While we sit in between the two party conventions this weekend, kind of like we’re in the eye of the shitstorm, I thought it would be fun (and lazy) to take a quick peek into the old Happy Friday Archives to see what the first appearance by our 2016 candidates looked like way back when. A couple of disclaimers. First, the old Happy Friday Archives are kind of a mess and I’m pretty sure I’m missing a lot of them from the first couple of years. And second, it looks like all the Hillary jokes at the beginning were more jokes about her husband and I lost interest in trying to find the first shot that wasn’t mostly at Bill. Perhaps some other day. And third, damn, I came out of the blocks running on the Trump hate, huh? With that in mind, fire up an episode of Friends, break out the Crystal Pepsi, grab a Chalupa and read these two jokes that are both shorter than this whole damn introduction:

From Happy Friday, May 31, 1996
First Lady Hillary Rodham Clinton shocked the nation this week when she told Time Magazine reporters that she and the President are considering adopting a child. Their plans may have hit a snag a few days later, though, when they visited several local adoption agencies and found that the majority of the infants up for adoption bore a remarkable resemblance to the President.

From Happy Thursday, February 17, 1997
A gunman opened fire at the Empire State Building this weekend. Unfortunately, neither of the building’s owners, Donald Trump and Leona Helmsley, were there at the time.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand, Happy Friday everybody! Any big news this week? Anything going on? Anything? Oh yeah, that’s right. This week the city of Cleveland hosted the 2016 Republican National Convention, or as it’s more commonly known, Scared & Angry Lives Matter.

Actually, with Trump running the show this week, this convention was less typical politics and more like the worst episode of The Apprentice. It’s tied for that honor with every other episode of The Apprentice. Though to be fair, any random episode of Celebrity Apprentice had more famous people than all 4 nights of this convention.

And that was an issue. The Republicans did have some problems with their guest list this week. Tim Tebow was invited to speak, but he turned them down. Tim Tebow, who played for the New York Jets, finally found a group too lame even for him.

Apparently Trump wanted Don King to speak but the Republicans said no. No one’s sure if he wanted King there to prove he actually does have a black friend, or to prove that there are worse haircuts out there than his.

The big story from the start of the convention was Melania Trump’s speech, which included passages borrowed from a speech given by First Lady Michelle Obama in 2008. After a couple of days of denials, a Trump speechwriter finally claimed responsibility for the plagiarized parts of the speech and offered to resign, but Trump rejected her offer. He also rejected resignations from Hillary Clinton, My Little Pony, the words “a”, “and” and “the”, and the English language itself, all of whom were blamed at one point or another for this nonsense by the Trump campaign.

After the flare-up over Melania Trump’s speech, Donald Trump Jr’s speech also came under fire for being plagiarized. However, in this case the Conservative writer who wrote the speech explained that he also wrote the article Trump Jr allegedly cribbed from, so there was no plagiarism involved. Now if only he hadn’t copied the speech’s themes from 1954.

And in honor of Melania Trump’s speech, I promise that this week’s Happy Friday will only be 7% plagiarized, because Chris Christie says that’s an appropriate amount. Though I only ever steal from my own stuff and Trump Jr’s speechwriter says that’s okay, so look out! There’s gotta be an OJ joke in this mess somewhere.

New Jersey governor Chris Christie used his speaking time at the RNC to roast Hillary Clinton over numerous offenses for which she has never been legally punished. Because if there’s anyone who knows anything about committing numerous offenses and not getting punished for them, it’s Chris Christie.

Christie also said that if elected, Donald Trump will immediately seek to purge the government of officials appointed by Barack Obama. That should take all of two seconds. It’s not like Congress ever let any of them get appointed in the first place.

Many photos of row upon row of empty seats at the convention have appeared online this week, but the situation is even worse than the pictures suggest, since the arena was even emptier before someone set it up as a Pokemon Go stadium.

And there were problems even when they found people to aim a camera at. I don’t want to say that some of the Republican politicians in attendance weren’t happy to be there, but I’ve seen more enthusiastic smiles in a hostage tape.

You know, I don’t think Rudy Giuliani yelled quite so much back when he still had the combover. Just saying.

During his acceptance speech, Trump talked about how he’s going to create jobs in this country, and he’s probably telling the truth about that. The man knows how to create jobs. I mean, he managed to get all his kids on the payroll and a couple of them don’t appear to be overly employable, if you know what I’m saying.

Actually, Trump isn’t even President yet and he’s already created a ton of new jobs. Every major media outlet in the country has been forced to triple its fact-checking department just to try to keep up with him.

I kid, of course. Everyone knows Trump is immune to fact checking like he got the vaccine for it. Really, he created all those jobs when Canada put a second and then a third shift on the construction of their border wall.

In his acceptance speech Trump also promised that at his convention, there would be no more lies. Then he wrapped things up five seconds later to give himself a fighting chance at keeping that promise.

Probably the worst thing to come out of this convention, besides the fact that we weren’t allowed to actually watch Chris Christie get the news that he wasn’t going to be the Vice President nominee, is the idea that Scott Baio has opinions about politics that rate interviews on legitimate news programs. Because he does not.

Though the sad thing is, Scott Baio actually lifted the fame level of the convention guests to a solid D+.

Senator Ted Cruz caused a big uproar when he chose not to endorse Donald Trump during his RNC speech. Instead, Cruz urged voters to vote with their consciences. Or, alternatively, to not vote at all until 2020, when maybe a dashing, youngish, Canadian-born candidate might catch their eye and rate a second look, maybe.

Chris Christie called Cruz’s decision pass on an endorsement “totally selfish,” and if there’s anyone who knows anything about being totally selfish, it’s Chris Christie.

Even worse than the snub from Cruz, the Trump campaign was dealt a huge setback when only 3 Horsemen of the Apocalypse endorsed the candidate.

Perhaps the most uncomfortable moment in the convention was when the representatives from WomenTrumpCheatedOnHisWivesWithsylvania were refused the chance to speak. This despite the fact that they had more delegates than, say, New Hampshire.

Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell got booed during his time on stage this week. Said McConnell, “If I wanted to get treated like this I could’ve just stayed at home.”

Wisconsin governor Scott Walker had an awkward moment on stage when he used part of his speaking time to say, “It’s just sad in America that we have such poor choices right now.” Oh, wait, sorry, that’s what he said before he got the invitation to speak at the convention.

When the state delegates announced their votes for Trump, Chris Christie allowed his son to announce for New Jersey. Which is appropriate, because if there’s anyone who knows anything about letting someone else do his job while he’s busy holding Trump’s jockstrap, it’s Chris Christie.

Newt Gingrich left Cleveland without being the worst thing about the convention. In a statement released after he left town, Gingrich explained that he was as surprised as you are by this turn of events, and he will just have to try harder next time.

The convention ended rather suddenly when, immediately after his acceptance speech, Donald Trump shook hands with car accident survivor Johnny Smith, who seemed visibly upset by the encounter and ran from the stage with an intense look in his eyes.

Not every speech in Cleveland was at the RNC. In a speech given outside the convention, Caitlyn Jenner said this week that it was harder for her to come out as a Republican than as transgender. In large part this was because it’s so hard to figure out which bathroom to use during an anti-LGBT rights rally.

While not at the convention or even in Cleveland, former New York governor George Pataki was also busy this week, announcing his four-point plan for building the perfect burrito bowl at Chipotle.

In media news, Fox News founder Roger Ailes resigned from the network this week in the wake of a sexual harassment suit filed by former correspondent Gretchen Carlson. While battling for his job over the past two weeks, Ailes expressed surprise at the problem, claiming that Bill O’Reilly never complained even once at any of the sexual advances, and actually claimed to enjoy them.

The theme to this week’s RNC was “Scare America Shitless Again,” because the GOP always goes with what works. But after a week of piling on the fear, in his acceptance speech, Donald Trump offered himself as the one man who could save us from such horrible ends. It took him a little over an hour, but he managed to list every threat he stands ready to defeat, as you’ll see when you take a look at…

Tgreen’s Top Ten Things Donald Trump Promised to Protect Us From:

10. Return of the Burger King from those old commercials

9. Creepy clowns in sewers

8. Man buns

7. Sharknados

6. Reboot of Star Trek: Voyager

5. Billy Ray Cyrus comeback tour

4. Any more pictures of him grabbing at Ivanka’s ass

3. Facts

2. Opportunities to discuss legitimate problems in anything longer than a shouted slogan that blames immigrants

1. Secretary of State Gary Busey (wait, sorry, that’s one of Tgreen’s Top Ten Things Trump’s Totally Gonna Try To Make Happen If He Gets Elected)

And that’s all we have time for this week. Until next time, stock up on orange spray tanner, build that wall, try not to let work ruin a perfectly good Friday, don’t waste too much time worrying if his $80 million payout is enough to get Roger Ailes through his golden years, win Powerball, stay out of the heat, try to figure out if Reince Priebus is a politician’s name or a rare Pokemon, go see that new Star Trek movie and stand up in the middle of it and shout “where the hell is Scotty?!?”, try and figure out how many times I’ve made that same “joke” in the last 20 years, don’t fuck with Leslie Jones on Twitter, bust out your DVDs of The Apprentice and wax nostalgic over the good old days, don’t lay a finger on Chris Christie’s Butterfinger, and, as always, have a Happy Friday!

T “wait a second, I have to watch another week of this shit? Goddammit” green

Today marks the official opening day for Star Wars: The Force Awakens, the 7th episode in the Star Wars saga. After the poor reception the prequel trilogy received, fans around the world have been understandably nervous about what to expect this time around. Reviews and early word of mouth are positive, but the only way to really know if the movie is any good is to go see it. I’ll be seeing it later today, but before I go I got to thinking about all the ways this movie could go wrong. I’m not one of those fans whose life will be ruined by a bad Star Wars movie, but still, I’m hoping that when the trailers are over and the John Williams music kicks in, I don’t see any of…

Tgreen’s Top Ten Ways They Can Screw Up Star Wars: The Force Awakens:

10. New cantina scene takes twice as long as necessary because everyone at the bar is too busy taking selfies to advance the plot

9. Princess Leia takes another crack at that English accent from the first Star Wars movie

8. Han Solo shows up riding an old fashioned motorcycle while blasting a Beastie Boys song (oh, wait, sorry, that’s one of Tgreen’s Top Ten Ways They Can Screw Up Star Trek Beyond)

7. Cameo appearance by Jar-Jar Binks’ annoying grandson Jar-Jar Urkel

6. Corporate synergy requires new Stormtrooper outfits to include Mickey Mouse ears

5. In an effort to hook today’s texting-addicted kids, the opening crawl includes emojis

4. Product placement deal ends with Apple logo plastered on new Death Star

3. Reveal Luke Skywalker has been hiding out with the ghosts of Bea Arthur and Harvey Korman’s characters from the Star Wars Holiday Special

2. New bad guy turns out to be two Ewoks in a black suit

1. Subplot has newly-empowered Emperor Palpatrump initiating a ban on all Jedi coming to Tatooine “just until we can be sure about them”

Until next time, go out and see Star Wars and halfway through stand up and yell, “Where the hell is Lando?!?”, get the large popcorn for a quarter more, please silence your cell phone, don’t fall asleep in those comfortable reclining chairs and, as always, May the Happy Friday be with you.

T “Top Ten Lists would be way easier if they only had 5 or 6 items” green

A new poll shows 36% of registered Republicans support Donald Trump, with Ted Cruz behind him at 16%. But both of them trail “he’s not really going to win this thing, is he?” by a wide margin. #happyfriday

  

It was twenty years ago today
Happy Friday taught you all to say,
“We don’t want to see those lame-ass lists.
“Their lack of humor leaves us really pissed.”
But on this anniversary
Here’s jokes you’ve read for years and years
Happy Friday’s Crappy Top Ten Lists

It’s Happy Friday’s Crappy Top Ten Lists
We know you won’t enjoy this show
It’s Happy Friday’s Crappy Top Ten Lists
The jokes you hated years ago
Happy Friday’s Crappy
Happy Friday’s Crappy
Happy Friday’s Crappy Top Ten Lists

It’s a surprise to be here
It’s certainly a shock
We thought we killed this damn thing off
You know you didn’t miss these jokes
You’d like to make them stop

I don’t really want to start this show
But I thought you might like to know
The writer’s giving jokes a spin
And he wants you to pretend to grin
So let me warn you all right now
The one and only Tgreen’s here
With Happy Friday’s Crappy Top Ten Lists

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand Happy Friday everybody! Yes, I know it’s technically Tuesday but since this is the actual anniversary of the first Happy Friday email, we’re just going to pretend that it’s Friday. Just like you used to pretend you laughed at all those Top Ten lists. The only difference now is you still have to go to work tomorrow. Shitty jokes and a Wednesday staring you in the face right after? No wonder I didn’t call this thing Happy Tuesday way back when.

This week actor Charlie Sheen revealed that he’s HIV positive. Doctors say there’s no way of knowing how Sheen got the disease because not only is he the first patient who was ever able to check off every possible way to get it on a lifestyle survey, he also added three other possibilities they’d never even heard of.

There was an embarrassing moment in the White House this week when President Obama’s Nobel Peace Prize fell off a shelf and accidentally launched 10 drone attacks in the Middle East.

This week the latest poll results have Ben Carson and Donald Trump leading in the GOP race for the 2016 election, which is a rare case where the story is actually its own punchline.

Former President Bill Clinton this week live-tweeted the second Democratic Presidential debate and showed his support for Hillary by using the hashtag #Imwithher, which is the first time he’s ever admitted to being with a woman without the involvement of a subpoena.

In response to the terrorist attacks in France, this week the United States announced new travel rules for Syrian refugees. From now on they’re only going to be allowed one explosive device and one automatic weapon in their carryon luggage.

In other Syria news, it was noted this week that Apple founder Steve Jobs’s father was a Syrian migrant, prompting Fox News to pull its app from the Apple App Store in protest.

This week aging mobster Vincent Asaro was acquitted of charges that he was involved in the 1978 Lufthansa heist. Jurors said Asaro couldn’t possibly have been guilty because his character never showed up in the movie Goodfellas.

In a biography released this week, former President George H. W. Bush said that his son’s advisors gave him some bad advice in the years after the 9/11 terrorist attacks. When asked to respond to the charges, former Vice President Dick Cheney said he had no hard feelings toward the former President and then offered to prove it by taking him on a special hunting trip.

In other Sith Lord news, Star Wars: The Force Awakens opens on December 18th. So if you think you may have some business to take care of on the Internet, you might want to take care of it on the 17th. Because after that the Internet is going to be used exclusively for complaining about Star Wars: The Force Awakens for the next 2.5 years.

And that’s enough News Roundup for this week.

Thanks to recent events I’ve seen a bomb-sniffing dog at my local train station. I can’t say whether he’s ever going to smell a bomb there, but I know for sure he’s never going to smell an on-time train in that station.

I’ll tell you, if the New England Patriots keep winning, everybody’s gonna want to put their hands on Tom Brady’s soft balls. Which is just how he likes it.

Last week I took my first Uber ride. My driver was a nice guy from Kenya named Benson. And I’ll admit it made me think about all the opportunities we have in this country. I mean, here was a guy born in the middle of Kenya who managed to pull himself up and move here and get a job he loves driving a car in San Antonio. Granted, it’s not as great a story as the guy born in the middle of Kenya who managed to pull himself up and move here and get a job he loves as the President of the United States, but it’s still pretty cool.

The previous paragraph was brought to you by Trump for President, 2016.

Us children of the 70s have an interesting month coming up. We’re going to have the opportunity to see a new Rocky movie with Sylvester Stallone playing Rocky, and then a new Star Wars movie with Harrison Ford, Mark Hammill and Carrie Fisher playing Han Solo, Luke Skywalker and Princess Leia. And then of course there’s the rumor that John Travolta was spotted getting fitted for a white suit.

And while we’re on the subject of Star Wars, the new movie, Star Wars: The Force Awakens takes place 30 years after the end of Return of the Jedi. This means that some of the new merchandise is quite different from what traditionally comes out for a Star Wars movie, as you’ll see when you take a look at…

Tgreen’s Top Ten Examples of Star Wars: The Force Awakens Merchandise:

10. Han Solo Blaster/AARP Card Combo Pack
9. Jabba the Hutt Slimming Undergarments
8. Large Print Movie Novelization
7. C3P0’s Twitter to English Translator, for Confused Grandparents Everywhere
6. The Chewbacca Hair Piece (formerly known as The Trump)
5. Princess Leia’s You’re My Only Hope Botox Cream
4. Imperial Walker
3. Jar-Jar Binks action figure (they really made at lot of these in 1999 so please just buy one already)
2. Lando Calrissian’s Cloud City Walking Shoes — So Comfortable You’ll Think You’re Walking on a Cloud
1. Luke Skywalker’s May the Force Be With You Male Enhancement Pills

And that’s all the time we have this week. I’m not entirely sure what the traditional present for the 20th Anniversary is, but I’m guessing it’s a crappy Top Ten List, right?

A brief historical note, if you’ll indulge me. The first Happy Friday did actually go out 20 years ago today in email format to a bunch of friends who’d just gotten email at work. Many of those people are still out there right now reading this, probably on a mobile device that no one could’ve predicted in 1995. I can only imagine it’s because they’re still waiting for me to write a good joke, in which case I might as well tell them I’ll see them all for Happy Friday’s 40th Anniversary, beamed directly to the brain implants we’ll all no doubt have by then.

If I counted up all the times I ended Happy Friday for good, never to return to it again, I’d get a higher number than George Pataki gets when he counts the people who’d vote for him in 2016, but despite that low bar it is a pretty high number. So thanks to those of you who do still show up whenever I find a few minutes to crank out one of these. And now Happy Friday is going to slip back into retirement for a bit. But Happy Friday will return on a regular-ish schedule next year to cover the 2016 Presidential Election. Sorry, there’s nothing I can do to stop that.

So until next time, stop encouraging Trump, celebrate your Thanksgiving with a Pizza Hut Triple Bypass, er, uh, Triple Treat box, stand up in the middle of that new Star Wars movie and shout “where the hell is Scotty?!?”, cower in fear as I decide whether I want to rerun all my old OJ Simpson jokes when that new OJ Simpson show comes on, go check IMDB to prove that I’m not lying about that OJ Simpson show, wonder if I made that reference just because Happy Friday doesn’t seem like Happy Friday without an OJ Simpson joke, realize that’s exactly why I did it, accept the fact that I’m using a very generous definition of the word “joke,” go to the store and buy Chris Christie a nice “sorry you won’t be President” card, ponder which is more presidential — Trump’s hair or the old Giuliani combover, be forgiving of the fact that this paragraph ran off the rails a lot of words ago and, as always, have a Happy Friday. Or Tuesday. Or whatever day you get around to reading this.

T “anyone know when that Poison Pen 30th anniversary is supposed to happen?” green

Lines formed in front of toy stores around the world this week in anticipation of Force Friday, a midnight event where a wave of new Star Wars merchandise, including the first toys associated with the upcoming The Force Awakens movie, went on sale. Star Wars parent company Disney expects to pull in billions of dollars in merchandise money for the new movie, and it was counting on a record-breaking turnout for the event. Mostly because Disney was fortunate enough to pick a night when none of the people standing on those midnight lines had a date, or anything better to do, really.

Tragedy was averted this week when a gunman who planned to kill dozens of people in a movie theater was thwarted by the fact that he chose a screening of the new Fantastic Four movie as his target and found there was no one there to shoot.

Hello, I’m Tgreen. Welcome to the end of the world.

You have no idea how long I’ve been waiting to write that.

Now, before we let things get too far out of hand, this end of the world is some end of the world allegedly predicted by the Mayans thousands of years ago and not the end of the world that’s predicted in the back of the bible. So, no horsemen of the Apocalypse and no fat lady singing, though I’m not sure if the fat lady singing is from the bible but for the purposes of this post we’ll pretend that she is. Because if the world really does end today, the last thing you’re gonna want to worry about is my lousy fact-checking skills.

That’s a pretty big if, though, isn’t it? If the world is gonna end. If the Mayans of all people figured it out all those years ago. The Mayans. When was the last time you even saw a Mayan? Exactly. If they weren’t able to predict their own demise, how am I supposed to believe they predicted the end of the world? But hey, if somehow it turns out the world ends on a Friday, might as well make it a Happy Friday. As the saying goes, the world will end not with a bang, but with a lame Top Ten list. Which brings us to…

Tgreen’s Top Ten Signs the World Was Going to End Before This Mayan Thing Happened:
10. The announcement of the new 24-hour According to Jim channel
9. Eight seconds left, 4th quarter, Jets up by 10 in the Super Bowl
8. You win Powerball
7. Tgreen’s boss says, “Why don’t you take a long lunch and head home early today?”
6. Rush Limbaugh says something eloquent and reasonable
5. Trump hooks up with a woman who loves him for who he is and not for his bank account
4. John Madden sex tape gets released on the Internet
3. Rudy Giuliani suggests that maybe, just maybe, he took that “America’s Mayor” thing a little too far
2. Video turns up proving beyond a shadow of a doubt that OJ never killed anybody
1. Tgreen adds new joke to Top Ten list

So as you can see, I was pretty confident that the end of the world was a long way off. Can you blame me?

I think it’s mighty suspicious that the world ends right after the Pope joins Twitter. Just imagine what might have happened if he’d made his Instagram feed public. I mean, besides all those Justin Bieber pictures we would’ve had to look at.

Speaking of Justin Bieber, ABC recently announced it’s creating a sitcom based on his life. I swear if they name this thing Leave it to Bieber I may never turn on a TV again just to avoid the possibility of ever seeing even a second of it.

But then, if I never turned on my TV again how would I know what happens next week on Two and a Half Men? Wait a second, I smell a win/win situation here.

Not that we’ll need to worry about the Justin Bieber sitcom if the Mayans were right. I’ve done a little research into them and I’m not sure what to make of what I’ve learned. See if you’ve got a better understanding of things once you check out…

Tgreen’s Top Ten Other Things the Mayans Predicted:
10. There are WMDs in Iraq
9. America is gonna fall in love with Jar-Jar Binks
8. Jermaine will be the breakout star of the Jackson 5
7. Microsoft Bob will change the world
6. You can spin off any character from Friends and have a hit on your hands; it’s like printing money
5. Can’t go wrong with Tebow backing up Sanchez
4. The 2012/2013 NHL season will be one for the ages
3. You’ll never get people to drop $300 or more on a phone
2. New Coke will definitely be better than plain old Coke…it’s got “New” right there in the name
1. If you claim up front that you’re “Fair and Balanced” you can say whatever crazy shit you want and you’ll find people who will believe you

Hmmm, wait a second there, they might have been right on that last one. So, 1 for 10. If that was their batting average they could play outfield for the Mets next season.

In other sports news, the NHL lockout continues with no end in sight, and all that really means is that the remaining .00001% of the sports-watching population that wasn’t already not watching hockey is now not watching hockey.

Hockey is kind of like the Ron Paul of sports. People are vaguely aware it exists; if they have any opinion of it at all they think it’s more than a little weird; they mostly ignore it; when they do pay attention to it, it’s because they’re waiting for the train wreck to start.

And in political news, the United States this year reelected the world’s first Kenyan-born socialist fascist divorced and possibly gay president. At least, that’s the fair and balanced view of things.

In other political news, former pseudo-Presidential candidate Donald Trump is still a delusional creep, only now he’s managed to distill his delusional creepiness down to 140-character bites.

And if anything is going to survive the end of the world, it will be Trump’s hair. Whatever it’s constructed from, it will no doubt just move on and colonize another world when this one ends.

Of course, the biggest political issue staring us in the face as the world ends is the fiscal cliff. Honestly, if there was ever a cliff I wanted to see the White House and Congress plunge over, it sure as hell wasn’t a fiscal one.

Just out of curiosity, if the country does plunge over this fiscal cliff, which side breaks out W’s old “Mission Accomplished” banner, the Republicans or the Democrats? I can’t always tell anymore.

Rejected Supreme Court nominee Robert Bork died this week, prompting every person under the age of 40 to say. “Who?”

Ha, as if anyone under 40 even heard the news. I doubt it got announced during the finale of The Voice.

Apparently Justice Clarence Thomas was so broken up after hearing the news that he was unable to even speak while the Court was in session. Oh, wait…

Anyone see that trailer for the new Superman movie, Man of Steel? If so, could you tell me why it looks like Superman’s costume is, uh, ribbed for her pleasure? Serious question.

And speaking of Superman, since the world is ending and all, do we have a plan in place to launch a baby into space so he can land on another planet and be Superman there? Hindsight being 20/20 and all, someone really should’ve asked that question during the presidential debates.

In other movie news, anyone see the trailer for the new Star Trek movie, Into Darkness? If so, could you tell me at what point in the movie Shatner’s gonna show up to tell us it’s all been a bad dream?

And speaking of bad dreams, you have to figure that if the world is still around on Saturday, anyone who believed in this whole Mayan thing is gonna wish the last few months were just a bad dream. I mean, if you’re convinced the world is gonna end, you might find yourself making choices you wouldn’t make otherwise. Which brings us to…

Tgreen’s Top Ten Ways to Face Down a World That Didn’t End on 12/21/12:
10. Tell your boss you were acting out a scene as the evil Captain Kirk and of course you didn’t mean any of that crap you said on your way out the door Thursday night
9. Wash the taste out of your mouth and run from that apartment before anyone else wakes up
8. Inquire about the possibility of a refund for that big bet you made on the Mets winning a World Series in the next 2 years
7. Inquire about the possibility of a refund for that big bet you made on the Mets winning a World Series in your lifetime
6. Start working on an excuse to get out of that New Year’s party at your in-laws house that you thought the Mayans were gonna save you from
5. Consider erasing all those episodes of Jersey Shore from your DVR (sorry, that’s one of Tgreen’s Top Ten Things You Should Do Whether or Not You Ever Thought the World Was Ending, Because Seriously)
4. Find something to distract you enough to get that damn REM song out of your head
3. Delete those pictures you took early Friday morning because technically they’re now evidence
2. Run out and buy all those Christmas presents you thought you wouldn’t need
1. See if you still have the receipt for those Nikes and that purple robe

And that’s all we have time for today. If, somehow, the Mayans were right, then I’m sorry this could be the last thing you ever read. Otherwise, I’ll see you back here sooner or later for more of the same, but different. Until then, deck some halls, jingle some bells, have a shot, watch some football, have another shot, watch some hockey…oh, wait, don’t get eyestrain from playing with your Nook too much, learn that poem, strike a pose, swing by the Waffle House and say hi to Elvis, don’t believe the hype, back away from that emergency cache of Twinkies, catch the wave, remember the Alamo, bet with your head, not over it, keep on rolling with the flow, stop touching that, run it up the flagpole to see if anyone salutes and, for maybe the last time ever, have a Happy Friday!

T “and I feel fine” green

Hello and welcome to the Happy Friday Thanksgiving Spectacular, where we define “Spectacular” as “the same jokes as always, but reordered in a special holiday fashion”. And by “special” we mean “barely at all different than any other time we’ve done this”. And by “this” we mean the “joke” we’re going for in this paragraph. And we put quote marks around the word joke because we are legally required to do so since that incident in The Poison Pen that time.

No idea why we’re using the word we, since everyone knows it’s just one guy writing all this. How sad would it be if an entire staff was required to come up with this crap? Sad indeed.

Fortunately, that’s not a mystery you need to ponder right now, and for that you can be thankful. Which is the point of today’s post. Being thankful. Because times have been tough lately, and so you may have reasons to doubt there’s anything to be thankful for right now. Maybe you got caught up in Superstorm Sandy (because it happened to New York, we can’t just call it a hurricane). Maybe you’re a huge Mitt Romney fan (really?!?). Maybe you were holding out hope to find one last Suzy-Q in the Hostess section of your supermarket (coincidentally, a wall of Suzy-Qs could hold back even the strongest flood). Or maybe you read the same article I read this morning that said scientists have discovered that fire tornadoes actually exist and are not just something that you might have expected Superman to fight in a 1967 issue of Action Comics.

I hear you. There’s plenty of reasons to pack it in tomorrow and either hold out for better in 2013 or start rooting for the Mayans the way you root for your favorite NHL team and maybe I could’ve picked a better example there but I’m too lazy to hit the delete key so I’m just going to keep typing and pretend I did not inadvertently just bring up another depressing fact for some of you. But no, we will not give in to any of that. And why? Because we here at Happy Friday Central have spent agonizing minutes coming up with reasons to be thankful this year.

And so tomorrow, as you sit down at the table across from your Uncle Herman with the crazy eye that’s always looking in two directions at once and your Aunt Doris with the snaggletooth and the “friend” she always goes on vacation with because Uncle Herman only leaves the house for major holidays and yard sales, and next to your cousin Shirley who you once dared to drink an entire gallon of milk and with whom you never, ever speak of that day again on one side and your brother Joe who’s had his face painted green for the Jets game for the last 3 weeks straight on the other side, and you try to figure out the odds that there will be any cranberry jelly or stuffing left by the time it’s your turn to fill your plate, just remember that this year, you can be thankful that…

…someone, somewhere is probably trying to figure out a way to cram a 4th NFL game into Thanksgiving Day.

…it’s past mid-November and the Islanders still have the same chance of winning the Stanley Cup this year as any other NHL team.

…the odds are pretty good that they’ve already made the worst Star Wars movie they’re ever gonna make.

…there’s no legal requirement for you to pay attention to anything Donald Trump has to say.

…they may have taken away the Twinkie, but the McRib could make a comeback any day now.

…Fox News is so mad at Mitt Romney right now it could be months before it remembers it’s supposed to be trashing Obama 24/7.

…you’ll never have to see that Shmuley Boteach campaign commercial ever again.

…Rex Ryan lost all that weight before the Jets play on Thanksgiving night so you probably won’t have to hear a 10-minute-long tribute to the turducken.

…autocorrect knows how to spell turducken.

…seriously, no matter how stupid a thing Trump says, you can ignore it or pretend it never happened or whatever and that’s okay.

…you work for good people who are always on the lookout for your best interests and treat you like an actual human being with your own thoughts and needs and plans. Or, more likely, you don’t but at least you know someone who does. Or, more likely, you don’t even know anyone who does but at least you enjoyed reading that sentence and pretending it’s true. Or, more likely, at least you’re drunk by noon every day.

…it could at least be possible the insurance adjuster might believe that the storm washed away your Lamborghini.

…autocorrect knows how to spell Lamborghini.

…thousands of smart people have spent millions of dollars over decades to create technology so powerful that you can now share a picture of a cat in a bow tie with people all over the world while you’re taking a dump.

…no, I don’t think you understand, Trump is totally ignorable. You don’t even have to try that hard.

…they still haven’t captured and jailed the Cream of Wheat Monster.

…our country can no longer send a man into space, but it can give you 16 different filters for your Instagram photos of space, or more likely of your roommate doing jello shots off of some girl’s ass.

…shows like Here Comes Honey Boo Boo are setting the bar of fame so low that even your stupid boring ass could be a TV star by 2017.

…Waffle House is open 24 hours.

…your office is not.

…you probably live near a state-of-the-art public transportation system that moves millions of people to and from thousands of destinations every day without a hitch (unless you live in the New York metropolitan area, in which case, no).

…no matter how shitty this list is, if you’re reading it at least that means you finally got your power back.

…even I eventually acknowledge I’m out of material, and then 5 or 6 “jokes” later like clockwork, I close it down.

So that’s all for this time. Enjoy the day off, don’t lose all your Christmas money on bad football bets, keep the cat out of the stuffing and the stuffing out of the cat, try to avoid a meltdown, at least finish your dinner before running out to one of the stores opening Thanksgiving night, don’t trample anyone while diving for a door buster at Walmart, learn that poem, keep your eyes skinned for small ice and growlers, please return your seats to an upright and locked position and, because there’s a giant plate of food planted right in front of you, have a Happy Thanksgiving!

T “I’m getting too old for this shit” green

I was thinking of maybe writing something for the 9/11 anniversary, but it didn’t take more than a couple of minutes to realize I don’t have much to say on that. But I still wanted to do something. So what I decided to do was to reprint the Happy Friday 6th Anniversary XXXtravaganza, which, as you’ll see, was a tribute to NYC from the days before the towers came down. Lots of this material was out of date in November, 2001, when I first compiled it. It’s practically ancient history now. Maybe this November I’ll try to slap together a sequel with the NYC-themed jokes I’ve written since then. But for now, I’ll leave you with a look back at some good old days filtered through some bad old days. Maybe after a day of 9/11 retrospectives, this could give you a laugh.

But only one, because these jokes aren’t very good. I mean seriously, just count the number of times I used the word “combover”. Who does that?

And on that note, let’s take an unedited trip back to November, 2001, when we really had no idea what was coming next…

Hard as it might be to believe, when I started this e-mail six years ago most of the people on that original list were just getting e-mail for the first time. Now e-mail is ingrained in our lives. So you see how much progress we can make so quickly. On the other hand, when I started this e-mail six years ago the World Trade Center was still standing and no planes were crashing five blocks from my brother and sister-in-law’s house. So you see how quickly things can go bad. So I guess what I’m saying is we take a few steps up and we get knocked a few steps back and then every Friday I sum it up in a bad Top Ten list.

When I was trying to figure out how to mark this anniversary, one thing I noticed is that from the first sentence back in 1995, this e-mail was grounded right in New York City. Local news filled a lot of space every week and even as the list grew and more people from other cities (or other countries) signed on, New York City was one of the main characters. If OJ or Clinton or Dole eventually wore out their welcome, New York and its players rarely did.

Since September 11, this city has changed in more ways than I can even understand, much less explain. So I thought it would be fun to take a look back at what New York used to be like in, well, I guess now they’re the old days. While reading through old Happy Fridays to find today’s material, I was surprised at how many jokes I wouldn’t dare try right now. I mean, I’d tell them but a lot of you would get really pissed at me. Keep that in mind while you’re reading and I think you’ll be surprised at how different things are today.

A warning, though, before we start. If September 11 made Rudy Giuliani your own private super hero, you might want to delete this e-mail right now and come back next week. Rudy was a favorite target of Happy Friday, and not everyone is gonna want to see that anymore. Also, if September 11 made George Pataki your own private super hero, not only do you want to delete this e-mail but you might also want to seek professional help. I mean, jeez, he’s George Pataki.

Okay, so New York has changed rather quickly but obviously I’m lagging behind.

Anyway, if you do choose to read this too-long-by-half e-mail, here’s an idea of what you can expect. You’ll see complaints about New York weather, New York sports, and New York subways. You’ll also see appearances by many major New York figures, some of whom haven’t been mentioned here in a long time. You’ll see some old intros and even one of the old opening rhymes. There are some Top Ten lists and one song. And tucked away in the middle of all this is one joke written a few years ago but never seen in Happy Friday until today. Think of it as one of those “bonus” tracks you get in a CD boxed set.

So open your minds, shut your mouths, and get ready to take a step back into Olde New York, late 90s style…

11/17/95
From the home office in Soho, where a dollar and a dream isn’t enough to buy you a subway token, it’s Tgreen wishing you a Happy Friday.

12/1/95
Tgreen’s Top Ten Signs That It’s Holiday Season in New York City:
10. Annoying homeless guy on street corner replaced by annoying Salvation Army guy.
9. Misspelled “Happy Hannukah” signs appear in store windows.
8. Smith Barney announces more layoffs.
7. Mayor Giuliani demands that he be referred to as “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Mayor”.
6. Greenwich Village-dwellers replace their body piercings with Christmas ornaments.
5. Sidewalk food vendors add eggnog and fruitcake to the menu.
4. Subway musicians serenade passengers with Kwanzaa carols.
3. Cab drivers shout “Happy Holidays” as they try to run you over.
2. O.J. takes advantage of sale at Bloomingdale’s to buy new gloves.
1. Old guys who like to sit children on their laps are hired, not arrested.

12/15/95
From the home office in Soho, where Jack Frost isn’t nipping at your nose, but Jack Pickpocket might be nipping at your wallet, it’s Happy Friday!

4/12/96
Tgreen’s Top Ten Signs That It’s Spring In New York:
10. George Steinbrenner fires somebody.
9. The homeless people start to bloom.
8. The Mets get mathematically eliminated from the playoffs.
7. Dawn goes back to wearing just one winter coat.
6. The Islanders go home to play golf.
5. Street vendors stop storing hot dogs in their pants to keep warm.
4. The Jets get mathematically eliminated from the playoffs.
3. The subways stop getting delayed by snow and start getting delayed by rain.
2. Mayor Giuliani starts spring cleaning on his comb-over.
1. Cab drivers give off a fresh, spring scent.

5/10/96
It’s Happy Friday time
I’m trying not to whine
About the Ranger’s game
Though they were pretty lame

But I won’t shed a tear
While Happy Friday’s here
I’ll keep that all inside
Until they lose Game 5

5/24/96
New York Mayor Rudy Giuliani proclaimed this Wednesday “Dwight Gooden Day.” Festivities included a special version of “Run, Hit and Slide” called “Drink, Smoke, and Snort.” Yankee owner George Steinbrenner celebrated by firing a ball boy.

6/14/96
It’s been a hot and wet week up here in New York City, but that really makes it sound a lot better than it actually was.

6/21/96
Tgreen’s Top Ten Signs of Summer In New York:
10. Mailmen stop blaming lousy service on snow and start blaming it on neighborhood dogs
9. The Mets get mathematically eliminated from the playoffs
8. Tgreen does another Top Ten list
7. New York City landlords finally fix their broken furnaces
6. Mayor Giuliani starts sporting the warm weather comb-over
5. Dawn stops wearing her parka
4. Rowdy fans riot during ticket sales for John Tesh’s summer tour
3. Sidewalk donut vendors start dropping ice cubes into yesterday’s coffee and charging an extra dollar for it
2. Late night TV addicts show their pride by wearing Blu-blocker sunglasses fresh from the infomercial
1. MTA starts “Name That Smell” contest in the subway system

6/28/96
Authorities in upstate New York caused a furor this week when they gathered up a flock of Canadian geese that was littering the town with droppings and made hamburgers out of them. Mayor Giuliani immediately scheduled a news conference for later today to announce his new plan to handle New York City’s problems with pigeons, rats, and squeegee men.

7/19/96
Speaking of Grand Central, the other day there was a bomb scare in the station, and a whole section of the waiting area was closed off. A square area about 50 feet on each side. Closed off with police tape. To protect people from a bomb. I guess what I’m getting at here is that either it must have been a very small bomb or that was some really strong police tape. Either way, I hope the New York Metro North Police aren’t in charge of the Olympic security.

7/29/96
I walked over to the new Virgin Megastore here in Manhattan this weekend, and that involved a little trip through Times Square. My, how things have changed. Instead of large advertisements for sex shows, there are big pictures of Andre Agassi and Wayne Gretzky advertising their All Star Cafe. I’m pretty sure when you go into the All Star Cafe and ask them to toss you a salad it’s quite different than in the old Times Square.

8/2/96
And finally, a new study shows that more and more New Yorkers are becoming hooked on gambling and the state has the most problem gamblers in the country. I bet they’re wrong about that.

8/9/96
In Sports, Darryl Strawberry hit three home runs in one game this week, prompting Yankee announcer Phil Rizutto to speak fondly about a particularly good cannoli he ate back in 1972.

8/16/96
In Sports, the New York Mets and the San Diego Padres play a historic series this weekend in Mexico. Met fans everywhere are hoping that the entire team defects to Mexico and never returns. In a related story, the Yankees were originally scheduled to play in Mexico, but team officials were afraid the return trip would take too long with Dwight and Darryl both having to go through that inspection at the border.

9/6/96
New York City Mayor Rudy Giuliani blasted the USTA for requiring planes to avoid flying over the US Open while matches were being played. Apparently the planes were disruptive because the fans saw them and realized that a plane ticket to almost anywhere was cheaper than the hot dog they just bought at the concession stand.

10/9/96
The Jets lost another game, huh? I think I can just incorporate that into my standard signature file for the rest of the season.

In honor of controversial ballplayer Roberto Alomar’s arrival in New York, disk jockeys from Z100 have been passing a jar around, asking Yankee fans to spit in it. They hope to present Alomar with the jar this afternoon. Hmmm, a jar filled with the spit of Yankee fans? You couldn’t get me to carry that around if you let me wear 2 of those “Outbreak” virus protection suits.

10/11/96
And finally, a 12-year-old New Jersey boy reached over the wall and snared a fly ball that was ruled a home run, allowing the Yankees to tie and eventually win Game 1 of the American League Championship Series. No 12-year-old boy has handled a ball this famous since Michael Jackson’s last sleepover party.

10/21/96
New York City Mayor Rudy Giuliani was hailed as a hero this weekend when he used his comb-over to prop up a bridge washed out during the Nor’easter, saving a busload of children.

11/15/96
And finally, the New York City Transit Authority, in an attempt to shorten the amount of time an average commuter spends in the subway, announced a new plan whereby all subways will only keep their doors open for 45 seconds at each stop before moving on. In addition, all muggings must be completed in under a minute and anyone who rubs a part of their body against a total stranger on a packed train must take no more than 20 seconds to do so.

12/6/96
Tgreen’s Top Ten Signs It’s Christmas Season In New York:
10. Bars start serving “Long Island Egg Nog”
9. Sightings of “Homeless Claus” on city streets
8. Times Square hookers start offering to “Roast Your Chestnuts”
7. Pickpockets still take your wallet, but they leave behind a candy cane
6. Subways sprayed with fresh pine scent
5. Al Roker does the weather wearing a white beard
4. Supermarkets start stocking “Fruitcake Helper”
3. City cops tell criminals to have a Holly Jolly night in jail
2. Parking lot owners stop overcharging for parking spaces and start overcharging for Christmas trees
1. Ceremonial lighting of Rudy Giuliani’s comb-over

12/13/96
New York City cops this week began giving out $50 tickets to anyone taking up more than one seat on the subway. This should provide a great incentive to watch what you eat at the office Christmas party lest your butt start to creep into the seat next to you and cost you $50. Because honestly, if you’re going to spend $50 on a piece of ass, you don’t want it to be your own.

12/20/96
It’s pretty cold out there in New York today. How cold is it? Well, it’s so cold that Mayor Giuliani had them put an extra layer of fiberglass insulation into his comb-over. It’s so cold that the temperature almost dipped to the number of games the Jets have won this season.

1/10/97
Hello everyone and welcome to another edition of Happy Friday. For those of you in other parts of the country, we did have a little snow on the ground yesterday here in New York. Fortunately, as part of Mayor Giuliani’s crackdown on “quality of life” problems, NYPD officers quickly evicted the snow from the street and forced it to spend the night in a shelter.

New York City Real Estate mogul Harry Helmsley died earlier this week, which is actually a small price to pay to finally get away from Leona.

1/17/97
The New York Rangers debuted their new third uniform this week, but they quickly discovered that their fans were still able to recognize them by their lousy play. Rangers GM announced that if the team continues to play poorly on home ice against bad teams, their next step would be to enter the Federal Witness Protection Program.

2/21/97
New York’s Senator Al D’Amato was in hot water this week when it was revealed that he transferred $1.9 million from a Republican campaign fund directly into the campaign of George Pataki during Pataki’s run for governor. Republicans aren’t mad that D’Amato transferred the money, they just feel that for $1.9 million he could have gotten them someone better than George Pataki.

Five Long Island housewives were busted this week for being part of an international drug ring. Apparently they hid the drugs in pouches sewn into New York Islander jackets, and airport officials were always too busy snickering at the Islanders silly logo to think about searching the women for drugs.

2/27/97
A gunman opened fire at the Empire State Building this weekend. Unfortunately, neither of the buildings owners, Donald Trump and Leona Helmsley, were there at the time.

3/14/97
New York City Police Commissioner Howard Safir was hospitalized for emergency double-bypass surgery last week. Mayor Giuliani immediately put a positive spin on things, claiming that under previous mayors Safir would have required triple or possibly even quadruple bypass surgery, so that’s just one more thing that’s gotten better since he was elected.

3/21/97
New York Governor George Pataki gave a speech in Ohio this week and earned $15,000, which is kind of funny because that’s about what the average New Yorker would be willing to pay if the Governor would just shut up.

3/28/97
I was pouring milk on my cereal the other day and whose picture did I see on the carton but the Rangers’ offense.

4/4/97
This week a Federal judge recommended that to end a decades-long dispute, New York and New Jersey should agree to split Ellis Island. New York, unfortunately, must still keep sole possession of Al D’Amato.

4/18/97
New York City officials announced plans to introduce into the city’s ecosystem several species that have been missing for many decades. Starting in May, chipmunks will be placed in Central Park; woodchucks will be placed in the Bronx; box turtles will be placed in Brooklyn; and nonpartisan, rational politicians will be placed in the city government.

New York Governor George Pataki alerted his Lt. Governor, Betsy McCaughey Ross, by letter that he would be dropping her from the ticket during his reelection campaign in 1998. State officials are not sure if the letter is really binding, however, since no one said, “D’Amato Says,” before it was sent.

5/2/97
I saw “Volcano” last weekend. Even filled with molten lava the LA subway stations looked nicer than my local 6 train stop.

5/9/97
New York City Mayor Rudy Giuliani appears in this week’s “Amazing Spider-Man” newspaper strip asking Spider-Man to help him defeat an undead creature from the past who is rampaging through the city causing serious damage to Giuliani’s reputation. We’ll find out this Sunday if Spidey is willing to help the Mayor, and if their combined forces will be enough to silence former Mayor Ed Koch’s criticism of Giuliani’s policies.

5/16/97
Tgreen’s Top Ten Reasons Godzilla Came To New York:
10. Hopes to catch Marla Maples Trump on the rebound
9. Heard about the Happy Friday party
8. Wants to stop “Live with Regis and Kathie Lee” once and for all
7. George Steinbrenner wanted a second Japanese pitcher
6. Looking to get back the ten bucks King Kong owes him
5. Can’t be the scariest monster ever until he takes on Leona Helmsley
4. Big craving for street-vendor hot dogs
3. Wants to renew his subscription to the New York Post
2. Needs to put some money into a 401(k) plan now or he’ll never have enough when he’s ready to retire
1. Hot date with the Statue of Liberty

5/30/97
Senator Al D’Amato nominated a blind judge to a federal judgeship in New York this week. Now he just needs judges who speak no evil and hear no evil and he can do whatever he wants.

6/13/97
The Walt Disney company is holding a huge Electrical Parade in honor of the world premiere of Hercules this weekend. The lineup of floats will travel down 42nd Street this weekend, and in honor of Disney’s new Times Square location, several new characters will premiere at the parade. Among them are the new Dwarves Gropey, Druggie, Horny and Rudy.

7/3/97
A recent survey showed that New York City is the number 1 city that people want to move to from other parts of the country. Surprisingly, most of them said the main reason they want to move here is to vote against Al Sharpton in this year’s Mayoral election.

8/8/97
Tgreen’s Top Ten Ways New York Celebrated Garth Brooks Day:
10. Spitoons on the subway
9. Police force replaced by rodeo clowns
8. Street vendors have special sale on Buffalo kabobs
7. Squeegee guys decked out in chaps and spurs
6. Detectives encouraged to hog-tie suspects
5. Yellow cabs replaced by hay rides
4. Subway announcements begin with “Y’all”
3. Cow tipping on Wall Street
2. Traffic signals changed to “Twostep,” “Don’t Twostep” signs
1. Mayor Giuliani sports special 10-gallon comb-over

9/12/97
The Reverend Al Sharpton forced a run-off election in this week’s primaries to see who will challenge Mayor Giuliani in this November’s elections. In related news, the Devil was seen buying a scarf and some warm mittens, just in case.

The Statue of Liberty was closed last Sunday due to strange odors caused by a sewage problem, which is odd because they sure don’t close New Jersey for essentially the same problem.

9/26/97
Tgreen’s Top Ten New York Autumn Activities:
10. Help corner hot dog vendor finish off June hot dog shipment
9. Practice “Wait ’til next year” chant with Giants fans
8. Paint taxicabs with festive jack o lantern designs
7. Help put leg warmers on the Statue of Liberty
6. Ride the Staten Island Ferry in a Pilgrim costume and then wander lower Manhattan asking where Plymouth Rock is
5. Forget about apple picking, do some pocket picking instead
4. Return those New York Mets World Series tickets
3. Run on down to McDonalds for some “Pumpkin McNuggets”
2. Go bobbing for subway tokens
1. Rake leaves from Mayor Giuliani’s comb-over

10/10/97
New York’s Mayor Giuliani paid off a bet with Cleveland’s mayor by sending him 10 pounds of striped bass from the East River. Ten pounds of fish from the East River?!? What was Cleveland going to send if the Indians lost, a 10-pound jar of cyanide?

Tgreen’s Top Ten Reasons For This Week’s Warm Weather In New York:
10. Steam from under George Steinbrenner’s collar got loose
9. Someone left the door open at my dad’s house and that does heat the whole neighborhood after all
8. Leftover hot air from the Giuliani/Messinger debate
7. Donald Trump’s deal with the Devil altered to include young blonde girlfriends and heatwave in October
6. Extra heat generated by bonfire of unnecessary Yankee World Series tickets
5. All corner hot dog vendors went in for annual water changing at the same time
4. Galactic forces thrown into chaos due to 4-2 record of New York Jets
3. Secret Transit Authority subway heater accidentally pointing the wrong way
2. Heat turned up so the Rolling Stones don’t catch a chill while performing here next week
1. Bill Gates’ Microsoft Autumn still has a couple of bugs in it

11/7/97
Tgreen’s Top Ten Ways Rudy Giuliani Celebrated His Reelection:
10. Painted comb-over red, white and blue
9. Had cops write loitering ticket for the Statue of Liberty
8. Gave George Steinbrenner a big, wet kiss
7. Stuck a few pins in his Ed Koch voodoo doll
6. Visited some important constituents backstage at Scores
5. Climbed to the top of the World Trade Center and mooned New Jersey
4. Left obscene message on David Dinkins’ answering machine
3. Ordered the police force to start wearing these snappy brown shirts he got on sale
2. Planned invasion of Poland
1. Promised that the trains would run on time

1/16/98
New York’s Mayor Rudy Giuliani announced this week that he wants to crack down on jaywalkers and will force pedestrians to only cross at intersections and only at green lights. After he accomplishes this, Giuliani said he will part the East River, send a swarm of locusts into New Jersey, and slay a giant with the jawbone of a Pataki.

1/23/98
Two New Yorkers set a world’s record for fastest trip through the entire subway system this week. They visited all 469 stations in 25 hours and 11 minutes, which is only about 3 hours longer than the average evening commute on the 2 train.

1/28/98
Chinese New Yorkers marked their New Year without their traditional fireworks due to a city fireworks ban. Critics complain that the fireworks law is not fair and point to a recent Rolling Stones concert where fireworks were used as an example. They say that the Chinese should also be allowed to use fireworks because their New Year has been celebrated for the last 4696 years, while the Rolling Stones have only been around for about half that long.

Two New York City subway cars collided on an elevated track this week derailing several cars and starting a fire. Fortunately, with the new Metrocard you get 11 derailments for the price of 10.

2/20/98
New York State Lt. Governor Betsy McCaughey Ross had a scare when her rented plane lost an engine, hit the ground and caught fire shortly after takeoff. In a statement, Governor Pataki said he had no idea how that wrench and those bolts got into his office.

In trying to calm us down, the police are saying that New York is fully prepared to deal with any kind of gas attack in the subways. I’d feel a lot more confident about that if they could just show us they can get rid of that funky smell the subway has every summer.

3/6/98
New York City Mayor Rudy Giuliani has written a childrens’ book about what kids can be when they grow up. Among the possibilities suggested by the mayor are: player on the New York Yankees, opera singer, cop, fireman, lord and master of all you survey to the point where you can have someone executed for jaywalking in front of City Hall…bwah-hah-hah-hah-hah! Oh, sorry, that last one came not from Giuliani’s childrens’ book but from his personal diary.

3/13/98
And finally, New York City mayor Rudy Giuliani appeared on stage at a press banquet dressed as the Beast from “Beauty and the Beast,” where he performed a version of “Be Our Guest” that went a little something like this:

It’s my hair
That I wear
Not some wig
That needs repair

I just grow it
From my right ear
And then comb it
Here to there

My hairdo
That I love
The small bit
Left up above

It will sit there
Where I comb it
With some Brylcreem
And a prayer

3/27/98
And finally, Mayor Giuliani has a new plan to give the best beat cops a $1,400 bonus. The Patrolman’s Benevolent Association has come out against the plan, saying that it will discriminate against cops doing other kinds of work. Coming out strongly in favor of the plan is Dunkin’ Donuts, for what a company spokesman said were “obvious reasons.”

Tgreen’s Top Ten Signs It’s Spring In New York:
10. Local weather forecasters ditch frowny snowflake graphic and start using smiley sun graphic
9. George Steinbrenner fires Old Man Winter
8. Hot dog vendors start wearing t-shirts and shorts…and hairnets for their arms and legs
7. Mallomar hoarding begins at local supermarkets
6. Storeowners put up signs proving there are lots of different ways to spell “matzo”
5. Scientists announce they still don’t know what the hell is in the center of the Cadbury Creme Egg
4. Tgreen does this same damn Top Ten List
3. Donald Trump explains to his latest girlfriend that the Easter Bunny isn’t real
2. New York Mets take the first of 162 shots at mediocrity
1. Mayor Giuliani dyes his combover a festive pastel color

4/17/98
Hello everyone and welcome to the end of a pretty weird week here in New York City. First off we had that 500-lb steel joint fall from the ceiling at Yankee Stadium, which when you think about it was probably the heaviest thing to fall at the Stadium since George Steinbrenner slipped in his luxury box.

4/28/98
Tgreen’s Top Ten Ways To Tell You’re Watching the Playoffs:
10. Pat Riley breaks out the lucky tube of Brylcreem
9. Refs look the other way for everything short of a stick forced through the esophagus
8. Daily appearance of Spike Lee during postgame highlights
7. ESPN announcers contractually required to utter the phrase “Lord Stanley” every 6 minutes
6. Last 30 seconds of the basketball game take 10 minutes to play instead of the usual 5
5. Sudden glut of post-game interviews with Esa Tikkanen
4. Knick players start practicing their post season excuses during timeouts
3. Martin Brodeur coughs up overtime goal
2. Color Commentator’s every story somehow mentions Michael Jordan
1. No more Islander games on TV

5/1/98
Tgreen’s Top Ten Other Things Rudy Giuliani Plans To Take Credit For:
10. Hiding vital national security secrets under his comb over
9. Keeping the Jets the hell out of New York
8. Having Danny Bonaduce on the radio here prevents other washed-up former TV stars like Todd Bridges or Jerry Mathers from getting their own shows
7. Unusually warm winter that kept subways extra-fragrant all year long
6. Al Roker hasn’t broken out of the Today show set and eaten innocent bystanders yet
5. Unexpected high draft pick for New York Rangers this year
4. Average citizens can walk right up to the City Hall steps and probably not get shot on sight
3. Miniskirts along Broadway
2. Donald Trump doesn’t own the whole town yet
1. Everyone in the city is no more than 10 blocks from Chinese take out at 3 AM

5/8/98
You know, I think Knicks fans all over the city were excited over the prospect of getting the “old Patrick Ewing” back for the playoffs until they realized that the “old Patrick Ewing” never actually won a championship either.

5/22/98
Yankee pitcher David Wells pitched a perfect game this week, and to honor him Mayor Giuliani gave Wells the key to the city. Wells proceeded to use the key to open up the city’s liquor cabinet.

12/4/98
New York’s Transit Authority announced this week that is has a $379 million surplus. This money is now expected to pay for 112 new subway cars, 173 new buses, and 800 new panhandlers.

12/11/98
Tgreen’s Top Ten Ways Christmas Would Be Different If Rudy Giuliani Was In Charge:
10. All elves had better be able to show proof of citizenship or they ain’t working this year
9. Frosty the Snowman constantly busted for loitering
8. No more looking under the Christmas tree for gifts — now you look under the Christmas combover
7. During the month of December, all crime scenes will be roped-off with garland instead of police tape
6. He knows when you’ve been sleeping, he knows when you’re awake, he knows when you’re turnstile jumping, he knows when you’re jaywalking, he knows when you’re littering, he knows when…oh, never mind
5. Manger scene will be locked behind concrete barriers for security purposes
4. New task force formed to break up mistletoe smuggling ring
3. Twelve days of Christmas now cut down to eight for budgetary reasons
2. New reindeer games facility to be built on West Side of Manhattan
1. “Decking the halls” now a quality of life violation

1/8/99
Can you believe this? People are saying that First Lady (at least for the time being) Hillary Clinton would be a great candidate for Pat Moynihan’s Senate seat when Moynihan retires in 2001. To qualify, Hillary would have to establish a New York address and I hear that she’s interested in doing so. Bill was also interested in moving to New York until he heard that we cleaned up Times Square.

2/5/99
And if you need another reason to love this place, New York is probably the only city where you can hear a news report about a bridge that’s collapsing that includes the quote, “…but it’s not too dangerous because only part of the bridge is falling into the river…” We just don’t scare easy here.

8/27/99
Tgreen’s Top Ten Unexpected Sights During Yesterday’s Storm:
10. Homeless people huddling near the subway tracks enjoying a heaping bowl of ‘Subway Platform Stew’
9. West Side hookers for once complaining about getting wet
8. Mayor Giuliani trying to float Yankee Stadium down to the West Side of Manhattan
7. Cab drivers stranded on FDR taking the chance to get their weekly baths in a little early
6. A visiting President Clinton offering to help by looking for the dyke and asking if he had to use his finger
5. Celine Dion singing that goddamn ‘My Heart Will Go On’ song as city bus sinks into giant pothole on 6th Ave
4. Soaked pedestrians huddling from the rain in the doorway of an electronics store despite the fact that every TV in the window was tuned in to ‘The View’
3. Hot dog vendors building a life-saving dam out of stale buns and knishes
2. Metro North commuters each being handed a paddle for the commute home
1. Long-time New Yorker Hillary Clinton using her carpetbag as a floatation device

10/1/99
So the encephalitis-bearing mosquitoes have moved from the city to Westchester and Connecticut? Fucking yuppie bugs.

10/29/99
Tgreen’s Top Ten Things To Watch For At The New York Yankees Ticker Tape Parade:
10. Mayor Giuliani taking yet another opportunity to fit his entire head up Steinbrenner’s ass
9. The snappy dish who climbed on my shoulders during the 1986 Mets parade still trying in vain to find me again
8. Darryl Strawberry looking to party like it’s 1999
7. Yogi Berra looking to party like it’s 1959
6. Lead float eluding Jets defense and scoring late fourth quarter TD
5. Derek Jeter receiving more marriage proposals than you’ve had dates
4. Lifelong Yankee fan Hillary Clinton accidentally referring to every black player as “Sammy Sosa”
3. Pete Rose betting on who gives the longest speech
2. Newspaper headline announcing that hell has frozen over (Sorry, that’s one of Tgreen’s Top Ten Things To Watch For At The New York Rangers Ticker Tape Parade)
1. Al Gore bragging on how he invented the Ticker Tape Parade

12/10/99
Did you see the latest news from the Fulton Fish Market? Apparently they’ve been selling fish caught in polluted New York waters to local restaurants. They would have gotten away with it too, if Jimmy Hoffa’s cufflink hadn’t turned up in someone’s Filet-O-Fish.

6/23/00
And speaking of turning things around a bit, a short while back Mayor Giuliani, in the span of like a week, announced he had prostate cancer, announced he had a girlfriend, announced he was getting a divorce, and announced he wasn’t running for the Senate after all. In fact, we soon learned that while he was married he’d actually had at least two affairs, which made me wonder if he really had prostate cancer or if, in fact, he’d simply worn the damn thing out.

9/15/00
Rats. Rats, rats, rats, rats, rats. Am I trying to sneak a subliminal message past you all? Nope. I’m just describing my morning commute on the subway.

9/22/00
You know, I watched another Rick Lazio speech this week and I really think he might be a good candidate once he goes through puberty.

10/20/00
Tgreen’s Top Ten Advantages To A Subway Series:
10. It really pisses off Ted Turner
9. Chinatown sweatshops get to add third shift to handle all the knockoff t-shirt manufacturing
8. Brooklyn Brewery offers special commemorative “bottle-throwing” 6-pack
7. Won’t have to turn on CNN’s Middle East coverage to see burning, flipped over cars and rioting in the streets — just look out your window
6. Duracell will break sales record on D batteries during Yankee home games
5. Long-time New Yorker Hillary Clinton won’t have to stray too far from home to enjoy some baseball
4. If you have a pulse, a baseball hat and an opinion, you can get interviewed on the local news!
3. No need for a 15-hour tape delay
2. At any given moment there’s a reason to show tape of the ball rolling through Buckner’s legs
1. First game, first inning, Mets up 1-0, Steinbrenner fires someone

11/8/00
And in bigger news, Hillary Clinton is the new junior Senator from New York State. I have to give Hillary credit. Most women, when they find out that their husbands are getting blowjobs on the side, get the TV, the car or even the house. Hillary got New York. That’s a hell of an accomplishment and she deserves congratulations.

It is funny that Rick Lazio barely got the word “concede” out of his mouth before Chuck Schumer jumped in front of the cameras to introduce Hillary. Somehow he managed not to trample any small children in his mad rush to get to the podium, but it wasn’t for lack of trying.

12/15/00
Ah, Christmas. Christmas in New York is a very special time. People come here from all over the world, looking to find the true spirit of Christmas. Well, I found it for them. Yes, I discovered the true spirit of Christmas about a week and a half ago when I noticed that some of Santa’s elves had visited Virgin Megastore and raised the price of every CD by a dollar from what they cost the week before. There’s the real spirit of Christmas, folks.

1/5/01
My favorite part of that display was when the mayor whipped out pictures he’d taken himself from a helicopter over the airport. It’s good to know that the mayor goes out on patrol in search of crimes. Now I know why he stopped the tours of the old subway station beneath City Hall. He’s turned it into his very own Batcave. Any night now we’ll see the Comb-over Signal in the sky.

1/19/01
Okay, so let me get this straight. Senator Hillary Clinton goes in for her first day of work representing New York State, and that very same morning New York City has an earthquake? What are we gonna get the first time she casts a vote, locusts?

It’s almost enough to make you miss Al D’Amato. Almost. I’d like to actually meet the locusts before I make a final decision.

2/2/01
I had a lot to do today, so I was going to ask my good buddy Kerry Collins to forward this e-mail for me, but then I realized the e-mail would probably get intercepted, so here I am.

Rudy Giuliani was also in the news this week after signing a $3 million contract to write two books. I’m gonna go out on a limb here and guess that neither one of them is a book on hair care.

5/4/01
In sports news, New York Jets owner Woody Johnson is allegedly considering moving the team to Los Angeles. Naturally, this idea is causing huge protests. In Los Angeles.

And there you have it, just a taste of Olde New York. I can remember those days like they were only 2 and a half months ago. Which they kind of were. I hope you enjoyed this look into the past, and if you didn’t I hope you aren’t pissed that I brought back some bad memories.

To put together this e-mail I compiled a 45 page document that included just about every New York-related joke I ever wrote in Happy Friday. Most of that document didn’t make the cut today (so if you were underwhelmed by this e-mail just keep in mind this was the best stuff and so it could’ve been much worse). While reading through all those old e-mails I was reminded of all the crap you folks have put up with over the last 6 years. Well, thanks for sticking around. As I seem to write every year, I’m not sure how much longer this e-mail will go on. I’m especially unsure these days, but I can promise that at least I’ll try to entertain you every week right here in this e-mail. The key word being “try”, so get off my back.

T “I’ve outlasted Bubba Clinton and Al D’Amato and Rudy Giuliani, so who’s next?” green
——————————————————————————-
All contents Copyright 2001, Tgreen
Next Wednesday we’ll have a little Thanksgiving humor, and you can probably start today by giving thanks that this e-mail is finally over.

“I’m going to New York City
I’ve never really been there, just like the way it sounds
I heard the girls are pretty
There must be something happening there it’s just too big a town”
s. earle

“The world won’t wait and I watched you shake
But honey, I don’t blame you
Hell, I still love you New York”
r. adams