I was thinking of maybe writing something for the 9/11 anniversary, but it didn’t take more than a couple of minutes to realize I don’t have much to say on that. But I still wanted to do something. So what I decided to do was to reprint the Happy Friday 6th Anniversary XXXtravaganza, which, as you’ll see, was a tribute to NYC from the days before the towers came down. Lots of this material was out of date in November, 2001, when I first compiled it. It’s practically ancient history now. Maybe this November I’ll try to slap together a sequel with the NYC-themed jokes I’ve written since then. But for now, I’ll leave you with a look back at some good old days filtered through some bad old days. Maybe after a day of 9/11 retrospectives, this could give you a laugh.
But only one, because these jokes aren’t very good. I mean seriously, just count the number of times I used the word “combover”. Who does that?
And on that note, let’s take an unedited trip back to November, 2001, when we really had no idea what was coming next…
Hard as it might be to believe, when I started this e-mail six years ago most of the people on that original list were just getting e-mail for the first time. Now e-mail is ingrained in our lives. So you see how much progress we can make so quickly. On the other hand, when I started this e-mail six years ago the World Trade Center was still standing and no planes were crashing five blocks from my brother and sister-in-law’s house. So you see how quickly things can go bad. So I guess what I’m saying is we take a few steps up and we get knocked a few steps back and then every Friday I sum it up in a bad Top Ten list.
When I was trying to figure out how to mark this anniversary, one thing I noticed is that from the first sentence back in 1995, this e-mail was grounded right in New York City. Local news filled a lot of space every week and even as the list grew and more people from other cities (or other countries) signed on, New York City was one of the main characters. If OJ or Clinton or Dole eventually wore out their welcome, New York and its players rarely did.
Since September 11, this city has changed in more ways than I can even understand, much less explain. So I thought it would be fun to take a look back at what New York used to be like in, well, I guess now they’re the old days. While reading through old Happy Fridays to find today’s material, I was surprised at how many jokes I wouldn’t dare try right now. I mean, I’d tell them but a lot of you would get really pissed at me. Keep that in mind while you’re reading and I think you’ll be surprised at how different things are today.
A warning, though, before we start. If September 11 made Rudy Giuliani your own private super hero, you might want to delete this e-mail right now and come back next week. Rudy was a favorite target of Happy Friday, and not everyone is gonna want to see that anymore. Also, if September 11 made George Pataki your own private super hero, not only do you want to delete this e-mail but you might also want to seek professional help. I mean, jeez, he’s George Pataki.
Okay, so New York has changed rather quickly but obviously I’m lagging behind.
Anyway, if you do choose to read this too-long-by-half e-mail, here’s an idea of what you can expect. You’ll see complaints about New York weather, New York sports, and New York subways. You’ll also see appearances by many major New York figures, some of whom haven’t been mentioned here in a long time. You’ll see some old intros and even one of the old opening rhymes. There are some Top Ten lists and one song. And tucked away in the middle of all this is one joke written a few years ago but never seen in Happy Friday until today. Think of it as one of those “bonus” tracks you get in a CD boxed set.
So open your minds, shut your mouths, and get ready to take a step back into Olde New York, late 90s style…
11/17/95
From the home office in Soho, where a dollar and a dream isn’t enough to buy you a subway token, it’s Tgreen wishing you a Happy Friday.
12/1/95
Tgreen’s Top Ten Signs That It’s Holiday Season in New York City:
10. Annoying homeless guy on street corner replaced by annoying Salvation Army guy.
9. Misspelled “Happy Hannukah” signs appear in store windows.
8. Smith Barney announces more layoffs.
7. Mayor Giuliani demands that he be referred to as “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Mayor”.
6. Greenwich Village-dwellers replace their body piercings with Christmas ornaments.
5. Sidewalk food vendors add eggnog and fruitcake to the menu.
4. Subway musicians serenade passengers with Kwanzaa carols.
3. Cab drivers shout “Happy Holidays” as they try to run you over.
2. O.J. takes advantage of sale at Bloomingdale’s to buy new gloves.
1. Old guys who like to sit children on their laps are hired, not arrested.
12/15/95
From the home office in Soho, where Jack Frost isn’t nipping at your nose, but Jack Pickpocket might be nipping at your wallet, it’s Happy Friday!
4/12/96
Tgreen’s Top Ten Signs That It’s Spring In New York:
10. George Steinbrenner fires somebody.
9. The homeless people start to bloom.
8. The Mets get mathematically eliminated from the playoffs.
7. Dawn goes back to wearing just one winter coat.
6. The Islanders go home to play golf.
5. Street vendors stop storing hot dogs in their pants to keep warm.
4. The Jets get mathematically eliminated from the playoffs.
3. The subways stop getting delayed by snow and start getting delayed by rain.
2. Mayor Giuliani starts spring cleaning on his comb-over.
1. Cab drivers give off a fresh, spring scent.
5/10/96
It’s Happy Friday time
I’m trying not to whine
About the Ranger’s game
Though they were pretty lame
But I won’t shed a tear
While Happy Friday’s here
I’ll keep that all inside
Until they lose Game 5
5/24/96
New York Mayor Rudy Giuliani proclaimed this Wednesday “Dwight Gooden Day.” Festivities included a special version of “Run, Hit and Slide” called “Drink, Smoke, and Snort.” Yankee owner George Steinbrenner celebrated by firing a ball boy.
6/14/96
It’s been a hot and wet week up here in New York City, but that really makes it sound a lot better than it actually was.
6/21/96
Tgreen’s Top Ten Signs of Summer In New York:
10. Mailmen stop blaming lousy service on snow and start blaming it on neighborhood dogs
9. The Mets get mathematically eliminated from the playoffs
8. Tgreen does another Top Ten list
7. New York City landlords finally fix their broken furnaces
6. Mayor Giuliani starts sporting the warm weather comb-over
5. Dawn stops wearing her parka
4. Rowdy fans riot during ticket sales for John Tesh’s summer tour
3. Sidewalk donut vendors start dropping ice cubes into yesterday’s coffee and charging an extra dollar for it
2. Late night TV addicts show their pride by wearing Blu-blocker sunglasses fresh from the infomercial
1. MTA starts “Name That Smell” contest in the subway system
6/28/96
Authorities in upstate New York caused a furor this week when they gathered up a flock of Canadian geese that was littering the town with droppings and made hamburgers out of them. Mayor Giuliani immediately scheduled a news conference for later today to announce his new plan to handle New York City’s problems with pigeons, rats, and squeegee men.
7/19/96
Speaking of Grand Central, the other day there was a bomb scare in the station, and a whole section of the waiting area was closed off. A square area about 50 feet on each side. Closed off with police tape. To protect people from a bomb. I guess what I’m getting at here is that either it must have been a very small bomb or that was some really strong police tape. Either way, I hope the New York Metro North Police aren’t in charge of the Olympic security.
7/29/96
I walked over to the new Virgin Megastore here in Manhattan this weekend, and that involved a little trip through Times Square. My, how things have changed. Instead of large advertisements for sex shows, there are big pictures of Andre Agassi and Wayne Gretzky advertising their All Star Cafe. I’m pretty sure when you go into the All Star Cafe and ask them to toss you a salad it’s quite different than in the old Times Square.
8/2/96
And finally, a new study shows that more and more New Yorkers are becoming hooked on gambling and the state has the most problem gamblers in the country. I bet they’re wrong about that.
8/9/96
In Sports, Darryl Strawberry hit three home runs in one game this week, prompting Yankee announcer Phil Rizutto to speak fondly about a particularly good cannoli he ate back in 1972.
8/16/96
In Sports, the New York Mets and the San Diego Padres play a historic series this weekend in Mexico. Met fans everywhere are hoping that the entire team defects to Mexico and never returns. In a related story, the Yankees were originally scheduled to play in Mexico, but team officials were afraid the return trip would take too long with Dwight and Darryl both having to go through that inspection at the border.
9/6/96
New York City Mayor Rudy Giuliani blasted the USTA for requiring planes to avoid flying over the US Open while matches were being played. Apparently the planes were disruptive because the fans saw them and realized that a plane ticket to almost anywhere was cheaper than the hot dog they just bought at the concession stand.
10/9/96
The Jets lost another game, huh? I think I can just incorporate that into my standard signature file for the rest of the season.
In honor of controversial ballplayer Roberto Alomar’s arrival in New York, disk jockeys from Z100 have been passing a jar around, asking Yankee fans to spit in it. They hope to present Alomar with the jar this afternoon. Hmmm, a jar filled with the spit of Yankee fans? You couldn’t get me to carry that around if you let me wear 2 of those “Outbreak” virus protection suits.
10/11/96
And finally, a 12-year-old New Jersey boy reached over the wall and snared a fly ball that was ruled a home run, allowing the Yankees to tie and eventually win Game 1 of the American League Championship Series. No 12-year-old boy has handled a ball this famous since Michael Jackson’s last sleepover party.
10/21/96
New York City Mayor Rudy Giuliani was hailed as a hero this weekend when he used his comb-over to prop up a bridge washed out during the Nor’easter, saving a busload of children.
11/15/96
And finally, the New York City Transit Authority, in an attempt to shorten the amount of time an average commuter spends in the subway, announced a new plan whereby all subways will only keep their doors open for 45 seconds at each stop before moving on. In addition, all muggings must be completed in under a minute and anyone who rubs a part of their body against a total stranger on a packed train must take no more than 20 seconds to do so.
12/6/96
Tgreen’s Top Ten Signs It’s Christmas Season In New York:
10. Bars start serving “Long Island Egg Nog”
9. Sightings of “Homeless Claus” on city streets
8. Times Square hookers start offering to “Roast Your Chestnuts”
7. Pickpockets still take your wallet, but they leave behind a candy cane
6. Subways sprayed with fresh pine scent
5. Al Roker does the weather wearing a white beard
4. Supermarkets start stocking “Fruitcake Helper”
3. City cops tell criminals to have a Holly Jolly night in jail
2. Parking lot owners stop overcharging for parking spaces and start overcharging for Christmas trees
1. Ceremonial lighting of Rudy Giuliani’s comb-over
12/13/96
New York City cops this week began giving out $50 tickets to anyone taking up more than one seat on the subway. This should provide a great incentive to watch what you eat at the office Christmas party lest your butt start to creep into the seat next to you and cost you $50. Because honestly, if you’re going to spend $50 on a piece of ass, you don’t want it to be your own.
12/20/96
It’s pretty cold out there in New York today. How cold is it? Well, it’s so cold that Mayor Giuliani had them put an extra layer of fiberglass insulation into his comb-over. It’s so cold that the temperature almost dipped to the number of games the Jets have won this season.
1/10/97
Hello everyone and welcome to another edition of Happy Friday. For those of you in other parts of the country, we did have a little snow on the ground yesterday here in New York. Fortunately, as part of Mayor Giuliani’s crackdown on “quality of life” problems, NYPD officers quickly evicted the snow from the street and forced it to spend the night in a shelter.
New York City Real Estate mogul Harry Helmsley died earlier this week, which is actually a small price to pay to finally get away from Leona.
1/17/97
The New York Rangers debuted their new third uniform this week, but they quickly discovered that their fans were still able to recognize them by their lousy play. Rangers GM announced that if the team continues to play poorly on home ice against bad teams, their next step would be to enter the Federal Witness Protection Program.
2/21/97
New York’s Senator Al D’Amato was in hot water this week when it was revealed that he transferred $1.9 million from a Republican campaign fund directly into the campaign of George Pataki during Pataki’s run for governor. Republicans aren’t mad that D’Amato transferred the money, they just feel that for $1.9 million he could have gotten them someone better than George Pataki.
Five Long Island housewives were busted this week for being part of an international drug ring. Apparently they hid the drugs in pouches sewn into New York Islander jackets, and airport officials were always too busy snickering at the Islanders silly logo to think about searching the women for drugs.
2/27/97
A gunman opened fire at the Empire State Building this weekend. Unfortunately, neither of the buildings owners, Donald Trump and Leona Helmsley, were there at the time.
3/14/97
New York City Police Commissioner Howard Safir was hospitalized for emergency double-bypass surgery last week. Mayor Giuliani immediately put a positive spin on things, claiming that under previous mayors Safir would have required triple or possibly even quadruple bypass surgery, so that’s just one more thing that’s gotten better since he was elected.
3/21/97
New York Governor George Pataki gave a speech in Ohio this week and earned $15,000, which is kind of funny because that’s about what the average New Yorker would be willing to pay if the Governor would just shut up.
3/28/97
I was pouring milk on my cereal the other day and whose picture did I see on the carton but the Rangers’ offense.
4/4/97
This week a Federal judge recommended that to end a decades-long dispute, New York and New Jersey should agree to split Ellis Island. New York, unfortunately, must still keep sole possession of Al D’Amato.
4/18/97
New York City officials announced plans to introduce into the city’s ecosystem several species that have been missing for many decades. Starting in May, chipmunks will be placed in Central Park; woodchucks will be placed in the Bronx; box turtles will be placed in Brooklyn; and nonpartisan, rational politicians will be placed in the city government.
New York Governor George Pataki alerted his Lt. Governor, Betsy McCaughey Ross, by letter that he would be dropping her from the ticket during his reelection campaign in 1998. State officials are not sure if the letter is really binding, however, since no one said, “D’Amato Says,” before it was sent.
5/2/97
I saw “Volcano” last weekend. Even filled with molten lava the LA subway stations looked nicer than my local 6 train stop.
5/9/97
New York City Mayor Rudy Giuliani appears in this week’s “Amazing Spider-Man” newspaper strip asking Spider-Man to help him defeat an undead creature from the past who is rampaging through the city causing serious damage to Giuliani’s reputation. We’ll find out this Sunday if Spidey is willing to help the Mayor, and if their combined forces will be enough to silence former Mayor Ed Koch’s criticism of Giuliani’s policies.
5/16/97
Tgreen’s Top Ten Reasons Godzilla Came To New York:
10. Hopes to catch Marla Maples Trump on the rebound
9. Heard about the Happy Friday party
8. Wants to stop “Live with Regis and Kathie Lee” once and for all
7. George Steinbrenner wanted a second Japanese pitcher
6. Looking to get back the ten bucks King Kong owes him
5. Can’t be the scariest monster ever until he takes on Leona Helmsley
4. Big craving for street-vendor hot dogs
3. Wants to renew his subscription to the New York Post
2. Needs to put some money into a 401(k) plan now or he’ll never have enough when he’s ready to retire
1. Hot date with the Statue of Liberty
5/30/97
Senator Al D’Amato nominated a blind judge to a federal judgeship in New York this week. Now he just needs judges who speak no evil and hear no evil and he can do whatever he wants.
6/13/97
The Walt Disney company is holding a huge Electrical Parade in honor of the world premiere of Hercules this weekend. The lineup of floats will travel down 42nd Street this weekend, and in honor of Disney’s new Times Square location, several new characters will premiere at the parade. Among them are the new Dwarves Gropey, Druggie, Horny and Rudy.
7/3/97
A recent survey showed that New York City is the number 1 city that people want to move to from other parts of the country. Surprisingly, most of them said the main reason they want to move here is to vote against Al Sharpton in this year’s Mayoral election.
8/8/97
Tgreen’s Top Ten Ways New York Celebrated Garth Brooks Day:
10. Spitoons on the subway
9. Police force replaced by rodeo clowns
8. Street vendors have special sale on Buffalo kabobs
7. Squeegee guys decked out in chaps and spurs
6. Detectives encouraged to hog-tie suspects
5. Yellow cabs replaced by hay rides
4. Subway announcements begin with “Y’all”
3. Cow tipping on Wall Street
2. Traffic signals changed to “Twostep,” “Don’t Twostep” signs
1. Mayor Giuliani sports special 10-gallon comb-over
9/12/97
The Reverend Al Sharpton forced a run-off election in this week’s primaries to see who will challenge Mayor Giuliani in this November’s elections. In related news, the Devil was seen buying a scarf and some warm mittens, just in case.
The Statue of Liberty was closed last Sunday due to strange odors caused by a sewage problem, which is odd because they sure don’t close New Jersey for essentially the same problem.
9/26/97
Tgreen’s Top Ten New York Autumn Activities:
10. Help corner hot dog vendor finish off June hot dog shipment
9. Practice “Wait ’til next year” chant with Giants fans
8. Paint taxicabs with festive jack o lantern designs
7. Help put leg warmers on the Statue of Liberty
6. Ride the Staten Island Ferry in a Pilgrim costume and then wander lower Manhattan asking where Plymouth Rock is
5. Forget about apple picking, do some pocket picking instead
4. Return those New York Mets World Series tickets
3. Run on down to McDonalds for some “Pumpkin McNuggets”
2. Go bobbing for subway tokens
1. Rake leaves from Mayor Giuliani’s comb-over
10/10/97
New York’s Mayor Giuliani paid off a bet with Cleveland’s mayor by sending him 10 pounds of striped bass from the East River. Ten pounds of fish from the East River?!? What was Cleveland going to send if the Indians lost, a 10-pound jar of cyanide?
Tgreen’s Top Ten Reasons For This Week’s Warm Weather In New York:
10. Steam from under George Steinbrenner’s collar got loose
9. Someone left the door open at my dad’s house and that does heat the whole neighborhood after all
8. Leftover hot air from the Giuliani/Messinger debate
7. Donald Trump’s deal with the Devil altered to include young blonde girlfriends and heatwave in October
6. Extra heat generated by bonfire of unnecessary Yankee World Series tickets
5. All corner hot dog vendors went in for annual water changing at the same time
4. Galactic forces thrown into chaos due to 4-2 record of New York Jets
3. Secret Transit Authority subway heater accidentally pointing the wrong way
2. Heat turned up so the Rolling Stones don’t catch a chill while performing here next week
1. Bill Gates’ Microsoft Autumn still has a couple of bugs in it
11/7/97
Tgreen’s Top Ten Ways Rudy Giuliani Celebrated His Reelection:
10. Painted comb-over red, white and blue
9. Had cops write loitering ticket for the Statue of Liberty
8. Gave George Steinbrenner a big, wet kiss
7. Stuck a few pins in his Ed Koch voodoo doll
6. Visited some important constituents backstage at Scores
5. Climbed to the top of the World Trade Center and mooned New Jersey
4. Left obscene message on David Dinkins’ answering machine
3. Ordered the police force to start wearing these snappy brown shirts he got on sale
2. Planned invasion of Poland
1. Promised that the trains would run on time
1/16/98
New York’s Mayor Rudy Giuliani announced this week that he wants to crack down on jaywalkers and will force pedestrians to only cross at intersections and only at green lights. After he accomplishes this, Giuliani said he will part the East River, send a swarm of locusts into New Jersey, and slay a giant with the jawbone of a Pataki.
1/23/98
Two New Yorkers set a world’s record for fastest trip through the entire subway system this week. They visited all 469 stations in 25 hours and 11 minutes, which is only about 3 hours longer than the average evening commute on the 2 train.
1/28/98
Chinese New Yorkers marked their New Year without their traditional fireworks due to a city fireworks ban. Critics complain that the fireworks law is not fair and point to a recent Rolling Stones concert where fireworks were used as an example. They say that the Chinese should also be allowed to use fireworks because their New Year has been celebrated for the last 4696 years, while the Rolling Stones have only been around for about half that long.
Two New York City subway cars collided on an elevated track this week derailing several cars and starting a fire. Fortunately, with the new Metrocard you get 11 derailments for the price of 10.
2/20/98
New York State Lt. Governor Betsy McCaughey Ross had a scare when her rented plane lost an engine, hit the ground and caught fire shortly after takeoff. In a statement, Governor Pataki said he had no idea how that wrench and those bolts got into his office.
In trying to calm us down, the police are saying that New York is fully prepared to deal with any kind of gas attack in the subways. I’d feel a lot more confident about that if they could just show us they can get rid of that funky smell the subway has every summer.
3/6/98
New York City Mayor Rudy Giuliani has written a childrens’ book about what kids can be when they grow up. Among the possibilities suggested by the mayor are: player on the New York Yankees, opera singer, cop, fireman, lord and master of all you survey to the point where you can have someone executed for jaywalking in front of City Hall…bwah-hah-hah-hah-hah! Oh, sorry, that last one came not from Giuliani’s childrens’ book but from his personal diary.
3/13/98
And finally, New York City mayor Rudy Giuliani appeared on stage at a press banquet dressed as the Beast from “Beauty and the Beast,” where he performed a version of “Be Our Guest” that went a little something like this:
It’s my hair
That I wear
Not some wig
That needs repair
I just grow it
From my right ear
And then comb it
Here to there
My hairdo
That I love
The small bit
Left up above
It will sit there
Where I comb it
With some Brylcreem
And a prayer
3/27/98
And finally, Mayor Giuliani has a new plan to give the best beat cops a $1,400 bonus. The Patrolman’s Benevolent Association has come out against the plan, saying that it will discriminate against cops doing other kinds of work. Coming out strongly in favor of the plan is Dunkin’ Donuts, for what a company spokesman said were “obvious reasons.”
Tgreen’s Top Ten Signs It’s Spring In New York:
10. Local weather forecasters ditch frowny snowflake graphic and start using smiley sun graphic
9. George Steinbrenner fires Old Man Winter
8. Hot dog vendors start wearing t-shirts and shorts…and hairnets for their arms and legs
7. Mallomar hoarding begins at local supermarkets
6. Storeowners put up signs proving there are lots of different ways to spell “matzo”
5. Scientists announce they still don’t know what the hell is in the center of the Cadbury Creme Egg
4. Tgreen does this same damn Top Ten List
3. Donald Trump explains to his latest girlfriend that the Easter Bunny isn’t real
2. New York Mets take the first of 162 shots at mediocrity
1. Mayor Giuliani dyes his combover a festive pastel color
4/17/98
Hello everyone and welcome to the end of a pretty weird week here in New York City. First off we had that 500-lb steel joint fall from the ceiling at Yankee Stadium, which when you think about it was probably the heaviest thing to fall at the Stadium since George Steinbrenner slipped in his luxury box.
4/28/98
Tgreen’s Top Ten Ways To Tell You’re Watching the Playoffs:
10. Pat Riley breaks out the lucky tube of Brylcreem
9. Refs look the other way for everything short of a stick forced through the esophagus
8. Daily appearance of Spike Lee during postgame highlights
7. ESPN announcers contractually required to utter the phrase “Lord Stanley” every 6 minutes
6. Last 30 seconds of the basketball game take 10 minutes to play instead of the usual 5
5. Sudden glut of post-game interviews with Esa Tikkanen
4. Knick players start practicing their post season excuses during timeouts
3. Martin Brodeur coughs up overtime goal
2. Color Commentator’s every story somehow mentions Michael Jordan
1. No more Islander games on TV
5/1/98
Tgreen’s Top Ten Other Things Rudy Giuliani Plans To Take Credit For:
10. Hiding vital national security secrets under his comb over
9. Keeping the Jets the hell out of New York
8. Having Danny Bonaduce on the radio here prevents other washed-up former TV stars like Todd Bridges or Jerry Mathers from getting their own shows
7. Unusually warm winter that kept subways extra-fragrant all year long
6. Al Roker hasn’t broken out of the Today show set and eaten innocent bystanders yet
5. Unexpected high draft pick for New York Rangers this year
4. Average citizens can walk right up to the City Hall steps and probably not get shot on sight
3. Miniskirts along Broadway
2. Donald Trump doesn’t own the whole town yet
1. Everyone in the city is no more than 10 blocks from Chinese take out at 3 AM
5/8/98
You know, I think Knicks fans all over the city were excited over the prospect of getting the “old Patrick Ewing” back for the playoffs until they realized that the “old Patrick Ewing” never actually won a championship either.
5/22/98
Yankee pitcher David Wells pitched a perfect game this week, and to honor him Mayor Giuliani gave Wells the key to the city. Wells proceeded to use the key to open up the city’s liquor cabinet.
12/4/98
New York’s Transit Authority announced this week that is has a $379 million surplus. This money is now expected to pay for 112 new subway cars, 173 new buses, and 800 new panhandlers.
12/11/98
Tgreen’s Top Ten Ways Christmas Would Be Different If Rudy Giuliani Was In Charge:
10. All elves had better be able to show proof of citizenship or they ain’t working this year
9. Frosty the Snowman constantly busted for loitering
8. No more looking under the Christmas tree for gifts — now you look under the Christmas combover
7. During the month of December, all crime scenes will be roped-off with garland instead of police tape
6. He knows when you’ve been sleeping, he knows when you’re awake, he knows when you’re turnstile jumping, he knows when you’re jaywalking, he knows when you’re littering, he knows when…oh, never mind
5. Manger scene will be locked behind concrete barriers for security purposes
4. New task force formed to break up mistletoe smuggling ring
3. Twelve days of Christmas now cut down to eight for budgetary reasons
2. New reindeer games facility to be built on West Side of Manhattan
1. “Decking the halls” now a quality of life violation
1/8/99
Can you believe this? People are saying that First Lady (at least for the time being) Hillary Clinton would be a great candidate for Pat Moynihan’s Senate seat when Moynihan retires in 2001. To qualify, Hillary would have to establish a New York address and I hear that she’s interested in doing so. Bill was also interested in moving to New York until he heard that we cleaned up Times Square.
2/5/99
And if you need another reason to love this place, New York is probably the only city where you can hear a news report about a bridge that’s collapsing that includes the quote, “…but it’s not too dangerous because only part of the bridge is falling into the river…” We just don’t scare easy here.
8/27/99
Tgreen’s Top Ten Unexpected Sights During Yesterday’s Storm:
10. Homeless people huddling near the subway tracks enjoying a heaping bowl of ‘Subway Platform Stew’
9. West Side hookers for once complaining about getting wet
8. Mayor Giuliani trying to float Yankee Stadium down to the West Side of Manhattan
7. Cab drivers stranded on FDR taking the chance to get their weekly baths in a little early
6. A visiting President Clinton offering to help by looking for the dyke and asking if he had to use his finger
5. Celine Dion singing that goddamn ‘My Heart Will Go On’ song as city bus sinks into giant pothole on 6th Ave
4. Soaked pedestrians huddling from the rain in the doorway of an electronics store despite the fact that every TV in the window was tuned in to ‘The View’
3. Hot dog vendors building a life-saving dam out of stale buns and knishes
2. Metro North commuters each being handed a paddle for the commute home
1. Long-time New Yorker Hillary Clinton using her carpetbag as a floatation device
10/1/99
So the encephalitis-bearing mosquitoes have moved from the city to Westchester and Connecticut? Fucking yuppie bugs.
10/29/99
Tgreen’s Top Ten Things To Watch For At The New York Yankees Ticker Tape Parade:
10. Mayor Giuliani taking yet another opportunity to fit his entire head up Steinbrenner’s ass
9. The snappy dish who climbed on my shoulders during the 1986 Mets parade still trying in vain to find me again
8. Darryl Strawberry looking to party like it’s 1999
7. Yogi Berra looking to party like it’s 1959
6. Lead float eluding Jets defense and scoring late fourth quarter TD
5. Derek Jeter receiving more marriage proposals than you’ve had dates
4. Lifelong Yankee fan Hillary Clinton accidentally referring to every black player as “Sammy Sosa”
3. Pete Rose betting on who gives the longest speech
2. Newspaper headline announcing that hell has frozen over (Sorry, that’s one of Tgreen’s Top Ten Things To Watch For At The New York Rangers Ticker Tape Parade)
1. Al Gore bragging on how he invented the Ticker Tape Parade
12/10/99
Did you see the latest news from the Fulton Fish Market? Apparently they’ve been selling fish caught in polluted New York waters to local restaurants. They would have gotten away with it too, if Jimmy Hoffa’s cufflink hadn’t turned up in someone’s Filet-O-Fish.
6/23/00
And speaking of turning things around a bit, a short while back Mayor Giuliani, in the span of like a week, announced he had prostate cancer, announced he had a girlfriend, announced he was getting a divorce, and announced he wasn’t running for the Senate after all. In fact, we soon learned that while he was married he’d actually had at least two affairs, which made me wonder if he really had prostate cancer or if, in fact, he’d simply worn the damn thing out.
9/15/00
Rats. Rats, rats, rats, rats, rats. Am I trying to sneak a subliminal message past you all? Nope. I’m just describing my morning commute on the subway.
9/22/00
You know, I watched another Rick Lazio speech this week and I really think he might be a good candidate once he goes through puberty.
10/20/00
Tgreen’s Top Ten Advantages To A Subway Series:
10. It really pisses off Ted Turner
9. Chinatown sweatshops get to add third shift to handle all the knockoff t-shirt manufacturing
8. Brooklyn Brewery offers special commemorative “bottle-throwing” 6-pack
7. Won’t have to turn on CNN’s Middle East coverage to see burning, flipped over cars and rioting in the streets — just look out your window
6. Duracell will break sales record on D batteries during Yankee home games
5. Long-time New Yorker Hillary Clinton won’t have to stray too far from home to enjoy some baseball
4. If you have a pulse, a baseball hat and an opinion, you can get interviewed on the local news!
3. No need for a 15-hour tape delay
2. At any given moment there’s a reason to show tape of the ball rolling through Buckner’s legs
1. First game, first inning, Mets up 1-0, Steinbrenner fires someone
11/8/00
And in bigger news, Hillary Clinton is the new junior Senator from New York State. I have to give Hillary credit. Most women, when they find out that their husbands are getting blowjobs on the side, get the TV, the car or even the house. Hillary got New York. That’s a hell of an accomplishment and she deserves congratulations.
It is funny that Rick Lazio barely got the word “concede” out of his mouth before Chuck Schumer jumped in front of the cameras to introduce Hillary. Somehow he managed not to trample any small children in his mad rush to get to the podium, but it wasn’t for lack of trying.
12/15/00
Ah, Christmas. Christmas in New York is a very special time. People come here from all over the world, looking to find the true spirit of Christmas. Well, I found it for them. Yes, I discovered the true spirit of Christmas about a week and a half ago when I noticed that some of Santa’s elves had visited Virgin Megastore and raised the price of every CD by a dollar from what they cost the week before. There’s the real spirit of Christmas, folks.
1/5/01
My favorite part of that display was when the mayor whipped out pictures he’d taken himself from a helicopter over the airport. It’s good to know that the mayor goes out on patrol in search of crimes. Now I know why he stopped the tours of the old subway station beneath City Hall. He’s turned it into his very own Batcave. Any night now we’ll see the Comb-over Signal in the sky.
1/19/01
Okay, so let me get this straight. Senator Hillary Clinton goes in for her first day of work representing New York State, and that very same morning New York City has an earthquake? What are we gonna get the first time she casts a vote, locusts?
It’s almost enough to make you miss Al D’Amato. Almost. I’d like to actually meet the locusts before I make a final decision.
2/2/01
I had a lot to do today, so I was going to ask my good buddy Kerry Collins to forward this e-mail for me, but then I realized the e-mail would probably get intercepted, so here I am.
Rudy Giuliani was also in the news this week after signing a $3 million contract to write two books. I’m gonna go out on a limb here and guess that neither one of them is a book on hair care.
5/4/01
In sports news, New York Jets owner Woody Johnson is allegedly considering moving the team to Los Angeles. Naturally, this idea is causing huge protests. In Los Angeles.
And there you have it, just a taste of Olde New York. I can remember those days like they were only 2 and a half months ago. Which they kind of were. I hope you enjoyed this look into the past, and if you didn’t I hope you aren’t pissed that I brought back some bad memories.
To put together this e-mail I compiled a 45 page document that included just about every New York-related joke I ever wrote in Happy Friday. Most of that document didn’t make the cut today (so if you were underwhelmed by this e-mail just keep in mind this was the best stuff and so it could’ve been much worse). While reading through all those old e-mails I was reminded of all the crap you folks have put up with over the last 6 years. Well, thanks for sticking around. As I seem to write every year, I’m not sure how much longer this e-mail will go on. I’m especially unsure these days, but I can promise that at least I’ll try to entertain you every week right here in this e-mail. The key word being “try”, so get off my back.
T “I’ve outlasted Bubba Clinton and Al D’Amato and Rudy Giuliani, so who’s next?” green
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All contents Copyright 2001, Tgreen
Next Wednesday we’ll have a little Thanksgiving humor, and you can probably start today by giving thanks that this e-mail is finally over.
“I’m going to New York City
I’ve never really been there, just like the way it sounds
I heard the girls are pretty
There must be something happening there it’s just too big a town”
s. earle
“The world won’t wait and I watched you shake
But honey, I don’t blame you
Hell, I still love you New York”
r. adams
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