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By Tgreen, October 17, 2009 10:33 pm

Hello and welcome to Happy Friday, the weekly blog post that apparently couldn’t hit a Friday if you paid it.

This week it was announced that Hiroshima and Nagasaki, the victims of the only atomic bombings in history, are teaming up to try to bring the Olympics to Japan in 2020. In related news, I hear Pearl Harbor might also be making a bid. Awkward!

Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger called out his wife, Maria Shriver, for apparently violating a state law he signed — holding her cell phone while driving. Her punishment? A marathon of Kindergarten Cop, The Last Action Hero, and Jingle All The Way.

Art experts believe they have identified a new Leonardo da Vinci in part by examining a fingerprint on the canvas. Said one expert, “Holy crap, this is like crossing CSI with a Dan Brown novel. Do you think Tom Hanks or David Caruso will play me in the movie?”

A London newspaper this week quoted Prince Philip as saying, “to work out how to operate a TV set you practically have to make love to the thing.” Which is probably an attractive option when you’ve been married to the Queen for so long.

Playboy magazine is turning over its cover to the matriarch of Springfield’s first family: Marge Simpson. Which almost – almost, mind you – almost justifies those things you used to do to yourself while watching Jessica Rabbit in Who Framed Roger Rabbit. Almost.

President Barack Obama pledged to end the ban on homosexuals serving openly in the military in a speech last Saturday. His new “On the Down Low” plan will replace the current “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” plan. Just keep it on the DL, yo.

The Dallas Police Department is investigating more than 2,000 family violence cases stored in the garage of one of its 35-year veterans. Surprisingly, only 85% of them involved Dallas Cowboys players of the late 90s.

General Motors announced this week it had finalized plans to sell control of its iconic Hummer brand to a Chinese heavy equipment maker. Which means the next time you order some Moo Goo Gai Pan for delivery, you’d better give a good tip or that delivery boy is gonna drive right through your front door.

After sinking to a 12-year low back in March, the Dow Jones industrial average closed above 10,000 Wednesday for the first time in a year, causing pharmacies in the Wall Street area to sell less Viagra than they have at any time since, well, March.

This week it was announced that Subway, riding high on the marketing message of healthy fast food, will overtake McDonald’s in American store locations by the end of 2009, with a total of more than 32,300 outlets. Rush Limbaugh immediately blamed President Obama for this tragic turn of events.

A review of past research finds that, by altering hormonal cycles, the pill might affect choice of mates among members of both genders. Ovulating women prefer typically “manly” men, while women who are not ovulating may prefer men with more feminine features, so by curtailing ovulation, the pill may be helping current male American Idol contestants breed the next generation of male American Idol contestants.

While on the other side of the equation, men still prefer to hook up with anyone who will take them, so actually, the pill hasn’t really changed anything there.

As you remember, last week there was a huge uproar when President Obama won the Nobel Peace Prize well before anybody thought he was qualified for such an honor. If people were mad about that, I can’t imagine what they’re going to think when they get a load of…

Tgreen’s Top Ten Other Awards President Obama Has Won:
10. First Place, Miss America Pageant
9. Super Bowl XLIV Champion
8. Lady Byng Memorial Trophy
7. Best In Show, AKC National Championship
6. Blue Ribbon, 2009 Pinewood Derby
5. First Place, The Next Iron Chef
4. Winner, Big Brother 11
3. Pillsbury Bake-Off Gold Ribbon
2. Cover Model, 2010 Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue
1. “Most Improved Penmanship”, Sister Elizabeth’s Third Grade Class

And that’s all we have time for this week. Until next time, enjoy the cupcakes and have a Happy Friday!

T “gigglefest” green

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By Tgreen, October 9, 2009 11:14 pm

Hello and welcome to Happy Friday, the weekly blog post that should probably invest in a decent calendar.

This week, in a move that surprised most everyone who heard about it, President Barack Obama won the Nobel Peace Prize. The Nobel committee said he won because of all the ways he plans to bring peace to the world, but we all know the real reason he won is because he’s not George Bush.

Which makes me wonder where my Nobel Peace Prize is. I mean, I’m not George Bush. And I’m totally planning on bringing out some world peace. I just have to finish the latest Poison Pen first. Yeah, new Poison Pen and then world peace. Any day now.

Anyway, while many people are quickly discounting Obama’s win, if you take a close look at his record you’ll see this award is not so outrageous after all, as proven by…

Tgreen’s Top Ten Reasons Obama Is Qualified To Win The Nobel Peace Prize:
10. Never took sides in the East Coast/West Coast rap wars
9. Always ended every game of Risk with a peaceful negotiation
8. Didn’t launch even one missile when Chicago lost its Olympic bid
7. Is able to enjoy both The Simpsons and Family Guy every Sunday night on FOX
6. Stayed out of the Cola Wars of the 80s by sticking with RC
5. Totally sings along with that song that goes War, uh huh, good god, what is it good for, absolutely nothin’, I’ll say it again, yeah with a knowing look in his eye
4. Watched the original Star Wars a dozen times hoping that they could work things out without having to blow up Alderaan or the Death Star
3. During the mid-90s, made sure to watch both Leno’s and Letterman’s shows to keep the Late Night Wars from flaring up in his household
2. Saw Wargames three times in one day to ensure he’d be prepared if his Commodore Vic-20 ever tried to start a nuclear war, and not because the had a crush on Ally Sheedy
1. In nearly ten months as President has so far managed to prevent a full-scale zombie war from breaking out

Conservative talk radio host Rush Limbaugh said this week that he’s teaming up with St. Louis Blues owner Dave Checketts in a bid to buy the Rams. There’s no word yet on what color quarterback Rush would hire, but it won’t be a black one.

A judge said last week that he’s pleased with how Michael Jackson’s children are adjusting to being in their grandmother’s care. He then followed that statement with this answer to a reporter’s question, “No, I haven’t met Joe Jackson yet, why do you ask?”

A customer at a New Jersey Burger King drive-thru was slashed with a knife by a homeless person this week. Worst dollar menu item ever.

In hundreds of meetings with millions of its members to promote a health care overhaul, AARP has often found itself forced to referee a battle between generations. That battle? Get off my damn lawn!

Last week, Tufts University formalized what for many was probably an unspoken rule: no sex when a roommate is present, by adding a rule that students cannot have sex in their room if it will deprive their roommate of sleep or study time. My university had its own solution to the problem — there were only like a half dozen girls in the whole damn place.

Oh, and no dorm rooms either.

The average retail price for gasoline dipped below $2.50 a gallon for the first time in two months last Monday, prompting at least four oil executives to fire everyone responsible.

Employee misconduct investigations inside a taxpayer-funded foundation that doles out billions of dollars of scientific research grants revealed that a senior executive spent at least 331 days looking at pornography on his government computer. The executive’s lawyer defended his client’s actions by saying he’d been hired during the Clinton administration, where 331 days of viewing pornography was considered rather low.

The ever-popular American Girls brand has released a controversial new doll named “Gwen,” a character who’s actually homeless. With a pricetag of $95, the doll is only about ten bucks cheaper than an actual homeless person.

Chicago’s dream of an Olympics-sized stimulus was dashed last week when the 2016 Summer Games were awarded to Rio de Janeiro, prompting talk show host Oprah Winfrey to drop Brazilian waxes from her list of “favorite things.”

This week NASA launched a mission to bomb the moon. Which really sounds a lot more like something that the Bush Administration would’ve tried if it thought the moon had messed with Texas.

The LCROSS (Lunar CRater Observing and Sensing Satellite) mission sent a missile traveling at twice the speed of a bullet to blast a hole in the lunar surface near the moon’s South pole in an attempt to find signs of water on the moon. Which, coincidentally, is the same reason Iran keeps giving for why it wants to launch a missile into downtown Jerusalem.

In other space news, astronomers may be on the brink of discovering a second Earth-like planet, a find that would add fresh impetus to the search for extraterrestrial life, or, at the very least, give us a new place for Republicans and Democrats to argue over who’s worse.

Sarah Palin, the former Alaska governor and Republican vice presidential candidate, has finished her memoir just four months after the book deal was announced, and the release date has been moved up from the spring to Nov. 17, her publisher said. Of course, when your biggest accomplishment is helping Tina Fey score an Emmy, one has to wonder why it even took this long to write a memoir. The book weighs in at 400 pages. That’s a lot of crayons.

Word is Rush Limbaugh’s already bought two tubes of lubrication to use while reading.

Talk show host David Letterman was recently the victim of a blackmail plot, which forced him to reveal that he’d had several sexual relationships with members of his Late Show staff. Hard to imagine, huh? Maybe not, once you’ve read…

Tgreen’s Top Ten Most Successful David Letterman Pickup Lines:
10. Hey, baby, wanna let Paul and the band play you in?
9. Hey, baby, let me show you a really Stupid Human Trick
8. Hey, baby, wanna be a guest on the Late, Late, Late, Late, Late Show?
7. Hey, baby, I’ll bring the monkey if you’ll bring the camera
6. Hey, baby, wanna find out if it’ll float?
5. Hey, baby, I’m not wearing any pants behind this desk
4. Hey, baby, I’ve got a cut of meat you should know
3. Hey, baby, I can take you right to prime time (sorry, that’s one of Tgreen’s Top Ten Most Successful Jay Leno Pickup Lines)
2. Hey, baby, wanna help me beat the Conan?
1. Hey, baby, wanna see my Top Ten?

And that’s all we have time for this week. Until next time, enjoy the football and enjoy the hockey and enjoy…wait, are there any other sports still going on right now? I don’t think so.

T “what a lovely development this is” green

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By Tgreen, September 27, 2009 4:39 pm

Hello and welcome to Happy Friday, the weekly blog post that’s wondering, when you’re not sick enough to have Swine Flu, is there such a thing as Swine Head Cold?

Police in Philadelphia say a white officer who came to work with cornrows was ordered by a black superior to get a haircut because the braids violated department standards. And also, because the last white person who could pull off cornrows was Bo Derek 30 years ago.

Senior regulators say they are seriously considering a plan to have the nation’s healthy banks lend billions of dollars to rescue the insurance fund that protects bank depositors. I don’t know, but that sounds to me like if Allstate came by one night and hit you up for a loan because it had to help out the guy across the street who got rear-ended.

But on the bright side, unemployment’s so high these days that it’s not like anyone has any money in the bank anymore anyway, so who’s gonna get hurt when the next one fails?

The Uganda Wildlife Authority launched a program on Saturday to let people use social networking sites like Facebook or Twitter to follow one of the gorillas in Bwindi Impenetrable National Park. Hopefully this will go better than that time you hooked up with the lingerie model online, only to find out she was actually some 43-year-old guy who lived in his mom’s basement.

It was reported this week that national Democratic Party leaders have asked New York State Governor David Paterson to consider withdrawing from the 2010 governor’s race. When asked to comment, Paterson said he couldn’t see any reason he should drop out now.

A postal worker at a mail processing and distribution center in Springfield, Massachusetts who stole more than 3,000 DVDs mailed by Netflix to its customers pleaded guilty yesterday to federal theft charges. In his defense, however, is the fact that more than half of those movies were copies of Mike Myers’ The Love Guru, so you could say he was protecting people from themselves.

This week it was announced that three different space probes have found the chemical signature of water all over the moon’s surface, surprising the scientists who at first doubted the unexpected measurement. So yeah, that’s cool and all, but call me when they find traces of hops and barley up there.

In sports news, the Detroit Lions failed to sell all their tickets for Sunday’s game against the Washington Redskins, meaning there was a TV blackout in some local markets. Which makes you wonder why the rest of us had to watch this game if Detroit got off the hook like that.

Actor Randy Quaid and his wife were arrested in west Texas for skipping out on a $10,000 hotel bill in California. I thought for sure if they ever got Randy Quaid, it would be for that direct-to-DVD Vacation sequel he did a few years back.

And really, does it even count as a celebrity arrest if there’s no slow speed car chase?

A large spider appeared on the Pope’s white robes as he addressed politicians and diplomats in Prague on Saturday afternoon, and it reportedly lingered long enough to bite him. Which might explain why the Pope never seems to be around when Spider-Man is fighting Doc Ock.

In a video posted recently to YouTube, former child star Kirk Cameron lays out a plan to subvert the 150th anniversary of the publishing of Charles Darwin’s Origin of Species by delivering 50,000 copies of an altered version of Darwin’s book to students at dozens of U.S. universities. The altered version is significantly shorter and basically contains the sentence, “Jesus did it,” and an autographed head shot of Kirk Cameron.

Me, I’m waiting for Alan Thicke to weigh in on string theory.

This week was a big one for President Obama. First he appeared on the Sunday talk shows for most of the networks, then he gave a speech before the UN General Assembly, and then he turned up on The Late Show With David Letterman. A pretty busy week, huh? You don’t know the half of it, but you will once you check out…

Tgreen’s Top Ten Lesser-Known Obama Appearances This Week:
10. Guest ref for Foxy Boxing down at a strip club in Newark
9. Backstage at Oprah to give Mackenzie Phillips a pep talk
8. After-hours party in Khadaffi’s tent
7. Special appearance as new tenant on Melrose Place remake
6. Heckling Kanye at a charity concert
5. Throwing eggs at Glenn Beck’s front door
4. Eating Whoppers with Tony Stewart in new NASCAR Burger King commercial
3. Winning third place at Beatles Rock Band contest in Hillside Mall
2. Just hanging at a kegger in Pittsburgh
1. Headlining Top Ten list with actual jokes on Letterman’s show

And that’s all we have time for this week. Come on back next time to find out if that kid from Who’s The Boss? has an opinion on evolution.

T”3rd & goal” green

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By Tgreen, September 20, 2009 11:16 am

It’s Happy Friday time
Beginning with a rhyme
Like when it first went live
Way back in ’95

I know I’m 2 days late
And that’s not really great
But neither are the jokes
I’m dumping on you folks

And welcome back to another edition of Happy Friday, the weekly blog that once interrupted young Kanye West as he was about to give his first speech in public, something that he apparently still hasn’t gotten over.

This week The Jay Leno Show debuted to solid ratings on NBC. However, the ratings dropped sharply on the show’s second night, once NBC viewers realized they were not, in fact, watching the strangest episode of Law & Order ever.

This week Blockbuster Inc. announced it may close as many as 960 stores by the end of next year, which is totally shocking. The last time I passed a Blockbuster, I was on the bus, watching a movie on my iPod, heading to a mailbox to drop off my latest Netflix movie, and it looked like they had plenty of customers in there. How could this happen?

According to research modeling real social networks, it seems that the tendency to be happy is passed along in a way that suggests it could be ‘contagious.’ Fortunately, most of us gain a natural immunity to this contagion from a source known as our ‘job.’

This week, World Wrestling Entertainment CEO Linda McMahon announced that she’s planning to run against embattled Sen. Chris Dodd in the 2010 midterm elections. This may sound like a good idea now, but what happens when Dodd demands equal time on Monday Night Raw and turns up in a steel cage match wearing nothing but a skimpy pair of wrestling briefs, huh? Who wins when that happens? The answer is nobody, my friends. Nobody.

This week Microsoft debuted the Zune HD, its competitor to the iPod Touch. The Zune HD comes with a music player, games, apps and HD radio. The HD radio’s included because Microsoft wanted to offer one completely useless bit of technology in the Zune and there was no room to jam an 8-track player in there.

I shouldn’t make fun of HD radio. What other technology allows you to drop $500 or so for the opportunity to listen to commercial-free music, several failed station formats and a couple of AM stations on the FM band? Assuming you live close enough to a transmitter to even get any reception. Microsoft, once again showing it’s got its finger on the pulse of consumer demand.

Only one in four Oklahoma public high school students can name the first President of the United States, according to a survey released this week. And even worse, of the students who couldn’t name him, half of them asked “the United what?”

A Catholic charity in Britain says it believes couples should pray together before engaging in sex and to help them along, it has composed a special prayer for the occasion. I’m sure that whatever they wrote is way more eloquent than the prayer I used to say before sex — “Jesus, I hope I get laid tonight!”

Former Arkansas Governor Mike Huckabee is the favored 2012 presidential nominee among social conservatives, according to a straw poll released this week. Former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin was locked in a virtual tie for a distant second with several other candidates. Coming in third was the ghost of Ronald Reagan, which barely beat out Newt Gingrich, “not sure”, Rick Santorum, “whoever Rush says to vote for”, Sarah Palin without makeup, a zombie Richard Nixon, Mickey Mouse, that crazy conspiracy guy on the F train platform, Count Chocula and, in last place, Rudy Giuliani’s old combover.

Astronomers have found the coldest spot in our solar system — it’s on our moon and not, as you suspected, in your ex-girlfriend’s heart.

The Newlywed Game will feature its first gay couple this season on a celebrity edition. George Takei, who played Mr. Sulu on Star Trek, will appear with his partner, Brad Altman. And in a related story, the guy who played Chekov is still hoping to get called down on The Price Is Right.

As I mentioned above, this week NBC began its experiment of running Jay Leno’s new show 5 nights a week at 10PM. The move is a risky one, but since Leno’s show is so cheap to make, NBC stands to save a lot of money if it works. But what if it doesn’t? If NBC ends up needing to save even more money, what could it possibly put on that would be even cheaper? Perhaps something from…

Tgreen’s Top Ten Cheaper Alternatives To Jay Leno’s Show:
10. The Ernie Anastos Poultry Report
9. Selections from Andy Richter’s DVD Library
8. The Taylor Swift HouThe Kanye West Hour
7. Kevin Eubanks Reads The Classics
6. The Fourth Hour Of This Morning’s Today Show That Nobody Bothered To Watch The First Time Around
5. Some Random Dude’s Facebook Page
4. The Best Of Whatever’s On The USA Network Right Now
3. Nanny Cam Hidden In Tracy Morgan’s Living Room
2. So You Think You Can Host An Hour Of Network Television Five Nights A Week
1. BJ & The Bear repeats (sorry, that’s one of Tgreen’s Top Ten Coolest Things Any Network Could Ever Do In The History Of Time)

And that’s all we have time for this week. Come back next time to see if there will be another opening rhyme, a new joke, or possibly even some genuine comedy. (My guess would be maybe, nope and seriously, have you ever read one of these before?!?)

T “Quality Assured” green

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By Tgreen, September 13, 2009 9:00 am

Hello and welcome to another edition of Happy Friday, the weekly blog post that is ready for some football, thank you very much.

This week it was revealed that most casinos are reporting a downturn in revenue this year, which is definitely a sign of trouble ahead because you have to realize, Trump’s hair looks the way it does now with full casino revenue rolling in. Do we really want to see what it’ll look like if he has to start scrimping on hair care products? So get yourself to the nearest craps table before it’s too late.

NASA and the Canadian Space Agency this week signed a framework agreement Wednesday for cooperative activities in the exploration and use of outer space for peaceful purposes. Can’t wait to see what Canada’s bringing to the table here. The first back bacon sandwich in orbit? Or the first zero-G hockey game? Though that would kind of go against the whole “peaceful purposes” thing by halfway through the first period.

This week eBay featured an online auction to win a private dinner with Sarah Palin. The winner, along with four friends, will be able to have dinner with the former Alaska Governor, her husband, and whatever imaginary enemies of democracy she happens to be carrying around in her head that day.

A South African mom recently opened a baby hotel for frazzled and/or in-need parents. The Baby Hotel – open 24/7 in an upscale Johannesburg suburb – lets parents check their children into their own room for about $70 a night, though the minibar stocked with formula, baby food and fresh binkies can drive the price up very quickly.

An Indiana court ruled this week that a pizza shop must pay for a 340-pound employee’s weight-loss surgery to ensure the success of another operation for a back injury he suffered at work. The judge was particularly emphatic that the pizza shop’s proposed solution – one free pizza a day for life – was not in the employee’s best interests no matter how quickly he tried to reach a settlement once it was offered.

Ten Maryland nuns – almost their entire religious community – converted from the Episcopal Church to Catholicism on Thursday, saying their former denomination had become too liberal in its acceptance of homosexuality. “Our Church was inching way too close to a 20th Century point of view,” one of the nuns said, “and we’re really more comfortable with a 16th Century point of view, so we had to make a change.”

This week Apple CEO Steve Jobs returned to the public spotlight for the first time since taking a medical leave earlier this year. He unveiled upgrades to the iTunes store, several different iPod models, and the brand new iCatheter, a music device that must be inserted directly into the penis before any songs can be played. Jobs said there was no real need for such a product, but he knew that if Apple made a music player that needed to be inserted into the penis, rabid Apple fanboys all over the world would buy it by the truckload. And I have to admit, the sound is pretty awesome.

Thirty years ago this week, ESPN launched with the debut of its flagship show, SportsCenter. Thirty years ago next week, ESPN anchor Chris Berman debuted his famous “backbackbackbackback” home run call. And thirty years ago two weeks from now, I debuted the pulsing vein on my forehead that appears any time I hear Chris Berman on TV.

A new green checkmark label that is starting to show up on store shelves is part of a new plan to help shoppers find healthy foods at the supermarket. The label will eventually appear on hundreds of packages, though some nutritionists are wondering why the label appears on sugar-laden cereals like Cocoa Krispies and Froot Loops. If that bugs them, they’re really gonna go nuts when it shows up next year on boxes of my new instant breakfast product BaconBaconBaconBaconBaconBacon Wrapped in BaconBaconBaconBaconBaconBacon.

Controversy this week at Breckinridge County High School, where it was revealed that the football coach took about 20 players on a school bus late last month to his church, where nearly half of them were baptized without their parents’ knowledge or permission. The other half just spent a couple of hours in quiet contemplation with some priests. Their parents are now suing.

The Port Authority of New York and New Jersey will invite leaders of cities and towns throughout the country to ask for pieces of World Trade Center steel for memorials. The Port Authority has filled about 25 requests in the last year, and has about a dozen more pending. While these memorials are a great idea, the steel is not being shipped out to make room for the new buildings they’re supposed to be constructing on the site. Because there’s still plenty of time to do that, apparently.

A new study into the origin of dogs, the largest study of its kind, suggests that wolves may have first been domesticated for their meat and not, as had first been believed, because prehistoric man needed someone around to eat his wife’s leftover meatloaf.

One in every 33 women who attend worship services regularly has been the target of sexual advances by a religious leader, a survey released Wednesday says. That’s still lower than the percentage of women who visit the Bill Clinton Presidential Library and report basically the same thing.

This week marks the start of another NFL season, which means it’s time to answer the age-old question, “Are you ready for some football?” Well, are you? Find out by checking with…

Tgreen’s Top Ten Signs That You’re Ready For Some Football:
10. You feel sudden and unquenchable craving for Turducken
9. You spent the past summer rooting for the Mets
8. You’ve finally purchased one item from every infomercial the networks have aired on Sunday afternoon since the last football season ended
7. Had two erotic dreams about Chris Collinsworth
6. Found yourself stiff-arming some guy trying to cut in line at the grocery store
5. You’ve been dying to use the word “Mangenius” in a sentence
4. Never could figure out how to spend the 50 bucks you’ve saved every week by not having the Lions to bet on
3. Got tired of being the only one on the block drinking a case of beer and eating 20 lbs of hot wings every Sunday
2. The restraining order keeping you out of the sports bar down the block is about to expire
1. Realized you’ve been spending too much time with your family

And that’s all we have time for this week. Come back next time to see if my job has finally killed my last working brain cell.

T “more a legend than a band” green

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By Tgreen, September 4, 2009 9:54 am

Hello and welcome to Happy Friday, your weekly chance to prove you know better by not dropping by here in the first place.

This week, without anybody even asking the question, Macauley Culkin’s representative said that the actor is not the biological father of Michael Jackson’s son Blanket. Not that they didn’t try, of course, but there are some things so twisted that even Michael Jackson couldn’t pull them off.

The top-selling bible in North America will undergo it’s first revision in 25 years, modernizing the language in some sections and promising to finally explain what God did on the 8th day, and whether or not it involved hanging out in the Jungle Room with Elvis, which has long been my theory.

According to a new interview with the Miss Universe choreographer, Donald Trump fixed part of the pageant to ensure that the prettiest girls make it through. So, Trump fixed his own beauty pageant? Really? Sure, and next you’ll be trying to tell me that’s not his real hair on his head. Sorry, I just can’t believe it.

In California, authorities say a clash between opponents and supporters of health care reform ended with one man biting off another man’s finger. Well, now, let’s see if that changes anyone’s mind on health care.

And apparently there’s no truth to the rumor that this only happened because Rush Limbaugh mistook some protestor’s finger for a Twinkie.

A new model for the origin of life says zinc may have played a vital role. Or, as it’s now being called in Texas science textbooks, Jesus Dust.

In sports news, this week it was learned that in the past 5 years the Washington Redskins have sued 125 fans for backing out of season ticket agreements. The Washington Redskins?!? You have to wonder if there’s grounds for a counter-suit in there somewhere from everyone who didn’t bail.

This just in, the Detroit Lions want to file suit against everyone who didn’t come to their games last season. Look for Detroit Lions v Planet Earth to hit the justice system any day now.

In other sports news, sports journalists are now being told that tweeting details of NFL games during the game is forbidden. However, if a journalist is at a game and wants to tweet about the turducken he had for dinner last night, that’s allowed thanks to the Madden Exemption.

During August, a Gallup poll said that an average of 45 percent of Americans identifed themselves as Democrats or leaning to the Democratic Party — a 7-point drop since January. The poll also found that 40 percent of those surveyed identified themselves as Republicans or leaning to the Republican Party. This leaves us with a potential 15% of Americans who can think for themselves, which all evidence suggests is still way too high, so somebody’s lying.

Former New York Governor Eliot Spitzer, who resigned in a prostitution scandal in March 2008, is teaching a political science course as an adjunct professor at a New York City college. He got the job thanks to his winning a Clinton Fellowship grant for the upcoming year.

When asked what he thought about it, current New York governor David Patterson said he didn’t see this coming.

New reports say that outsourcing workers in India are stressed, depressed, and sick from overwork. I would just like to say to all those poor workers in India, welcome to capitalism, my Hindu friends.

And not to worry, in another year or two you won’t have to deal with any more job stresses when all your jobs are outsourced to Vietnam. Everybody wins!

A new study shows that 60% of adults can’t digest milk. However, that number quickly rises to 95% when you add Kahlua and vodka and blend it with some ice.

More complaints were filed last year against debt collectors than any other industry, the National Association of Attorneys General announced Monday. But that’s only because they won’t let us classify the IRS as an industry.

The Walt Disney Co. said this week that it’s acquiring Marvel Entertainment for $4 billion in cash and stock, bringing characters like Iron Man and Spider-Man under the same roof with Mickey Mouse and WALL-E. And setting the stage for Marvel Team Up: Wolverine and Tinkerbell, available soon at a comic shop near you.

New research reveals that adolescent girls who practice Tetris over a three-month period showed greater brain efficiency. The girls also had a thicker cortex than those in a control group, but once that was discovered, the girls in the control group teased the Tetris players for weeks over their fat cortexes until the Tetris players reduced their cortex size in the fastest way known to science — watching a marathon of shows on The CW.

Former Red Sox pitcher Curt Schilling is reportedly considering a run for Ted Kennedy’s senate seat. In Schilling’s favor is the fact that he’s quite popular in the Boston area. Working against him, though, is the sad fact that as far as anyone knows, Schilling hasn’t killed even one secretary. So unless he can prove that blood on his sock wasn’t his, he might want to reconsider.

This weekend is Labor Day, the traditional end of summer here in the US. However, you didn’t need to know Labor Day was here to know the summer was about over, because the signs are obvious if you know where to look, starting with…

Tgreen’s Top Ten Signs That Summer’s Over:
10. Store shelves reach critical mass of Halloween, Thanksgiving and Christmas items
9. Your school teacher friends stop acting so smug about all their vacation time and start refilling their Valium prescriptions
8. Baseball widows suddenly transform into football widows
7. More non-robots than robots on the movie theater screen
6. The A train becomes 12% less stinky
5. TV Guide stops using shows from TLC or Food Network in its What to Watch highlights and starts using broadcast networks again
4. You stop worrying about your kid surfing porn sites and start worrying about your kid surfing homework cheating sites
3. You find yourself wondering where you packed away the blankets
2. Girl-watching in city parks gradually begins to become less fun
1. Top Ten lists stop using the word “beach”, start using the word “rake”

And that’s all we have time for this week. Drop by again next week to see if the long weekend gives me time to come up with some fresh material (spoiler alert: it doesn’t). Until then, enjoy your last 3-day weekend for awhile, keep your Pepsi out of my Jack, get ready for some football, and, of course, have a Happy Friday!

T “fetch mommy a blanket, won’t you?” green

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By Tgreen, August 30, 2009 11:30 am

Welcome to Happy Friday, the weekly blog post that apparently has a pretty liberal definition of Friday. And, for that matter, of Happy.

I would’ve been on time this week, but I decided to play a little drinking game where I took a shot every time I heard or read the word “Chappaquiddick”, and I managed to polish off about 2 bottles of Jack Daniel’s in the first hour. I don’t remember much after that, but I think I may have taken a road trip with Sasquatch and the Cream of Wheat Monster.

A new study released this week found that obese people have 8 percent less brain tissue than normal-weight individuals. And 16 percent more secret sauce.

Astronomers have found what appears to be a gigantic suicidal planet whose orbit is bringing it directly into its sun. They figured it was suicidal when they discovered a breakup letter from Jupiter and a huge container of Ben & Jerry’s Comet Crunch in orbit around it.

The first gaming/texting addiction clinic in the US opened this week, but you probably missed the announcement because you were playing Mafia Wars and then writing about it on Facebook.

So far there’s no clinic for writing lame Top Ten lists online. Not that I’m addicted. I can quit any time. And have, like a dozen times the last ten years.

This week it was discovered that a black man was replaced with a white man in a Microsoft online advertisement intended for use in Poland. There was a bit of an uproar about it, but it’s a fairly common thing in advertising. It even has a name. When you replace a black man with a white man, they call it a “Jackson”.

KFC is now offering in two test markets a sandwich that consists of bacon, two kinds of cheeses and sauce between two pieces of fried chicken. Shortly after the sandwich was announced, former President Bill Clinton checked himself into a local hospital for a preemptive triple bypass.

According to technology company McAfee Security, Jessica Biel is the most dangerous celebrity on the Web, because searches for Biel are more likely to lead to online threats such as spyware and viruses than searches for any other celebrity. Before this announcement, the most dangerous celebrity web search was for “Larry King sex video.” Not because it gave your computer a virus, but because it showed you a video of Larry King having sex.

Now, however, Biel is even more dangerous, since a search might bring people here, and no good can come from visiting this page. Sorry.

This week there were reports that Rudy Giuliani may run for governor of New York State. First Bill Clinton brings those women back from North Korea and now Mayor Rudy wants to run for office again. All we need is for OJ to kill someone else and it’ll be like the 90s never left.

And to be honest, I get a little suspicious any time we go too long without some news on OJ, so he might be way out ahead of me already.

This week a steam-powered car set a new speed record. And in other news, it’s the 21st fucking Century. What’s next, a new Twitter app for your telegraph?

As you no doubt heard a thousand times this week, Senator Ted Kennedy died after a battle with brain cancer. In Washington DC, deaths of that magnitude are generally dignified, non-partisan affairs. However, from time to time things don’t go exactly as planned, as you can tell by reading…

Tgreen’s Top Ten Awkward Moments At Ted Kennedy’s Funeral:
10. Funeral procession had to change route four times to avoid driving over any bridges
9. Rally caps ordered for Rush Limbaugh’s after-party accidentally delivered to church
8. Former President George W Bush kept referring to the late Senator as JFK
7. Services delayed an hour as family members tried to remember which other family members they weren’t speaking to (Sorry, that’s one of Tgreen’s Top Ten Awkward Moments At Every Irish Funeral)
6. Kennedy in-law Arnold Schwarzenegger’s tears began flowing from above his eyebrows thanks to several rounds of plastic surgery over the years
5. Unfortunate scuffle in back of church as President Obama attempted to tape Joe Biden’s mouth shut to keep him from saying something stupid
4. Fox News van hosted pre-funeral tailgate party
3. Church ushers forced to work overtime to get women to proper aisles depending on whether they were wives, girlfriends, or assorted mistresses
2. On way to cemetary, half the funeral procession accidentally took wrong turn and started following group of Michael Jackson fans commemorating the King of Pop’s 51st birthday
1. Bar tab for wake arrived looking bigger than the amount owed for the Cash for Clunkers program

And that’s all we have time for this week. Come back next time to see how close to Friday I can hit. Until then, don’t forget to start stocking up on beer and snacks because the football season is about to start and if you’re not prepared to stuff your face you might as well not be an American.

T “shuttle train” green

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By Tgreen, August 21, 2009 1:05 am

Hello and welcome to Happy Friday, the weekly blog post that’s had all it can stands, and it can’t stands no more!

NFL QB Brett Favre came out of retirement this week and signed with the Minnesota Vikings. Former Vikings QB Fran Tarkenton blasted the move as a “circus.” But come on, he said the same thing when John Davidson returned from a contract dispute on That’s Incredible, so how can you even listen to him?

Hey, Brett Favre is old, so the references are old. It’s out of my hands.

In other sports news, the world track and field federation requested a gender test on an 18-year-old runner about three weeks ago amid speculation that she does not meet the requirements to compete as a woman. Officials became suspicious when her 12″ penis flopped out and broke the tape at the end of a race.

Plus, her last name is Semenya, which is probably one of the worst last names to have if you want to deflect suspicion that you’re not a woman.

The worst last name to have, by the way, is probably Ballscratchenya.

This week a hacker was busted for stealing 130 million credit card accounts.

And that’s how the escort service got charged to your husband’s credit card. Really.

In other computer news, a study shows that 40% of all Twitter posts are useless babbling. Which just proves that whoever did this study must have graded on a very, very generous curve.

Apple announced this week that it’s investigating a couple of instances where iPhones have exploded. So far theyBOOM! Ow.

This week while on vacation, the Obamas saw Old Faithful erupt — then they bid former President Clinton goodbye and headed to Yellowstone Park.

According to a survey taken by Westin hotels, 51% of respondents would prefer a perfect night’s sleep to great sex. Contrary to stereotype, more men than women picked sleep over sex, but a follow-up question revealed that this was only because the mattress doesn’t complain if the sleeping abruptly ends significantly earlier than planned.

And according to another survey, men are much more likely to seek and have casual sex than women, and are far less choosy about the looks of their sex partners. This survey was sponsored by your friends at Jose Cuervo.

The Swiss banking giant UBS on Wednesday reached a final deal with the Justice Department and the Internal Revenue Service in which it will disclose names and account details for more than 4,450 wealthy Americans suspected of tax evasion. And in a related story, the Republican Party has declared war on Switzerland.

And speaking of the GOP, former Director of Homeland Security Tom Ridge will say in his upcoming memoir that in 2004 he was asked by administration officials to raise the nation’s security threat level to help boost George W Bush’s reelection chances. This revelation is shocking and just proves that some politicians will do anything to sell a book — even, as hard as it may be to believe, tell the truth.

A new study released this week shows that without landmarks to guide them, people walk around and around on circles. Finally, an explanation for my entire career! And most every company I’ve ever worked for!

Hurricane Bill this week threatened several islands in the Carribean. So far meteorologists have been unable to explain why the hurricane keeps making a beeline for the nearest dorms at women’s colleges.

Scientists at the Goddard Space Flight Center detected the amino acid glycine in comet bits brought back in 2006 by the NASA space probe Stardust. This discovery of a basic building block of life located somewhere other than the planet Earth will eventually help scientists figure out such great mysteries like why Tom DeLay will be a contestant on the next season of Dancing With The Stars.

Well, that Tom DeLay story was everywhere I looked the other day, so it must be that important.

Magician David Copperfield was hit with a sexual harrasment suit this week. Apparently he tried to pull the rabbit out of the wrong place this time.

The King of Pop’s burial will be delayed two days because, according to his father Joe Jackson, they still need to get a few more things before they’re ready. Like, for example, Joe Jackson needs to get in another beating or two while it’s still an option.

New polls show that President Obama’s approval ratings have dropped from where they were at the end of his first hundred days. A White House spokesman says the President isn’t worried, but just in case he decides he needs a boost, he could do a lot worse than to consider…

Tgreen’s Top Ten Ways Obama Can Regain Some Popularity:
10. Cheat on Hillary with an intern
9. Forget universal health care and give the people what they really want, universal free porn
8. Start off his weekly Internet address by kicking Joe Biden in the nads
7. Stock administration with people who look so evil he can’t help but look good in comparison — I hear Dick Cheney’s available
6. Turn health care debate into year-long episode of American Idol
5. Drag John Edwards and his illegitimate child around to remind everyone who they could’ve been stuck with as President
4. Promise to reveal spoilers for final season of Lost if his ratings go back above 60%
3. Ignore warnings about imminent al Qaeda attacks (hey, it worked for the last guy)
2. Read JFK bio, recreate one JFK policy per day, blog about it, and hope they can get Meryl Streep to play JFK in the movie
1. Outlaw all Top Ten Lists with fewer than three potential punchlines

And that’s all we have time for this week. Until next time, keep cool and, if you ride the subway, please don’t forget the deodorant. Your fellow passengers thank you in advance.

T “indubitably” green

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By Tgreen, August 14, 2009 12:31 am

Hello and welcome to Happy Friday, the weekly blog post that’s just a city boy, born and raised in South Detroit.

This week Bob Dylan announced that he’ll be releasing a Christmas album this holiday season. It’s possible that this will be Dylan’s first album of Christmas songs in his long career, but given the murky vocals on many of his recordings, no one can know for sure.

A recent survey claims that women who drink two glasses of wine a day have better sex lives than women who don’t drink anything. The same survey revealed that women who drink six glasses of wine a day are more likely to have their sex lives turn up on YouTube than women who don’t drink anything.

And as always, the survey said that women who drink two six-packs of Schlitz a day can’t even give it away.

The NYPD is investigating a police officer who told a subway passenger trying to report a man masturbating on the train that it was not a police matter. The officer instead told the passenger to call the city’s information hotline and either report the incident as performing in the subway system without a proper license if the man didn’t complete the act, or littering if he did.

This week Best Buy’s website accidentally listed a $1,799 52-inch flatscreen TV for $9.99. The error was discovered quickly, but not before thousands of people had placed orders. Best Buy said it will honor the price on the website, but only if buyers also purchase a 2-year extended warranty for $1790.

Which is actually only about 20 bucks more than those warranties usually go for, so it’s still not a bad deal at all.

According to a recent study, 70% of American’s think that women should take their husband’s name when they marry. Hanging strong in the other 30%? The future Mrs. Dixon Cox, the future Mrs. Buster Cherry and the future Mrs. Nescobar Aloplop.

Reports are leaking out this week that in an upcoming memoir, former Vice President Dick Cheney will express his disappointment with George W. Bush’s behavior over the last couple of years of his Presidency. This makes it unanimous now, right?

Scientists said this week that based on the results of a study of rats, 10 days of eating a high fat diet can lead to laziness and stupidity. And in a relattnkqelnnflqe….oh, screw it, these keys are sooooo heavy and I don’t remember what I was going 2 say anyway.

Secret White House memos revealed an $80 billion deal with the pharmaceutical lobby designed to move President Obama’s health care reform plan forward. The bad news? Drug prices will continue to be high no matter what kind of health care deal ultimately passes. The good news? Free Flintstones vitamins for every American citizen. But there won’t be any Dinos, because the President was traumatized as a child when he saw the episode where Dino spoke.

In sports news, the Philadelphia Eagles this week signed quarterback Michael Vick to a 2-year contract. Vick has missed the last 2 seasons because he was in jail for several charges related to dogfighting. Vick had originally hoped to be signed by the Cleveland Browns, but everyone involved thought that might be a little inappropriate.

Because their fans are called The Dawg Pound.

See what I did there?

Wal-Mart is taking some heat for releasing cookies that people say are a direct copy of a couple of popular Girl Scout cookies, Thin Mints and Tagalongs. A spokesperson for Wal-Mart said the cookies are not copies and are completely original creations, just like their Walritos Cool Ranch Tortilla Chips, their Wal Whip dessert topping, and the new Big Mart burger available for purchase at their new McMart’s fast food chain.

Former Presidential candidate John Edwards is expected to admit that the daughter born to his former mistress is in fact his child. He’s apparently been ready to admit this for awhile, but he’s just waiting for a really busy news day to do it on so that maybe it gets lost in the shuffle. He’s also considering doing it on his wife’s birthday. He hasn’t decided yet.

There have been reports this week that the Spider-Man musical has run out of money and will not, in fact, be premiering on Broadway next February as planned. This is actually good news, as it will allow the producers plenty of time to mount a production of something from…

Tgreen’s Top Ten Musicals Even Lamer Than A Spider-Man Musical:
10. TV Guide, The Musical
9. Imus!
8. Tiptoe Through The Tulips, The Tiny Tim Story
7. Twitterpalooza
6. My Fair Biz Markie
5. Jersey Boys II, Bon Jovi Boogaloo
4. Celebrity Rehab: Jeff Conaway v Gary Busey
3. Metallica Mia
2. MacGruber!
1. The Phantom of the Top Ten List

And that’s all we have time for this week. Until next time, put your feet on the ground, and keep reaching for the remote, because Mad Men season 3 premieres this weekend.

T “green label” green

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By Tgreen, August 7, 2009 1:20 am

This week Radio Shack announced that it’s changing its name to The Shack. The Shack promises to offer the same poor selection and high prices that Radio Shack always did, so don’t worry, electronics consumer.

A New York City woman who says she can’t find a job is suing the college where she earned a bachelor’s degree. After that trial is over she plans to sue her high school because she didn’t get kissed at her prom, the manufacturer of her TV for getting her hooked on Big Brother, and Victoria’s Secret for the way her ass looks in her bathing suit.

A science journal was forced to retract a paper about sperm created from stem cells. As embarrasing as this was, it could’ve been worse. They could’ve had to retract the sperm too.

In other science news, a New Mexico inventor has developed a fuel that’s made out of Mountain Dew. The fuel, which is comprised of 80% Mountain Dew and 20% gasoline, actually beats regular Mountain Dew in taste tests 3 to 1.

A married man who planned to rendezvous with one of his lovers at a Wisconsin motel instead found himself bound and assaulted by a group of women, including his wife, who glued his penis to his thigh. As bad as this was, it could’ve been worse. They could’ve glued it to his cheek.

Last week it was revealed that the Pope signed a record deal. The version of Ave Maria he cut with the Black Eyed Peas? It’s got a good beat and you can dance to it.

Aerosmith lead singer Steven Tyler sustained head, neck and shoulder injuries after falling off the stage during a concert this week. As painful as this was, it could’ve been worse. He could’ve actually paid to see Aerosmith in concert.

Republicans played a trick on Democrats this week when they redirected angry telephone calls coming into their switchboard to the Democratic National Committee. This caused an awkward moment when former Vice President Al Gore, calling because he was angry over the Republican stand on environmental issues, ended up being forwarded to his own office phone and talking for an hour before he realized what was going on.

Police were called to break up a riot in Tampa at a rally for health care reform. The riot was started by anti-reform people who later claimed they were egged on by Conservative commentator Glenn Beck. Ironically, most of the injured rioters were forced to pay extra for treatment because they had to go to doctors outside of their approved network.

Former President Bill Clinton went to North Korea this week and brokered a deal to release two American female journalists. Of course he did. Who else would you send out to pick up two women but Bill Clinton?

It makes you wonder, though, in what other ways could he aid the Obama administration…

Tgreen’s Top Ten Other Secret Missions Bill Clinton Could Pull Off:
10. Uncover international baby back rib smuggling ring
9. Instruct Obama’s inner circle in fine art of hiding from Hillary
8. Head up selection committee for new crop of White House interns
7. Pull a Vince Foster on chatty VP Joe Biden
6. Team up with Pussy Galore (sorry, that’s one of Tgreen’s Top Ten Things Bill Clinton Did More Than 100 Times While In Office)
5. Bury any potentially controversial birth records forever by tying them to the twists and turns of the average Arkansas family tree
4. Open diplomatic relations with the French President’s wife Carla Bruni, if you know what I mean, and I think you do
3. Travel to McDonald’s to liberate a couple of Big Macs
2. Follow directions hidden on the dollar bill and in the Declaration of Independence to discover secret location of Ted Kennedy’s porn stash
1. Help OJ find the real killers (sorry, that’s one of Tgreen’s Top Ten Top Ten List Punchlines He Absolutely Refuses To Retire)

Welcome back to Happy Friday, President Clinton. It’s been way too long.

That’s all we have time for this week. Be sure to check back next time to see if we can dig up a punchline even older than OJ.

T “you’re gonna need a bigger boat” green