I’m Tgreen and this is Happy Friday, the weekly blog post that will only accept the results of this year’s election if Bill & Opus win and therefore is already prepared to be disappointed.

This week the American Psychological Association found that more than half of Americans identify the presidential election as a source of stress in their lives. The common denominator among those who don’t? The last name “Trump.”

The value of the peso rose to its highest level in nearly a month this week, which should make it that much easier for Mexico to pay for the wall.

An Australian inventor developed a device to convert old potatoes into a sustainable substitute for cheese. Next up, a device to convert Kraft Singles into a sustainable substitute for cheese.

A hospital in Utah recently billed a woman $39.95 for holding her own baby. Which sounds outrageous, but really it works out to only about 8 bucks per sister wife.

This week a driver in Newfoundland hit a moose while he was looking across the highway at the wreckage from a vehicle that had hit a moose. Or as this is known in Newfoundland, Tuesday.

A 24-year-old Florida woman asked her father to drive her to a job interview at a bank, which she then robbed. Her father said he should have been suspicious when he saw her resume was actually just a deposit slip with “This is a stickup” scrawled on the back.

This week Madonna offered oral sex to Hillary Clinton voters at an Amy Schumer concert, prompting a 3-point rise in the polls for Donald Trump.

But the good news is this almost ensures that Bill will vote for Hillary now.

Malaysia demanded this week that the Auntie Annie pretzel chain change the name of its Pretzel Dog because it doesn’t contain real dog. “Not so fast, Malaysia,” said an Auntie Annie spokesperson.

This week Met Life announced that after 31 years it was dropping Snoopy and the Peanuts gang as corporate mascots. Really, the writing’s been on the wall since they announced their new CEO was the Red Baron.

Donald Trump’s jokes about Hillary Clinton got him booed at a charity dinner this week. Trump denied the audience was booing him and instead suggested they were booing his ally Chris Christie for going back for thirds before most people had even finished their salad.

The US Postal Service has launched an investigation after a woman in Georgia says she filmed a postal employee dumping undelivered mail in the woods. And that must be the reason why you haven’t gotten a birthday card from me in the last 20 years.

This week the Guinness Book of World Records declared that a 2,970-foot long ice cream sundae in Michigan this summer was the longest ice cream dessert ever. The group that made the sundae was also awarded a second record for the longest argument over whether they’re called “sprinkles” or “jimmies.”

So after his performance in all three debates this year, plus his shrinking poll numbers, a lot of media outlets are saying Trump’s got basically no shot at winning the election. This could not be further from the truth, as you’ll see when you read…

Tgreen’s Top Ten Ways Trump Can Lock In A Win:

10. Reveal he’s secretly Iron Man

9. Get Wikileaks to release email correspondence between Hillary and that Nigerian prince

8. Yank wig off his head and announce vigorous anti-Superman campaign

7. Force Fox News to replace every other person who appears on camera with Sean Hannity

6. Divert Bill Clinton’s car past the nearest trailer park and record the results

5. Guarantee he will appoint Chris Christie to the post of Ambassador to McDonalds

4. Promise that his plan to get rid of all the bad hombres does not include getting rid of the Frito Bandito

3. Swap out Pence for Putin in the VP slot

2. Reveal he’s secretly Batman

1.Release spoilers for the next 3 Star Wars movies

And that’s all we have time for this week. Until next time, stay out of Wilmington, endorse this message, keep away from the shallow end, stop after the second margarita, enjoy your parfait, never reveal how many Boy George lyrics you actually know, reboot, reboot again, don’t be a puppet and, as always, have a Happy Friday!

I’m Tgreen and this is Happy Friday, the weekly post that’s starting to wonder if maybe somehow this whole election thing has gone just a little bit off the rails.

The first sign of this came an hour and a half before the second Presidential Debate, when Republican candidate Donald Trump held a surprise Facebook panel with women who have accused former President Bill Clinton of sexual misconduct. And grabbed each one of them by the pussy.

This week Samsung suspended production of the Galaxy Note 7 after reports that replacement models for phones that had caught on fire also were catching on fire. But in Samsung’s defense, the replacement fires were smaller than the original fires, so at least they were making progress.

In a related story, Samsung announced its new product line, the Samsung Galaxy Hand Warmer, coming to a store near you this holiday season.

RNC Chairman Reince Priebus this week held an emergency call to declare that the party remains firmly behind Donald Trump. No word on if it’s behind him in a normal way, or the super-creepy way he stood behind Hillary Clinton at this week’s debate.

A new study shows that working over 25 hours per week after age 40 can lead to a decline in cognition. And apparently an increase in desire to write shitty Top Ten Lists.

This week Billy Bush was fired from the Today Show because of his appearance in Donald Trump’s “grab them by the pussy” video, thus inadvertently proving that the standards for hosting the 3rd hour of a network morning show are higher than for being the GOP nominee.

This week Donald Trump told his supporters to be sure to go out and vote on November 28. Which suggests he’s given up on being President and is now aiming to win this season of Dancing With the Stars.

The date mixup is all the proof you need that Trump’s not a career politician. The phrase is supposed to be “vote early and often,” not “vote 20 days too late.” Amateur.

Hillary’s from Chicago. I can guarantee you she knows all about how that works.

Oscar Mayer announced this week that it’s recalling some Lunchables due to allergen concerns. In a statement, Oscar Mayer said that anyone with food allergies would be completely safe, though, for “obvious reasons.”

This week Bill and Hillary Clinton celebrated 15 happy years of marriage on the occasion of their 41st wedding anniversary.

This week’s debate was the first to ever appear on Iranian television. As advertisements for democracy go, it probably didn’t make the sale.

Excerpts from some of Hillary Clinton’s speeches to Wall Street execs were released by Wikileaks this week. Among them was a comment that politicians need to have “both a public and a private position.” She claimed that this was merely a comment on Steven Spielberg’s Lincoln. No word yet on what she meant when she said, “It is with great reluctance that I have agreed to this calling. I love democracy. I love the Republic. Once this crisis has abated, I will lay down the powers you have given me.”

Wow, after almost 21 years, a joke so nerdy even I wouldn’t have gotten it if I hadn’t written it.

Russian President Vladimir Putin turned 64 this week and was given 450 birthday roses from his Parliament. And 300 new Hillary Clinton emails from Wikileaks.

This week singer/songwriter Bob Dylan won the Nobel Prize in Literature. Which is cool and all, but it’s not nearly as prestigious as Jon Bon Jovi’s Nobel Prize in Getting Played A Lot On NJ Radio.

At a speech in Florida this week Donald Trump told supporters he was an “existential threat” to the political establishment. The rally was then halted for an hour as Trump struggled to find a term for “existential” that his supporters could understand.

This week Starbucks introduced a new drink that’s a mix of beer and espresso. Toss on in a cigarette and you could call this drink “Tgreen about five hours into any wedding in the early-to-mid–90s.”

And finally, this week Hillary Clinton was forced to answer under oath 25 questions about her private email system. She responded “do not recall” 20 times. It’s even worse than it sounds, though, because by question 23 she said that she no longer recalled questions 1 through 4.

Moral Question Department:

Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump are trapped in a burning building. You only have time to save one of them. Do you go to the movies or go home to watch Netflix?

A lot of people in the Northeast woke up this week to temperatures in the low 40s, which is as sure a sign as any that we’re not in summer anymore, Toto.

But some people need more than one sign, which is what I’m here for, as you’ll see when you take a look at…

Tgreen’s Top Ten Signs That Summer Is Over:

10. When you go outside in shorts your legs are red from frostbite and not from sunburn

9. Burgers on the grill need to be examined closely for falling leaves

8. Slowly-decaying orange thing might be pumpkin and not Trump’s chance for getting elected

7. Loud neighbor stops annoying you with fantasy baseball talk and starts annoying you with fantasy football talk

6. Sports Illustrated includes hockey story somewhere around page 46

5. NJTransit issues last heat-related delay announcement of the year

4. Back-to-school commercials suddenly replaced by Halloween commercials

3. Favorite new show cancelled after three episodes

2. Start to see trailers for movies that don’t feature superheroes or star people you only know from Comedy Central

1. Landlord stops lying to you about why the A/C doesn’t work, starts lying to you about why the heat doesn’t work

And that’s all we have time for this week. Until next time, buy your Doctor Strange tickets, root for Tony Romo’s speedy recovery so the Cowboys can suck again, watch some hockey, get ready for that third debate, be Presidential and grab someone by the pussy, run out and cut left, stay up all night thinking about 5 ways these campaigns could get even worse, be nice to your autocorrect, give it a rest, be kind, rewind and, as always, have a Happy Friday!

T “runner-up for the Nobel Prize in Happy Friday” green

I’m Tgreen and this is Happy Friday, your weekly sign that you can stop holding out hope that things are gonna get better before the weekend. Because they’re not.

This week it was revealed that Yahoo scanned emails in cooperation with US intelligence officials. I sure hope they scanned mine, because it would mean at least one person read all the spam that gets sent there.

Facebook Marketplace, a new section of the app that allows users to buy and sell items, got off to a rocky start this week when Facebook was forced to apologize after illegal drugs, guns, sexual services and baby hedgehogs were listed for sale. And that was all just in the first posting.

Scientists declared this week that humanity’s impact on the earth is now so profound that a new geological epoch needs to be named. And so now we live in the Anthropocene Era. It’s just like Jurassic Park, but with less T-Rex and more Trump.

According to a new study, the ceiling to how old human beings can live is 115 years. “Amateurs,” said Larry King.

And in a related story, this week The Rolling Stones announced they’ll be releasing their new album, Blue and Lonesome, on December 2.

This week scientists announced that the first baby conceived by a controversial new “3 parent” technique was born. Apparently this 3 parent conception is very different from, but no less controversial than, the 3 parent conception method first developed at 1970s swinger parties.

This week SpaceX CEO Elon Musk announced plans to have people going to Mars in the next 40–100 years. Or not nearly soon enough, in the case of some people.

Researchers in North Carolina concluded that men are more likely to believe in God after having sex. Which makes sense, since for a lot of men the existence of a kind and merciful God is the only believable reason they ever got to have sex in the first place.

This week the 2016 Vice Presidential debate was held in FarmVille, Virginia. Because apparently SimCity was already booked.

Republican Presidential nominee Donald Trump was roundly criticized for not preparing enough for his own debate, but he really dropped the ball this time. He was so unprepared for the VP debate he went on a 10-minute Twitter rant about Mike Pence before someone explained that Pence was his guy.

The GOP caused an awkward moment when it posted articles claiming victory at the debate before the debate had even started. And in related news, the New York Jets just posted an article about how they just won Super Bowl LI.

Hurricane Matthew hit Florida this week, causing Walt Disney World to close for only the 4th time in its 45-year history. But the good news is the wait time to ride Space Mountain is now down to only 90 minutes.

If Florida wants to get rid of Hurricane Matthew quickly, all they have to do is show it some Marco Rubio campaign commercials. That was more than enough to get me moving.

A Pennsylvania man was given 30 days to catch a wild rooster on his property before being penalized by his city. But on the plus side, if he catches the rooster not only does he avoid the penalty, but he’ll be ready for his rematch with Apollo Creed.

A 68-year-old Florida millionaire discovered this week that his 24-year-old wife was actually his biological granddaughter. He said that despite this incident, he still promises to make America great again if elected.

The New York Mets have assigned former NFL quarterback Tim Tebow to the same Arizona Fall League team that Michael Jordan once played on. And we all remember how well Michael Jordan’s baseball career went.

The MLB playoffs started this week, with many experts picking the Chicago Cubs to win their first World Series since 1908. The very idea of the Cubs winning it all has rarely seemed possible in the modern era, so if it does actually happen, it may open the door to some other things you never thought you’d see. As you’ll find out when you take a look at…

Tgreen’s Top Ten Other Impossible Things a Cubs World Series Victory Could Usher In:

10. First Lady named Melania

9. BJ and the Bear Deluxe Blu-ray set

8. New issue of the Poison Pen (still working on it, I promise)

7. Spinoff Star Wars movie featuring a Jar Jar/Ewoks team up

6. Super Bowl Champion New York Jets (sorry, that’s one of Tgreen’s Top Ten Things You’ll Only Ever See Again In A Science Fiction Movie)

5. President Rubio

4. New Jello pudding commercials starring Bill Cosby

3. NJTransit trains that run on schedule more than 1 day in a row

2. Top Ten lists with 10 decent items

1. Supreme Court Justice Bill Clinton

And that’s all we have time for this week. Tune in next time for the funniest jokes you’re ever gonna find on the internet. I’m not sure where to tune in for that, since obviously you won’t find them here, but you’ve got a week to get Google working for you. Until then, steer clear of the hurricane, heckle this weekend’s debate, beware the creepy clown who’s standing on your lawn right now peeking through your window to watch you read this, buy your federally-mandated amount of memorabilia for the upcoming Star Wars movie, find some less racist ways to make America great, place your bets on which new TV show will be cancelled first and, as always, have a Happy Friday!

T “it’s a small world after all” green

March 10, 2006

This week a political grudge match was avoided when Dubai announced it would not be taking over control of several US ports and would instead be turing that authority over to an American “entity.” That entity? Halliburton. Who says nice guys have to finish last?

Okay, it’s not really Halliburton that’s getting the ports contract. But they could if they wanted to, now that we all know one of Dick Cheney’s negotiating tactics.

After Dubai’s announcement, President Bush expressed his disappointment in the deal’s failure. I think. Who can understand him?

The biggest loser in the whole ports fiasco? Is it President Bush? Sure, I could see how you’d think that, seeing as how his approval rating is plunging toward the margin of error and all that, but he’s not the biggest loser in all this. The biggest loser is the first opponent to the deal – New York Senator Chuck Schumer, because the deal got cancelled just as he was building up a big head of steam on camera. There goes his reality show deal.

Another big loser in all this? Hillary Clinton, because while she was slamming the deal on TV, husband Bill Clinton was apparently advising Dubai behind the scenes. Which is very similar to how the Clinton’s have operated in the past, with one not knowing what the other was doing. The only difference is that in the past, it was usually Bill doing the slamming.

In other news, NASA said this week that it’s discovered evidence of the existence of a geyser larger than Yellowstone’s Old Faithful on Enceladus, one of Saturn’s moons. The existence of a geyser opens the possibility of life in the solar system, because once you find a tourist attraction, can tourists be far behind?

This week Sports Illustrated published excerpts from a book alleging that baseball star Barry Bonds used compounds such as steroids, insulin, and female fertility drugs to improve his performance over the past 8 years. Upon arriving in training camp Bonds denied the allegations, but had to cut his press conference short when he began ovulating.

The movie Crash won the Best Picture Oscar at the Academy Awards last week in what some were calling the biggest upset ever. Now really, since Crash was one of the 5 nominees, was it really the biggest upset ever? If The Dukes of Hazzard had won, that would’ve been the biggest upset ever, since not only was it not nominated, but apparently if anyone admitted to even seeing it, they weren’t allowed to submit their Oscar ballot.

And speaking of them Dukes, have you seen the new Pizza Hut commercial with Jessica Simpson and Miss Piggy? I’m always amazed when they manage to get a completely artificial character to interact with real people. And they do a pretty good job with Miss Piggy too.

UN officials monitoring the spread of bird flu said this week that the deadly virus could reach the United States by mid-year, which means you all had better hurry and have your last McNugget while there’s just one way it could kill you.

Any of you folks reading this who live in New York have no doubt seen and read lots of coverage on the woman who disappeared from outside of a Soho bar, only to turn up raped and murdered in a field near Kennedy Airport. The NYPD is conducting an intense investigation into the tragic case, but apparently its work is being hampered by the media. Not the reporters trying to report the case, though. No, it’s being hampered by the writers of CSI:NY, Law & Order, Law & Order: Special Victims Unit and Law & Order: Criminal Intent, who are all trying to get another ripped from the headlines episode on the air in time for May sweeps.

I hear the writers for the new Law & Order show Conviction were also planning to tag along, but then they realized there’s no way their show is still on the air by May, so they stayed home and worked on their resumes instead.

In sports news, the NFL owners and players have a new collective bargaining agreement in place after some tense negotiations and two deadline extensions. With the new agreement in place, the salary cap is increased, higher profile teams share revenue with lower profile teams, and John Madden will only be allowed to mention the word “turducken” twice per season. So everybody wins.

In other sports news, the World Baseball Classic continues. Apparently. Not that you can find anyone willing to admit they’ve watched it.

This week software giant Microsoft unveiled its latest product – the UMPC, or ultra-mobile PC – that plays videos, music, and games, and also runs standard Windows programs, comes with a can opener and corkscrew, can core a apple, and can also be used as a dessert topping or a floor wax. Microsoft expects sales of the UMPC to exceed all analysts’ expectations. Or else.

I don’t know about wherever you’re living, but here in New York City Springtime made a sudden appearance today. How do I know? It’s simple, I just took a look at…

Tgreen’s Top Ten Signs of Springtime in New York:

10. Sightings of misplaced $1000 bills as Mayor Bloomberg begins Spring cleaning of his wallet
9. Senator Hillary Clinton has invisible electro-fence installed around Bill’s office building
8. Rev. Al Sharpton stops wearing thermal sweat suit at rallies
7. Steinbrenner starts showing up on the back page of the papers again
6. New York Islander players start reserving tee times for April

5. Homeless people strip down to 7 layers of winter coats
4. Trump puts winter ego into storage, has summer ego flown up from Florida for refurbishment
3. All work comes to a standstill as office resources are put to work on everyone’s NCAA brackets
2. Commuters stop grumbling about having to travel in the cold, start grumbling about having to work when it’s nice out
1. Tgreen does this same damn Top Ten list

And that’s all we have time for this week. Stay tuned next week for either some St. Patrick’s Day humor, or stay tuned in two weeks for the big excuse why there was no St. Patrick’s Day humor. Ooh, the anticipation.

T “a cipher, wrapped in an enigma, smothered in secret sauce” green

I’m Tgreen and this is Happy Friday. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

Tonight Show host Jimmy Fallon was criticized this week for going easy on Donald Trump in a recent interview. The interview ended with Fallon mussing up Trump’s hair. An NBC spokesman said that fortunately for Fallon, he’s had all his shots.

Though really, if I was going to criticize Jimmy Fallon, it would probably take me three hours to even get to the Trump interview. But his worst sin may have been explaining his performance in the interview by saying the same thing I originally wrote for this news item and therefore forcing me to come up with something new. Damn you, Jimmy Fallon! Damn you to hell!

This week The People vs OJ Simpson won the Emmy for Best Limited Series. Which is good, because if it had lost that would have been the worst miscarriage of justice since, well, you know.

This week Donald Trump Jr. used a picture of Skittles to make a point about the danger of allowing refugees into the country. Skittles responded by wondering how anyone could use a candy to hint about terrorism and not have that candy be circus peanuts. Because come on, man.

This week it was revealed that former President George H.W. Bush plans to vote for Hillary Clinton this November. This is not too surprising when you consider that he’s voted for Democrats in the past. Like Al Gore and John Kerry, to give two examples.

In entertainment news, Angelina Jolie filed for divorce from Brad Pitt this week. She said the couple had just been waiting until gay people had the right to divorce each other before they did it themselves.

British primatologist Jane Goodall said this week that Donald Trump’s behavior is like that of male chimpanzees performing dominance rituals. But the chimps at least live by the rule of “ape shall not kill ape,” putting them one step ahead of the Republican candidate.

Though I think someone should make sure Trump doesn’t get too close to the Statue of Liberty, just to be safe.

New York State Assemblyman Bill Nojay won reelection this week despite the fact that he’d killed himself four days earlier on the day he was going to receive federal fraud charges. But on the bright side, he’s unlikely to go back on any campaign promises now.

Swiss researchers found that drinking a glass of beer enhances empathy. And in a related story, researchers at the other end of the bar found that drinking 12 glasses of beer enhances your political opinions, strength, attractiveness and ability to drive home.

Galapagos Island scientists credited Diego, an endangered giant tortoise, with saving his species by fathering over 800 offspring. Slowly.

A Delaware man pleaded guilty this week to stabbing his former psychiatrist. But to be fair, it appears that the psychiatrist was not very good at his job.

Fox News’ Sean Hannity and Donald Trump recorded a town hall this week that focused on African-American issues, but its airing had to be postponed due to live coverage of the protests in Charlotte, NC. It’s a good thing Fox News announced the postponement at the top of the hour, or otherwise I might have thought that the footage they were airing was a Hannity/Trump town hall on African-American issues.

According to screen shots posted on Twitter this week, the IT specialist who deleted Hillary Clinton’s emails went to Reddit to ask for help in using BleachBit to do the job. Even worse for the Democratic candidate, though, was the 5-star review for the BleachBit software posted by a user with the screen name MadamPresident2016 last Thursday.

An Australian man has patented and started selling the Hamdog, a combination hotdog and hamburger in one bun. And in a related story, Chris Christie just requested he be named Ambassador to Australia in the Trump administration.

A woman in China tried to purchase an iPhone 7 online but when the package arrived it contained an iPhone 3 and an iPhone 4. This was a pretty clever way to rip someone off, actually. And even better, if they toss a couple of matches into the box they can use the same scam to rip off someone trying to buy a Galaxy Note 7.

Donald Trump caught some heat this week after saying that black communities have never been worse off than they are right now and seeming to forget years of slavery and Jim Crow laws. But in Trump’s defense, he was clearly reading the text from a speech he plans to give about six months after he gets sworn in.

This week it was revealed that North Korea only has 28 web sites. Apparently 24 of them are MySpace pages set up by Kim Jong-un when he was in an Emo phase; there’s the North Korean Netflix that offers nothing but the final three seasons of M*A*S*H; North Korean Yelp, which features 15 kimchee joints that all closed in 2003; North Korean Rotten Tomatoes, which isn’t a movie review site but rather offers recipes for people with very limited ingredient options; and a campaign site for Donald Trump.

All of this has me doubting the veracity of the email I just got telling me that Happy Friday is the 29th-most-popular website in North Korea.

This week Yahoo said that hackers stole info for over 500 million accounts. Which is kind of good news, because maybe the hackers can help me weed through the spam emails that are basically the only reason my Yahoo account exists anymore.

Federal investigators are looking into claims that Anthony Weiner sexted a 15-year-old girl. In case you were wondering if there was any low point Weiner couldn’t limbo his way under.

And finally, a recently-discovered email shows that federal immigration bosses are pushing employees to work OT to swear in as many new citizens as possible before the election. No one’s sure yet if this is a plot to potentially boost Hillary’s numbers, or if it’s just a way to avoid all the extra work that will be required to enact President Trump’s new Hunger-Games-inspired immigration rules.

I’m not one to pay much attention to the conspiracy theories that bounce around on the internet, but I’m pretty sure the other day I saw a story claiming another Hillary Clinton aide has died under suspicious circumstances. If that’s true, I’m starting to think the only job less safe than Hillary Clinton aide is Spinal Tap drummer.

I’ll tell you, this country is getting way too politically correct. I mean, you can’t even call a racist a racist anymore without half of Facebook crying about it.

You know, Yahoo says that the hack they just announced was “state sponsored.” What state, Rhode Island? Come on, tell us the whole story already.

In my wanderings I’ve seen my share of Hillary and Trump campaign signs out front of people’s houses, but yesterday I saw my first one for Libertarian Party candidate Gary Johnson. It wan’t exactly in front of a house, though. It was more like in a big empty field. I’m wondering if that means something.

So that guy who planted bombs in NYC and New Jersey? Turns out he lives above a fried chicken joint owned by his parents. I can remember when the worst thing you had to worry about at a fried chicken joint was a rat finding his way into the fryer. Times sure have changed.

This week marked the first day of fall, which signals the return of either your favorite or your most-hated flavor in the whole world – Pumpkin Spice. It seems that every year more and more products come in this flavor, and I think that even if you love it, some of them leave you scratching your head, as you’ll see when you check out…

Tgreen’s Top Ten Least Popular Pumpkin-Spice-Flavored Products:

10. Pumpkin Latte WD–40
9. Ben & Jerry’s Pumpkin Garcia
8. General Mills’ Pumpkinberry
7. Pumpkin Blast Doritos
6. Nathan’s Famous Pumpkin Fries
5. Sierra Mist Pumpkin Explosion
4. Pumpkin Chunk Elmer’s Glue
3. K-Y Pumpkin Vibrations Personal Lubricant
2. Pumpkin Whopper
1. Coors Light Pumpkin Ale

And that’s all we have time for this week. I’ll be on vacation in Disney so I’ve got no idea what, if anything, will appear in this space next week. Until next time, don’t fuck with the brand, keep your hands inside the vehicle at all times, don’t believe the hippie, watch out for clowns, keep your ass-kissing to a minimum because it’s shameful at this point, have your tickets ready, don’t eat the last hotdog on the rest stop grill, enjoy the debate, have some Skittles, stop trying to pretend you care about the Brangelina divorce, shoot for the moon, don’t you forget about me and, as always, have a Happy Friday!

T “it might be a small world after all but it’s a long damn drive to get to it” green

I’m Tgreen and this is Happy Friday! Sorry about that.

A tractor trailer on I–68 in Maryland caught fire this week, burning a truckload of bacon and ribs. And in a related story, this week’s Happy Friday is coming to you from the shoulder of I–68 in Maryland.

In advertising news, this week Dos Equis named a new Most Interesting Man In The World. Don’t worry, though, the title of Least Interesting Man In The World is still a 3-way tie between that guy who sits one cube over from you at work and always talks about his Logan’s Run fanfic, the guy who sits next to you on the train every day and talks about his Fantasy Football team, and your brother-in-law the stamp enthusiast.

Presidential candidate Donald Trump said this week that he wants to debate without a moderator. And without an audience. And without any media fact checkers. And, frankly, without Hillary Clinton either.

This week Hillary Clinton fainted while leaving 9/11 memorial ceremonies early after becoming overheated. It was later revealed that she’d been diagnosed with pneumonia two days earlier. Fox News announced that its wall-to-wall coverage of her funeral will start five minutes ago.

A new interview from September 11, 2001, resurfaced this week and showed that Donald Trump, when asked his opinion on the World Trade Center attacks, chose to point out that his building at 40 Wall Street was once again the tallest building in lower Manhattan. He offered no hint as to how many more people would have had to die in order for him to also have the largest penis in lower Manhattan, but one suspects the smart money would be on “most of them.”

This week Hillary Clinton apologized for saying that half of Donald Trump’s supporters belong in a basket of deplorables, claiming that in reality she’d seriously underestimated that percentage.

She actually didn’t have to apologize for nearly three days because it took that long for the average Trump supporter to find out what “deplorable” meant.

Oddly enough, this wasn’t the first time Hillary used the term “basket of deplorables.” Back in the 90s that’s how she referred to Bill’s scrotum.

This week Donald Trump did an interview with Larry King on King’s Russia Today talk show. The interview ended up being the third-most-watched program on Russian TV that night, coming in behind only Everybody Loves Putin and Better Call Putin, and just narrowly edging out According to Putin, Two Guys, a Girl and Putin, Putin and the Bear, and CSI: Minsk.

When asked this week if he would denounce former KKK leader David Duke, Republican Vice Presidential candidate Mike Pence said he didn’t like to name-call. Brother, did you ever join the wrong team.

This week it was revealed that Donald Trump once spent $20K of his charity’s money to purchase a portrait of himself. Clearly not one of those Dorian Gray ones, though.

New investigations discovered this week that in the 1960s, the sugar industry paid for two major studies that were designed to mask sugar’s potential role in coronary heart disease. This is only the second-worst thing the sugar industry did in the 1960s, since nothing will ever top whatever it was they did to get that Sugar, Sugar song on the charts.

This news about the sugar industry could prove to be a game-changer. Now you can’t say for sure whether your triple bypass was caused by your daily can of Coke habit, or your daily 2 for $5 Big Mac habit. It’s mysteries like this one that can keep a person up all night.

Hillary Clinton’s campaign planned to release more information about her health after this week’s pneumonia scare. That’s the good news. The bad news is that the info was apparently all contained in a series of emails that the campaign deleted out of force of habit.

This week the Census Bureau announced that the US median income grew 5.2% to $56,516 in 2015, the first annual gain since 2007. It also announced that middle class income grew faster than at any time in modern history. Jeez, thanks Obama.

Wait, what?

The latest internet conspiracy theory claims that Hillary Clinton is using a body double while campaigning. The conspiracy has even spawned its own hashtag – #HillarysBodyDouble, which narrowly beat out the second choice – #BillsWorstNightmare.

This week Libertarian Presidential candidate Gary Johnson asked “What is Aleppo?” during a TV interview about foreign policy, prompting many voters to speculate exactly when George W Bush signed on as his foreign policy advisor.

This week a patent application was published that shows Walmart is planning to introduce self-driving shopping carts to its stores. So honey, it’s totally not my fault that the cart was filled with Double Stuff Oreos. The cart did that all by itself.

A new study shows that exercise may offset some of the negative health effects of alcohol. Hmmmm. If anyone needs me, I’ll be working out for the next seven months straight, just to be safe.

And finally, this week the Consumer Product Safety Commission announced a recall of Samsung Galaxy Note 7 phones because there’s a danger they can catch fire. And not because there’s a danger that you can read Happy Friday on one, though that was also a consideration in their decision.

This Saturday marks the third annual Batman Day, a day that exists, I guess, to get you to drop a few bucks on a Batman comic. Or maybe to watch a Batman movie or cartoon. I’m actually not sure what this whole day is about. Maybe the way to understand it is to go right to the source, which you can do when you take a look at…

Tgreen’s Top Ten Ways Batman Plans to Celebrate Batman Day:

10. Check LinkedIn for response to ad for new sidekick
9. Swing by Gotham jail at 9:30 to update “Days without a Super Villain Escape” sign to “1”
8. Leave another bad review for Batman v Superman on Rotten Tomatoes
7. Investigate rumors that the Joker changed his name to Trump
6. Finish “Ten Things Fox’s Gotham Gets Wrong” article for BuzzFeed
5. Visit Chief O’Hara at the Old Stereotype’s Home
4. Swing by Gotham jail at 2:30 to reset “Days without a Super Villain Escape” sign back to “0”
3. Late lunch with Aquaman at Red Lobster
2. Call agent to find out if it’s not too late to swap out Affleck for Damon in the next movie
1. Finally get “Batman smells” removed from that Jingle Bells song

And that’s all we have time for this week. Until next time, catch the wave, run it up the flagpole to see if anyone salutes, set that DVR for all the new fall shows before they’re cancelled, roast some marshmallows over your Galaxy Note 7, avoid the Noid, get off of my lawn, keep your certificate valid, leave your meat cleaver at home and, as always, have a Happy Friday!

T “still trying to figure out how I didn’t get to be the candidate for the Green Party” green

I’m Tgreen and this is Happy Friday, the weekly blog post that may have lived long, but has never quite prospered. Which still means it’s doing better than…

The state of Oklahoma suffered a record 5.6-magnitude earthquake this week. Fortunately, no major damage was reported. Because it was Oklahoma.

Former Fox News anchor Gretchen Carlson settled her sexual harassment lawsuit against Roger Ailes for $20M and an apology. Which is way better than the denial and threat of a countersuit that Ailes offered at the start of the suit. And its several orders of magnitude better than the promotion and peek at Ailes’ musty ball sack that started this whole thing in the first place.

In other Fox News news, Fox News host Greta Van Susteren abruptly left the network this week, apparently over a financial disagreement. I guess the check from the network for her lighting-quick defense of Roger Ailes in that harassment suit bounced. Suddenly being on the hook for $20M because your employees were sexually harassed tends to make an organization less flush than usual.

Oddly, Greta would’ve done better financially if Ailes had actually harassed her instead of getting her to defend him.

And in one last little bit of Fox News news, Fox News correspondent Geraldo Rivera apologized this week for initially doubting stories about Roger Ailes’ alleged sexual harassment and coming out to defend his boss of 20 years. Rivera said he regretted his actions this summer, but in his defense, nobody told him it was time to stop lying about what was going on at the network.

At a G–20 meeting in China this week, the US, China and Russia failed to negotiate a cease-fire in Syria’s civil war. This is not too surprising when you consider that the US and China couldn’t even negotiate how President Obama was supposed to exit his plane upon arriving. Good thing these nations weren’t expected to negotiate the best way to split the tab after a dinner at TGIFridays or we’d all be dodging nuclear missiles by now.

In Space news, an asteroid was recently named for singer Freddie Mercury to commemorate what would have been his 70th birthday. The asteroid had to be named Freddie, because Mercury was already taken.

This week President Obama nominated a Muslim to be a Federal Judge. Funeral arrangements for Sean Hannity’s head will be announced later this week.

A leading international group announced this week that it’s taking the panda off the endangered species list. Which must mean panda season opens in what, two weeks?

Former Poison frontman Brett Michaels had his cell phone stolen while performing in Hampton Beach, NH. Authorities say the only way to find out who’s responsible is to interview everyone in the audience. They expect to have the case cracked in about 20 minutes.

This week Presidential candidate Donald Trump boasted that he’d scored the endorsements of 88 retired military figures. Skeptics cast doubt on these claims after seeing the list included Captain Hook, General Zod and Major Tom.

A public library in Alabama announced plans to enforce jail sentences for overdue books. Hey, you’ve gotta get tough when your library only has one book in it.

Cocaine worth 50M euros was discovered at a French Coca Cola plant this week. Authorities did not buy the plant manager’s claim that the cocaine was only there because of an upcoming Coke Throwback promotional blend.

Apparently in Hong Kong, Apple’s slogan for its new iPhone 7 translates to “This is penis.” And in related news, it was just announced that Anthony Weiner is now wanted for questioning by Hong Kong authorities for texting out pictures of his iPhone 7 to various women.

Though according to rumor, Weiner really should be calling it an iPhone 5.5. Just saying.

A new CNN poll reveals that 74% of Americans do not believe that Donald Trump will be able to get Mexico to pay for the border wall he promises to build if he’s elected. The other 26% apparently did not hear the question.

US swimmer Ryan Lochte has been suspended by the USOC for 10 months for lying about what happened in that gas station in Rio. Lochte said next time he’ll just rape someone, because swimmers who rape someone can get off in only 3 months.

In other Sports news, the New York Mets announced this week that they’ve signed Heisman Trophy winner Tim Tebow to a minor league contract. And in a related story, the New York Mets’ farm system is in much more trouble than I ever knew.

But on the plus side, you pretty much can’t throw an interception in a baseball game, so Tebow’s got that going for him.

This week Donald Trump gave a speech to the congregation at a black church. While Trump has had a hard time making inroads in the African-American community, he made no changes to his speech to try to pander to his audience. Except for when he stopped referring to his opponent as Crooked Hillary and started referring to her as Big Dummy.

This week North Korea conducted its fifth nuclear test, setting off an earthquake in the process. This latest test left a huge swath of North Korea damaged, poor, and starved for something to eat. Or, as the natives like to call it, just another Thursday.

And finally, in other North Korea news, it was revealed this week that North Korean dictator Kim Jong-un has launched an effort to curb sarcasm. Which is a shame because up until this point I was convinced he was the best damn leader in the whole wide world.

And in related news, I probably need to cross “North Korea visit” off the old bucket list, for obvious reasons.

While I’m at it, I’ll just cross off “do a shitty job moderating a political town hall” too, since Matt Lauer pretty much covered that one this week.

I’m sure you all saw that this Thursday marked the 50-year anniversary of the first episode of Star Trek. What you may not have known was it also marked the 49th year, 51st week-anniversary of George Takei’s grudge against William Shatner.

Me, I’m holding out for the 50th anniversary celebration of The Golden Girls. Despite the fact that half the episodes of that show felt like they were already commemorating the 50th anniversary of something.

This weekend marks the start of the 2016 NFL season, and fans across the country are feeling the joy and optimism that they can only feel in those moments before their team ruins it all by actually playing. Because yes, while every team starts the season with the same chance to make it to the Super Bowl, in most cases that chance drops to near zero before the first quarter is over. Now while I’ve been as crazy optimistic myself many years, I realize that there are many signs that we’re all just fooling ourselves, as you’ll see when you take a peek at…

Tgreen’s Top Ten Signs That Your Team Is Probably Not Super Bowl Bound:

10. At least 3 Offensive Linemen have an entourage that includes their parole officer
9. Kicker thought “soccer style” meant he was supposed to use his head
8. Cheerleader outfits are actually just bedazzled Wonder Woman Underoos
7. GM’s Fantasy Football team hasn’t won in 15 years
6. Team’s top-selling jersey belongs to the third-string Center
5. Starting QB’s pre-game ritual referred to as “praying to the porcelain god”
4. Running back strained a hamstring playing Strat-o-Matic Football
3. Terry Bradshaw picked them to go deep into the playoffs
2. Last time the team played a competitive season was in the Atari 2600 football game
1. Team name rhymes with “Cleveland Browns” or “New York Jets”

And that’s all we have time for this week. Until next time, try to figure out why BBCAmerica is running a Star Trek marathon, don’t call him Norman, call him Chubsey Ubsey, play it where it lays, don’t eat the Baby Ruth, try to figure out how many people used this week to mark the 50th anniversary of living in their mother’s basement, take a guess as to whose deflated balls Tom Brady’s gonna be fondling for the next four weeks, stay off the grid, bet with your head, not over it and, as always, Live Long and Happy Friday!

T “Khaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan!!!” green

I’m Tgreen and this is Happy Friday, the weekly blog post that’s longer and more satisfying than anything Anthony Weiner texted you last month.

And speaking of which, this week Hillary Clinton aide Huma Abedin announced that she was separating from her husband, Anthony Weiner, after the New York Post reported new sexting allegations against him. She said the couple will share custody of their son, but all of Weiner’s dick pics will remain in his custody. His and the approximately 300 women with whom he’s currently sharing them.

According to Arizona officials, Russian hackers breached a computer used by county election officials. The state officials were tipped off to the breach when the newest polls showed that Ivan McCainovich had a commanding lead in this week’s primary.

Former Alaska governor and perennial punchline Sarah Palin fell last week and suffered a head injury. Unfortunately for her, the fall was not hard enough to induce a state of amnesia so she’ll be forced to continue to remember everything she’s ever said in every interview she’s given over the last eight years.

The scientific community was rocked this week when reports of a potential radio signal coming from space was leaked to the media. The SETI community immediately called for all radio telescopes to be pointed toward HD 164595 to see if there’s anything more to the message besides the single word “Khaaaaaaaaaaan!”

An EU ruling said this week that Ireland must collect up to $14.6 billion in unpaid taxes from Apple. And in other tech news, Apple announced a September 7 unveiling of its new phones and computers and expects to be able to pay off this debt by lunchtime.

A SpaceX rocket was destroyed this week after it blew up on the launchpad during a prelaunch check. The rocket was carrying a satellite owned by Facebook, which means that the latest Facebook project, something they call a “Death Star,” is going to be a little behind schedule.

This news does means that Mark Zuckerberg is all of a sudden reconsidering his aversion to a Facebook “Dislike” button.

Florida Senator and former Presidential candidate Marco Rubio won the primary this week in his quest for reelection. When asked, Rubio said he couldn’t promise that he will serve his full 6-year term if he wins this November. And that’s fair, because a lot can happen in six years and no one can say what might change in the future. In fact, the only thing Rubio could promise is that he’ll definitely lose one more run for the White House before he retires. Maybe two. He’s young enough.

Brock Turner, the 22-year-old student who was convicted of sexual assault but sentenced to only six months, was set free this week after serving only three months of his sentence. Turner’s lenient treatment sparked outrage across the country, and this short time just served to make matters worse. The only silver lining in this whole story is that the justice system will have another chance to get it right after Turner’s second rape. And we all know there’s gonna be one. And maybe he can dedicate that one to Judge Aaron Persky, who let him off so easy the first time around.

This week Donald Trump went to Mexico to meet with Mexican President Enrique Pena Nino. Trump was scheduled to stay overnight, but he said none of the food there was half as good as the taco salad in Trump Tower, so he had to go home.

After the meeting Trump said he didn’t talk with Pena Nino about how Mexico is supposed to be paying for the wall he wants to build. Apparently he was too busy keeping an eye out for any of the Mexican rapists and murderers Mexico hadn’t already sent into this country to start that conversation.

This week ABC announced the cast of the new season of Dancing With the Stars, and one of this year’s contestants is former Presidential candidate Rick Perry. Perry must think that if being on a reality show worked for Trump, it would work for him too. And ABC must just really need those three viewers that Perry’s likely to bring in.

Dancing With the Stars wasn’t Perry’s first choice, actually. Initially he wanted to be on Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader? But he wasn’t.

This week an Indian Minister recommended that foreign women not wear skirts when visiting the country. Which, oddly enough, is pretty close to a rule Hillary plans to have for any women visiting the White House while Bill’s around.

Singapore released thousands of mosquitos carrying bacteria to combat dengue fever. “The biggest drawback,” said an infectious disease expert, “is we don’t really know what’s going to happen.” And then the opening credits rolled for this latest SyFy original movie we’re all living in.

A US court ruled that grocery chain Trader Joe’s could proceed with a lawsuit against a Canadian store called Pirate Joe’s, which resold Trader Joe’s merchandise. But in Pirate Joe’s defense, the business plan is right up there in the name, and they should at least get some credit for that.

I mean, it’s not like Burger King has the balls to change its name to Tonight’s Stomach Cramps, right?

Mexican President Enrique Pena Nino was found this week to have plagiarized his undergraduate thesis. Which solves the mystery of what he and Melania Trump could talk about when Donald had to step out of the room.

A family in Turkey got food poisoning at a dinner they organized to celebrate their recovery from food poisoning.They blame both instances on the pure dreaminess of the Dollar Menu.

A new study found that ramen noodles have replaced cigarettes as the most popular form of currency in US prisons. And just like that, your creepy college roommate is a prison millionaire.

A dog named Duke was elected mayor of a town in Minnesota for the third time this week. This despite the circulation of numerous photos of the mayor licking himself in public. And in a related story, Anthony Weiner announced he’s moving to Minnesota.

Scientists announced this week that they’ve recently discovered the oldest fossils ever found. The fossils, an advertisement for Larry King Live, are sure to open up a new view of humanity’s history on Earth.

The discovery of a 10-foot snakeskin in Westbrook, Maine, had local authorities worried that there was a large python in their midst – especially after a large snake was spotted eating a beaver by a lake this summer. However, a Texas scientist analyzed the snakeskin and discovered that it’s most likely not from a python but from an anaconda. So sleep easy, Westbrook. You don’t have a killer python in town. It’s just a killer anaconda. At which point Stephen King was like, “Wait, wait, wait, let me get this all down. A killer what?”

In sports news, Dallas Cowboys QB Tony Romo fractured a bone in his back and will be out for 6–10 weeks. And worst of all for Romo, after this announcement oddsmakers gave the Cowboys a 10% better chance of making it to the Super Bowl this season.

The biggest headline in all this is that Tony Romo actually does have a backbone. Who knew?

And finally, according to a recent Fox News poll, more than half of US voters say the country is less safe than before 9/11. And in a completely unrelated story, Fox News just celebrated 15 years as the most popular cable news network in the country.

And that’s enough News Roundup for this week.

This weekend is Labor Day weekend, the unofficial end of the summer for most people. I’m not sure how it works everywhere, but the end of summer is surprisingly easy to spot here in NYC, as you’ll see when you take a look at…

Tgreen’s Top Ten Signs That Summer in NYC is over:

10. Coffee some jackass spills on you in the subway has fresh pumpkin scent

9. Mayor DiBlasio starts trying to pass off Penn Station homeless people as Halloween scarecrows

8. New York Jets get serious about coming up with an excuse for this year’s missed opportunities

7. Chance you’re going to see a back page headline about hockey increases by .06%

6. Only women left wandering the streets barely clothed are probably crazy

5. Annoying coworker stops boring you with stories about his beach house, starts boring you with stories about his fantasy football team

4. Line at Shake Shack is three blocks long (sorry, that’s one of Tgreen’s Top Ten Things That Are True No Matter What Season It Is)

3. Subway rats start prepping for steady diet of candy corn and circus peanuts

2. New York Mets initiate latest plan to avoid winning a World Series Title

1. Mayor DiBlasio stops taking bribes for good parking spots at Coney Island, starts taking bribes for good seats at the Radio City Music Hall Christmas Spectacular

And that’s all we have time for this week. Be sure to come back next time. Unless you have something better to do. Literally anything better at all. Until then, enjoy that last weekend of preseason football like you’re never gonna see half these players again, because you’re not unless you happen to show up at Lowe’s during their second shift, see if you can guess which minority group Trump’s gonna piss off next, run out and buy a tube of that new KFC sunscreen before it sells out or gets recalled, whichever comes first, check your spam folder to see if maybe you too ever received a classified email from Hillary Clinton, start cruising the local McDonalds to see if they’re bringing back the McRib this year, don’t pick Tom Brady for your week 1 fantasy team, and, as always, have a Happy Friday!

T “a little voice Inside my head said, ‘Don’t look back. You can never look back’” green

I’m Tgreen, and this is Happy Friday, your one-stop shop for the same four jokes since 1995.

This week a car full of subway commuters was trapped without air conditioning for 30 minutes after a woman released a box of live roaches and crickets on the train. Fortunately, the MTA was able to leap into action because it already has a name for exactly this situation. It’s called Wednesday.

This week Speedo dropped its sponsorship of Olympic swimmer Ryan Lochte in the wake of his false story about what happened to him in Rio. A Speedo spokesperson said they had no choice but to drop Lochte, because “there’s no room for a lie in a Speedo. Seriously, have you seen one of these things? There’s literally no room for anything in there, much less a lie.”

Brazilian authorities have ordered Lochte to return to Rio to face charges for making a false police report, which means he’s now facing a choice between possible jail time in Rio or a season on Dancing With the Stars. It’s a harder choice than you might think.

Former Presidential candidate Michelle Bachman announced this week that she’s advising Republican candidate Donald Trump on foreign policy. Bachman said she foresees no problem with this new job despite the fact that her knowledge of foreign policy mainly comes from a Star Trek-branded copy of Risk she picked up on the cheap at a yard sale.

We also learned this week that a 12-year-old boy is running the Trump campaign’s ground operation in Colorado. Around the campaign he’s known as the overqualified one.

Louisiana lawmakers Steve Scalise, Bill Cassidy and John Fleming, who voted against a $50.5-billion relief package for Superstorm Sandy victims, signed a letter to President Obama this week asking for a disaster declaration for their state after last week’s historic floods. They figure it will be pretty easy to get emergency funds because they don’t have to worry about any assholes from Louisiana voting against them.

Police in Western New York are looking for a man dressed in a Batman mask and Captain America  costume who stole two 18-packs of beer. And in related news, Tony Stark has apparently fallen off the wagon again.

This week the FBI revealed that 15,000 more emails that Hillary Clinton didn’t hand over to investigators will be released in October. Since more than half of them involve correspondence with a prince from Nigeria asking for money, they’re obviously related to her State Department work.

This week the price of an EpiPen spiked from about $100 to more than $600. Mylan, the manufacturer, blamed the price hike on changes in insurance, but after it was revealed that their CEO gave herself a $18-million raise last year, the company announced that it would offer discounts to customers. Which is better than their original plan — a smaller EpiPen filled with a sedative to ease the shock of the price increase on the regular EpiPen.

This week NASA announced that it had found a spacecraft that was lost in space for two years. They were able to find it when their radios began picking up a broadcast that kept repeating “Danger, Will Robinson!”

According to the Associated Press, more than half of those who met with Hillary Clinton as a Cabinet Secretary gave money to the Clinton Foundation. A Clinton Foundation spokesperson said that this was entirely unacceptable and someone was going to be fired over it, because the original deal was supposed to be for no less than 90%.

Campaign documents show that the Trump campaign paid $356 to the speechwriter who wrote Melania Trump’s RNC speech. Which means that after Michelle Obama gets her cut, the speechwriter isn’t taking home very much at all.

A new study revealed that working less might make people more productive. And in related news, it appears I’ve worked with some of the most productive people in the world.

This week former new York City Mayor Rudy Giuliani told people who want to find out the truth about Hillary Clinton’s health to Google it. And let me tell you, this is a very efficient method because after you’re done looking up Hillary’s health you can catch up on the latest Bigfoot sightings.

Just be sure not to Google “Donald Trump rape”, though, because of all the information you can find with Google, I doubt Rudy wants you to read about that.

I have to say, Rudy was a lot less prone to falling for conspiracy theories back when he still had the combover. Did he keep some tinfoil tucked under that thing?

In response to recent stories that former Met and Yankee pitcher Dwight Gooden was once again doing cocaine, the New York Yankees offered to pay for his rehab if he would only get help for himself. The Mets wanted to help too, but they told Dwight he’d have to see if Bobby Bonilla had any spare cash to give him.

Scientists announced this week that they may have discovered an Earth-like planet orbiting Proxima Centauri, the star closest to our own. And in related news, Donald Trump announced he’s gonna need a taller wall.

They say the planet is “Earth-like”. Does that mean the people who live there are hell-bent on destroying the place and each other? Or does it mean something different to scientists?

A baby born on a Cebu Pacific flight was granted 1 million air miles in honor of the birth. No free WiFi, First Class upgrade or extra carryon bag, though. You have to be triplets or better to score that kind of swag.

And finally, this week McDonalds removed a device that tracked physical activity from its Happy Meals. Not because this was an invasion of privacy or anything like that. No, it was just that after three weeks, they hadn’t tracked any activity.

If you’ve gone anywhere near a movie theater lately, you’ve no doubt seen that superhero movies are the big thing. This summer we had Batman v Superman, Captain America: Civil War, and Suicide Squad, with Doctor Strange following this fall and dozens more on the schedule for the next 10 years or so. All this might make you think that the comic book industry is booming, but that’s not what’s happening at all. No, the comic book industry is in dire straits thanks to an aging fan base that has squeezed out the children who used to be the primary customers. Things have gotten so bad that publishers are being forced to update many of their classic titles in order to give this audience a more relatable reading experience, as you’ll see when you take a glance at…

Tgreen’s Top Ten Comic Books Designed to Appeal to an Aging Fan Base:

10. Ol’ Archie

9. Silver Scooter

8. Peter Parker, the Spectacular Middle Manager

7. The Elongated Prostate

6. The Fantastic Four Hours of Seep Before Having to Get Up to Pee

5. The Uncanny Ex-Wives

4. Plastic Surgeon

3. The Really-Really-Really-Post-Teen Titans

2. Crazy Cat Woman

1. Assisted Suicide Squad

And that’s all we have time for this week. Come back next time for the same jokes, just in a slightly different order. Until then, keep it out of the tall grass, don’t fall, if you must fall at least be sure Molly says something funny after you do it, play your cards right, don’t install anything fishy on your phone, keep your ice in your cup and not in the street, stay out of Rio jail, don’t feed anyone after midnight, admit that you would totally buy an issue of Peter Parker, the Spectacular Middle Manager, start your wagering about whether or not I can keep this thing going until Election Day and, as always, have a Happy Friday!

T “All-new, All-Different” green

I’m Tgreen, and this is Happy Friday, your one-stop shop for Olympic-level bullshit and general nonsense.

This week former New York Mayor Rudy Giulini gave a speech in which he claimed there were no successful terror attacks on American soil before President Obama came along. To explain his statement he said that he had not forgotten 9/11, he just spoke in “abbreviated” language. It’s not his fault that he just happens to abbreviate everything he can’t pin on the President.

TV host and political commentator John McLaughlin died this week in his Virginia home at the age of 89. His final words were “Wrong!!!”

A train in Iowa derailed last week and crashed into a trackside bar named “Derailed,” prompting the bar owner to consider changing the name of his other bar from “Nuclear Armageddon.”

In Italy, a legislator called for parents who feed their children vegan diets to be sentenced to up to six years in prison. The case, Billy v Icky Broccoli, is expected to set a worldwide legal precedent.

This week it was revealed that workers in Pyongyang were forced by the government to take a form of crystal meth in order to expedite the completion of a large-scale construction project. And in related news, I think I just figured out a fairly inexpensive way to get them to finally patch up the intersection of 516 and 79.

In Sweden a woman tried to explain the theft of six pairs of underwear by claiming she had severe diarrhea. She was unable to explain the theft of the car she was using to bring the underwear home, though.

Presidential candidate Donald Trump received his first confidential security briefing this week. For more details on what he was told, check out his Twitter feed this weekend.

Trump brought New Jersey Governor Chris Christie along to his briefing. He did this because he trusts Christie to keep his mouth shut. Or if not shut, at least full.

A Texas man convicted of child sexual assault was sentenced this week to 700 years in prison. Which is expected to translate into about 3 weeks in Gen Pop.

This week US swimmer Ryan Lochte and three of his teammates claimed they were robbed at gunpoint while taking a cab at the Rio Olympics. Brazilian officials quickly produced videotape that cast doubt on the events as the swimmers reported them, and said the swimmers actually lied to cover up a fight they got into at a gas station. It’s all still very confusing. All we do know for sure is that NBC newscaster Brian Williams said it was the most harrowing cab ride he’s ever been on.

In other Olympic news, the International Boxing Association sent home 6 judges and referees this week following outrage over several contentious matches and a fear of widespread corruption. But the good news is that at least one of them is a lock for the Gold medal in Olympic bribery.

This week the White House admitted that the $400M payment to Iran back in January was in fact contingent on Iran releasing four American prisoners. The White House was quick to clarify that they still don’t consider this a ransom payment like many of their critics are claiming, because they never received a ransom note made of letters cut out of a magazine and international law is pretty clear on that requirement.

Uber announced this week that it will begin offering rides in self-driving cars to customers in Pittsburgh later this year. The cars will be able to take passengers anywhere, but it’s expected most people will want a ride directly out of town so they can escape before the robot apocalypse kicks in.

This week Eve Plumb, who played middle sister Jan on The Brady Bunch, sold for $3.9M a house she bought at age 11. And in related news, a Spider-Man comic I bought at age 11 might be worth upwards of 5 bucks if it’s in mint condition.

In what’s widely seen as an attempt to reboot his campaign and show that he has the right temperament to be president, this week Donald Trump gave a speech where he acknowledged that he’d said some things during the campaign that he was sorry about. Except for the everything he said about Ted Cruz. He meant every word of that.

A Clinton Foundation spokesman this week said that if Hillary Clinton is elected president, the foundation will no longer accept foreign or corporate donations. And also that the foundation looks forward to working with the United States’ newest members, the great state of the Kingdom of Saudi Arabia, and newly-naturalized citizens the Coca Cola Company and the Axcion Corporation.

The president of the Family Research Center, who has routinely said that God sends natural disasters to punish gays, had his house destroyed in this week’s flooding in Louisiana. C’mon God, it’s not cool to out Tony Perkins that way, you know?

Newly-discovered emails revealed that several of Donald Trump’s advisors previously waged a covert lobbying campaign on behalf of a pro-Russian Ukrainian government. But the weirdest part of the story? Those emails were found on Hillary Clinton’s private email server.

And finally, Jamaican runner Usain Bolt became the first person to win the 100m and 200m in three consecutive Olympics, cementing his status as the fastest man in the world. Yes, even faster than Bill DeBlasio running away from his record.

The Rio Olympics ends this weekend after two weeks presenting the best athletic competition the world’s nations have to offer. If you’ve been watching the broadcasts regularly, having them end like this is going to leave a big hole in your viewing plans. However, you don’t have to give up your Olympic viewing cold turkey. If you live in or around New York City, there are plenty of things you can watch to replicate your Rio experience, as you’ll see when you take a look at…

Tgreen’s Top Ten Simulated Olympic Events to Watch in NYC:
10. 400m intern coffee fetching relay

9. Synchronized cockroaches

8. Subway pickpocket wrestling

7. 50m purse snatcher dash

6. 7th Ave bike messenger racing

5. DWI checkpoint balance beam

4. Penn Station homeless hurdling

3. New York Mets 100m dash to the bottom of the division

2. 50m burst water main freestyle

1. Hot dog vendor dirty water wiener drop

And that’s all we have time for this week. Until next time, go for the gold, stay off the Costas, just try and unsee those pictures of the naked Trump statue, cower in fear that the same people are ready to deploy naked Hillary at any moment, stay off Slanted Rock, fix that Stop sign, run your mouth, don’t waste too much time watching preseason football, have a Fresca, vote early and vote often, catch the wave and, as always, have a Happy Friday!

T “clobberin’ time” green