousy fact-checking skills.

That’s a pretty big if, though, isn’t it? If the world is gonna end. If the Mayans of all people figured it out all those years ago. The Mayans. When was the last time you even saw a Mayan? Exactly. If they weren’t able to predict their own demise, how am I supposed to believe they predicted the end of the world? But hey, if somehow it turns out the world ends on a Friday, might as well make it a Happy Friday. As the saying goes, the world will end not with a bang, but with a lame Top Ten list. Which brings us to…

Tgreen’s Top Ten Signs the World Was Going to End Before This Mayan Thing Happened:
10. The announcement of the new 24-hour According to Jim channel
9. Eight seconds left, 4th quarter, Jets up by 10 in the Super Bowl
8. You win Powerball
7. Tgreen’s boss says, “Why don’t you take a long lunch and head home early today?”
6. Rush Limbaugh says something eloquent and reasonable
5. Trump hooks up with a woman who loves him for who he is and not for his bank account
4. John Madden sex tape gets released on the Internet
3. Rudy Giuliani suggests that maybe, just maybe, he took that “America’s Mayor” thing a little too far
2. Video turns up proving beyond a shadow of a doubt that OJ never killed anybody
1. Tgreen adds new joke to Top Ten list

So as you can see, I was pretty confident that the end of the world was a long way off. Can you blame me?

I think it’s mighty suspicious that the world ends right after the Pope joins Twitter. Just imagine what might have happened if he’d made his Instagram feed public. I mean, besides all those Justin Bieber pictures we would’ve had to look at.

Speaking of Justin Bieber, ABC recently announced it’s creating a sitcom based on his life. I swear if they name this thing Leave it to Bieber I may never turn on a TV again just to avoid the possibility of ever seeing even a second of it.

But then, if I never turned on my TV again how would I know what happens next week on Two and a Half Men? Wait a second, I smell a win/win situation here.

Not that we’ll need to worry about the Justin Bieber sitcom if the Mayans were right. I’ve done a little research into them and I’m not sure what to make of what I’ve learned. See if you’ve got a better understanding of things once you check out…

Tgreen’s Top Ten Other Things the Mayans Predicted:
10. There are WMDs in Iraq
9. America is gonna fall in love with Jar-Jar Binks
8. Jermaine will be the breakout star of the Jackson 5
7. Microsoft Bob will change the world
6. You can spin off any character from Friends and have a hit on your hands; it’s like printing money
5. Can’t go wrong with Tebow backing up Sanchez
4. The 2012/2013 NHL season will be one for the ages
3. You’ll never get people to drop $300 or more on a phone
2. New Coke will definitely be better than plain old Coke…it’s got “New” right there in the name
1. If you claim up front that you’re “Fair and Balanced” you can say whatever crazy shit you want and you’ll find people who will believe you

Hmmm, wait a second there, they might have been right on that last one. So, 1 for 10. If that was their batting average they could play outfield for the Mets next season.

In other sports news, the NHL lockout continues with no end in sight, and all that really means is that the remaining .00001% of the sports-watching population that wasn’t already not watching hockey is now not watching hockey.

Hockey is kind of like the Ron Paul of sports. People are vaguely aware it exists; if they have any opinion of it at all they think it’s more than a little weird; they mostly ignore it; when they do pay attention to it, it’s because they’re waiting for the train wreck to start.

And in political news, the United States this year reelected the world’s first Kenyan-born socialist fascist divorced and possibly gay president. At least, that’s the fair and balanced view of things.

In other political news, former pseudo-Presidential candidate Donald Trump is still a delusional creep, only now he’s managed to distill his delusional creepiness down to 140-character bites.

And if anything is going to survive the end of the world, it will be Trump’s hair. Whatever it’s constructed from, it will no doubt just move on and colonize another world when this one ends.

Of course, the biggest political issue staring us in the face as the world ends is the fiscal cliff. Honestly, if there was ever a cliff I wanted to see the White House and Congress plunge over, it sure as hell wasn’t a fiscal one.

Just out of curiosity, if the country does plunge over this fiscal cliff, which side breaks out W’s old “Mission Accomplished” banner, the Republicans or the Democrats? I can’t always tell anymore.

Rejected Supreme Court nominee Robert Bork died this week, prompting every person under the age of 40 to say. “Who?”

Ha, as if anyone under 40 even heard the news. I doubt it got announced during the finale of The Voice.

Apparently Justice Clarence Thomas was so broken up after hearing the news that he was unable to even speak while the Court was in session. Oh, wait…

Anyone see that trailer for the new Superman movie, Man of Steel? If so, could you tell me why it looks like Superman’s costume is, uh, ribbed for her pleasure? Serious question.

And speaking of Superman, since the world is ending and all, do we have a plan in place to launch a baby into space so he can land on another planet and be Superman there? Hindsight being 20/20 and all, someone really should’ve asked that question during the presidential debates.

In other movie news, anyone see the trailer for the new Star Trek movie, Into Darkness? If so, could you tell me at what point in the movie Shatner’s gonna show up to tell us it’s all been a bad dream?

And speaking of bad dreams, you have to figure that if the world is still around on Saturday, anyone who believed in this whole Mayan thing is gonna wish the last few months were just a bad dream. I mean, if you’re convinced the world is gonna end, you might find yourself making choices you wouldn’t make otherwise. Which brings us to…

Tgreen’s Top Ten Ways to Face Down a World That Didn’t End on 12/21/12:
10. Tell your boss you were acting out a scene as the evil Captain Kirk and of course you didn’t mean any of that crap you said on your way out the door Thursday night
9. Wash the taste out of your mouth and run from that apartment before anyone else wakes up
8. Inquire about the possibility of a refund for that big bet you made on the Mets winning a World Series in the next 2 years
7. Inquire about the possibility of a refund for that big bet you made on the Mets winning a World Series in your lifetime
6. Start working on an excuse to get out of that New Year’s party at your in-laws house that you thought the Mayans were gonna save you from
5. Consider erasing all those episodes of Jersey Shore from your DVR (sorry, that’s one of Tgreen’s Top Ten Things You Should Do Whether or Not You Ever Thought the World Was Ending, Because Seriously)
4. Find something to distract you enough to get that damn REM song out of your head
3. Delete those pictures you took early Friday morning because technically they’re now evidence
2. Run out and buy all those Christmas presents you thought you wouldn’t need
1. See if you still have the receipt for those Nikes and that purple robe

And that’s all we have time for today. If, somehow, the Mayans were right, then I’m sorry this could be the last thing you ever read. Otherwise, I’ll see you back here sooner or later for more of the same, but different. Until then, deck some halls, jingle some bells, have a shot, watch some football, have another shot, watch some hockey…oh, wait, don’t get eyestrain from playing with your Nook too much, learn that poem, strike a pose, swing by the Waffle House and say hi to Elvis, don’t believe the hype, back away from that emergency cache of Twinkies, catch the wave, remember the Alamo, bet with your head, not over it, keep on rolling with the flow, stop touching that, run it up the flagpole to see if anyone salutes and, for maybe the last time ever, have a Happy Friday!

T “and I feel fine” green

If you understand nothing else, understand how much I hate to quit. How much I hate to quit just about anything, really (though I’ll admit to enjoying it when I’ve quit a couple of jobs during my career, including probably one more than most of you realize…). It’s just not in my nature to quit easily, and I’ve fought some damn stupid fights for some really lost causes in my day. I don’t even regret most of them, because fighting’s better than quitting.
That said, there are some realities that even I won’t fight, and so it’s time to face the fact that this year, NaNoWriMo kicked my ass. Kicked it worse than the Patriots handing a beatdown to the Jets.
For the uninitiated, NaNoWriMo stands for National Novel Writing Month. The goal is simple — write a 50,000-word novel in the month of November, win nothing but the feeling of accomplishment at actually writing a book in 30 days. I’ve tried it several times and I’ve won more often than not. But not this year, no sir. This year I suffered a good old-fashioned ass whupping.
I knew it was coming too. Could see it real clear real early, but I had to try anyway. The storm threw me off pace at the start. Not because my house was damaged or anything — I was real lucky there — but because I took in some displaced house guests and, most importantly, I was stuck working from home for that first week. So much of my NaNoWriMo writing gets done during my daily commute and I didn’t have one of those for nearly a week. And when I finally did, those buses were too crowded to get much done.
I think by the end of Day 1, I was about 1,000 words off pace. Turns out that was the closest to being on schedule I was ever gonna get this month. I was still making a decent effort, though, until my trip to Disney. That’s what blew the whole plan out of the water, and if I had any sense in my head I would’ve figured it out by my second day in Florida. I didn’t figure it out, and instead still was making an effort when I got back. Even after barely writing 1,000 words that whole week, somehow I thought I could still pull this off.
So today, I quit. No NaNoWriMo book for me this year. The idea I was working on was halfway decent. It had some potential. I could’ve done something with it under better circumstances. Don’t believe me? Here’s the first paragraph that I came up with late on November 1:

I spoke to the doctor after the storm and he gave me the worst news I could’ve imagined. He told me I was fine. Perfectly healthy for a man of my age and station. Which meant I was gonna have to find another way out. You see, I couldn’t just leave. Couldn’t just quit. If I wanted out there was only one way to do it — feet first in a box. And the doctor’s report wasn’t cooperating.

This narrator was caught up in a bad real estate deal. Oddly enough, a couple of days in I decided it was the same real estate deal that was a major plot point of another NaNoWriMo book I wrote several years ago. That year I hit the word count but never got to the ending. Maybe this real estate plot point is cursed and I should stop trying to use it. Maybe some day I’ll crack the code and end up with two semi-connected novels to sell. You just can never tell, which is why I do any of this to begin with. And since after a few pages I dragged in a character from last year’s winning NaNoWroMo novel, I could end up with 3 books. Or not.
As lousy as it feels to quit, it’s a little easier this time because I’ve already got a December deadline for something I think I can sell, and selling’s better than fighting’s better than quitting. Plus, I’ve got 2 other plans in the pipeline that might get me 2 more sales in the first half of 2013. I wouldn’t say no to either one.
I’m not used to quitting, so I’m not quite sure how to end this. Maybe with the last couple of paragraphs before I pulled the plug. In the end I kind of want to know what happens to my main character, so maybe I won’t leave him here. I hope not, anyway. I hate walking away from something like this, a mere 12,752 words into a 50,000 word story:

Jim crossed the room with careful steps. His head swiveled as he tried to see everything at once as he approached the stairway. He peered up into the blackness and frowned. Then he rapped the flashlight against the wooden bannister. The hollow metal-on-wood sound rang out.
“Anybody here?” he called. “Anybody need help?” He banged the flashlight twice more. “Anybody here who doesn’t belong?”
“You think that will work?”
“Might trick one of the dumber ones,” Jim said with a shrug. “Wait here. I’ll check upstairs.”
“No, this is my thing. I’ll go with you.”
“Suit yourself.”
Jim aimed the flashlight beam up the stairs. We could see nothing but dirty carpet and a blank wall at the top. I remembered a large framed painting up there, but it was gone now. Jim started up with slow, careful steps and I followed. The steps were slippery so I grabbed the bannister for support.

And that’s all there is. There ain’t no more. To be honest, I’ve got no idea who’s up those stairs. I’d like to find out, but that’s not gonna happen this month. November kicked my ass. Let’s see if I’ve got a comeback in me for December. Like the song says…

There ain’t no shame
In just giving up and walking away
Walking away
In just giving up
In just giving up
And walking away

Hello and welcome to the Happy Friday Thanksgiving Spectacular, where we define “Spectacular” as “the same jokes as always, but reordered in a special holiday fashion”. And by “special” we mean “barely at all different than any other time we’ve done this”. And by “this” we mean the “joke” we’re going for in this paragraph. And we put quote marks around the word joke because we are legally required to do so since that incident in The Poison Pen that time.

No idea why we’re using the word we, since everyone knows it’s just one guy writing all this. How sad would it be if an entire staff was required to come up with this crap? Sad indeed.

Fortunately, that’s not a mystery you need to ponder right now, and for that you can be thankful. Which is the point of today’s post. Being thankful. Because times have been tough lately, and so you may have reasons to doubt there’s anything to be thankful for right now. Maybe you got caught up in Superstorm Sandy (because it happened to New York, we can’t just call it a hurricane). Maybe you’re a huge Mitt Romney fan (really?!?). Maybe you were holding out hope to find one last Suzy-Q in the Hostess section of your supermarket (coincidentally, a wall of Suzy-Qs could hold back even the strongest flood). Or maybe you read the same article I read this morning that said scientists have discovered that fire tornadoes actually exist and are not just something that you might have expected Superman to fight in a 1967 issue of Action Comics.

I hear you. There’s plenty of reasons to pack it in tomorrow and either hold out for better in 2013 or start rooting for the Mayans the way you root for your favorite NHL team and maybe I could’ve picked a better example there but I’m too lazy to hit the delete key so I’m just going to keep typing and pretend I did not inadvertently just bring up another depressing fact for some of you. But no, we will not give in to any of that. And why? Because we here at Happy Friday Central have spent agonizing minutes coming up with reasons to be thankful this year.

And so tomorrow, as you sit down at the table across from your Uncle Herman with the crazy eye that’s always looking in two directions at once and your Aunt Doris with the snaggletooth and the “friend” she always goes on vacation with because Uncle Herman only leaves the house for major holidays and yard sales, and next to your cousin Shirley who you once dared to drink an entire gallon of milk and with whom you never, ever speak of that day again on one side and your brother Joe who’s had his face painted green for the Jets game for the last 3 weeks straight on the other side, and you try to figure out the odds that there will be any cranberry jelly or stuffing left by the time it’s your turn to fill your plate, just remember that this year, you can be thankful that…

…someone, somewhere is probably trying to figure out a way to cram a 4th NFL game into Thanksgiving Day.

…it’s past mid-November and the Islanders still have the same chance of winning the Stanley Cup this year as any other NHL team.

…the odds are pretty good that they’ve already made the worst Star Wars movie they’re ever gonna make.

…there’s no legal requirement for you to pay attention to anything Donald Trump has to say.

…they may have taken away the Twinkie, but the McRib could make a comeback any day now.

…Fox News is so mad at Mitt Romney right now it could be months before it remembers it’s supposed to be trashing Obama 24/7.

…you’ll never have to see that Shmuley Boteach campaign commercial ever again.

…Rex Ryan lost all that weight before the Jets play on Thanksgiving night so you probably won’t have to hear a 10-minute-long tribute to the turducken.

…autocorrect knows how to spell turducken.

…seriously, no matter how stupid a thing Trump says, you can ignore it or pretend it never happened or whatever and that’s okay.

…you work for good people who are always on the lookout for your best interests and treat you like an actual human being with your own thoughts and needs and plans. Or, more likely, you don’t but at least you know someone who does. Or, more likely, you don’t even know anyone who does but at least you enjoyed reading that sentence and pretending it’s true. Or, more likely, at least you’re drunk by noon every day.

…it could at least be possible the insurance adjuster might believe that the storm washed away your Lamborghini.

…autocorrect knows how to spell Lamborghini.

…thousands of smart people have spent millions of dollars over decades to create technology so powerful that you can now share a picture of a cat in a bow tie with people all over the world while you’re taking a dump.

…no, I don’t think you understand, Trump is totally ignorable. You don’t even have to try that hard.

…they still haven’t captured and jailed the Cream of Wheat Monster.

…our country can no longer send a man into space, but it can give you 16 different filters for your Instagram photos of space, or more likely of your roommate doing jello shots off of some girl’s ass.

…shows like Here Comes Honey Boo Boo are setting the bar of fame so low that even your stupid boring ass could be a TV star by 2017.

…Waffle House is open 24 hours.

…your office is not.

…you probably live near a state-of-the-art public transportation system that moves millions of people to and from thousands of destinations every day without a hitch (unless you live in the New York metropolitan area, in which case, no).

…no matter how shitty this list is, if you’re reading it at least that means you finally got your power back.

…even I eventually acknowledge I’m out of material, and then 5 or 6 “jokes” later like clockwork, I close it down.

So that’s all for this time. Enjoy the day off, don’t lose all your Christmas money on bad football bets, keep the cat out of the stuffing and the stuffing out of the cat, try to avoid a meltdown, at least finish your dinner before running out to one of the stores opening Thanksgiving night, don’t trample anyone while diving for a door buster at Walmart, learn that poem, keep your eyes skinned for small ice and growlers, please return your seats to an upright and locked position and, because there’s a giant plate of food planted right in front of you, have a Happy Thanksgiving!

T “I’m getting too old for this shit” green