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By Tgreen, March 2, 2012 10:27 am

Hello and welcome to a much shorter than usual edition of Happy Friday! You’re welcome.

Today is Employee Appreciation Day here in the US, and I know that for some of you, this revelation is little more than an excuse to gripe and moan about how little you’re actually appreciated at your job. And that’s okay. But maybe you’re appreciated more than you realize. Maybe your boss shows you appreciation in ways you’re just not seeing. It’s possible, right? If you don’t believe me now, I’m sure you will after you’ve read…

Tgreen’s Top Ten Ways Your Boss Shows Appreciation To You:

10. Keeps you on site for many extra hours every night just because she likes having you around
9. Fears you might fall victim to a Ponzi scheme of some sort if you had too much money just lying around, so he underpays you
8. Ensures you won’t catch some nasty bug in the bathroom by keeping it so dirty you wouldn’t spend a second longer in there than you actually had to
7. Helps boost the creative side of your brain by being so bad at her job you spend all day thinking up ways to eliminate her
6. Boosts your ego by surrounding you with idiots and guaranteeing you feel like the smartest one in the room
5. Provides no free snacks or drinks in the break room so that it’s easier for you to watch your weight
4. Promotes warm feeling of nostalgia by filling the workplace with the finest equipment 1998 had to offer
3. Keeps holidays and vacation time to a minimum so you don’t succumb to laziness
2. Practically guarantees you a spot in heaven by inspiring you to pray daily, “Lord, please send me to a better place than this”
1. Keeps you so busy you rarely have time to read crappy Top Ten lists during the day anyway

So there you have it, documented proof that under that crusty, cheap, half-insane exterior, your boss likes you. Your boss really, really likes you. Now stop your whining and get back to work.

T “this list is intended for comedic purposes only and any resemblance between items on this list and any real life situations is unintended and purely coincidental and I hope this disclaimer is enough to keep me out of trouble because I really need my job and I didn’t write this anyway, I copied it from my 3-year-old nephew, which is why it’s written better than usual” green

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By Tgreen, June 10, 2011 8:30 am

Hello everybody and welcome to Happy Friday, the weekly blog post that has chosen to define the word “weekly” as “appears whenever the hell I want it to” in order to not technically be lying about the schedule around here. But I need to be careful, because it’s just that kind of thinking that could accidentally get me into politics and apparently once you get into politics you’re contractually obligated to either send a picture of your underwear zone to your Twitter followers or be a hypocritical douche about every single point for the rest of your career. And frankly, Twitter’s already asked me to stop sending out those pictures on at least a half dozen occasions.

And speaking of underwear zone pictures, NY Congressman Anthony Weiner admitted this week that his Twitter account wasn’t hacked, as he originally claimed, and that he actually did send out a lewd picture of his weiner to one of his Twitter followers. But it could’ve been worse, since I’m told his nickname in college was “Taint,” so we probably all dodged a bullet on what kind of picture he could’ve sent out.

The day after Weiner held his press conference about the picture and vowed not to resign, news leaked that his wife is 3 months pregnant. Which is great, because if there’s one thing worse than living with a hellaciously pissed off wife, it’s probably living with a hellaciously pissed off wife who’s going through 9 months of hormone spikes. And ironically, it was Weiner’s weiner that caused this problem in the first place and then made it worse for him. What’s it going to do to him next, show up in a nightvision video with a Khardashian sister?

In other political news, this week GOP presidential contender Newt Gingrich saw his entire campaign staff resign at once. While this does seem to seriously damage the former House Speaker’s chances of getting elected, things could be worse. His staff could’ve told him it was leaving while he was laid up in the hospital fighting cancer. So look on the bright side, Newt.

This week rumors surfaced that Secretary of State Hillary Clinton is interested in leaving her post to take a job running the World Bank. And I have to say that during a week when the biggest news story involves a sex scandal and a penis, Hillary is not the Clinton whose name I would expect to turn up.

In sports news, this week in the NBA finals, the Miami Heat’s LeBron James has only scored about 4 more 4th quarter points than I have, which is probably not what Miami had been counting on when they signed him.

In other sports news, this week the NHL is also holding the Stanley Cup finals. And by writing that sentence , I may have just doubled the amount of coverage the NHL gets in the media at this time of year.

In entertainment news, reports say that work has begun on the script for The Hangover 3. Since that work mostly involves a search and replace on the Hangover 2 script to change the name of the city it takes place in, they could start shooting this masterpiece by next Tuesday afternoon.

Last night a Black Eyed Peas concert in Central Park had to be cancelled due to a torrential downpour, thus proving that sometimes Mother Nature is looking out for us after all, lack of daily tornado attacks on Ke$ha’s house notwithstanding.

New York City is partnering with AT&T to bring free WiFi to several city parks. Possibly including some that fall within Anthony Weiner’s district. So be careful if you get a tweet from him that promises a nature photo.

This week officials in Alaska are releasing 42,199 pages of emails from Sarah Palin’s half-term in office, nearly 3 years after they were originally requested. Officials explained the delay by claiming they wanted to release them 3 years ago but it just took this long for their spellchecker to fix all the mistakes that kept them from being readable.

And in Breaking News, the Happy Friday News Team has just read the first Sarah Palin email. The subject line says “I can haz VP job?” it would appear that 3 years wasn’t a long enough wait.

This week DC comics announced that it’s rebooting its entire line of comics this September, while at the same time making all new issues available to purchase digitally on the same day they’re released into stores. And in related news, several thousand men in their 20s and 30s announced that starting in September they have one less reason to ever leave the house.

As the whole Anthony Weiner story unfolded, the Congressman admitted that besides sending the one lewd picture that became public, he’d also been involved in online relationships with six other women, which immediately raised the question of what other pictures he might have been sending out. Question no longer, as you take a glance at…

Tgreen’s Top Ten Other Questionable Things Anthony Weiner Sent Out On Twitter:
10. Picture of him at Sarah Palin rally
9. Recipe for his version of McDonald’s special sauce
8. Picture of him in Wonder Woman Underoos
7. The five Ke$ha lyrics that have touched his soul
6. A hundred-page text file outlining how the 2009 Star Trek movie could not possibly have been connected to the original Star Trek universe
5. Autographed picture of Bill Clinton’s penis
4. Several poorly-written Top Ten lists attributed to someone named “Tgreen”
3. Map with directions to his three favorite Chili’s restaurants
2. Link to pirated version of upcoming Green Lantern movie that’s still missing most of its special effects shots and is therefore approximately 3 minutes long
1. Picture of Lady Gaga’s penis

And that’s all we have time for this week. Until next week (uh, yeah, sure, let’s go with that), stay cool, stay hydrated, stay the hell off of Twitter when you’re lounging around in your underwear and, as always, have a Happy Friday!

T “would it kill Heather Graham to send out a couple of lewd photos? I’m just saying” green

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By Tgreen, April 9, 2011 12:15 pm

On this special Saturday edition, we’re going back to Happy Friday’s humble roots. Back before the News Roundup and the rhymes and the infinite number of OJ jokes and Introduce Yourself and the Timmy Mooney Hall of Fame and the website and the comic strip and the blog and the busted-up hotel rooms and the drugs and the groupies and the sex tapes and the public fights and the dwindling sales and the stints in rehab and the jail sentences and the multiple parole violations and the failed comeback tours and the reality shows and the feuds and getting banned from Conan O’Brien’s new show and the failed live show and the comic book that got pulled because of some unintentional indecency and the unfortunate Happy Meal scandal and especially back before this rambling and slightly made-up paragraph started. Back to the very first Happy Friday, when it was nothing more than a Top Ten list about the then-current 1995 government shutdown.

We came close this time around. Really, really close. Down to the last hour, supposedly. I say “supposedly” because I’m pretty positive that they knew they were making a deal and just needed to stall long enough for John Boehner to stop blubbering, Barack Obama to get back from his local Communist Party meeting, and Rush Limbaugh to figure out exactly everything he hates about the deal so he can tell his audience on Monday what it’s supposed to think because otherwise how will it know?

However it happened, this time around they managed to avoid driving everything off the cliff. The players have all changed (thought somehow Newt Gingrich managed to make my Top Ten list both times), and maybe that’s the difference. But even though the government remains open for business (which is probably for the best because if the government was closed where were all those lobbyists going to hang out?), one result is the same as last time. And that result? Once again we get undeniable proof that we as a nation suck at electing politicians who will actually do the job we elected them to do, plus a lame Top Ten list explaining it all. Which part of that is worse? Only you can decide. So without further delay, let’s go old school with…

Tgreen’s Top Ten Reasons the US Government Almost Shut Down This Week:
10. All part of secret plan to lull Qadafi into a false sense of security
9. Everyone in Congress bought tickets to Charlie Sheen’s live show, was too busy winning to do any work
8. April Fool’s joke gone awry
7. Because Obama’s an America-hating socialist who won’t show us his birth certificate and is a closet union-loving Muslim liberal who doesn’t like the Easter Bunny, or something
6. Someone on Fox News said it was a good idea
5. Because the government almost shuts down any time someone says Newt Gingrich’s name 3 times on Meet the Press
4. They finally ran out of ways to be useless, and needed time to come up with some new ones
3. No one wants to be on duty once the inevitable international incidents stemming from filming The Jersey Shore in Italy start rolling in
2. Latest budget plan smudged until it’s illegible by John Boehner’s tears
1. Heard Trump wants to run it and figured it was safer to just hide out until he loses interest

Of course, since the government actually did shut down before, and since that did inspire the original Happy Friday email way back in 1995, here’s your chance to see what’s changed in the last 15 1/2 years (not much, because I’d have used an OJ joke in today’s list if I could’ve gotten away with it) and to judge if I’ve gotten any funnier in the last 15 1/2 years (not really, because I’d have used an OJ joke in today’s list if I could’ve gotten away with it). Take a look at the very first Happy Friday Top Ten list…

And now, The Top Ten Reasons the US Government Shut Down Tuesday:
10. Bill Clinton sent all 800,000 government employees home to watch an Elvis movie marathon on TBS.
9. National holiday declared for “Screw the Poor Week.”
8. Bob Dole lost his pen and won’t let the government offices open up until he finds it.
7. Due to a lawsuit, Congress had to fire everyone who’d ever been hit on by Senator Packwood.
6. Local theater started half-price matinee of Ace Ventura 2.
5. Government employees ran out of Post-it notes, paper clips, and scissors to pilfer from office supply rooms.
4. Hillary said so.
3. Newt Gingrich fired everyone who didn’t buy his book.
2. New David Hasselhoff album went on sale.
1. Rumor spread that OJ was in town with a little time to kill.

Now get back to the rest of your day secure in the knowledge that we have a government that’s as efficient and productive today as we had yesterday (uh, wait, what?) and have a Happy, er, Saturday!

T “editing on the fly” green

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By Tgreen, April 8, 2011 10:00 am

Hello everybody and welcome to Happy Friday! And just how happy a Friday is it? Well, we’ve got a possible government shutdown looming at midnight, so if you’re like me and you enjoy a good political trainwreck, then it’s pretty damn happy. But what if you’re not like me? Besides being one lucky son of a bitch, where can you go to see your concerns vented? Well, just for today, I’ve got you covered too. Today while we wait out those bastards in DC, let’s take a look at both sides of the story in double Top Ten list form. Which brings us to…

Tgreen’s Top Ten Reasons To Look Forward To A Government Shutdown:
10. No more FCC means someone can finally show Kim Kardashian’s sex tape, which is literally the only reason she ever got famous in the first place
9. How can your payment to the IRS be late if there’s no one there to take in the mail?
8. No government = no chance of ever having to say “President Gingrich”
7. Finally a political story to bump Obama’s birth certificate down a notch in importance (Fox News viewers can safely ignore this one)
6. Jay Leno can go back to his 1995 joke vault, thereby updating his nightly material by at least a decade
5. Vegas will start giving odds on who can resolve things first, Democrats and Republicans or NFL owners and players
4. Chances of us finding a fourth Middle East war to get involved in drop by at least 10%
3. No government means there’s one less thing for Sarah Palin to offer her “expert analysis” about
2. At least now Barack Obama will have some free time to start replying to all those “Congratulations!” emails he got back in November, 2008
1. Finally John Boehner has something to cry about

And if you don’t agree with all that, maybe you’ll agree with this…

Tgreen’s Top Ten Reasons This Government Shutdown Is A Terrible Idea:
10. Dick Cheney might finally be able to launch his takeover attempt from his secret base on the moon
9. Lack of new government news might mean Fox and MSNBC will have to start airing reruns from the Clinton and Bush years
8. We no longer have Larry King to ease us through this troubled time
7. That unemployment extension check isn’t gonna mail itself, you know
6. All those poor members of Congress who made this happen are going to lose their paychecks and might end up out on the streets…oh, wait
5. Bill Clinton could try to swing by the White House to check up on the current crop of interns
4. Canada might realize this would be the perfect time to launch their secret invasion plan
3. Anti-government crackpots are suddenly gonna have a lot of free time on their hands until they figure out who they’re supposed to hate now
2. Little-known Constitutional loophole reverts control of USA back to England if government shuts down for two weeks, and that might interfere with the Royal Wedding plans
1. Barack Obama will have plenty of free time to Photoshop himself a birth certificate

So there you have it, the pros and cons of the government shutdown, all in convenient Top Ten form. Now go on and do something productive for the rest of the day. If you can pry yourself away from Farmville long enough, that is.

T “point/counterpoint” green

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By Tgreen, October 22, 2010 1:58 pm

Hello and welcome to Happy Friday!, the weekly blog post that actually appears on a schedule so random that the odds of it actually appearing on a Friday are somehow even worse than 1 in 7.

This week Apple CEO announced record profits for the last quarter, saw the price of Apple shares go above $300, unveiled 2 new MacBook Air models, gave a sneak peek at the next version of the Mac OS, and then met with President Obama to discuss the economy and technology. And he did it all while maintaining one of the top 5 best farms in Farmville.

About the only thing Jobs didn’t do was head on up to his secret base on the moon. Or did he?

This week the Vatican announced that Homer Simpson is, in fact, Catholic, which makes sense because why wouldn’t Homer belong to a religion where they give out free wine every week? Though mostly I think the Vatican announced this just to fuck with the next Dan Brown novel.

It’s good the Vatican cleared this up, because this is exactly the kind of important issue Catholics the world over want the Church to spend time on.

Penthouse publisher Bob Guccione died this week. To honor his memory, men of a certain age will be flying at half mast this weekend.

Former President George W Bush indicated this week that he sees not privatizing Social Security as the biggest failure of his eight years in office. This is a surprising choice, since it doesn’t even make most people’s Top 100 list of his biggest failures.

I guess maybe he considers his second biggest failure to be not finding enough reasons to give speeches while wearing a flight suit. And his third not being awesome enough.

Radio host Rush Limbaugh this week spent some time talking about pictures of President Obama that made the President, in Limbaugh’s words, look “demonic”. Left unsaid was whether the demonic Obama in any way resembled whatever demon Limbaugh signed his soul away to in exchange for the big radio ratings and the gigantic bad of Oxycontin he used to have delivered to the house every month.

New research shows that the popular story of the Mayan calendar predicting the end of the world on December 12, 2012 may actually be based on a miscalculation. According to the latest calculations, the world won’t end on December 12, 2012 but will actually end on whatever day the New York Jets appear closest to winning a Super Bowl game.

It was announced this week that President Obama will be appearing on the cable show Mythbusters. Given the way things have gone for him since he got elected, the only way he could appear on a more unfortunately-titled show would be if he was a guest on something like Hooray For The Bestest President Ever Who Has Saved The World And Made The Universe Better For Us All, Yay!, and for better or worse, FOX News canceled that show as soon as Bush left office.

This week Sony announced it’s finally stopping production of the cassette Walkman, once someone realized the calendar hanging in the production factory was left over from 1987.

In a new memoir by a former chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, it was revealed this week that during the Clinton presidency, the codes required to launch a nuclear strike were actually misplaced for several months. Though the most logical conclusion to draw is that Hillary was holding on to them in case Bill got out of line again after the whole Monica fiasco.

Scientists revealed this week that they’ve observed the oldest object in the universe. To do this, they tuned their television to CNN at 9PM Eastern time and there it was, conducting an interview with Snooki.

In other science news, NASA recently unveiled the results of last year’s experiment to find water on the moon, and it turns out there’s a lot more ice and water up there than previously believed. Almost enough, in fact, to serve up cocktails to any aliens drawn here by this…

httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jOVc4TMjHpk

Millions of TV viewers in the NYC area have been missing out on entertainment and sports programming since FOX pulled its channels from Cablevision due to a payment dispute. Picking a side in a conflict like this is kind of like trying to decide who to root for in a fight between the guy who raped you in the prison shower and the guy who shanked you in the prison cafeteria. In other words, you’re screwed no matter who wins.

Fast food mecca McDonald’s recently announce that it’s bringing back the McRib to most of its locations for a limited time starting in November. They’re so excited they’re working on a huge advertising push to make sure everyone has a chance to sample the processed pork sandwich. Of course, when you’re trying so hard to advertise, there’s always a chance you’re gonna burn through some bad ideas before you get to the winning one, as you can see here in…

Tgreen’s Top Ten Rejected McDonald’s McRib slogans:
10. McRib: Those rumors that it tastes just like Soylent Green are totally untrue and slanderous!
9. McRib: We devised a whole Man vs Food challenge around it that got rejected because it didn’t meet the “Food” criteria!
8. McRib: Now at least 87% mouse-carcass-free, give or take a couple of percentage points!
7. McRib: Each McRib grown organically in a lab in Brazil’s rainforest!
6. McRib: Buy one today or we bring back the Shamrock Shake!
5. McRib: The McRib’s special meat is even more special than the special sauce in the Big Mac!
4. McRib: Have It Your Way, as long as your way involves throwing a whole pig into a blender!
3. McRib: Buy two; it’s the tastiest murder/suicide method around!
2. McRib: You can’t handle the truth!
1. McRib: Guess who’s cornered the market on pig anus again!

And that’s all we have time for this week. Until next time, stop eating all the candy you bought to hand out to trick-or-treaters, put the finishing touches on that “The Situation” costume you’re planning to wear, accept the fact that just because you want a scary Halloween lawn doesn’t mean you can bury grandpa out there, and, most importantly, have a Happy Friday!

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By Tgreen, October 8, 2010 1:08 pm

Hello and welcome to Happy Thursday!, the blog post that apparently doesn’t care what day it is anymore and will show up whenever the hell it pleases. Kind of like that creepy ex you used to have, except with less liquor and crying.

But not that much less. And now, on to the news…

Drinking a little alcohol during pregnancy is okay for many women, according to a new study commissioned by the Association to Create More NASCAR Fans.

Doctors are working on a new chart to help pregnant women drink safely under these new guidelines. The chart will show how many drinks you can drink before you give birth to, say, a George W. Bush, or how many more you’d have to drink to give birth to a Sarah Palin, or how many more you’d have to drink before you could give birth to the next winner of CBS’s Big Brother.

One of the Pope’s scientists said this week that he would look forward getting the chance to baptize an intelligent extraterrestrial being. Left out of that equation is the fact that if the extraterrestrial was intelligent enough to speak, it would probably have to decline the baptism on the grounds that it’s already a practicing Scientologist. Though if it was really an intelligent alien, it would’ve turned right around once it picked up on this:

httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jOVc4TMjHpk

That story does make me wonder about the guy it quotes, though. “Pope’s scientist” sounds about as likely a position as “Hitler’s rabbi,” doesn’t it? I mean, it’s not like the Church and science have ever friended each other on Facebook, you know.

In an attempt to separate itself from the liberal-leaning cable TV network, MSNBC.com is considering changing its name. Top choice so far? WedontevenknowKeithOlbermann.com.

In a new NBA Jam video game for the Wii, there’s apparently an unlockable team of Democrats, featuring President Barack Obama, Joe Biden, Bill and Hillary Clinton, and Al Gore, as well as a team of Republicans that includes George W. Bush, Sarah Palin, John McCain and Dick Cheney. The game’s creators say that you can create matchups between any combination of players and politicians, but they add that the game box will include a warning about how not to hold the Wii controller if you’re playing as Bill Clinton, for what they term “obvious reasons.”

In sports news, in Game 1 of the National League Division Series, Philadelphia Phillies pitcher Roy Halladay threw only the second no-hitter in postseason play against the Cincinnati Reds. But it’s not all bad news, Reds fans. On the bright side, Pete Rose won a couple of bucks on the game.

And in other sports news, it was recently reported that at this year’s Commonwealth Games, being hosted in India, they’re using large monkeys to police the event areas to keep out smaller monkeys. Which seems like a good idea until you consider that the only reason the smaller monkeys were even there is because they were being used to keep out weasels, who’d originally been brought in to keep out cockroaches, who were only there in the first place to keep away New York Jets fans. And that’s kind of ironic because as it turns out, if the large monkeys get out of hand, the only way to get rid of them is to turn some horny, liquored-up New York Jets fans on them.

Of course, you have to wonder who thought it was a good idea to put the monkeys in charge of security in the first place, as this closed-circuit footage from the Commonwealth Games shows…

httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QyKTAyPcnPg

In religion news, a recent study showed that on a 32-question test about religion, atheists and agnostics scored better than religious believers did, with Roman Catholics doing the worst. Which just goes to prove you don’t need book learnin’ to hate on the gays.

The Wall Street Journal this week reported rumors that Apple has begun work on its next iPhone, possibly to be called the iPhone 5. This, of course, is the journalistic equivalent to reporting rumors that the sun will come up tomorrow. Here’s another hot tech tip for you, WSJ: Apple’s also working on the iPhone 6 and probably has some notes written down for iPhone 7 and 8. You guys can quote me on that. You’re welcome.

In New York City this week, the MTA increased mass transit fares by 17%. But in an attempt to make sure they provide something extra to their customers, the MTA announced that it will also be increasing subway delays, garbled station announcements, and in-car deodorant failures by the same 17%.

A story in The Nation claims that former CNN anchor Lou Dobbs, whose anti-illegal-immigrant stand defined his show for many years, actually employed illegal aliens himself at his horse farm. Dobbs said in response that if there were illegal aliens working on his farm, he didn’t hire them and he didn’t know about it, but he immediately began building a 30′ tall fence around his property to prevent the illegals from ever working for him again.

This week UPS announced it would be hiring 50,000 temp workers for the upcoming holiday season, which ultimately creates 100,000 jobs. 50,000 UPS jobs, and 50,000 brown-shirt-manufacturing jobs, which is good, because the latter industry is still trying to recover from its 1945 collapse.

This week marked the start of the MLB playoffs, which is an exciting time if your team is still playing October baseball, and a big sports void if you root for the Mets or the Pirates or the Cubs or the Angels or any of the other teams that are usually parked in front of the TV by this part of the season. So what if you are one of those unlucky fans without a team in the playoffs? Is there anything you can do to ease the sting of another lost season? Of course there is, as you’ll see when you check out…

Tgreen’s Top Ten Things A Baseball Fan Can Do To Avoid The MLB Playoffs:
10. Buy the latest Strat-O-Matic, put together a team of the best, most exclusive players, beat up on your friends’ teams (aka “pulling a Yankees”)
9. Introduce yourself to those small humans wandering around your house who’ve been calling you “daddy” since April
8. Rent the DVD set that covers the last time your team won a World Series and watch that over an over (Cubs fans, you’re gonna have to rent the teletype)
7. Buy a 6-pack, hunker down in front of the TV, and yell at the officiating on Dancing With The Stars
6. Tune in to the start of the NHL season (fans of the Rangers, Islanders, Coyotes or Ducks might want to skip this one just to avoid the same problem in April)
5. Call your doctor and tell him you don’t need the full strength cholesterol medicine anymore since you won’t be eating 3 hot dogs a day again until next Spring
4. Use the extra time to make your best “Wait ’til Next Year!” t-shirt design ever
3. Flip over to the NASCAR Chase, since you don’t really care about that either but at least you might see a car crash
2. Head on down to the theater to see Katherine Heigl in Life As We Kno oh wait, it’s already out on DVD
1. Have you met the NFL?

And that’s all we have time for this week. Be sure to come back next time for an official Happy Friday!, though I can’t guarantee what day of the week it’ll turn up.

T “ape shall never kill ape” green

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By Tgreen, September 29, 2010 10:51 pm

Hello and welcome to Happy Wednesday, the blog post that would consider wishing you a Happy Hump Day, but it isn’t sure if it likes you in that way.

This week New York City’s Mayor Bloomberg had removed from the classroom a teacher who previously worked as a hooker. This makes no sense in these difficult economic times. You have someone who could teach Economics and Sex Ed and you want to fire her?

Jersey Shore cast member Snooki announced this week that she’ll be writing a book to be released in 2011. Which means she’ll have written one more book than she’s read, and that seems wrong.

In Canadian news, CBC announced that it will be broadcasting a hockey game in 3D this season. And if they had television in Canada, this would be a very big deal.

California’s first execution attempt in 5 years had to be cancelled due to a shortage of lethal injection drugs. Which makes you wonder, if they haven’t even tried to execute anyone in 5 years, how did they manage to run out of lethal injection drugs?

Actor Tony Danza is teaching English in a Philadelphia high school as part of a new reality show. I’d suggest that instead of English they at least have Danza teach a subject he actually passed in high school, but I think I already see what direction that takes us in.

My only guess is he’s teaching English the way he uses it — as a second language.

So, Tony Danza’s teaching and Snooki’s writing. This is what happens when an infinite number of monkeys with an infinite number of typewriters kill themselves in protest over what’s happening to out language.

In testimony offered by seven former U.S. Air Force pilots this week, it was revealed that they had seen UFOs descend on nuclear missile locations and interfere with the operation of these missiles. The pilots said they believe this means the aliens are trying to tell us to get rid of all nuclear weapons. This could be the correct interpretation, of course, but isn’t it also possible that the aliens were enticed here by this…

httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jOVc4TMjHpk

In an interview in the latest Rolling Stone, President Obama suggests that Democrats need to “buck up,” something that would probably be a lot easier if the previous 10 years had left anyone with a buck to do something with.

On October 3rd, Germany will make its final reparations payment for World War I, which means maybe you shouldn’t give up on getting that 20 bucks back from your deadbeat college roommate just yet.

The IRS said this week it will no longer be mailing out tax forms. It’s about time they took the hint. I wasn’t sending them back, so there was no reason to keep sending them to me except to make me feel bad.

In case you haven’t heard, New York City is slowly but surely being taken over by bedbugs. Besides being creepy and disgusting, these bugs are annoyingly hard to get rid of. You all remember the old saying, “Good night, sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite,” but are you aware of the other ways besides biting that bedbugs can annoy you? If not, you will after you read…

Tgreen’s Top Ten Other Ways Bedbugs Are Annoying:
10. Cut the line at the bus stop
9. Take the last jelly donut and leave you with the one with the coconut flakes on it
8. Constantly spoil the cliffhanger ending to last week’s Gossip Girl
7. Chew their Grape Nuts with their mouths open
6. Tell your girlfriend about that woman who was flirting with you at the office
5. Root for the Philadelphia Eagles
4. Mock you for your naive provincialism while enjoying a Jerry Lewis movie (oh, sorry, that’s one of Tgreen’s Top Ten Other Ways The French Are Annoying)
3. ignore your numerous friend requests on Facebook
2. Won’t share their cheese fries at lunch
1. Insist on using the theme song from Small Wonder as their ring tone

And that’s all the time we have for this time. Join us tomorrow for Happy Thursday, which I was going to call “Must See Happy Thursday” except for threatened lawsuit from NNC and the potential violation of the Truth in Advertising laws.

T “breakfast bowl” green

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By Tgreen, September 28, 2010 12:27 pm

Hello and welcome to Happy Tuesday, the blog post that follows Happy Monday like the punchline follows the setup. Though I realize by using such technical comedy terms, I may be setting the bar way too high for today’s festivities. There’s only one way to find out…

This week the NFL announced that it’s almost a certainty that the NFL season will be expanding to 18 weeks. And in related news, this week your coworkers announced that it’s almost a certainty that the last thing they need is 2 more weeks of you running your mouth about your damn Fantasy Football team.

The Rock & Roll Hall of Fame announced it’s newest slate of nominees this week. Included on the list is rock group Bon Jovi, prompting the Devil to fire off an email to lead singer Jon Bon Jovi that simply said, “You’re welcome.”

Also on the list for the first time is Neil Diamond. It took him this long to make the list? You can’t be eligible until you’ve been around for at least 25 years, and Neil Diamond’s been around way longer than that. Were they waiting to honor him for The Jazz Singer? Or maybe this…

httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jOVc4TMjHpk

This week The Hollywood Reporter, er, reported that the Star Wars saga might hit theaters in 3D starting in 2012. The series will start, of course, with The Phantom Menace, and the only concern in being able to get things started on time is that no one’s sure if there’s enough computer power on the planet to add the 2 dimensions needed to bump The Phantom Menace up to 3.

A new study shows that out of 33 industrialized nations, the United States has the highest rate of obesity. And the tastiest deserts. In your face, rest of the industrialized world!

In entertainment news, Lindsey Lohan is back in rehab, though rehab says it really just wants to be friends this time around and doesn’t plan on taking the relationship any further in order to avoid the inevitable heartbreak.

A German company plans to bring gold-dispensing ATMs to the United States. The machines will accept credit cards, and can dispense 1 gram, 5 gram, 10 gram and 1 ounce units, as well as gold coins. The machines are surprisingly easy to use, but I can assure you if you’re reading this site, you’ll never be able to afford to find out for yourself.

Police in Texas found incriminating text messages sent from a bank teller to the person who robbed his bank right before the robbery occurred. I’d tell you more, but I wouldn’t want to spoil the Law & Order: Criminal Intent episode no doubt ripping this story from the headlines as I type.

The Emergency Bra, an undergarment that can be quickly converted into a pair of protective face masks, one for the wearer and one for some needy bystander in the event of an emergency, was made available this week. The bra’s inventor is hoping this one sells better than her last safety device, the Emergency Jockstrap.

A new study shows that bans on texting while driving don’t actually prevent accidents. The silver lining? Texting while driving is an effective way to help clear some dead wood from the gene pool. You’ve just gotta think long term on this one, people.

This week orders for the new AppleTV began shipping to customers around the world. For 99 bucks, the AppleTV lets you stream media from your computer to your TV, and also let’s you rent movies and TV shows right from the box. But there are people out there who aren’t satisfied with this. They want more bang for their buck, and won’t buy an AppleTV until they get it. Which brings us to…

Tgreen’s Top Ten Features The AppleTV Needs To Make Everyone Happy:
10. Popcorn popper attachment
9. All episodes of BJ and the Bear available for immediate rental (sorry, that’s one of Tgreen’s Top Ten Features The AppleTV Needs To Make Tgreen Happy)
8. Side order of bacon
7. Button to drop tap-dancing midget into every movie when things slow down
6. Letter from Steve Jobs inviting you to drop by for scones the next time you’re in his neighborhood
5. Creamy caramel center
4. Ability to never download a movie that’s in color, features rock music, or expresses a positive opinion on any event that happened after 1954
3. Express checkout for all Katherine Heigl movies
2. Detailed reviews explaining when, to what degree, and the duration of any nudity might occur in the movie you plan to rent
1. Discount rate on any movie or show that features a cast member from According to Jim

And that’s all we have time for today. Tune in tomorrow for Happy Wednesday, which will look a lot like what you saw today, but with more references to “Hump Day”.

T “this seemed like a good idea at the time” green

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By Tgreen, September 27, 2010 11:27 pm

Hello everyone and welcome to Happy Monday, which is basically the same thing as Happy Friday, just 3 days late. Or 4 days early, if you’re an optimist. But honestly, if you’re an optimist are you even clicking a link to one of these? Unless one must be an optimist to even consider coming here. Hmmm, a philosophical conundrum to be considered at a later date. For now…

This week an old video clip of masturbation-hating, witchcraft-dabbling Republican candidate for Senator Christine O’Donnell featured the Delaware Congressional hopeful saying that evolution is a myth. She then asked why, if evolution were real, monkeys weren’t still evolving. Now that’s a perfectly reasonable question to ask, if you first take a spork and scoop out large portions of your brain, but instead of asking why this hasn’t happened yet, O’Donnell should’ve just thanked her lucky stars that it isn’t happening that way, because we’ve all seen what will happen if monkeys continue to evolve:

httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gb4eZ7Z5yk8

In education news, this week President Obama announced he wants to extend the school year. Because apparently a recent poll showed that grammar school children was the lone demographic that gave him an approval rating over 30% and this was the only thing he could think of that would get them in line with everyone else.

In Worst Product Endorsement Ever news, the owner of the Segway company in England died this week after driving his Segway off a cliff. I’m guessing this means no holiday party?

A new Department of Justice investigation shows that cheating was rampant on the FBI’s domestic spying test. Agents were able to pass the 51 question test by copying from a fellow agent, bringing the answers into the testing room, or exploiting a computer glitch that revealed the test answers. All useful skills should the next domestic spying case need to be broken in an 11th grade midterm.

Bishop Eddie Long of Georgia this week was accused of having sex with several young men in his congregation. These men of the cloth all claim that they hear a calling to do God’s work, and more and more I think the voice that’s calling them must sound like a Jonas brother.

In world news, North Korean leader Kim Jong-il promoted his son Kim Jong-un to the rank of general in anticipation of making his son his successor. Jong-un was chosen for the job because of his intelligence, temperament, and because he rocks the olive drab jumpsuit and sunglasses combo.

This week the UN denied that it was about to name an ambassador in charge of first contact with alien life. And really, can you blame them…

httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jOVc4TMjHpk

The producers of Sesame Street cancelled an appearance by entertainer Katy Perry (I just can’t bring myself to refer to her as “singer” after seeing her on Saturday Night Live) after a video of her singing with Elmo that was posted on YouTube brought down a hail of complaints from parents. The producers didn’t say why exactly they cancelled the appearance, just that they had two reasons. Two big, soft, pillowy reasons.

Last week the UN General Assembly met in New York, tying up traffic for miles. At the time, I complained on Twitter that next summer I was going to go to all the countries in the UN and tie up traffic for them. Since then, I took a look at my budget and realized that I would not, in fact, be able to afford such a large undertaking. So instead I looked into what I can afford to do, which brings us to…

Tgreen’s Top Ten Affordable International Protests:
10. Go to Little Italy and ask for directions to nearest Olive Garden
9. Replace all Spanish language subway signs with English ones
8. Leave a small tip at the IHOP
7. Disrupt game of Chinese Checkers
6. Give away ending to every movie at Godzilla marathon
5. Go to Irish pub and ask for English muffin
4. Start rigged game of Russian Roulette in Coney Island
3. Blast Blame Canada at the Tim Horton’s on 33rd St
2. Overturn Risk board before your opponent can win
1. Rent every copy of Crocodile Dundee from Netflix to deny the rest of the country the opportunity to enjoy Paul Hogan’s lighthearted antics

And that’s all we have time for today. Join us in way less time than is really advisable for Happy Tuesday!

T “me and my shadow” green

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By Tgreen, December 31, 2009 6:01 pm

So, another year is over, and as midnight approaches you’re most likely sitting somewhere surrounded by strangers, adult beverage locked in a death grip to keep yourself company, wondering just how 2009 got away from you, and worried that if you blink, you’re gonna find yourself in the same spot with the same adult beverage wondering the same thing about 2010. At this point you’re gonna need something familiar to cling to, some comfortable old friend who will remind you that it’s gonna be aaaaaaaaaaaaaaalright. And that’s where old Uncle T steps in. Not me specifically, because I’m about as comforting as some bottom-shelf tequila mixed with Tabasco, but rather, some Top Ten (or so) lists, that are always comforting because they just recycle the same punchlines from the last 14 years, so it’s not like your brain gets a big workout. So while you’re rattling the ice cubes around in your glass to make it look like you’re still engaged with the rest of the world, why not take a quick look back at 2009? Maybe you’ll even be able to pinpoint the exact moment where it all went off the rails for you. Stranger things have happened, as you’ll see when you take a look at…

Tgreen’s Top Ten Awkward Moments At Obama’s Inauguration:
10. Realized halfway through that no one had explained to George Bush that he had to go back to Texas when it was all over
9.  Bill Clinton asked if he could just duck into the Oval Office bathroom for a few seconds
8.  Fox News’ Special Report, The Obama Presidency, A Study in Failure, aired a half hour before the swearing-in even started
7.  Spent nearly an hour wiping off all of Keith Olbermann’s drool
6. Thomas Jefferson’s ghost made numerous attempts to hook up with Mrs. Obama
5.  White House power shorted out by feedback from Dick Cheney’s secret death ray
4.  Forced to stop in middle of first Inaugural Ball dance to break up fight over whether he’s a socialist or a fascist
3. Inaugural motorcade interrupted by Dick Cheney’s secret ninjas
2. First hour in Oval Office spent listening to Hillary Clinton’s explanation of how it was still not too late to dump Biden for her
1. Chemical spill in White House basement accidentally destroyed secret army of Dick Cheney clones

Of course, Obama wasn’t the only political story of 2009. Sarah Palin continued her drive toward 2012 by writing a memoir that immediately shot to the top of the bestseller lists. There were immediate concerns that the book wasn’t 100% accurate, as you’ll see by checking…

Tgreen’s Top Ten Reasons To Question The Validity Of Sarah Palin’s Memoir:
10.  First five pages of biography appear to have been lifted from a book about President Lincoln, with only the names changed
9. Chapter on foreign policy experience includes four different French fry recipies
8. Section on everything she plans to accomplish as governor of Alaska hastily whited out
7.  Even with a year to think about it, still lists Bazooka Joe comics as her major source for news
6. Among things she trashes John McCain for is “did lousy job of picking VP nominee”
5. Every anecdote about life on the campaign trail ends with a moose getting killed — even the one that takes place in Hawaii
4. Continues to ignore George Bush’s friend requests on Facebook
3.  Refuses to apologize for giving Levi Johnston his 15 minutes of fame
2. Claims first anti-crime campaign she ever launched when she was mayor was against the Hamburglar
1.  Her list of favorite movies includes Caddyshack II and Ernest Goes to Jail

But it wasn’t all inaugurations and bestsellers in 2009. No, we had some national tragedies to deal with too. Like the whole Michael Jackson thing. Not that his death was as much a tragedy as something everyone had been expecting for at least a decade. But the way he was instantly turned from sort-of-creepy old dude who’d been riding the goodwill from Thriller for more than 2 decades into national hero was tragic yet completely expected. Which brings us to…

Tgreen’s Top Ten Highlights of Michael Jackson’s Funeral:
10.  It was the most lifelike he’d looked since at least 1992
9. Coffin needed a sidecar for all his old noses that were buried with him
8. Tribute by children who visited Neverland over the years and weren’t touched inappropriately was understandably short
7. Finally gave Tito a chance to prove to the world that he’s still alive
6. Forced MTV to play more than 3 videos in a row for the first time in a decade
5. Fans were able to vote on favorite Jackson album, favorite Jackson song, and favorite Jackson skin tone
4. Joe Jackson set new record for fastest transition from “Where Are They Now?” list to “Yeah, Still A Douche” list
3. Gave Emmanuel Lewis some much-needed screen time
2. Slash probably got some royalties from all the new sales of Black & White, which means he made more money off that than Axl Rose made off the last Guns ‘n Roses album
1.  Proposed afterlife duet with Elvis called off due to fact that Elvis is still alive

Now, if you want to talk about tragedies from 2009, you don’t have to look past the Fall TV schedule. Talk about a nightmare of “President Palin” proportions. It’s like every network executive took every opportunity to make every possible mistake, and then put it on the air for us to watch. Did they finally go too far? Can network television possibly get any worse? See what you think after reading…

Tgreen’s Top Ten Ways Network Television Could Still Get Worse:
10.  Law & Order: Jay Leno Division
9.  Celebrity Twister, starring Betty White
8. The Newshour with Paris Hilton
7. Survivor: Newark
6. Love Boat: The Next Generation: The Next Generation
5.  Celebrity Rehab, Muppets Edition
4. Kelsey Grammar in, Nope, Still Not Playing Frasier Crane, But Please Watch For A Couple Of Weeks Anyway
3.  AfterScrubs (oh wait, that’s one of Tgreen’s Top Ten Ways Network Television Has Already Gotten Worse)
2. Man vs Food vs Kelly Ripa
1. XFL Classics

And if you thought TV was bad, the Internet was even worse. There are actually, if you can believe this, people who think that they can slap together a page of poorly-thought-out Top Ten Lists and call it entertainment. Fortunately for all of us, more often than not they run out of time before they can really do damage to our psyches. Just imagine the horror if we’d been subjected to…

Tgreen’s Top Ten Top Ten Lists That Might Have Appeared Here Today If I Hadn’t Gone Out To Lunch:
10. Top Ten Movies Based On Comic Books Nobody Remembers
9. Top Ten Things William Shatner Says After Sex
8. Top Ten Ways Your Boss Is Screwing You Even When You’re Not In The Office
7. Top Ten Episodes of According to Jim
6.  Top Ten Obama One-Liners On Fox News
5. Top Ten Rosie O’Donnell Sex Tapes
4.  Top Ten Other Wars Dick Cheney Tried To Start
3. Top Ten Soups That Are Orange
2. Top Ten People Having A Better New Year’s Eve Than You
1. Top Ten Lunches To Buy Tgreen To Keep Him From Writing Any More Top Ten Lists For Awhile

But you know, New Year’s Eve isn’t all about looking back. No, it’s a good time to look forward, to make resolutions, to figure out how to be better next year than you were last year. It’s also a time to take stock of your possesions and figure out how to cram even more junk into your house next year. Which brings us to…

Tgreen’s Top Five Products You Know You’ll Buy When They Go On Sale In 2010:

5:

Chocodiles Throwback

4.

RockBand Elvis!

3.

Kit Kat Bacon

2.

Charlie Sheen's Slap Chop

1.

Apple iLobot

And that’s it for 2009. See some of you back here in January for more of the same. Hope you all had a good 2009, and that 2010 has nothing but good stuff for you. As the man said, “here’s to the new year. Let’s hope it’s a damn sight better than the old one.”

T “have I said Happy New Year to you yet?” green