Comments (0)

By Tgreen, September 4, 2015 8:17 am

Lines formed in front of toy stores around the world this week in anticipation of Force Friday, a midnight event where a wave of new Star Wars merchandise, including the first toys associated with the upcoming The Force Awakens movie, went on sale. Star Wars parent company Disney expects to pull in billions of dollars in merchandise money for the new movie, and it was counting on a record-breaking turnout for the event. Mostly because Disney was fortunate enough to pick a night when none of the people standing on those midnight lines had a date, or anything better to do, really.

Comments (0)

By Tgreen, August 7, 2015 9:02 pm

Tragedy was averted this week when a gunman who planned to kill dozens of people in a movie theater was thwarted by the fact that he chose a screening of the new Fantastic Four movie as his target and found there was no one there to shoot.

Comments (0)

By Tgreen, December 21, 2012 12:15 am

Hello, I’m Tgreen. Welcome to the end of the world.

You have no idea how long I’ve been waiting to write that.

Now, before we let things get too far out of hand, this end of the world is some end of the world allegedly predicted by the Mayans thousands of years ago and not the end of the world that’s predicted in the back of the bible. So, no horsemen of the Apocalypse and no fat lady singing, though I’m not sure if the fat lady singing is from the bible but for the purposes of this post we’ll pretend that she is. Because if the world really does end today, the last thing you’re gonna want to worry about is my lousy fact-checking skills.

That’s a pretty big if, though, isn’t it? If the world is gonna end. If the Mayans of all people figured it out all those years ago. The Mayans. When was the last time you even saw a Mayan? Exactly. If they weren’t able to predict their own demise, how am I supposed to believe they predicted the end of the world? But hey, if somehow it turns out the world ends on a Friday, might as well make it a Happy Friday. As the saying goes, the world will end not with a bang, but with a lame Top Ten list. Which brings us to…

Tgreen’s Top Ten Signs the World Was Going to End Before This Mayan Thing Happened:
10. The announcement of the new 24-hour According to Jim channel
9. Eight seconds left, 4th quarter, Jets up by 10 in the Super Bowl
8. You win Powerball
7. Tgreen’s boss says, “Why don’t you take a long lunch and head home early today?”
6. Rush Limbaugh says something eloquent and reasonable
5. Trump hooks up with a woman who loves him for who he is and not for his bank account
4. John Madden sex tape gets released on the Internet
3. Rudy Giuliani suggests that maybe, just maybe, he took that “America’s Mayor” thing a little too far
2. Video turns up proving beyond a shadow of a doubt that OJ never killed anybody
1. Tgreen adds new joke to Top Ten list

So as you can see, I was pretty confident that the end of the world was a long way off. Can you blame me?

I think it’s mighty suspicious that the world ends right after the Pope joins Twitter. Just imagine what might have happened if he’d made his Instagram feed public. I mean, besides all those Justin Bieber pictures we would’ve had to look at.

Speaking of Justin Bieber, ABC recently announced it’s creating a sitcom based on his life. I swear if they name this thing Leave it to Bieber I may never turn on a TV again just to avoid the possibility of ever seeing even a second of it.

But then, if I never turned on my TV again how would I know what happens next week on Two and a Half Men? Wait a second, I smell a win/win situation here.

Not that we’ll need to worry about the Justin Bieber sitcom if the Mayans were right. I’ve done a little research into them and I’m not sure what to make of what I’ve learned. See if you’ve got a better understanding of things once you check out…

Tgreen’s Top Ten Other Things the Mayans Predicted:
10. There are WMDs in Iraq
9. America is gonna fall in love with Jar-Jar Binks
8. Jermaine will be the breakout star of the Jackson 5
7. Microsoft Bob will change the world
6. You can spin off any character from Friends and have a hit on your hands; it’s like printing money
5. Can’t go wrong with Tebow backing up Sanchez
4. The 2012/2013 NHL season will be one for the ages
3. You’ll never get people to drop $300 or more on a phone
2. New Coke will definitely be better than plain old Coke…it’s got “New” right there in the name
1. If you claim up front that you’re “Fair and Balanced” you can say whatever crazy shit you want and you’ll find people who will believe you

Hmmm, wait a second there, they might have been right on that last one. So, 1 for 10. If that was their batting average they could play outfield for the Mets next season.

In other sports news, the NHL lockout continues with no end in sight, and all that really means is that the remaining .00001% of the sports-watching population that wasn’t already not watching hockey is now not watching hockey.

Hockey is kind of like the Ron Paul of sports. People are vaguely aware it exists; if they have any opinion of it at all they think it’s more than a little weird; they mostly ignore it; when they do pay attention to it, it’s because they’re waiting for the train wreck to start.

And in political news, the United States this year reelected the world’s first Kenyan-born socialist fascist divorced and possibly gay president. At least, that’s the fair and balanced view of things.

In other political news, former pseudo-Presidential candidate Donald Trump is still a delusional creep, only now he’s managed to distill his delusional creepiness down to 140-character bites.

And if anything is going to survive the end of the world, it will be Trump’s hair. Whatever it’s constructed from, it will no doubt just move on and colonize another world when this one ends.

Of course, the biggest political issue staring us in the face as the world ends is the fiscal cliff. Honestly, if there was ever a cliff I wanted to see the White House and Congress plunge over, it sure as hell wasn’t a fiscal one.

Just out of curiosity, if the country does plunge over this fiscal cliff, which side breaks out W’s old “Mission Accomplished” banner, the Republicans or the Democrats? I can’t always tell anymore.

Rejected Supreme Court nominee Robert Bork died this week, prompting every person under the age of 40 to say. “Who?”

Ha, as if anyone under 40 even heard the news. I doubt it got announced during the finale of The Voice.

Apparently Justice Clarence Thomas was so broken up after hearing the news that he was unable to even speak while the Court was in session. Oh, wait…

Anyone see that trailer for the new Superman movie, Man of Steel? If so, could you tell me why it looks like Superman’s costume is, uh, ribbed for her pleasure? Serious question.

And speaking of Superman, since the world is ending and all, do we have a plan in place to launch a baby into space so he can land on another planet and be Superman there? Hindsight being 20/20 and all, someone really should’ve asked that question during the presidential debates.

In other movie news, anyone see the trailer for the new Star Trek movie, Into Darkness? If so, could you tell me at what point in the movie Shatner’s gonna show up to tell us it’s all been a bad dream?

And speaking of bad dreams, you have to figure that if the world is still around on Saturday, anyone who believed in this whole Mayan thing is gonna wish the last few months were just a bad dream. I mean, if you’re convinced the world is gonna end, you might find yourself making choices you wouldn’t make otherwise. Which brings us to…

Tgreen’s Top Ten Ways to Face Down a World That Didn’t End on 12/21/12:
10. Tell your boss you were acting out a scene as the evil Captain Kirk and of course you didn’t mean any of that crap you said on your way out the door Thursday night
9. Wash the taste out of your mouth and run from that apartment before anyone else wakes up
8. Inquire about the possibility of a refund for that big bet you made on the Mets winning a World Series in the next 2 years
7. Inquire about the possibility of a refund for that big bet you made on the Mets winning a World Series in your lifetime
6. Start working on an excuse to get out of that New Year’s party at your in-laws house that you thought the Mayans were gonna save you from
5. Consider erasing all those episodes of Jersey Shore from your DVR (sorry, that’s one of Tgreen’s Top Ten Things You Should Do Whether or Not You Ever Thought the World Was Ending, Because Seriously)
4. Find something to distract you enough to get that damn REM song out of your head
3. Delete those pictures you took early Friday morning because technically they’re now evidence
2. Run out and buy all those Christmas presents you thought you wouldn’t need
1. See if you still have the receipt for those Nikes and that purple robe

And that’s all we have time for today. If, somehow, the Mayans were right, then I’m sorry this could be the last thing you ever read. Otherwise, I’ll see you back here sooner or later for more of the same, but different. Until then, deck some halls, jingle some bells, have a shot, watch some football, have another shot, watch some hockey…oh, wait, don’t get eyestrain from playing with your Nook too much, learn that poem, strike a pose, swing by the Waffle House and say hi to Elvis, don’t believe the hype, back away from that emergency cache of Twinkies, catch the wave, remember the Alamo, bet with your head, not over it, keep on rolling with the flow, stop touching that, run it up the flagpole to see if anyone salutes and, for maybe the last time ever, have a Happy Friday!

T “and I feel fine” green

Comments (0)

By Tgreen, September 10, 2012 11:43 pm

I was thinking of maybe writing something for the 9/11 anniversary, but it didn’t take more than a couple of minutes to realize I don’t have much to say on that. But I still wanted to do something. So what I decided to do was to reprint the Happy Friday 6th Anniversary XXXtravaganza, which, as you’ll see, was a tribute to NYC from the days before the towers came down. Lots of this material was out of date in November, 2001, when I first compiled it. It’s practically ancient history now. Maybe this November I’ll try to slap together a sequel with the NYC-themed jokes I’ve written since then. But for now, I’ll leave you with a look back at some good old days filtered through some bad old days. Maybe after a day of 9/11 retrospectives, this could give you a laugh.

And on that note, let’s take an unedited trip back to November, 2001, when we really had no idea what was coming next…

Hard as it might be to believe, when I started this e-mail six years ago most of the people on that original list were just getting e-mail for the first time. Now e-mail is ingrained in our lives. So you see how much progress we can make so quickly. On the other hand, when I started this e-mail six years ago the World Trade Center was still standing and no planes were crashing five blocks from my brother and sister-in-law’s house. So you see how quickly things can go bad. So I guess what I’m saying is we take a few steps up and we get knocked a few steps back and then every Friday I sum it up in a bad Top Ten list.

When I was trying to figure out how to mark this anniversary, one thing I noticed is that from the first sentence back in 1995, this e-mail was grounded right in New York City. Local news filled a lot of space every week and even as the list grew and more people from other cities (or other countries) signed on, New York City was one of the main characters. If OJ or Clinton or Dole eventually wore out their welcome, New York and its players rarely did.

Since September 11, this city has changed in more ways than I can even understand, much less explain. So I thought it would be fun to take a look back at what New York used to be like in, well, I guess now they’re the old days. While reading through old Happy Fridays to find today’s material, I was surprised at how many jokes I wouldn’t dare try right now. I mean, I’d tell them but a lot of you would get really pissed at me. Keep that in mind while you’re reading and I think you’ll be surprised at how different things are today.

A warning, though, before we start. If September 11 made Rudy Giuliani your own private super hero, you might want to delete this e-mail right now and come back next week. Rudy was a favorite target of Happy Friday, and not everyone is gonna want to see that anymore. Also, if September 11 made George Pataki your own private super hero, not only do you want to delete this e-mail but you might also want to seek professional help. I mean, jeez, he’s George Pataki.

Okay, so New York has changed rather quickly but obviously I’m lagging behind.

Anyway, if you do choose to read this too-long-by-half e-mail, here’s an idea of what you can expect. You’ll see complaints about New York weather, New York sports, and New York subways. You’ll also see appearances by many major New York figures, some of whom haven’t been mentioned here in a long time. You’ll see some old intros and even one of the old opening rhymes. There are some Top Ten lists and one song. And tucked away in the middle of all this is one joke written a few years ago but never seen in Happy Friday until today. Think of it as one of those “bonus” tracks you get in a CD boxed set.

So open your minds, shut your mouths, and get ready to take a step back into Olde New York, late 90s style…

11/17/95
From the home office in Soho, where a dollar and a dream isn’t enough to buy you a subway token, it’s Tgreen wishing you a Happy Friday.

12/1/95
Tgreen’s Top Ten Signs That It’s Holiday Season in New York City:
10. Annoying homeless guy on street corner replaced by annoying Salvation Army guy.
9. Misspelled “Happy Hannukah” signs appear in store windows.
8. Smith Barney announces more layoffs.
7. Mayor Giuliani demands that he be referred to as “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Mayor”.
6. Greenwich Village-dwellers replace their body piercings with Christmas ornaments.
5. Sidewalk food vendors add eggnog and fruitcake to the menu.
4. Subway musicians serenade passengers with Kwanzaa carols.
3. Cab drivers shout “Happy Holidays” as they try to run you over.
2. O.J. takes advantage of sale at Bloomingdale’s to buy new gloves.
1. Old guys who like to sit children on their laps are hired, not arrested.

12/15/95
From the home office in Soho, where Jack Frost isn’t nipping at your nose, but Jack Pickpocket might be nipping at your wallet, it’s Happy Friday!

4/12/96
Tgreen’s Top Ten Signs That It’s Spring In New York:
10. George Steinbrenner fires somebody.
9. The homeless people start to bloom.
8. The Mets get mathematically eliminated from the playoffs.
7. Dawn goes back to wearing just one winter coat.
6. The Islanders go home to play golf.
5. Street vendors stop storing hot dogs in their pants to keep warm.
4. The Jets get mathematically eliminated from the playoffs.
3. The subways stop getting delayed by snow and start getting delayed by rain.
2. Mayor Giuliani starts spring cleaning on his comb-over.
1. Cab drivers give off a fresh, spring scent.

5/10/96
It’s Happy Friday time
I’m trying not to whine
About the Ranger’s game
Though they were pretty lame

But I won’t shed a tear
While Happy Friday’s here
I’ll keep that all inside
Until they lose Game 5

5/24/96
New York Mayor Rudy Giuliani proclaimed this Wednesday “Dwight Gooden Day.” Festivities included a special version of “Run, Hit and Slide” called “Drink, Smoke, and Snort.” Yankee owner George Steinbrenner celebrated by firing a ball boy.

6/14/96
It’s been a hot and wet week up here in New York City, but that really makes it sound a lot better than it actually was.

6/21/96
Tgreen’s Top Ten Signs of Summer In New York:
10. Mailmen stop blaming lousy service on snow and start blaming it on neighborhood dogs
9. The Mets get mathematically eliminated from the playoffs
8. Tgreen does another Top Ten list
7. New York City landlords finally fix their broken furnaces
6. Mayor Giuliani starts sporting the warm weather comb-over
5. Dawn stops wearing her parka
4. Rowdy fans riot during ticket sales for John Tesh’s summer tour
3. Sidewalk donut vendors start dropping ice cubes into yesterday’s coffee and charging an extra dollar for it
2. Late night TV addicts show their pride by wearing Blu-blocker sunglasses fresh from the infomercial
1. MTA starts “Name That Smell” contest in the subway system

6/28/96
Authorities in upstate New York caused a furor this week when they gathered up a flock of Canadian geese that was littering the town with droppings and made hamburgers out of them. Mayor Giuliani immediately scheduled a news conference for later today to announce his new plan to handle New York City’s problems with pigeons, rats, and squeegee men.

7/19/96
Speaking of Grand Central, the other day there was a bomb scare in the station, and a whole section of the waiting area was closed off. A square area about 50 feet on each side. Closed off with police tape. To protect people from a bomb. I guess what I’m getting at here is that either it must have been a very small bomb or that was some really strong police tape. Either way, I hope the New York Metro North Police aren’t in charge of the Olympic security.

7/29/96
I walked over to the new Virgin Megastore here in Manhattan this weekend, and that involved a little trip through Times Square. My, how things have changed. Instead of large advertisements for sex shows, there are big pictures of Andre Agassi and Wayne Gretzky advertising their All Star Cafe. I’m pretty sure when you go into the All Star Cafe and ask them to toss you a salad it’s quite different than in the old Times Square.

8/2/96
And finally, a new study shows that more and more New Yorkers are becoming hooked on gambling and the state has the most problem gamblers in the country. I bet they’re wrong about that.

8/9/96
In Sports, Darryl Strawberry hit three home runs in one game this week, prompting Yankee announcer Phil Rizutto to speak fondly about a particularly good cannoli he ate back in 1972.

8/16/96
In Sports, the New York Mets and the San Diego Padres play a historic series this weekend in Mexico. Met fans everywhere are hoping that the entire team defects to Mexico and never returns. In a related story, the Yankees were originally scheduled to play in Mexico, but team officials were afraid the return trip would take too long with Dwight and Darryl both having to go through that inspection at the border.

9/6/96
New York City Mayor Rudy Giuliani blasted the USTA for requiring planes to avoid flying over the US Open while matches were being played. Apparently the planes were disruptive because the fans saw them and realized that a plane ticket to almost anywhere was cheaper than the hot dog they just bought at the concession stand.

10/9/96
The Jets lost another game, huh? I think I can just incorporate that into my standard signature file for the rest of the season.

In honor of controversial ballplayer Roberto Alomar’s arrival in New York, disk jockeys from Z100 have been passing a jar around, asking Yankee fans to spit in it. They hope to present Alomar with the jar this afternoon. Hmmm, a jar filled with the spit of Yankee fans? You couldn’t get me to carry that around if you let me wear 2 of those “Outbreak” virus protection suits.

10/11/96
And finally, a 12-year-old New Jersey boy reached over the wall and snared a fly ball that was ruled a home run, allowing the Yankees to tie and eventually win Game 1 of the American League Championship Series. No 12-year-old boy has handled a ball this famous since Michael Jackson’s last sleepover party.

10/21/96
New York City Mayor Rudy Giuliani was hailed as a hero this weekend when he used his comb-over to prop up a bridge washed out during the Nor’easter, saving a busload of children.

11/15/96
And finally, the New York City Transit Authority, in an attempt to shorten the amount of time an average commuter spends in the subway, announced a new plan whereby all subways will only keep their doors open for 45 seconds at each stop before moving on. In addition, all muggings must be completed in under a minute and anyone who rubs a part of their body against a total stranger on a packed train must take no more than 20 seconds to do so.

12/6/96
Tgreen’s Top Ten Signs It’s Christmas Season In New York:
10. Bars start serving “Long Island Egg Nog”
9. Sightings of “Homeless Claus” on city streets
8. Times Square hookers start offering to “Roast Your Chestnuts”
7. Pickpockets still take your wallet, but they leave behind a candy cane
6. Subways sprayed with fresh pine scent
5. Al Roker does the weather wearing a white beard
4. Supermarkets start stocking “Fruitcake Helper”
3. City cops tell criminals to have a Holly Jolly night in jail
2. Parking lot owners stop overcharging for parking spaces and start overcharging for Christmas trees
1. Ceremonial lighting of Rudy Giuliani’s comb-over

12/13/96
New York City cops this week began giving out $50 tickets to anyone taking up more than one seat on the subway. This should provide a great incentive to watch what you eat at the office Christmas party lest your butt start to creep into the seat next to you and cost you $50. Because honestly, if you’re going to spend $50 on a piece of ass, you don’t want it to be your own.

12/20/96
It’s pretty cold out there in New York today. How cold is it? Well, it’s so cold that Mayor Giuliani had them put an extra layer of fiberglass insulation into his comb-over. It’s so cold that the temperature almost dipped to the number of games the Jets have won this season.

1/10/97
Hello everyone and welcome to another edition of Happy Friday. For those of you in other parts of the country, we did have a little snow on the ground yesterday here in New York. Fortunately, as part of Mayor Giuliani’s crackdown on “quality of life” problems, NYPD officers quickly evicted the snow from the street and forced it to spend the night in a shelter.

New York City Real Estate mogul Harry Helmsley died earlier this week, which is actually a small price to pay to finally get away from Leona.

1/17/97
The New York Rangers debuted their new third uniform this week, but they quickly discovered that their fans were still able to recognize them by their lousy play. Rangers GM announced that if the team continues to play poorly on home ice against bad teams, their next step would be to enter the Federal Witness Protection Program.

2/21/97
New York’s Senator Al D’Amato was in hot water this week when it was revealed that he transferred $1.9 million from a Republican campaign fund directly into the campaign of George Pataki during Pataki’s run for governor. Republicans aren’t mad that D’Amato transferred the money, they just feel that for $1.9 million he could have gotten them someone better than George Pataki.

Five Long Island housewives were busted this week for being part of an international drug ring. Apparently they hid the drugs in pouches sewn into New York Islander jackets, and airport officials were always too busy snickering at the Islanders silly logo to think about searching the women for drugs.

2/27/97
A gunman opened fire at the Empire State Building this weekend. Unfortunately, neither of the buildings owners, Donald Trump and Leona Helmsley, were there at the time.

3/14/97
New York City Police Commissioner Howard Safir was hospitalized for emergency double-bypass surgery last week. Mayor Giuliani immediately put a positive spin on things, claiming that under previous mayors Safir would have required triple or possibly even quadruple bypass surgery, so that’s just one more thing that’s gotten better since he was elected.

3/21/97
New York Governor George Pataki gave a speech in Ohio this week and earned $15,000, which is kind of funny because that’s about what the average New Yorker would be willing to pay if the Governor would just shut up.

3/28/97
I was pouring milk on my cereal the other day and whose picture did I see on the carton but the Rangers’ offense.

4/4/97
This week a Federal judge recommended that to end a decades-long dispute, New York and New Jersey should agree to split Ellis Island. New York, unfortunately, must still keep sole possession of Al D’Amato.

4/18/97
New York City officials announced plans to introduce into the city’s ecosystem several species that have been missing for many decades. Starting in May, chipmunks will be placed in Central Park; woodchucks will be placed in the Bronx; box turtles will be placed in Brooklyn; and nonpartisan, rational politicians will be placed in the city government.

New York Governor George Pataki alerted his Lt. Governor, Betsy McCaughey Ross, by letter that he would be dropping her from the ticket during his reelection campaign in 1998. State officials are not sure if the letter is really binding, however, since no one said, “D’Amato Says,” before it was sent.

5/2/97
I saw “Volcano” last weekend. Even filled with molten lava the LA subway stations looked nicer than my local 6 train stop.

5/9/97
New York City Mayor Rudy Giuliani appears in this week’s “Amazing Spider-Man” newspaper strip asking Spider-Man to help him defeat an undead creature from the past who is rampaging through the city causing serious damage to Giuliani’s reputation. We’ll find out this Sunday if Spidey is willing to help the Mayor, and if their combined forces will be enough to silence former Mayor Ed Koch’s criticism of Giuliani’s policies.

5/16/97
Tgreen’s Top Ten Reasons Godzilla Came To New York:
10. Hopes to catch Marla Maples Trump on the rebound
9. Heard about the Happy Friday party
8. Wants to stop “Live with Regis and Kathie Lee” once and for all
7. George Steinbrenner wanted a second Japanese pitcher
6. Looking to get back the ten bucks King Kong owes him
5. Can’t be the scariest monster ever until he takes on Leona Helmsley
4. Big craving for street-vendor hot dogs
3. Wants to renew his subscription to the New York Post
2. Needs to put some money into a 401(k) plan now or he’ll never have enough when he’s ready to retire
1. Hot date with the Statue of Liberty

5/30/97
Senator Al D’Amato nominated a blind judge to a federal judgeship in New York this week. Now he just needs judges who speak no evil and hear no evil and he can do whatever he wants.

6/13/97
The Walt Disney company is holding a huge Electrical Parade in honor of the world premiere of Hercules this weekend. The lineup of floats will travel down 42nd Street this weekend, and in honor of Disney’s new Times Square location, several new characters will premiere at the parade. Among them are the new Dwarves Gropey, Druggie, Horny and Rudy.

7/3/97
A recent survey showed that New York City is the number 1 city that people want to move to from other parts of the country. Surprisingly, most of them said the main reason they want to move here is to vote against Al Sharpton in this year’s Mayoral election.

8/8/97
Tgreen’s Top Ten Ways New York Celebrated Garth Brooks Day:
10. Spitoons on the subway
9. Police force replaced by rodeo clowns
8. Street vendors have special sale on Buffalo kabobs
7. Squeegee guys decked out in chaps and spurs
6. Detectives encouraged to hog-tie suspects
5. Yellow cabs replaced by hay rides
4. Subway announcements begin with “Y’all”
3. Cow tipping on Wall Street
2. Traffic signals changed to “Twostep,” “Don’t Twostep” signs
1. Mayor Giuliani sports special 10-gallon comb-over

9/12/97
The Reverend Al Sharpton forced a run-off election in this week’s primaries to see who will challenge Mayor Giuliani in this November’s elections. In related news, the Devil was seen buying a scarf and some warm mittens, just in case.

The Statue of Liberty was closed last Sunday due to strange odors caused by a sewage problem, which is odd because they sure don’t close New Jersey for essentially the same problem.

9/26/97
Tgreen’s Top Ten New York Autumn Activities:
10. Help corner hot dog vendor finish off June hot dog shipment
9. Practice “Wait ’til next year” chant with Giants fans
8. Paint taxicabs with festive jack o lantern designs
7. Help put leg warmers on the Statue of Liberty
6. Ride the Staten Island Ferry in a Pilgrim costume and then wander lower Manhattan asking where Plymouth Rock is
5. Forget about apple picking, do some pocket picking instead
4. Return those New York Mets World Series tickets
3. Run on down to McDonalds for some “Pumpkin McNuggets”
2. Go bobbing for subway tokens
1. Rake leaves from Mayor Giuliani’s comb-over

10/10/97
New York’s Mayor Giuliani paid off a bet with Cleveland’s mayor by sending him 10 pounds of striped bass from the East River. Ten pounds of fish from the East River?!? What was Cleveland going to send if the Indians lost, a 10-pound jar of cyanide?

Tgreen’s Top Ten Reasons For This Week’s Warm Weather In New York:
10. Steam from under George Steinbrenner’s collar got loose
9. Someone left the door open at my dad’s house and that does heat the whole neighborhood after all
8. Leftover hot air from the Giuliani/Messinger debate
7. Donald Trump’s deal with the Devil altered to include young blonde girlfriends and heatwave in October
6. Extra heat generated by bonfire of unnecessary Yankee World Series tickets
5. All corner hot dog vendors went in for annual water changing at the same time
4. Galactic forces thrown into chaos due to 4-2 record of New York Jets
3. Secret Transit Authority subway heater accidentally pointing the wrong way
2. Heat turned up so the Rolling Stones don’t catch a chill while performing here next week
1. Bill Gates’ Microsoft Autumn still has a couple of bugs in it

11/7/97
Tgreen’s Top Ten Ways Rudy Giuliani Celebrated His Reelection:
10. Painted comb-over red, white and blue
9. Had cops write loitering ticket for the Statue of Liberty
8. Gave George Steinbrenner a big, wet kiss
7. Stuck a few pins in his Ed Koch voodoo doll
6. Visited some important constituents backstage at Scores
5. Climbed to the top of the World Trade Center and mooned New Jersey
4. Left obscene message on David Dinkins’ answering machine
3. Ordered the police force to start wearing these snappy brown shirts he got on sale
2. Planned invasion of Poland
1. Promised that the trains would run on time

1/16/98
New York’s Mayor Rudy Giuliani announced this week that he wants to crack down on jaywalkers and will force pedestrians to only cross at intersections and only at green lights. After he accomplishes this, Giuliani said he will part the East River, send a swarm of locusts into New Jersey, and slay a giant with the jawbone of a Pataki.

1/23/98
Two New Yorkers set a world’s record for fastest trip through the entire subway system this week. They visited all 469 stations in 25 hours and 11 minutes, which is only about 3 hours longer than the average evening commute on the 2 train.

1/28/98
Chinese New Yorkers marked their New Year without their traditional fireworks due to a city fireworks ban. Critics complain that the fireworks law is not fair and point to a recent Rolling Stones concert where fireworks were used as an example. They say that the Chinese should also be allowed to use fireworks because their New Year has been celebrated for the last 4696 years, while the Rolling Stones have only been around for about half that long.

Two New York City subway cars collided on an elevated track this week derailing several cars and starting a fire. Fortunately, with the new Metrocard you get 11 derailments for the price of 10.

2/20/98
New York State Lt. Governor Betsy McCaughey Ross had a scare when her rented plane lost an engine, hit the ground and caught fire shortly after takeoff. In a statement, Governor Pataki said he had no idea how that wrench and those bolts got into his office.

In trying to calm us down, the police are saying that New York is fully prepared to deal with any kind of gas attack in the subways. I’d feel a lot more confident about that if they could just show us they can get rid of that funky smell the subway has every summer.

3/6/98
New York City Mayor Rudy Giuliani has written a childrens’ book about what kids can be when they grow up. Among the possibilities suggested by the mayor are: player on the New York Yankees, opera singer, cop, fireman, lord and master of all you survey to the point where you can have someone executed for jaywalking in front of City Hall…bwah-hah-hah-hah-hah! Oh, sorry, that last one came not from Giuliani’s childrens’ book but from his personal diary.

3/13/98
And finally, New York City mayor Rudy Giuliani appeared on stage at a press banquet dressed as the Beast from “Beauty and the Beast,” where he performed a version of “Be Our Guest” that went a little something like this:

It’s my hair
That I wear
Not some wig
That needs repair

It will sit there
Where I comb it
With some Brylcreem
And a prayer

3/27/98
And finally, Mayor Giuliani has a new plan to give the best beat cops a $1,400 bonus. The Patrolman’s Benevolent Association has come out against the plan, saying that it will discriminate against cops doing other kinds of work. Coming out strongly in favor of the plan is Dunkin’ Donuts, for what a company spokesman said were “obvious reasons.”

Tgreen’s Top Ten Signs It’s Spring In New York:
10. Local weather forecasters ditch frowny snowflake graphic and start using smiley sun graphic
9. George Steinbrenner fires Old Man Winter
8. Hot dog vendors start wearing t-shirts and shorts…and hairnets for their arms and legs
7. Mallomar hoarding begins at local supermarkets
6. Storeowners put up signs proving there are lots of different ways to spell “matzo”
5. Scientists announce they still don’t know what the hell is in the center of the Cadbury Creme Egg
4. Tgreen does this same damn Top Ten List
3. Donald Trump explains to his latest girlfriend that the Easter Bunny isn’t real
2. New York Mets take the first of 162 shots at mediocrity
1. Mayor Giuliani dyes his combover a festive pastel color

4/17/98
Hello everyone and welcome to the end of a pretty weird week here in New York City. First off we had that 500-lb steel joint fall from the ceiling at Yankee Stadium, which when you think about it was probably the heaviest thing to fall at the Stadium since George Steinbrenner slipped in his luxury box.

4/28/98
Tgreen’s Top Ten Ways To Tell You’re Watching the Playoffs:
10. Pat Riley breaks out the lucky tube of Brylcreem
9. Refs look the other way for everything short of a stick forced through the esophagus
8. Daily appearance of Spike Lee during postgame highlights
7. ESPN announcers contractually required to utter the phrase “Lord Stanley” every 6 minutes
6. Last 30 seconds of the basketball game take 10 minutes to play instead of the usual 5
5. Sudden glut of post-game interviews with Esa Tikkanen
4. Knick players start practicing their post season excuses during timeouts
3. Martin Brodeur coughs up overtime goal
2. Color Commentator’s every story somehow mentions Michael Jordan
1. No more Islander games on TV

5/1/98
Tgreen’s Top Ten Other Things Rudy Giuliani Plans To Take Credit For:
10. Hiding vital national security secrets under his comb over
9. Keeping the Jets the hell out of New York
8. Having Danny Bonaduce on the radio here prevents other washed-up former TV stars like Todd Bridges or Jerry Mathers from getting their own shows
7. Unusually warm winter that kept subways extra-fragrant all year long
6. Al Roker hasn’t broken out of the Today show set and eaten innocent bystanders yet
5. Unexpected high draft pick for New York Rangers this year
4. Average citizens can walk right up to the City Hall steps and probably not get shot on sight
3. Miniskirts along Broadway
2. Donald Trump doesn’t own the whole town yet
1. Everyone in the city is no more than 10 blocks from Chinese take out at 3 AM

5/8/98
You know, I think Knicks fans all over the city were excited over the prospect of getting the “old Patrick Ewing” back for the playoffs until they realized that the “old Patrick Ewing” never actually won a championship either.

5/22/98
Yankee pitcher David Wells pitched a perfect game this week, and to honor him Mayor Giuliani gave Wells the key to the city. Wells proceeded to use the key to open up the city’s liquor cabinet.

12/4/98
New York’s Transit Authority announced this week that is has a $379 million surplus. This money is now expected to pay for 112 new subway cars, 173 new buses, and 800 new panhandlers.

12/11/98
Tgreen’s Top Ten Ways Christmas Would Be Different If Rudy Giuliani Was In Charge:
10. All elves had better be able to show proof of citizenship or they ain’t working this year
9. Frosty the Snowman constantly busted for loitering
8. No more looking under the Christmas tree for gifts — now you look under the Christmas combover
7. During the month of December, all crime scenes will be roped-off with garland instead of police tape
6. He knows when you’ve been sleeping, he knows when you’re awake, he knows when you’re turnstile jumping, he knows when you’re jaywalking, he knows when you’re littering, he knows when…oh, never mind
5. Manger scene will be locked behind concrete barriers for security purposes
4. New task force formed to break up mistletoe smuggling ring
3. Twelve days of Christmas now cut down to eight for budgetary reasons
2. New reindeer games facility to be built on West Side of Manhattan
1. “Decking the halls” now a quality of life violation

1/8/99
Can you believe this? People are saying that First Lady (at least for the time being) Hillary Clinton would be a great candidate for Pat Moynihan’s Senate seat when Moynihan retires in 2001. To qualify, Hillary would have to establish a New York address and I hear that she’s interested in doing so. Bill was also interested in moving to New York until he heard that we cleaned up Times Square.

2/5/99
And if you need another reason to love this place, New York is probably the only city where you can hear a news report about a bridge that’s collapsing that includes the quote, “…but it’s not too dangerous because only part of the bridge is falling into the river…” We just don’t scare easy here.

8/27/99
Tgreen’s Top Ten Unexpected Sights During Yesterday’s Storm:
10. Homeless people huddling near the subway tracks enjoying a heaping bowl of ‘Subway Platform Stew’
9. West Side hookers for once complaining about getting wet
8. Mayor Giuliani trying to float Yankee Stadium down to the West Side of Manhattan
7. Cab drivers stranded on FDR taking the chance to get their weekly baths in a little early
6. A visiting President Clinton offering to help by looking for the dyke and asking if he had to use his finger
5. Celine Dion singing that goddamn ‘My Heart Will Go On’ song as city bus sinks into giant pothole on 6th Ave
4. Soaked pedestrians huddling from the rain in the doorway of an electronics store despite the fact that every TV in the window was tuned in to ‘The View’
3. Hot dog vendors building a life-saving dam out of stale buns and knishes
2. Metro North commuters each being handed a paddle for the commute home
1. Long-time New Yorker Hillary Clinton using her carpetbag as a floatation device

10/1/99
So the encephalitis-bearing mosquitoes have moved from the city to Westchester and Connecticut? Fucking yuppie bugs.

10/29/99
Tgreen’s Top Ten Things To Watch For At The New York Yankees Ticker Tape Parade:
10. Mayor Giuliani taking yet another opportunity to fit his entire head up Steinbrenner’s ass
9. The snappy dish who climbed on my shoulders during the 1986 Mets parade still trying in vain to find me again
8. Darryl Strawberry looking to party like it’s 1999
7. Yogi Berra looking to party like it’s 1959
6. Lead float eluding Jets defense and scoring late fourth quarter TD
5. Derek Jeter receiving more marriage proposals than you’ve had dates
4. Lifelong Yankee fan Hillary Clinton accidentally referring to every black player as “Sammy Sosa”
3. Pete Rose betting on who gives the longest speech
2. Newspaper headline announcing that hell has frozen over (Sorry, that’s one of Tgreen’s Top Ten Things To Watch For At The New York Rangers Ticker Tape Parade)
1. Al Gore bragging on how he invented the Ticker Tape Parade

12/10/99
Did you see the latest news from the Fulton Fish Market? Apparently they’ve been selling fish caught in polluted New York waters to local restaurants. They would have gotten away with it too, if Jimmy Hoffa’s cufflink hadn’t turned up in someone’s Filet-O-Fish.

6/23/00
And speaking of turning things around a bit, a short while back Mayor Giuliani, in the span of like a week, announced he had prostate cancer, announced he had a girlfriend, announced he was getting a divorce, and announced he wasn’t running for the Senate after all. In fact, we soon learned that while he was married he’d actually had at least two affairs, which made me wonder if he really had prostate cancer or if, in fact, he’d simply worn the damn thing out.

9/15/00
Rats. Rats, rats, rats, rats, rats. Am I trying to sneak a subliminal message past you all? Nope. I’m just describing my morning commute on the subway.

9/22/00
You know, I watched another Rick Lazio speech this week and I really think he might be a good candidate once he goes through puberty.

10/20/00
Tgreen’s Top Ten Advantages To A Subway Series:
10. It really pisses off Ted Turner
9. Chinatown sweatshops get to add third shift to handle all the knockoff t-shirt manufacturing
8. Brooklyn Brewery offers special commemorative “bottle-throwing” 6-pack
7. Won’t have to turn on CNN’s Middle East coverage to see burning, flipped over cars and rioting in the streets — just look out your window
6. Duracell will break sales record on D batteries during Yankee home games
5. Long-time New Yorker Hillary Clinton won’t have to stray too far from home to enjoy some baseball
4. If you have a pulse, a baseball hat and an opinion, you can get interviewed on the local news!
3. No need for a 15-hour tape delay
2. At any given moment there’s a reason to show tape of the ball rolling through Buckner’s legs
1. First game, first inning, Mets up 1-0, Steinbrenner fires someone

11/8/00
And in bigger news, Hillary Clinton is the new junior Senator from New York State. I have to give Hillary credit. Most women, when they find out that their husbands are getting blowjobs on the side, get the TV, the car or even the house. Hillary got New York. That’s a hell of an accomplishment and she deserves congratulations.

It is funny that Rick Lazio barely got the word “concede” out of his mouth before Chuck Schumer jumped in front of the cameras to introduce Hillary. Somehow he managed not to trample any small children in his mad rush to get to the podium, but it wasn’t for lack of trying.

12/15/00
Ah, Christmas. Christmas in New York is a very special time. People come here from all over the world, looking to find the true spirit of Christmas. Well, I found it for them. Yes, I discovered the true spirit of Christmas about a week and a half ago when I noticed that some of Santa’s elves had visited Virgin Megastore and raised the price of every CD by a dollar from what they cost the week before. There’s the real spirit of Christmas, folks.

1/5/01
My favorite part of that display was when the mayor whipped out pictures he’d taken himself from a helicopter over the airport. It’s good to know that the mayor goes out on patrol in search of crimes. Now I know why he stopped the tours of the old subway station beneath City Hall. He’s turned it into his very own Batcave. Any night now we’ll see the Comb-over Signal in the sky.

1/19/01
Okay, so let me get this straight. Senator Hillary Clinton goes in for her first day of work representing New York State, and that very same morning New York City has an earthquake? What are we gonna get the first time she casts a vote, locusts?

It’s almost enough to make you miss Al D’Amato. Almost. I’d like to actually meet the locusts before I make a final decision.

2/2/01
I had a lot to do today, so I was going to ask my good buddy Kerry Collins to forward this e-mail for me, but then I realized the e-mail would probably get intercepted, so here I am.

Rudy Giuliani was also in the news this week after signing a $3 million contract to write two books. I’m gonna go out on a limb here and guess that neither one of them is a book on hair care.

5/4/01
In sports news, New York Jets owner Woody Johnson is allegedly considering moving the team to Los Angeles. Naturally, this idea is causing huge protests. In Los Angeles.

And there you have it, just a taste of Olde New York. I can remember those days like they were only 2 and a half months ago. Which they kind of were. I hope you enjoyed this look into the past, and if you didn’t I hope you aren’t pissed that I brought back some bad memories.

To put together this e-mail I compiled a 45 page document that included just about every New York-related joke I ever wrote in Happy Friday. Most of that document didn’t make the cut today (so if you were underwhelmed by this e-mail just keep in mind this was the best stuff and so it could’ve been much worse). While reading through all those old e-mails I was reminded of all the crap you folks have put up with over the last 6 years. Well, thanks for sticking around. As I seem to write every year, I’m not sure how much longer this e-mail will go on. I’m especially unsure these days, but I can promise that at least I’ll try to entertain you every week right here in this e-mail. The key word being “try”, so get off my back.

T “I’ve outlasted Bubba Clinton and Al D’Amato and Rudy Giuliani, so who’s next?” green
——————————————————————————-
All contents Copyright 2001, Tgreen
Next Wednesday we’ll have a little Thanksgiving humor, and you can probably start today by giving thanks that this e-mail is finally over.

“I’m going to New York City
I’ve never really been there, just like the way it sounds
I heard the girls are pretty
There must be something happening there it’s just too big a town”
s. earle

“The world won’t wait and I watched you shake
But honey, I don’t blame you
Hell, I still love you New York”
r. adams

Comments (0)

By Tgreen, March 2, 2012 10:27 am

Hello and welcome to a much shorter than usual edition of Happy Friday! You’re welcome.

Today is Employee Appreciation Day here in the US, and I know that for some of you, this revelation is little more than an excuse to gripe and moan about how little you’re actually appreciated at your job. And that’s okay. But maybe you’re appreciated more than you realize. Maybe your boss shows you appreciation in ways you’re just not seeing. It’s possible, right? If you don’t believe me now, I’m sure you will after you’ve read…

Tgreen’s Top Ten Ways Your Boss Shows Appreciation To You:

10. Keeps you on site for many extra hours every night just because she likes having you around
9. Fears you might fall victim to a Ponzi scheme of some sort if you had too much money just lying around, so he underpays you
8. Ensures you won’t catch some nasty bug in the bathroom by keeping it so dirty you wouldn’t spend a second longer in there than you actually had to
7. Helps boost the creative side of your brain by being so bad at her job you spend all day thinking up ways to eliminate her
6. Boosts your ego by surrounding you with idiots and guaranteeing you feel like the smartest one in the room
5. Provides no free snacks or drinks in the break room so that it’s easier for you to watch your weight
4. Promotes warm feeling of nostalgia by filling the workplace with the finest equipment 1998 had to offer
3. Keeps holidays and vacation time to a minimum so you don’t succumb to laziness
2. Practically guarantees you a spot in heaven by inspiring you to pray daily, “Lord, please send me to a better place than this”
1. Keeps you so busy you rarely have time to read crappy Top Ten lists during the day anyway

So there you have it, documented proof that under that crusty, cheap, half-insane exterior, your boss likes you. Your boss really, really likes you. Now stop your whining and get back to work.

T “this list is intended for comedic purposes only and any resemblance between items on this list and any real life situations is unintended and purely coincidental and I hope this disclaimer is enough to keep me out of trouble because I really need my job and I didn’t write this anyway, I copied it from my 3-year-old nephew, which is why it’s written better than usual” green

Comments (0)

By Tgreen, June 10, 2011 8:30 am

Hello everybody and welcome to Happy Friday, the weekly blog post that has chosen to define the word “weekly” as “appears whenever the hell I want it to” in order to not technically be lying about the schedule around here. But I need to be careful, because it’s just that kind of thinking that could accidentally get me into politics and apparently once you get into politics you’re contractually obligated to either send a picture of your underwear zone to your Twitter followers or be a hypocritical douche about every single point for the rest of your career. And frankly, Twitter’s already asked me to stop sending out those pictures on at least a half dozen occasions.

And speaking of underwear zone pictures, NY Congressman Anthony Weiner admitted this week that his Twitter account wasn’t hacked, as he originally claimed, and that he actually did send out a lewd picture of his weiner to one of his Twitter followers. But it could’ve been worse, since I’m told his nickname in college was “Taint,” so we probably all dodged a bullet on what kind of picture he could’ve sent out.

The day after Weiner held his press conference about the picture and vowed not to resign, news leaked that his wife is 3 months pregnant. Which is great, because if there’s one thing worse than living with a hellaciously pissed off wife, it’s probably living with a hellaciously pissed off wife who’s going through 9 months of hormone spikes. And ironically, it was Weiner’s weiner that caused this problem in the first place and then made it worse for him. What’s it going to do to him next, show up in a nightvision video with a Khardashian sister?

In other political news, this week GOP presidential contender Newt Gingrich saw his entire campaign staff resign at once. While this does seem to seriously damage the former House Speaker’s chances of getting elected, things could be worse. His staff could’ve told him it was leaving while he was laid up in the hospital fighting cancer. So look on the bright side, Newt.

This week rumors surfaced that Secretary of State Hillary Clinton is interested in leaving her post to take a job running the World Bank. And I have to say that during a week when the biggest news story involves a sex scandal and a penis, Hillary is not the Clinton whose name I would expect to turn up.

In sports news, this week in the NBA finals, the Miami Heat’s LeBron James has only scored about 4 more 4th quarter points than I have, which is probably not what Miami had been counting on when they signed him.

In other sports news, this week the NHL is also holding the Stanley Cup finals. And by writing that sentence , I may have just doubled the amount of coverage the NHL gets in the media at this time of year.

In entertainment news, reports say that work has begun on the script for The Hangover 3. Since that work mostly involves a search and replace on the Hangover 2 script to change the name of the city it takes place in, they could start shooting this masterpiece by next Tuesday afternoon.

Last night a Black Eyed Peas concert in Central Park had to be cancelled due to a torrential downpour, thus proving that sometimes Mother Nature is looking out for us after all, lack of daily tornado attacks on Ke$ha’s house notwithstanding.

New York City is partnering with AT&T to bring free WiFi to several city parks. Possibly including some that fall within Anthony Weiner’s district. So be careful if you get a tweet from him that promises a nature photo.

This week officials in Alaska are releasing 42,199 pages of emails from Sarah Palin’s half-term in office, nearly 3 years after they were originally requested. Officials explained the delay by claiming they wanted to release them 3 years ago but it just took this long for their spellchecker to fix all the mistakes that kept them from being readable.

And in Breaking News, the Happy Friday News Team has just read the first Sarah Palin email. The subject line says “I can haz VP job?” it would appear that 3 years wasn’t a long enough wait.

This week DC comics announced that it’s rebooting its entire line of comics this September, while at the same time making all new issues available to purchase digitally on the same day they’re released into stores. And in related news, several thousand men in their 20s and 30s announced that starting in September they have one less reason to ever leave the house.

As the whole Anthony Weiner story unfolded, the Congressman admitted that besides sending the one lewd picture that became public, he’d also been involved in online relationships with six other women, which immediately raised the question of what other pictures he might have been sending out. Question no longer, as you take a glance at…

Tgreen’s Top Ten Other Questionable Things Anthony Weiner Sent Out On Twitter:
10. Picture of him at Sarah Palin rally
9. Recipe for his version of McDonald’s special sauce
8. Picture of him in Wonder Woman Underoos
7. The five Ke$ha lyrics that have touched his soul
6. A hundred-page text file outlining how the 2009 Star Trek movie could not possibly have been connected to the original Star Trek universe
5. Autographed picture of Bill Clinton’s penis
4. Several poorly-written Top Ten lists attributed to someone named “Tgreen”
3. Map with directions to his three favorite Chili’s restaurants
2. Link to pirated version of upcoming Green Lantern movie that’s still missing most of its special effects shots and is therefore approximately 3 minutes long
1. Picture of Lady Gaga’s penis

And that’s all we have time for this week. Until next week (uh, yeah, sure, let’s go with that), stay cool, stay hydrated, stay the hell off of Twitter when you’re lounging around in your underwear and, as always, have a Happy Friday!

T “would it kill Heather Graham to send out a couple of lewd photos? I’m just saying” green

Comments (0)

By Tgreen, April 9, 2011 12:15 pm

On this special Saturday edition, we’re going back to Happy Friday’s humble roots. Back before the News Roundup and the rhymes and the infinite number of OJ jokes and Introduce Yourself and the Timmy Mooney Hall of Fame and the website and the comic strip and the blog and the busted-up hotel rooms and the drugs and the groupies and the sex tapes and the public fights and the dwindling sales and the stints in rehab and the jail sentences and the multiple parole violations and the failed comeback tours and the reality shows and the feuds and getting banned from Conan O’Brien’s new show and the failed live show and the comic book that got pulled because of some unintentional indecency and the unfortunate Happy Meal scandal and especially back before this rambling and slightly made-up paragraph started. Back to the very first Happy Friday, when it was nothing more than a Top Ten list about the then-current 1995 government shutdown.

We came close this time around. Really, really close. Down to the last hour, supposedly. I say “supposedly” because I’m pretty positive that they knew they were making a deal and just needed to stall long enough for John Boehner to stop blubbering, Barack Obama to get back from his local Communist Party meeting, and Rush Limbaugh to figure out exactly everything he hates about the deal so he can tell his audience on Monday what it’s supposed to think because otherwise how will it know?

However it happened, this time around they managed to avoid driving everything off the cliff. The players have all changed (thought somehow Newt Gingrich managed to make my Top Ten list both times), and maybe that’s the difference. But even though the government remains open for business (which is probably for the best because if the government was closed where were all those lobbyists going to hang out?), one result is the same as last time. And that result? Once again we get undeniable proof that we as a nation suck at electing politicians who will actually do the job we elected them to do, plus a lame Top Ten list explaining it all. Which part of that is worse? Only you can decide. So without further delay, let’s go old school with…

Tgreen’s Top Ten Reasons the US Government Almost Shut Down This Week:
10. All part of secret plan to lull Qadafi into a false sense of security
9. Everyone in Congress bought tickets to Charlie Sheen’s live show, was too busy winning to do any work
8. April Fool’s joke gone awry
7. Because Obama’s an America-hating socialist who won’t show us his birth certificate and is a closet union-loving Muslim liberal who doesn’t like the Easter Bunny, or something
6. Someone on Fox News said it was a good idea
5. Because the government almost shuts down any time someone says Newt Gingrich’s name 3 times on Meet the Press
4. They finally ran out of ways to be useless, and needed time to come up with some new ones
3. No one wants to be on duty once the inevitable international incidents stemming from filming The Jersey Shore in Italy start rolling in
2. Latest budget plan smudged until it’s illegible by John Boehner’s tears
1. Heard Trump wants to run it and figured it was safer to just hide out until he loses interest

Of course, since the government actually did shut down before, and since that did inspire the original Happy Friday email way back in 1995, here’s your chance to see what’s changed in the last 15 1/2 years (not much, because I’d have used an OJ joke in today’s list if I could’ve gotten away with it) and to judge if I’ve gotten any funnier in the last 15 1/2 years (not really, because I’d have used an OJ joke in today’s list if I could’ve gotten away with it). Take a look at the very first Happy Friday Top Ten list…

And now, The Top Ten Reasons the US Government Shut Down Tuesday:
10. Bill Clinton sent all 800,000 government employees home to watch an Elvis movie marathon on TBS.
9. National holiday declared for “Screw the Poor Week.”
8. Bob Dole lost his pen and won’t let the government offices open up until he finds it.
7. Due to a lawsuit, Congress had to fire everyone who’d ever been hit on by Senator Packwood.
6. Local theater started half-price matinee of Ace Ventura 2.
5. Government employees ran out of Post-it notes, paper clips, and scissors to pilfer from office supply rooms.
4. Hillary said so.
3. Newt Gingrich fired everyone who didn’t buy his book.
2. New David Hasselhoff album went on sale.
1. Rumor spread that OJ was in town with a little time to kill.

Now get back to the rest of your day secure in the knowledge that we have a government that’s as efficient and productive today as we had yesterday (uh, wait, what?) and have a Happy, er, Saturday!

T “editing on the fly” green

Comments (0)

By Tgreen, December 24, 2010 12:03 pm

Some years get so hectic that the sound of “Ho, Ho, Ho!” is actually drowned out by the labored gasps bursting from your chest as you try to wrap up all your last-minute holiday errands. But no matter how crazy things get, your reward is a nice, relaxing Christmas with family and friends, right? Maybe. Or maybe instead you’ll end up experiencing something from…

Tgreen’s Top Ten Signs Christmas Isn’t Going So Well:
10. Accidentally gave wife’s gift to mom, and mom’s gift to wife, and neither one of them noticed
9. Egg nog + new Wii Fit = trip to emergency room
8. Mistletoe belt buckle attracts unwanted attention from your sister’s aggressive cat
7. Gingerbread house gets foreclosed before you can eat it
6. Slightly-confused aunt thought she was getting you tickets to Spider-Man: Turn Off the Dark, actually got you tickets to Batman & Robin: Turn Down the Bed
5. Everyone’s stocking stuffed with coal from mine in Chile
4. 1966-era fruitcake bought on eBay as a joke suddenly promoted to dessert
3. Children insist on marathon playing of A Very Bieber Christmas album
2. Best gift you got was copy of Sarah Palin’s new book
1. Most party guests spend day discussing next year’s trip to Mecca

Now go on and finish wrapping your presents, mixing your egg nog, trimming your tree, decking your halls, and be sure to have a Happy Friday and, of course, a Merry Christmas!

T “holly jolly” green

Comments (0)

By Tgreen, October 22, 2010 1:58 pm

Hello and welcome to Happy Friday!, the weekly blog post that actually appears on a schedule so random that the odds of it actually appearing on a Friday are somehow even worse than 1 in 7.

This week Apple CEO announced record profits for the last quarter, saw the price of Apple shares go above $300, unveiled 2 new MacBook Air models, gave a sneak peek at the next version of the Mac OS, and then met with President Obama to discuss the economy and technology. And he did it all while maintaining one of the top 5 best farms in Farmville.

About the only thing Jobs didn’t do was head on up to his secret base on the moon. Or did he?

This week the Vatican announced that Homer Simpson is, in fact, Catholic, which makes sense because why wouldn’t Homer belong to a religion where they give out free wine every week? Though mostly I think the Vatican announced this just to fuck with the next Dan Brown novel.

It’s good the Vatican cleared this up, because this is exactly the kind of important issue Catholics the world over want the Church to spend time on.

Penthouse publisher Bob Guccione died this week. To honor his memory, men of a certain age will be flying at half mast this weekend.

Former President George W Bush indicated this week that he sees not privatizing Social Security as the biggest failure of his eight years in office. This is a surprising choice, since it doesn’t even make most people’s Top 100 list of his biggest failures.

I guess maybe he considers his second biggest failure to be not finding enough reasons to give speeches while wearing a flight suit. And his third not being awesome enough.

Radio host Rush Limbaugh this week spent some time talking about pictures of President Obama that made the President, in Limbaugh’s words, look “demonic”. Left unsaid was whether the demonic Obama in any way resembled whatever demon Limbaugh signed his soul away to in exchange for the big radio ratings and the gigantic bad of Oxycontin he used to have delivered to the house every month.

New research shows that the popular story of the Mayan calendar predicting the end of the world on December 12, 2012 may actually be based on a miscalculation. According to the latest calculations, the world won’t end on December 12, 2012 but will actually end on whatever day the New York Jets appear closest to winning a Super Bowl game.

It was announced this week that President Obama will be appearing on the cable show Mythbusters. Given the way things have gone for him since he got elected, the only way he could appear on a more unfortunately-titled show would be if he was a guest on something like Hooray For The Bestest President Ever Who Has Saved The World And Made The Universe Better For Us All, Yay!, and for better or worse, FOX News canceled that show as soon as Bush left office.

This week Sony announced it’s finally stopping production of the cassette Walkman, once someone realized the calendar hanging in the production factory was left over from 1987.

In a new memoir by a former chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, it was revealed this week that during the Clinton presidency, the codes required to launch a nuclear strike were actually misplaced for several months. Though the most logical conclusion to draw is that Hillary was holding on to them in case Bill got out of line again after the whole Monica fiasco.

Scientists revealed this week that they’ve observed the oldest object in the universe. To do this, they tuned their television to CNN at 9PM Eastern time and there it was, conducting an interview with Snooki.

In other science news, NASA recently unveiled the results of last year’s experiment to find water on the moon, and it turns out there’s a lot more ice and water up there than previously believed. Almost enough, in fact, to serve up cocktails to any aliens drawn here by this…

httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jOVc4TMjHpk

Millions of TV viewers in the NYC area have been missing out on entertainment and sports programming since FOX pulled its channels from Cablevision due to a payment dispute. Picking a side in a conflict like this is kind of like trying to decide who to root for in a fight between the guy who raped you in the prison shower and the guy who shanked you in the prison cafeteria. In other words, you’re screwed no matter who wins.

Fast food mecca McDonald’s recently announce that it’s bringing back the McRib to most of its locations for a limited time starting in November. They’re so excited they’re working on a huge advertising push to make sure everyone has a chance to sample the processed pork sandwich. Of course, when you’re trying so hard to advertise, there’s always a chance you’re gonna burn through some bad ideas before you get to the winning one, as you can see here in…

Tgreen’s Top Ten Rejected McDonald’s McRib slogans:
10. McRib: Those rumors that it tastes just like Soylent Green are totally untrue and slanderous!
9. McRib: We devised a whole Man vs Food challenge around it that got rejected because it didn’t meet the “Food” criteria!
8. McRib: Now at least 87% mouse-carcass-free, give or take a couple of percentage points!
7. McRib: Each McRib grown organically in a lab in Brazil’s rainforest!
6. McRib: Buy one today or we bring back the Shamrock Shake!
5. McRib: The McRib’s special meat is even more special than the special sauce in the Big Mac!
4. McRib: Have It Your Way, as long as your way involves throwing a whole pig into a blender!
3. McRib: Buy two; it’s the tastiest murder/suicide method around!
2. McRib: You can’t handle the truth!
1. McRib: Guess who’s cornered the market on pig anus again!

And that’s all we have time for this week. Until next time, stop eating all the candy you bought to hand out to trick-or-treaters, put the finishing touches on that “The Situation” costume you’re planning to wear, accept the fact that just because you want a scary Halloween lawn doesn’t mean you can bury grandpa out there, and, most importantly, have a Happy Friday!

Comments (0)

By Tgreen, October 8, 2010 1:08 pm

Hello and welcome to Happy Thursday!, the blog post that apparently doesn’t care what day it is anymore and will show up whenever the hell it pleases. Kind of like that creepy ex you used to have, except with less liquor and crying.

But not that much less. And now, on to the news…

Drinking a little alcohol during pregnancy is okay for many women, according to a new study commissioned by the Association to Create More NASCAR Fans.

Doctors are working on a new chart to help pregnant women drink safely under these new guidelines. The chart will show how many drinks you can drink before you give birth to, say, a George W. Bush, or how many more you’d have to drink to give birth to a Sarah Palin, or how many more you’d have to drink before you could give birth to the next winner of CBS’s Big Brother.

One of the Pope’s scientists said this week that he would look forward getting the chance to baptize an intelligent extraterrestrial being. Left out of that equation is the fact that if the extraterrestrial was intelligent enough to speak, it would probably have to decline the baptism on the grounds that it’s already a practicing Scientologist. Though if it was really an intelligent alien, it would’ve turned right around once it picked up on this:

httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jOVc4TMjHpk

That story does make me wonder about the guy it quotes, though. “Pope’s scientist” sounds about as likely a position as “Hitler’s rabbi,” doesn’t it? I mean, it’s not like the Church and science have ever friended each other on Facebook, you know.

In an attempt to separate itself from the liberal-leaning cable TV network, MSNBC.com is considering changing its name. Top choice so far? WedontevenknowKeithOlbermann.com.

In a new NBA Jam video game for the Wii, there’s apparently an unlockable team of Democrats, featuring President Barack Obama, Joe Biden, Bill and Hillary Clinton, and Al Gore, as well as a team of Republicans that includes George W. Bush, Sarah Palin, John McCain and Dick Cheney. The game’s creators say that you can create matchups between any combination of players and politicians, but they add that the game box will include a warning about how not to hold the Wii controller if you’re playing as Bill Clinton, for what they term “obvious reasons.”

In sports news, in Game 1 of the National League Division Series, Philadelphia Phillies pitcher Roy Halladay threw only the second no-hitter in postseason play against the Cincinnati Reds. But it’s not all bad news, Reds fans. On the bright side, Pete Rose won a couple of bucks on the game.

And in other sports news, it was recently reported that at this year’s Commonwealth Games, being hosted in India, they’re using large monkeys to police the event areas to keep out smaller monkeys. Which seems like a good idea until you consider that the only reason the smaller monkeys were even there is because they were being used to keep out weasels, who’d originally been brought in to keep out cockroaches, who were only there in the first place to keep away New York Jets fans. And that’s kind of ironic because as it turns out, if the large monkeys get out of hand, the only way to get rid of them is to turn some horny, liquored-up New York Jets fans on them.

Of course, you have to wonder who thought it was a good idea to put the monkeys in charge of security in the first place, as this closed-circuit footage from the Commonwealth Games shows…

httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QyKTAyPcnPg

In religion news, a recent study showed that on a 32-question test about religion, atheists and agnostics scored better than religious believers did, with Roman Catholics doing the worst. Which just goes to prove you don’t need book learnin’ to hate on the gays.

The Wall Street Journal this week reported rumors that Apple has begun work on its next iPhone, possibly to be called the iPhone 5. This, of course, is the journalistic equivalent to reporting rumors that the sun will come up tomorrow. Here’s another hot tech tip for you, WSJ: Apple’s also working on the iPhone 6 and probably has some notes written down for iPhone 7 and 8. You guys can quote me on that. You’re welcome.

In New York City this week, the MTA increased mass transit fares by 17%. But in an attempt to make sure they provide something extra to their customers, the MTA announced that it will also be increasing subway delays, garbled station announcements, and in-car deodorant failures by the same 17%.

A story in The Nation claims that former CNN anchor Lou Dobbs, whose anti-illegal-immigrant stand defined his show for many years, actually employed illegal aliens himself at his horse farm. Dobbs said in response that if there were illegal aliens working on his farm, he didn’t hire them and he didn’t know about it, but he immediately began building a 30′ tall fence around his property to prevent the illegals from ever working for him again.

This week UPS announced it would be hiring 50,000 temp workers for the upcoming holiday season, which ultimately creates 100,000 jobs. 50,000 UPS jobs, and 50,000 brown-shirt-manufacturing jobs, which is good, because the latter industry is still trying to recover from its 1945 collapse.

This week marked the start of the MLB playoffs, which is an exciting time if your team is still playing October baseball, and a big sports void if you root for the Mets or the Pirates or the Cubs or the Angels or any of the other teams that are usually parked in front of the TV by this part of the season. So what if you are one of those unlucky fans without a team in the playoffs? Is there anything you can do to ease the sting of another lost season? Of course there is, as you’ll see when you check out…

Tgreen’s Top Ten Things A Baseball Fan Can Do To Avoid The MLB Playoffs:
10. Buy the latest Strat-O-Matic, put together a team of the best, most exclusive players, beat up on your friends’ teams (aka “pulling a Yankees”)
9. Introduce yourself to those small humans wandering around your house who’ve been calling you “daddy” since April
8. Rent the DVD set that covers the last time your team won a World Series and watch that over an over (Cubs fans, you’re gonna have to rent the teletype)
7. Buy a 6-pack, hunker down in front of the TV, and yell at the officiating on Dancing With The Stars
6. Tune in to the start of the NHL season (fans of the Rangers, Islanders, Coyotes or Ducks might want to skip this one just to avoid the same problem in April)
5. Call your doctor and tell him you don’t need the full strength cholesterol medicine anymore since you won’t be eating 3 hot dogs a day again until next Spring
4. Use the extra time to make your best “Wait ’til Next Year!” t-shirt design ever
3. Flip over to the NASCAR Chase, since you don’t really care about that either but at least you might see a car crash
2. Head on down to the theater to see Katherine Heigl in Life As We Kno oh wait, it’s already out on DVD
1. Have you met the NFL?

And that’s all we have time for this week. Be sure to come back next time for an official Happy Friday!, though I can’t guarantee what day of the week it’ll turn up.

T “ape shall never kill ape” green