Category: Top Ten

Happy Friday! 8/26/16

By , August 25, 2016 7:43 pm

I’m Tgreen, and this is Happy Friday, your one-stop shop for the same four jokes since 1995.

This week a car full of subway commuters was trapped without air conditioning for 30 minutes after a woman released a box of live roaches and crickets on the train. Fortunately, the MTA was able to leap into action because it already has a name for exactly this situation. It’s called Wednesday.

This week Speedo dropped its sponsorship of Olympic swimmer Ryan Lochte in the wake of his false story about what happened to him in Rio. A Speedo spokesperson said they had no choice but to drop Lochte, because “there’s no room for a lie in a Speedo. Seriously, have you seen one of these things? There’s literally no room for anything in there, much less a lie.”

Brazilian authorities have ordered Lochte to return to Rio to face charges for making a false police report, which means he’s now facing a choice between possible jail time in Rio or a season on Dancing With the Stars. It’s a harder choice than you might think.

Former Presidential candidate Michelle Bachman announced this week that she’s advising Republican candidate Donald Trump on foreign policy. Bachman said she foresees no problem with this new job despite the fact that her knowledge of foreign policy mainly comes from a Star Trek-branded copy of Risk she picked up on the cheap at a yard sale.

We also learned this week that a 12-year-old boy is running the Trump campaign’s ground operation in Colorado. Around the campaign he’s known as the overqualified one.

gotta catch 'em all

Japan’s Prime Minister pays up at the Rio Closing Ceremonies after losing a bet with the CEO of Nintendo

Louisiana lawmakers Steve Scalise, Bill Cassidy and John Fleming, who voted against a $50.5-billion relief package for Superstorm Sandy victims, signed a letter to President Obama this week asking for a disaster declaration for their state after last week’s historic floods. They figure it will be pretty easy to get emergency funds because they don’t have to worry about any assholes from Louisiana voting against them.

Police in Western New York are looking for a man dressed in a Batman mask and Captain America  costume who stole two 18-packs of beer. And in related news, Tony Stark has apparently fallen off the wagon again.

Drunk Tony

I don’t have a drinking problem. You have a having fun problem.


This week the FBI revealed that 15,000 more emails that Hillary Clinton didn’t hand over to investigators will be released in October. Since more than half of them involve correspondence with a prince from Nigeria asking for money, they’re obviously related to her State Department work.

This week the price of an EpiPen spiked from about $100 to more than $600. Mylan, the manufacturer, blamed the price hike on changes in insurance, but after it was revealed that their CEO gave herself a $18-million raise last year, the company announced that it would offer discounts to customers. Which is better than their original plan — a smaller EpiPen filled with a sedative to ease the shock of the price increase on the regular EpiPen.

This week NASA announced that it had found a spacecraft that was lost in space for two years. They were able to find it when their radios began picking up a broadcast that kept repeating “Danger, Will Robinson!”

According to the Associated Press, more than half of those who met with Hillary Clinton as a Cabinet Secretary gave money to the Clinton Foundation. A Clinton Foundation spokesperson said that this was entirely unacceptable and someone was going to be fired over it, because the original deal was supposed to be for no less than 90%.

Campaign documents show that the Trump campaign paid $356 to the speechwriter who wrote Melania Trump’s RNC speech. Which means that after Michelle Obama gets her cut, the speechwriter isn’t taking home very much at all.

A new study revealed that working less might make people more productive. And in related news, it appears I’ve worked with some of the most productive people in the world.

This week former new York City Mayor Rudy Giuliani told people who want to find out the truth about Hillary Clinton’s health to Google it. And let me tell you, this is a very efficient method because after you’re done looking up Hillary’s health you can catch up on the latest Bigfoot sightings.

Just be sure not to Google “Donald Trump rape”, though, because of all the information you can find with Google, I doubt Rudy wants you to read about that.

I have to say, Rudy was a lot less prone to falling for conspiracy theories back when he still had the combover. Did he keep some tinfoil tucked under that thing?

In response to recent stories that former Met and Yankee pitcher Dwight Gooden was once again doing cocaine, the New York Yankees offered to pay for his rehab if he would only get help for himself. The Mets wanted to help too, but they told Dwight he’d have to see if Bobby Bonilla had any spare cash to give him.

Scientists announced this week that they may have discovered an Earth-like planet orbiting Proxima Centauri, the star closest to our own. And in related news, Donald Trump announced he’s gonna need a taller wall.

They say the planet is “Earth-like”. Does that mean the people who live there are hell-bent on destroying the place and each other? Or does it mean something different to scientists?

A baby born on a Cebu Pacific flight was granted 1 million air miles in honor of the birth. No free WiFi, First Class upgrade or extra carryon bag, though. You have to be triplets or better to score that kind of swag.

And finally, this week McDonalds removed a device that tracked physical activity from its Happy Meals. Not because this was an invasion of privacy or anything like that. No, it was just that after three weeks, they hadn’t tracked any activity.

If you’ve gone anywhere near a movie theater lately, you’ve no doubt seen that superhero movies are the big thing. This summer we had Batman v Superman, Captain America: Civil War, and Suicide Squad, with Doctor Strange following this fall and dozens more on the schedule for the next 10 years or so. All this might make you think that the comic book industry is booming, but that’s not what’s happening at all. No, the comic book industry is in dire straits thanks to an aging fan base that has squeezed out the children who used to be the primary customers. Things have gotten so bad that publishers are being forced to update many of their classic titles in order to give this audience a more relatable reading experience, as you’ll see when you take a glance at…

Tgreen’s Top Ten Comic Books Designed to Appeal to an Aging Fan Base:

10. Ol’ Archie

9. Silver Scooter

8. Peter Parker, the Spectacular Middle Manager

7. The Elongated Prostate

6. The Fantastic Four Hours of Seep Before Having to Get Up to Pee

5. The Uncanny Ex-Wives

4. Plastic Surgeon

3. The Really-Really-Really-Post-Teen Titans

2. Crazy Cat Woman

1. Assisted Suicide Squad

And that’s all we have time for this week. Come back next time for the same jokes, just in a slightly different order. Until then, keep it out of the tall grass, don’t fall, if you must fall at least be sure Molly says something funny after you do it, play your cards right, don’t install anything fishy on your phone, keep your ice in your cup and not in the street, stay out of Rio jail, don’t feed anyone after midnight, admit that you would totally buy an issue of Peter Parker, the Spectacular Middle Manager, start your wagering about whether or not I can keep this thing going until Election Day and, as always, have a Happy Friday!

T “All-new, All-Different” green

Is using a copied bit to mock a copied speech too meta for a Happy Tuesday?

By , July 19, 2016 8:25 am

Donald Trump’s wife Melania gave a speech on the first night of the RNC this week and immediately came under scrutiny when part of her speech seemed to have been copied from a speech Michelle Obama gave at the DNC in 2008. And the similarities are unmistakeable. However, upon closer review of the speech it appears that there was more plagiarism involved than anyone initially thought, as you’ll see when you take a look at…

Tgreen’s Top Ten Other Lines From Melania Trump’s Speech That May Have Been Copied:
10. Just say no

9. Ask not what your country can do for you

8. I am not a crook

7. We hold these truths to be self evident

6. This is a day that will live in infamy

5. I did not have sexual relations with that woman

4. Sometimes you want to go where everybody knows your name

3. May the force be with you

2. Say hello to my little friend

1. It’s easy to grin when your ship comes in and you’ve got the stock market beat; but the man worthwhile is the man who can smile when his shorts are too tight in the seat.

Princess Melania

And I’m pretty sure she copied this look from Princess Leia in Return of the Jedi

The Top Ten Awakens

By , December 18, 2015 10:03 am

Today marks the official opening day for Star Wars: The Force Awakens, the 7th episode in the Star Wars saga. After the poor reception the prequel trilogy received, fans around the world have been understandably nervous about what to expect this time around. Reviews and early word of mouth are positive, but the only way to really know if the movie is any good is to go see it. I’ll be seeing it later today, but before I go I got to thinking about all the ways this movie could go wrong. I’m not one of those fans whose life will be ruined by a bad Star Wars movie, but still, I’m hoping that when the trailers are over and the John Williams music kicks in, I don’t see any of…

Tgreen’s Top Ten Ways They Can Screw Up Star Wars: The Force Awakens:

10. New cantina scene takes twice as long as necessary because everyone at the bar is too busy taking selfies to advance the plot

9. Princess Leia takes another crack at that English accent from the first Star Wars movie

8. Han Solo shows up riding an old fashioned motorcycle while blasting a Beastie Boys song (oh, wait, sorry, that’s one of Tgreen’s Top Ten Ways They Can Screw Up Star Trek Beyond)

7. Cameo appearance by Jar-Jar Binks’ annoying grandson Jar-Jar Urkel

6. Corporate synergy requires new Stormtrooper outfits to include Mickey Mouse ears

5. In an effort to hook today’s texting-addicted kids, the opening crawl includes emojis

4. Product placement deal ends with Apple logo plastered on new Death Star

3. Reveal Luke Skywalker has been hiding out with the ghosts of Bea Arthur and Harvey Korman’s characters from the Star Wars Holiday Special

2. New bad guy turns out to be two Ewoks in a black suit

1. Subplot has newly-empowered Emperor Palpatrump initiating a ban on all Jedi coming to Tatooine “just until we can be sure about them”

Until next time, go out and see Star Wars and halfway through stand up and yell, “Where the hell is Lando?!?”, get the large popcorn for a quarter more, please silence your cell phone, don’t fall asleep in those comfortable reclining chairs and, as always, May the Happy Friday be with you.

T “Top Ten Lists would be way easier if they only had 5 or 6 items” green

Happy 20th Anniversary!

By , November 17, 2015 11:22 am

  

It was twenty years ago today
Happy Friday taught you all to say,
“We don’t want to see those lame-ass lists.
“Their lack of humor leaves us really pissed.”
But on this anniversary
Here’s jokes you’ve read for years and years
Happy Friday’s Crappy Top Ten Lists

It’s Happy Friday’s Crappy Top Ten Lists
We know you won’t enjoy this show
It’s Happy Friday’s Crappy Top Ten Lists
The jokes you hated years ago
Happy Friday’s Crappy
Happy Friday’s Crappy
Happy Friday’s Crappy Top Ten Lists

It’s a surprise to be here
It’s certainly a shock
We thought we killed this damn thing off
You know you didn’t miss these jokes
You’d like to make them stop

I don’t really want to start this show
But I thought you might like to know
The writer’s giving jokes a spin
And he wants you to pretend to grin
So let me warn you all right now
The one and only Tgreen’s here
With Happy Friday’s Crappy Top Ten Lists

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand Happy Friday everybody! Yes, I know it’s technically Tuesday but since this is the actual anniversary of the first Happy Friday email, we’re just going to pretend that it’s Friday. Just like you used to pretend you laughed at all those Top Ten lists. The only difference now is you still have to go to work tomorrow. Shitty jokes and a Wednesday staring you in the face right after? No wonder I didn’t call this thing Happy Tuesday way back when.

This week actor Charlie Sheen revealed that he’s HIV positive. Doctors say there’s no way of knowing how Sheen got the disease because not only is he the first patient who was ever able to check off every possible way to get it on a lifestyle survey, he also added three other possibilities they’d never even heard of.

There was an embarrassing moment in the White House this week when President Obama’s Nobel Peace Prize fell off a shelf and accidentally launched 10 drone attacks in the Middle East.

This week the latest poll results have Ben Carson and Donald Trump leading in the GOP race for the 2016 election, which is a rare case where the story is actually its own punchline.

Former President Bill Clinton this week live-tweeted the second Democratic Presidential debate and showed his support for Hillary by using the hashtag #Imwithher, which is the first time he’s ever admitted to being with a woman without the involvement of a subpoena.

In response to the terrorist attacks in France, this week the United States announced new travel rules for Syrian refugees. From now on they’re only going to be allowed one explosive device and one automatic weapon in their carryon luggage.

In other Syria news, it was noted this week that Apple founder Steve Jobs’s father was a Syrian migrant, prompting Fox News to pull its app from the Apple App Store in protest.

This week aging mobster Vincent Asaro was acquitted of charges that he was involved in the 1978 Lufthansa heist. Jurors said Asaro couldn’t possibly have been guilty because his character never showed up in the movie Goodfellas.

In a biography released this week, former President George H. W. Bush said that his son’s advisors gave him some bad advice in the years after the 9/11 terrorist attacks. When asked to respond to the charges, former Vice President Dick Cheney said he had no hard feelings toward the former President and then offered to prove it by taking him on a special hunting trip.

In other Sith Lord news, Star Wars: The Force Awakens opens on December 18th. So if you think you may have some business to take care of on the Internet, you might want to take care of it on the 17th. Because after that the Internet is going to be used exclusively for complaining about Star Wars: The Force Awakens for the next 2.5 years.

And that’s enough News Roundup for this week.

Thanks to recent events I’ve seen a bomb-sniffing dog at my local train station. I can’t say whether he’s ever going to smell a bomb there, but I know for sure he’s never going to smell an on-time train in that station.

I’ll tell you, if the New England Patriots keep winning, everybody’s gonna want to put their hands on Tom Brady’s soft balls. Which is just how he likes it.

Last week I took my first Uber ride. My driver was a nice guy from Kenya named Benson. And I’ll admit it made me think about all the opportunities we have in this country. I mean, here was a guy born in the middle of Kenya who managed to pull himself up and move here and get a job he loves driving a car in San Antonio. Granted, it’s not as great a story as the guy born in the middle of Kenya who managed to pull himself up and move here and get a job he loves as the President of the United States, but it’s still pretty cool.

The previous paragraph was brought to you by Trump for President, 2016.

Us children of the 70s have an interesting month coming up. We’re going to have the opportunity to see a new Rocky movie with Sylvester Stallone playing Rocky, and then a new Star Wars movie with Harrison Ford, Mark Hammill and Carrie Fisher playing Han Solo, Luke Skywalker and Princess Leia. And then of course there’s the rumor that John Travolta was spotted getting fitted for a white suit.

And while we’re on the subject of Star Wars, the new movie, Star Wars: The Force Awakens takes place 30 years after the end of Return of the Jedi. This means that some of the new merchandise is quite different from what traditionally comes out for a Star Wars movie, as you’ll see when you take a look at…


Tgreen’s Top Ten Examples of Star Wars: The Force Awakens Merchandise:

10. Han Solo Blaster/AARP Card Combo Pack
9. Jabba the Hutt Slimming Undergarments
8. Large Print Movie Novelization
7. C3P0’s Twitter to English Translator, for Confused Grandparents Everywhere
6. The Chewbacca Hair Piece (formerly known as The Trump)
5. Princess Leia’s You’re My Only Hope Botox Cream
4. Imperial Walker
3. Jar-Jar Binks action figure (they really made at lot of these in 1999 so please just buy one already)
2. Lando Calrissian’s Cloud City Walking Shoes — So Comfortable You’ll Think You’re Walking on a Cloud
1. Luke Skywalker’s May the Force Be With You Male Enhancement Pills

And that’s all the time we have this week. I’m not entirely sure what the traditional present for the 20th Anniversary is, but I’m guessing it’s a crappy Top Ten List, right?

A brief historical note, if you’ll indulge me. The first Happy Friday did actually go out 20 years ago today in email format to a bunch of friends who’d just gotten email at work. Many of those people are still out there right now reading this, probably on a mobile device that no one could’ve predicted in 1995. I can only imagine it’s because they’re still waiting for me to write a good joke, in which case I might as well tell them I’ll see them all for Happy Friday’s 40th Anniversary, beamed directly to the brain implants we’ll all no doubt have by then.

If I counted up all the times I ended Happy Friday for good, never to return to it again, I’d get a higher number than George Pataki gets when he counts the people who’d vote for him in 2016, but despite that low bar it is a pretty high number. So thanks to those of you who do still show up whenever I find a few minutes to crank out one of these. And now Happy Friday is going to slip back into retirement for a bit. But Happy Friday will return on a regular-ish schedule next year to cover the 2016 Presidential Election. Sorry, there’s nothing I can do to stop that.

So until next time, stop encouraging Trump, celebrate your Thanksgiving with a Pizza Hut Triple Bypass, er, uh, Triple Treat box, stand up in the middle of that new Star Wars movie and shout “where the hell is Scotty?!?”, cower in fear as I decide whether I want to rerun all my old OJ Simpson jokes when that new OJ Simpson show comes on, go check IMDB to prove that I’m not lying about that OJ Simpson show, wonder if I made that reference just because Happy Friday doesn’t seem like Happy Friday without an OJ Simpson joke, realize that’s exactly why I did it, accept the fact that I’m using a very generous definition of the word “joke,” go to the store and buy Chris Christie a nice “sorry you won’t be President” card, ponder which is more presidential — Trump’s hair or the old Giuliani combover, be forgiving of the fact that this paragraph ran off the rails a lot of words ago and, as always, have a Happy Friday. Or Tuesday. Or whatever day you get around to reading this.

T “anyone know when that Poison Pen 30th anniversary is supposed to happen?” green

Still Plenty of Room in the 2016 Clown Car

By , May 28, 2015 8:48 pm

 Pataki  wins 

Former New York Governor George Pataki threw his hat into the ring for the 2016 Presidential race this week. With the list of Republican hopefuls growing by the day, it’s getting harder and harder for prospective candidates to stand out from the pack. Fortunately, the ways to praise Pataki practically write themselves (which is good because that means you can’t blame me for writing this crap), as you’ll see when you read…

Tgreen’s Top Ten Proposed George Pataki Campaign Slogans:

10. Pataki. The “P” isn’t silent. And yes, this is literally the most interesting personal fact we could come up with

9. Upstate New York’s Finest. You know, Upstate New York? That part of New York no one ever thinks about except for the first 10 seconds after an I Love New York commercial?

8. A better choice than Joe Biden. If Biden was running. Which so far he isn’t

7. No truth to the rumor he waited until Letterman retired to announce his campaign to avoid the additional ridicule

6. No truth to the rumor that Letterman even remembers who he is

5. Yes, he’s another pasty rich white guy, but at least he’s not crazy religious too

4. Of course he was Governor of New York. For several years. Before the blind guy and the guy who slept with the hooker. Just look him up on Wikipedia already

3. Almost never says “How high?” anymore when Rudy Giuliani says “Jump!”

2. Shows up regularly on Fox News, and you know Fox News won’t put on just any old crank with money and a tie

1. All of Trump’s chances of winning with none of Trump’s baggage

They Pelted Us With Rocks And Garbage!

By , May 20, 2015 9:01 pm

Letterman_Avengers

Tonight CBS airs David Letterman’s final show after 33 years on late night TV. I swiped a lot from David Letterman over the years, so I’m obviously sad to see him go. However, there are a few silver linings in this cloud, as you’ll see when you take a look at…

Tgreen’s Top Ten Good Things About David Letterman’s Retirement:

10. No more grown-ups on late night TV, so Jimmy Fallon will no longer look like a 12-year-old in comparison

9. Can finally stop trying to teach your dog a Stupid Pet Trick to get yourself on TV

8. Only cranky old guy you have to deal with regularly now is your dad

7. One less place for Jay Leno to ever appear on my TV again

6. Now you can really dig in to that last half hour of Conan without feeling guilty about it

5. The chance that Drew Barrymore might hop on your desk and flash you just increased by .00000000001%

4. No more getting creeped out by Paul Shafer’s bald head

3. Can stop worrying that someone on TV might say something to hurt Oprah’s feelings

2. CBS’s audience demographic just dropped all the way from 75 to 74.5

1. In a few weeks, no one will even remember where I swiped this Top Ten idea from

Same As the Old Boss

By , October 17, 2012 12:03 pm

Not sure how many of you knew this, but yesterday, October 16, was Boss’s Day. You know, Boss’s Day, the only day of the year where your boss can ask you to work late with no extra pay and you have to do it. Yep, the only day of the year where the boss can do that. I promise. The only day. Did you celebrate Boss’s Day yesterday? Lots of people did, and you may have been one of them without even realizing it. How is that possible? You’ll find out when you check out…

Tgreen’s Top Ten Ways People Celebrated Boss’s Day:
10. Kept Facebook open on their work computer for only 6.5 hours instead of the usual 7
9. Scribbled a mustache or a penis onto boss’s picture, but not both
8. Told him he kicked ass at that debate last night even though he obviously did not
7. Refrained from tweeting new entries in popular Twitter feed shitmyidiotbosssaid
6. Left thank you note after looting cabinets of pens, staples and Rice Krispie treats
5. Laughed at all his jokes, even the one where a priest, a rabbi and Jerry Sandusky walk into a bar
4. Showed her how to take a screen shot for the 300th day in a row, because this time that knowledge is gonna stick for sure
3. Drank 4 extra beers in his honor at lunch, slept quietly through afternoon not bothering him
2. Waited until today to tell him about that math error that will cost the company $3 million
1. Did everything he asked, no matter how stupid, dangerous, off-putting, soul-crushing, idiotic, mean-spirited, evil, short-sighted, misspelled, petty, outrageous, mini-brained, repulsive, tiring, craptastic, illegal, unacceptable, poorly-conceived, Tebowmaniacal, like a scene out of a shitty Steven Segal movie, Steinbrenneresque, stabby, URGENT!!!, Nixon-like, rapacious, Canadian, daring, Linsane, long-winded, repetitive, like the punchline got buried under a pile of words 5 minutes ago, unfortunate or just plain old dumb it might be (sorry, that’s one of Tgreen’s Top Ten Things People Do Every Day To Pay The Rent)

And there you have it. If you found yourself doing any of those things yesterday, congratulations, you celebrated Boss’s Day. And if not, there’s always next year. On Boss’s Day, the only day of the year your boss can ask you to work extra hours for free. Only day. Yes, I’m sure of that.

T “if I say I was drunk when I wrote this and then immediately check into rehab they probably can’t fire me” green

Happy Friday! A Look Back At Looking Back

By , September 10, 2012 11:43 pm

20120910-235049.jpg

I was thinking of maybe writing something for the 9/11 anniversary, but it didn’t take more than a couple of minutes to realize I don’t have much to say on that. But I still wanted to do something. So what I decided to do was to reprint the Happy Friday 6th Anniversary XXXtravaganza, which, as you’ll see, was a tribute to NYC from the days before the towers came down. Lots of this material was out of date in November, 2001, when I first compiled it. It’s practically ancient history now. Maybe this November I’ll try to slap together a sequel with the NYC-themed jokes I’ve written since then. But for now, I’ll leave you with a look back at some good old days filtered through some bad old days. Maybe after a day of 9/11 retrospectives, this could give you a laugh.

But only one, because these jokes aren’t very good. I mean seriously, just count the number of times I used the word “combover”. Who does that?

And on that note, let’s take an unedited trip back to November, 2001, when we really had no idea what was coming next…

Hard as it might be to believe, when I started this e-mail six years ago most of the people on that original list were just getting e-mail for the first time. Now e-mail is ingrained in our lives. So you see how much progress we can make so quickly. On the other hand, when I started this e-mail six years ago the World Trade Center was still standing and no planes were crashing five blocks from my brother and sister-in-law’s house. So you see how quickly things can go bad. So I guess what I’m saying is we take a few steps up and we get knocked a few steps back and then every Friday I sum it up in a bad Top Ten list.

When I was trying to figure out how to mark this anniversary, one thing I noticed is that from the first sentence back in 1995, this e-mail was grounded right in New York City. Local news filled a lot of space every week and even as the list grew and more people from other cities (or other countries) signed on, New York City was one of the main characters. If OJ or Clinton or Dole eventually wore out their welcome, New York and its players rarely did.

Since September 11, this city has changed in more ways than I can even understand, much less explain. So I thought it would be fun to take a look back at what New York used to be like in, well, I guess now they’re the old days. While reading through old Happy Fridays to find today’s material, I was surprised at how many jokes I wouldn’t dare try right now. I mean, I’d tell them but a lot of you would get really pissed at me. Keep that in mind while you’re reading and I think you’ll be surprised at how different things are today.

A warning, though, before we start. If September 11 made Rudy Giuliani your own private super hero, you might want to delete this e-mail right now and come back next week. Rudy was a favorite target of Happy Friday, and not everyone is gonna want to see that anymore. Also, if September 11 made George Pataki your own private super hero, not only do you want to delete this e-mail but you might also want to seek professional help. I mean, jeez, he’s George Pataki.

Okay, so New York has changed rather quickly but obviously I’m lagging behind.

Anyway, if you do choose to read this too-long-by-half e-mail, here’s an idea of what you can expect. You’ll see complaints about New York weather, New York sports, and New York subways. You’ll also see appearances by many major New York figures, some of whom haven’t been mentioned here in a long time. You’ll see some old intros and even one of the old opening rhymes. There are some Top Ten lists and one song. And tucked away in the middle of all this is one joke written a few years ago but never seen in Happy Friday until today. Think of it as one of those “bonus” tracks you get in a CD boxed set.

So open your minds, shut your mouths, and get ready to take a step back into Olde New York, late 90s style…

11/17/95
From the home office in Soho, where a dollar and a dream isn’t enough to buy you a subway token, it’s Tgreen wishing you a Happy Friday.

12/1/95
Tgreen’s Top Ten Signs That It’s Holiday Season in New York City:
10. Annoying homeless guy on street corner replaced by annoying Salvation Army guy.
9. Misspelled “Happy Hannukah” signs appear in store windows.
8. Smith Barney announces more layoffs.
7. Mayor Giuliani demands that he be referred to as “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Mayor”.
6. Greenwich Village-dwellers replace their body piercings with Christmas ornaments.
5. Sidewalk food vendors add eggnog and fruitcake to the menu.
4. Subway musicians serenade passengers with Kwanzaa carols.
3. Cab drivers shout “Happy Holidays” as they try to run you over.
2. O.J. takes advantage of sale at Bloomingdale’s to buy new gloves.
1. Old guys who like to sit children on their laps are hired, not arrested.

12/15/95
From the home office in Soho, where Jack Frost isn’t nipping at your nose, but Jack Pickpocket might be nipping at your wallet, it’s Happy Friday!

4/12/96
Tgreen’s Top Ten Signs That It’s Spring In New York:
10. George Steinbrenner fires somebody.
9. The homeless people start to bloom.
8. The Mets get mathematically eliminated from the playoffs.
7. Dawn goes back to wearing just one winter coat.
6. The Islanders go home to play golf.
5. Street vendors stop storing hot dogs in their pants to keep warm.
4. The Jets get mathematically eliminated from the playoffs.
3. The subways stop getting delayed by snow and start getting delayed by rain.
2. Mayor Giuliani starts spring cleaning on his comb-over.
1. Cab drivers give off a fresh, spring scent.

5/10/96
It’s Happy Friday time
I’m trying not to whine
About the Ranger’s game
Though they were pretty lame

But I won’t shed a tear
While Happy Friday’s here
I’ll keep that all inside
Until they lose Game 5

5/24/96
New York Mayor Rudy Giuliani proclaimed this Wednesday “Dwight Gooden Day.” Festivities included a special version of “Run, Hit and Slide” called “Drink, Smoke, and Snort.” Yankee owner George Steinbrenner celebrated by firing a ball boy.

6/14/96
It’s been a hot and wet week up here in New York City, but that really makes it sound a lot better than it actually was.

6/21/96
Tgreen’s Top Ten Signs of Summer In New York:
10. Mailmen stop blaming lousy service on snow and start blaming it on neighborhood dogs
9. The Mets get mathematically eliminated from the playoffs
8. Tgreen does another Top Ten list
7. New York City landlords finally fix their broken furnaces
6. Mayor Giuliani starts sporting the warm weather comb-over
5. Dawn stops wearing her parka
4. Rowdy fans riot during ticket sales for John Tesh’s summer tour
3. Sidewalk donut vendors start dropping ice cubes into yesterday’s coffee and charging an extra dollar for it
2. Late night TV addicts show their pride by wearing Blu-blocker sunglasses fresh from the infomercial
1. MTA starts “Name That Smell” contest in the subway system

6/28/96
Authorities in upstate New York caused a furor this week when they gathered up a flock of Canadian geese that was littering the town with droppings and made hamburgers out of them. Mayor Giuliani immediately scheduled a news conference for later today to announce his new plan to handle New York City’s problems with pigeons, rats, and squeegee men.

7/19/96
Speaking of Grand Central, the other day there was a bomb scare in the station, and a whole section of the waiting area was closed off. A square area about 50 feet on each side. Closed off with police tape. To protect people from a bomb. I guess what I’m getting at here is that either it must have been a very small bomb or that was some really strong police tape. Either way, I hope the New York Metro North Police aren’t in charge of the Olympic security.

7/29/96
I walked over to the new Virgin Megastore here in Manhattan this weekend, and that involved a little trip through Times Square. My, how things have changed. Instead of large advertisements for sex shows, there are big pictures of Andre Agassi and Wayne Gretzky advertising their All Star Cafe. I’m pretty sure when you go into the All Star Cafe and ask them to toss you a salad it’s quite different than in the old Times Square.

8/2/96
And finally, a new study shows that more and more New Yorkers are becoming hooked on gambling and the state has the most problem gamblers in the country. I bet they’re wrong about that.

8/9/96
In Sports, Darryl Strawberry hit three home runs in one game this week, prompting Yankee announcer Phil Rizutto to speak fondly about a particularly good cannoli he ate back in 1972.

8/16/96
In Sports, the New York Mets and the San Diego Padres play a historic series this weekend in Mexico. Met fans everywhere are hoping that the entire team defects to Mexico and never returns. In a related story, the Yankees were originally scheduled to play in Mexico, but team officials were afraid the return trip would take too long with Dwight and Darryl both having to go through that inspection at the border.

9/6/96
New York City Mayor Rudy Giuliani blasted the USTA for requiring planes to avoid flying over the US Open while matches were being played. Apparently the planes were disruptive because the fans saw them and realized that a plane ticket to almost anywhere was cheaper than the hot dog they just bought at the concession stand.

10/9/96
The Jets lost another game, huh? I think I can just incorporate that into my standard signature file for the rest of the season.

In honor of controversial ballplayer Roberto Alomar’s arrival in New York, disk jockeys from Z100 have been passing a jar around, asking Yankee fans to spit in it. They hope to present Alomar with the jar this afternoon. Hmmm, a jar filled with the spit of Yankee fans? You couldn’t get me to carry that around if you let me wear 2 of those “Outbreak” virus protection suits.

10/11/96
And finally, a 12-year-old New Jersey boy reached over the wall and snared a fly ball that was ruled a home run, allowing the Yankees to tie and eventually win Game 1 of the American League Championship Series. No 12-year-old boy has handled a ball this famous since Michael Jackson’s last sleepover party.

10/21/96
New York City Mayor Rudy Giuliani was hailed as a hero this weekend when he used his comb-over to prop up a bridge washed out during the Nor’easter, saving a busload of children.

11/15/96
And finally, the New York City Transit Authority, in an attempt to shorten the amount of time an average commuter spends in the subway, announced a new plan whereby all subways will only keep their doors open for 45 seconds at each stop before moving on. In addition, all muggings must be completed in under a minute and anyone who rubs a part of their body against a total stranger on a packed train must take no more than 20 seconds to do so.

12/6/96
Tgreen’s Top Ten Signs It’s Christmas Season In New York:
10. Bars start serving “Long Island Egg Nog”
9. Sightings of “Homeless Claus” on city streets
8. Times Square hookers start offering to “Roast Your Chestnuts”
7. Pickpockets still take your wallet, but they leave behind a candy cane
6. Subways sprayed with fresh pine scent
5. Al Roker does the weather wearing a white beard
4. Supermarkets start stocking “Fruitcake Helper”
3. City cops tell criminals to have a Holly Jolly night in jail
2. Parking lot owners stop overcharging for parking spaces and start overcharging for Christmas trees
1. Ceremonial lighting of Rudy Giuliani’s comb-over

12/13/96
New York City cops this week began giving out $50 tickets to anyone taking up more than one seat on the subway. This should provide a great incentive to watch what you eat at the office Christmas party lest your butt start to creep into the seat next to you and cost you $50. Because honestly, if you’re going to spend $50 on a piece of ass, you don’t want it to be your own.

12/20/96
It’s pretty cold out there in New York today. How cold is it? Well, it’s so cold that Mayor Giuliani had them put an extra layer of fiberglass insulation into his comb-over. It’s so cold that the temperature almost dipped to the number of games the Jets have won this season.

1/10/97
Hello everyone and welcome to another edition of Happy Friday. For those of you in other parts of the country, we did have a little snow on the ground yesterday here in New York. Fortunately, as part of Mayor Giuliani’s crackdown on “quality of life” problems, NYPD officers quickly evicted the snow from the street and forced it to spend the night in a shelter.

New York City Real Estate mogul Harry Helmsley died earlier this week, which is actually a small price to pay to finally get away from Leona.

1/17/97
The New York Rangers debuted their new third uniform this week, but they quickly discovered that their fans were still able to recognize them by their lousy play. Rangers GM announced that if the team continues to play poorly on home ice against bad teams, their next step would be to enter the Federal Witness Protection Program.

2/21/97
New York’s Senator Al D’Amato was in hot water this week when it was revealed that he transferred $1.9 million from a Republican campaign fund directly into the campaign of George Pataki during Pataki’s run for governor. Republicans aren’t mad that D’Amato transferred the money, they just feel that for $1.9 million he could have gotten them someone better than George Pataki.

Five Long Island housewives were busted this week for being part of an international drug ring. Apparently they hid the drugs in pouches sewn into New York Islander jackets, and airport officials were always too busy snickering at the Islanders silly logo to think about searching the women for drugs.

2/27/97
A gunman opened fire at the Empire State Building this weekend. Unfortunately, neither of the buildings owners, Donald Trump and Leona Helmsley, were there at the time.

3/14/97
New York City Police Commissioner Howard Safir was hospitalized for emergency double-bypass surgery last week. Mayor Giuliani immediately put a positive spin on things, claiming that under previous mayors Safir would have required triple or possibly even quadruple bypass surgery, so that’s just one more thing that’s gotten better since he was elected.

3/21/97
New York Governor George Pataki gave a speech in Ohio this week and earned $15,000, which is kind of funny because that’s about what the average New Yorker would be willing to pay if the Governor would just shut up.

3/28/97
I was pouring milk on my cereal the other day and whose picture did I see on the carton but the Rangers’ offense.

4/4/97
This week a Federal judge recommended that to end a decades-long dispute, New York and New Jersey should agree to split Ellis Island. New York, unfortunately, must still keep sole possession of Al D’Amato.

4/18/97
New York City officials announced plans to introduce into the city’s ecosystem several species that have been missing for many decades. Starting in May, chipmunks will be placed in Central Park; woodchucks will be placed in the Bronx; box turtles will be placed in Brooklyn; and nonpartisan, rational politicians will be placed in the city government.

New York Governor George Pataki alerted his Lt. Governor, Betsy McCaughey Ross, by letter that he would be dropping her from the ticket during his reelection campaign in 1998. State officials are not sure if the letter is really binding, however, since no one said, “D’Amato Says,” before it was sent.

5/2/97
I saw “Volcano” last weekend. Even filled with molten lava the LA subway stations looked nicer than my local 6 train stop.

5/9/97
New York City Mayor Rudy Giuliani appears in this week’s “Amazing Spider-Man” newspaper strip asking Spider-Man to help him defeat an undead creature from the past who is rampaging through the city causing serious damage to Giuliani’s reputation. We’ll find out this Sunday if Spidey is willing to help the Mayor, and if their combined forces will be enough to silence former Mayor Ed Koch’s criticism of Giuliani’s policies.

5/16/97
Tgreen’s Top Ten Reasons Godzilla Came To New York:
10. Hopes to catch Marla Maples Trump on the rebound
9. Heard about the Happy Friday party
8. Wants to stop “Live with Regis and Kathie Lee” once and for all
7. George Steinbrenner wanted a second Japanese pitcher
6. Looking to get back the ten bucks King Kong owes him
5. Can’t be the scariest monster ever until he takes on Leona Helmsley
4. Big craving for street-vendor hot dogs
3. Wants to renew his subscription to the New York Post
2. Needs to put some money into a 401(k) plan now or he’ll never have enough when he’s ready to retire
1. Hot date with the Statue of Liberty

5/30/97
Senator Al D’Amato nominated a blind judge to a federal judgeship in New York this week. Now he just needs judges who speak no evil and hear no evil and he can do whatever he wants.

6/13/97
The Walt Disney company is holding a huge Electrical Parade in honor of the world premiere of Hercules this weekend. The lineup of floats will travel down 42nd Street this weekend, and in honor of Disney’s new Times Square location, several new characters will premiere at the parade. Among them are the new Dwarves Gropey, Druggie, Horny and Rudy.

7/3/97
A recent survey showed that New York City is the number 1 city that people want to move to from other parts of the country. Surprisingly, most of them said the main reason they want to move here is to vote against Al Sharpton in this year’s Mayoral election.

8/8/97
Tgreen’s Top Ten Ways New York Celebrated Garth Brooks Day:
10. Spitoons on the subway
9. Police force replaced by rodeo clowns
8. Street vendors have special sale on Buffalo kabobs
7. Squeegee guys decked out in chaps and spurs
6. Detectives encouraged to hog-tie suspects
5. Yellow cabs replaced by hay rides
4. Subway announcements begin with “Y’all”
3. Cow tipping on Wall Street
2. Traffic signals changed to “Twostep,” “Don’t Twostep” signs
1. Mayor Giuliani sports special 10-gallon comb-over

9/12/97
The Reverend Al Sharpton forced a run-off election in this week’s primaries to see who will challenge Mayor Giuliani in this November’s elections. In related news, the Devil was seen buying a scarf and some warm mittens, just in case.

The Statue of Liberty was closed last Sunday due to strange odors caused by a sewage problem, which is odd because they sure don’t close New Jersey for essentially the same problem.

9/26/97
Tgreen’s Top Ten New York Autumn Activities:
10. Help corner hot dog vendor finish off June hot dog shipment
9. Practice “Wait ’til next year” chant with Giants fans
8. Paint taxicabs with festive jack o lantern designs
7. Help put leg warmers on the Statue of Liberty
6. Ride the Staten Island Ferry in a Pilgrim costume and then wander lower Manhattan asking where Plymouth Rock is
5. Forget about apple picking, do some pocket picking instead
4. Return those New York Mets World Series tickets
3. Run on down to McDonalds for some “Pumpkin McNuggets”
2. Go bobbing for subway tokens
1. Rake leaves from Mayor Giuliani’s comb-over

10/10/97
New York’s Mayor Giuliani paid off a bet with Cleveland’s mayor by sending him 10 pounds of striped bass from the East River. Ten pounds of fish from the East River?!? What was Cleveland going to send if the Indians lost, a 10-pound jar of cyanide?

Tgreen’s Top Ten Reasons For This Week’s Warm Weather In New York:
10. Steam from under George Steinbrenner’s collar got loose
9. Someone left the door open at my dad’s house and that does heat the whole neighborhood after all
8. Leftover hot air from the Giuliani/Messinger debate
7. Donald Trump’s deal with the Devil altered to include young blonde girlfriends and heatwave in October
6. Extra heat generated by bonfire of unnecessary Yankee World Series tickets
5. All corner hot dog vendors went in for annual water changing at the same time
4. Galactic forces thrown into chaos due to 4-2 record of New York Jets
3. Secret Transit Authority subway heater accidentally pointing the wrong way
2. Heat turned up so the Rolling Stones don’t catch a chill while performing here next week
1. Bill Gates’ Microsoft Autumn still has a couple of bugs in it

11/7/97
Tgreen’s Top Ten Ways Rudy Giuliani Celebrated His Reelection:
10. Painted comb-over red, white and blue
9. Had cops write loitering ticket for the Statue of Liberty
8. Gave George Steinbrenner a big, wet kiss
7. Stuck a few pins in his Ed Koch voodoo doll
6. Visited some important constituents backstage at Scores
5. Climbed to the top of the World Trade Center and mooned New Jersey
4. Left obscene message on David Dinkins’ answering machine
3. Ordered the police force to start wearing these snappy brown shirts he got on sale
2. Planned invasion of Poland
1. Promised that the trains would run on time

1/16/98
New York’s Mayor Rudy Giuliani announced this week that he wants to crack down on jaywalkers and will force pedestrians to only cross at intersections and only at green lights. After he accomplishes this, Giuliani said he will part the East River, send a swarm of locusts into New Jersey, and slay a giant with the jawbone of a Pataki.

1/23/98
Two New Yorkers set a world’s record for fastest trip through the entire subway system this week. They visited all 469 stations in 25 hours and 11 minutes, which is only about 3 hours longer than the average evening commute on the 2 train.

1/28/98
Chinese New Yorkers marked their New Year without their traditional fireworks due to a city fireworks ban. Critics complain that the fireworks law is not fair and point to a recent Rolling Stones concert where fireworks were used as an example. They say that the Chinese should also be allowed to use fireworks because their New Year has been celebrated for the last 4696 years, while the Rolling Stones have only been around for about half that long.

Two New York City subway cars collided on an elevated track this week derailing several cars and starting a fire. Fortunately, with the new Metrocard you get 11 derailments for the price of 10.

2/20/98
New York State Lt. Governor Betsy McCaughey Ross had a scare when her rented plane lost an engine, hit the ground and caught fire shortly after takeoff. In a statement, Governor Pataki said he had no idea how that wrench and those bolts got into his office.

In trying to calm us down, the police are saying that New York is fully prepared to deal with any kind of gas attack in the subways. I’d feel a lot more confident about that if they could just show us they can get rid of that funky smell the subway has every summer.

3/6/98
New York City Mayor Rudy Giuliani has written a childrens’ book about what kids can be when they grow up. Among the possibilities suggested by the mayor are: player on the New York Yankees, opera singer, cop, fireman, lord and master of all you survey to the point where you can have someone executed for jaywalking in front of City Hall…bwah-hah-hah-hah-hah! Oh, sorry, that last one came not from Giuliani’s childrens’ book but from his personal diary.

3/13/98
And finally, New York City mayor Rudy Giuliani appeared on stage at a press banquet dressed as the Beast from “Beauty and the Beast,” where he performed a version of “Be Our Guest” that went a little something like this:

It’s my hair
That I wear
Not some wig
That needs repair

I just grow it
From my right ear
And then comb it
Here to there

My hairdo
That I love
The small bit
Left up above

It will sit there
Where I comb it
With some Brylcreem
And a prayer

3/27/98
And finally, Mayor Giuliani has a new plan to give the best beat cops a $1,400 bonus. The Patrolman’s Benevolent Association has come out against the plan, saying that it will discriminate against cops doing other kinds of work. Coming out strongly in favor of the plan is Dunkin’ Donuts, for what a company spokesman said were “obvious reasons.”

Tgreen’s Top Ten Signs It’s Spring In New York:
10. Local weather forecasters ditch frowny snowflake graphic and start using smiley sun graphic
9. George Steinbrenner fires Old Man Winter
8. Hot dog vendors start wearing t-shirts and shorts…and hairnets for their arms and legs
7. Mallomar hoarding begins at local supermarkets
6. Storeowners put up signs proving there are lots of different ways to spell “matzo”
5. Scientists announce they still don’t know what the hell is in the center of the Cadbury Creme Egg
4. Tgreen does this same damn Top Ten List
3. Donald Trump explains to his latest girlfriend that the Easter Bunny isn’t real
2. New York Mets take the first of 162 shots at mediocrity
1. Mayor Giuliani dyes his combover a festive pastel color

4/17/98
Hello everyone and welcome to the end of a pretty weird week here in New York City. First off we had that 500-lb steel joint fall from the ceiling at Yankee Stadium, which when you think about it was probably the heaviest thing to fall at the Stadium since George Steinbrenner slipped in his luxury box.

4/28/98
Tgreen’s Top Ten Ways To Tell You’re Watching the Playoffs:
10. Pat Riley breaks out the lucky tube of Brylcreem
9. Refs look the other way for everything short of a stick forced through the esophagus
8. Daily appearance of Spike Lee during postgame highlights
7. ESPN announcers contractually required to utter the phrase “Lord Stanley” every 6 minutes
6. Last 30 seconds of the basketball game take 10 minutes to play instead of the usual 5
5. Sudden glut of post-game interviews with Esa Tikkanen
4. Knick players start practicing their post season excuses during timeouts
3. Martin Brodeur coughs up overtime goal
2. Color Commentator’s every story somehow mentions Michael Jordan
1. No more Islander games on TV

5/1/98
Tgreen’s Top Ten Other Things Rudy Giuliani Plans To Take Credit For:
10. Hiding vital national security secrets under his comb over
9. Keeping the Jets the hell out of New York
8. Having Danny Bonaduce on the radio here prevents other washed-up former TV stars like Todd Bridges or Jerry Mathers from getting their own shows
7. Unusually warm winter that kept subways extra-fragrant all year long
6. Al Roker hasn’t broken out of the Today show set and eaten innocent bystanders yet
5. Unexpected high draft pick for New York Rangers this year
4. Average citizens can walk right up to the City Hall steps and probably not get shot on sight
3. Miniskirts along Broadway
2. Donald Trump doesn’t own the whole town yet
1. Everyone in the city is no more than 10 blocks from Chinese take out at 3 AM

5/8/98
You know, I think Knicks fans all over the city were excited over the prospect of getting the “old Patrick Ewing” back for the playoffs until they realized that the “old Patrick Ewing” never actually won a championship either.

5/22/98
Yankee pitcher David Wells pitched a perfect game this week, and to honor him Mayor Giuliani gave Wells the key to the city. Wells proceeded to use the key to open up the city’s liquor cabinet.

12/4/98
New York’s Transit Authority announced this week that is has a $379 million surplus. This money is now expected to pay for 112 new subway cars, 173 new buses, and 800 new panhandlers.

12/11/98
Tgreen’s Top Ten Ways Christmas Would Be Different If Rudy Giuliani Was In Charge:
10. All elves had better be able to show proof of citizenship or they ain’t working this year
9. Frosty the Snowman constantly busted for loitering
8. No more looking under the Christmas tree for gifts — now you look under the Christmas combover
7. During the month of December, all crime scenes will be roped-off with garland instead of police tape
6. He knows when you’ve been sleeping, he knows when you’re awake, he knows when you’re turnstile jumping, he knows when you’re jaywalking, he knows when you’re littering, he knows when…oh, never mind
5. Manger scene will be locked behind concrete barriers for security purposes
4. New task force formed to break up mistletoe smuggling ring
3. Twelve days of Christmas now cut down to eight for budgetary reasons
2. New reindeer games facility to be built on West Side of Manhattan
1. “Decking the halls” now a quality of life violation

1/8/99
Can you believe this? People are saying that First Lady (at least for the time being) Hillary Clinton would be a great candidate for Pat Moynihan’s Senate seat when Moynihan retires in 2001. To qualify, Hillary would have to establish a New York address and I hear that she’s interested in doing so. Bill was also interested in moving to New York until he heard that we cleaned up Times Square.

2/5/99
And if you need another reason to love this place, New York is probably the only city where you can hear a news report about a bridge that’s collapsing that includes the quote, “…but it’s not too dangerous because only part of the bridge is falling into the river…” We just don’t scare easy here.

8/27/99
Tgreen’s Top Ten Unexpected Sights During Yesterday’s Storm:
10. Homeless people huddling near the subway tracks enjoying a heaping bowl of ‘Subway Platform Stew’
9. West Side hookers for once complaining about getting wet
8. Mayor Giuliani trying to float Yankee Stadium down to the West Side of Manhattan
7. Cab drivers stranded on FDR taking the chance to get their weekly baths in a little early
6. A visiting President Clinton offering to help by looking for the dyke and asking if he had to use his finger
5. Celine Dion singing that goddamn ‘My Heart Will Go On’ song as city bus sinks into giant pothole on 6th Ave
4. Soaked pedestrians huddling from the rain in the doorway of an electronics store despite the fact that every TV in the window was tuned in to ‘The View’
3. Hot dog vendors building a life-saving dam out of stale buns and knishes
2. Metro North commuters each being handed a paddle for the commute home
1. Long-time New Yorker Hillary Clinton using her carpetbag as a floatation device

10/1/99
So the encephalitis-bearing mosquitoes have moved from the city to Westchester and Connecticut? Fucking yuppie bugs.

10/29/99
Tgreen’s Top Ten Things To Watch For At The New York Yankees Ticker Tape Parade:
10. Mayor Giuliani taking yet another opportunity to fit his entire head up Steinbrenner’s ass
9. The snappy dish who climbed on my shoulders during the 1986 Mets parade still trying in vain to find me again
8. Darryl Strawberry looking to party like it’s 1999
7. Yogi Berra looking to party like it’s 1959
6. Lead float eluding Jets defense and scoring late fourth quarter TD
5. Derek Jeter receiving more marriage proposals than you’ve had dates
4. Lifelong Yankee fan Hillary Clinton accidentally referring to every black player as “Sammy Sosa”
3. Pete Rose betting on who gives the longest speech
2. Newspaper headline announcing that hell has frozen over (Sorry, that’s one of Tgreen’s Top Ten Things To Watch For At The New York Rangers Ticker Tape Parade)
1. Al Gore bragging on how he invented the Ticker Tape Parade

12/10/99
Did you see the latest news from the Fulton Fish Market? Apparently they’ve been selling fish caught in polluted New York waters to local restaurants. They would have gotten away with it too, if Jimmy Hoffa’s cufflink hadn’t turned up in someone’s Filet-O-Fish.

6/23/00
And speaking of turning things around a bit, a short while back Mayor Giuliani, in the span of like a week, announced he had prostate cancer, announced he had a girlfriend, announced he was getting a divorce, and announced he wasn’t running for the Senate after all. In fact, we soon learned that while he was married he’d actually had at least two affairs, which made me wonder if he really had prostate cancer or if, in fact, he’d simply worn the damn thing out.

9/15/00
Rats. Rats, rats, rats, rats, rats. Am I trying to sneak a subliminal message past you all? Nope. I’m just describing my morning commute on the subway.

9/22/00
You know, I watched another Rick Lazio speech this week and I really think he might be a good candidate once he goes through puberty.

10/20/00
Tgreen’s Top Ten Advantages To A Subway Series:
10. It really pisses off Ted Turner
9. Chinatown sweatshops get to add third shift to handle all the knockoff t-shirt manufacturing
8. Brooklyn Brewery offers special commemorative “bottle-throwing” 6-pack
7. Won’t have to turn on CNN’s Middle East coverage to see burning, flipped over cars and rioting in the streets — just look out your window
6. Duracell will break sales record on D batteries during Yankee home games
5. Long-time New Yorker Hillary Clinton won’t have to stray too far from home to enjoy some baseball
4. If you have a pulse, a baseball hat and an opinion, you can get interviewed on the local news!
3. No need for a 15-hour tape delay
2. At any given moment there’s a reason to show tape of the ball rolling through Buckner’s legs
1. First game, first inning, Mets up 1-0, Steinbrenner fires someone

11/8/00
And in bigger news, Hillary Clinton is the new junior Senator from New York State. I have to give Hillary credit. Most women, when they find out that their husbands are getting blowjobs on the side, get the TV, the car or even the house. Hillary got New York. That’s a hell of an accomplishment and she deserves congratulations.

It is funny that Rick Lazio barely got the word “concede” out of his mouth before Chuck Schumer jumped in front of the cameras to introduce Hillary. Somehow he managed not to trample any small children in his mad rush to get to the podium, but it wasn’t for lack of trying.

12/15/00
Ah, Christmas. Christmas in New York is a very special time. People come here from all over the world, looking to find the true spirit of Christmas. Well, I found it for them. Yes, I discovered the true spirit of Christmas about a week and a half ago when I noticed that some of Santa’s elves had visited Virgin Megastore and raised the price of every CD by a dollar from what they cost the week before. There’s the real spirit of Christmas, folks.

1/5/01
My favorite part of that display was when the mayor whipped out pictures he’d taken himself from a helicopter over the airport. It’s good to know that the mayor goes out on patrol in search of crimes. Now I know why he stopped the tours of the old subway station beneath City Hall. He’s turned it into his very own Batcave. Any night now we’ll see the Comb-over Signal in the sky.

1/19/01
Okay, so let me get this straight. Senator Hillary Clinton goes in for her first day of work representing New York State, and that very same morning New York City has an earthquake? What are we gonna get the first time she casts a vote, locusts?

It’s almost enough to make you miss Al D’Amato. Almost. I’d like to actually meet the locusts before I make a final decision.

2/2/01
I had a lot to do today, so I was going to ask my good buddy Kerry Collins to forward this e-mail for me, but then I realized the e-mail would probably get intercepted, so here I am.

Rudy Giuliani was also in the news this week after signing a $3 million contract to write two books. I’m gonna go out on a limb here and guess that neither one of them is a book on hair care.

5/4/01
In sports news, New York Jets owner Woody Johnson is allegedly considering moving the team to Los Angeles. Naturally, this idea is causing huge protests. In Los Angeles.

And there you have it, just a taste of Olde New York. I can remember those days like they were only 2 and a half months ago. Which they kind of were. I hope you enjoyed this look into the past, and if you didn’t I hope you aren’t pissed that I brought back some bad memories.

To put together this e-mail I compiled a 45 page document that included just about every New York-related joke I ever wrote in Happy Friday. Most of that document didn’t make the cut today (so if you were underwhelmed by this e-mail just keep in mind this was the best stuff and so it could’ve been much worse). While reading through all those old e-mails I was reminded of all the crap you folks have put up with over the last 6 years. Well, thanks for sticking around. As I seem to write every year, I’m not sure how much longer this e-mail will go on. I’m especially unsure these days, but I can promise that at least I’ll try to entertain you every week right here in this e-mail. The key word being “try”, so get off my back.

T “I’ve outlasted Bubba Clinton and Al D’Amato and Rudy Giuliani, so who’s next?” green
——————————————————————————-
All contents Copyright 2001, Tgreen
Next Wednesday we’ll have a little Thanksgiving humor, and you can probably start today by giving thanks that this e-mail is finally over.

“I’m going to New York City
I’ve never really been there, just like the way it sounds
I heard the girls are pretty
There must be something happening there it’s just too big a town”

s. earle

“The world won’t wait and I watched you shake
But honey, I don’t blame you
Hell, I still love you New York”

r. adams

Happy Friday! Appreciation Edition!

By , March 2, 2012 10:27 am

Working Late

Hello and welcome to a much shorter than usual edition of Happy Friday! You’re welcome.

Today is Employee Appreciation Day here in the US, and I know that for some of you, this revelation is little more than an excuse to gripe and moan about how little you’re actually appreciated at your job. And that’s okay. But maybe you’re appreciated more than you realize. Maybe your boss shows you appreciation in ways you’re just not seeing. It’s possible, right? If you don’t believe me now, I’m sure you will after you’ve read…

Tgreen’s Top Ten Ways Your Boss Shows Appreciation To You:

10. Keeps you on site for many extra hours every night just because she likes having you around
9. Fears you might fall victim to a Ponzi scheme of some sort if you had too much money just lying around, so he underpays you
8. Ensures you won’t catch some nasty bug in the bathroom by keeping it so dirty you wouldn’t spend a second longer in there than you actually had to
7. Helps boost the creative side of your brain by being so bad at her job you spend all day thinking up ways to eliminate her
6. Boosts your ego by surrounding you with idiots and guaranteeing you feel like the smartest one in the room
5. Provides no free snacks or drinks in the break room so that it’s easier for you to watch your weight
4. Promotes warm feeling of nostalgia by filling the workplace with the finest equipment 1998 had to offer
3. Keeps holidays and vacation time to a minimum so you don’t succumb to laziness
2. Practically guarantees you a spot in heaven by inspiring you to pray daily, “Lord, please send me to a better place than this”
1. Keeps you so busy you rarely have time to read crappy Top Ten lists during the day anyway

So there you have it, documented proof that under that crusty, cheap, half-insane exterior, your boss likes you. Your boss really, really likes you. Now stop your whining and get back to work.

T “this list is intended for comedic purposes only and any resemblance between items on this list and any real life situations is unintended and purely coincidental and I hope this disclaimer is enough to keep me out of trouble because I really need my job and I didn’t write this anyway, I copied it from my 3-year-old nephew, which is why it’s written better than usual” green

Xmas Top X

By , December 24, 2010 12:03 pm

Some years get so hectic that the sound of “Ho, Ho, Ho!” is actually drowned out by the labored gasps bursting from your chest as you try to wrap up all your last-minute holiday errands. But no matter how crazy things get, your reward is a nice, relaxing Christmas with family and friends, right? Maybe. Or maybe instead you’ll end up experiencing something from…

Tgreen’s Top Ten Signs Christmas Isn’t Going So Well:
10. Accidentally gave wife’s gift to mom, and mom’s gift to wife, and neither one of them noticed
9. Egg nog + new Wii Fit = trip to emergency room
8. Mistletoe belt buckle attracts unwanted attention from your sister’s aggressive cat
7. Gingerbread house gets foreclosed before you can eat it
6. Slightly-confused aunt thought she was getting you tickets to Spider-Man: Turn Off the Dark, actually got you tickets to Batman & Robin: Turn Down the Bed
5. Everyone’s stocking stuffed with coal from mine in Chile
4. 1966-era fruitcake bought on eBay as a joke suddenly promoted to dessert
3. Children insist on marathon playing of A Very Bieber Christmas album
2. Best gift you got was copy of Sarah Palin’s new book
1. Most party guests spend day discussing next year’s trip to Mecca

Now go on and finish wrapping your presents, mixing your egg nog, trimming your tree, decking your halls, and be sure to have a Happy Friday and, of course, a Merry Christmas!

T “holly jolly” green

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