Sure, do an Election Day update. It’s fast, it’s easy, and it only takes a day. There’s no way it could go as badly as the last time you tried it back in 2000. No way at all…

Last night while several battleground states were still counting votes, President Trump prematurely declared victory. If you may recall, Stormy Daniels warned us this was a possibility with him.

What I don’t understand is why so many people were surprised he did it. All signs pointed to this happening, the biggest sign, of course, being that he’d previously said he wouldn’t do it. Saying one thing while he’s planning to do the opposite is kind of his tell.

I think a lot of people voted for Trump because they figured with four more years he might finally — even if completely by accident — release his health care plan.

Granted, most of them voted for him because of the white supremacy, but some did it for the health care thing.

And some did it only for the Tweets:

I wonder if it’s possible for that IRS audit to last another four years, though.

Trump also announced he’s asking for a recount in Wisconsin, which is his right. Candidates have to pay for recalls they ask for, at a cost of approximately $3 million, so I would strongly suggest that Wisconsin get that money up front, if you know what I mean.

Joe Biden, in contrast, has spoken twice about patience. Patience in waiting for all the ballots to be counted. Patience in waiting for him to get his transition team up and running. Patience in waiting for the Democratic Party to become a party people actually want to vote for, and not just occasionally feel like they have to vote for to prevent the GOP from turning the country into an authoritarian nightmare.

To be honest, I’m not sure I can live long enough to see that last one.

Trump is actually threatening at least 3 lawsuits right now, and even Rudy Giuliani can’t handle all of them, so it’s obvious the President is going to need some more lawyers. I wonder if he’s desperate enough yet to give this guy a call…

And that’s all we have time for today. Tune in tomorrow for another Election Day Update, since it’s obvious this is just going to drag on forever at this point.

T “I declare that every Happy Friday Top Ten List in history was hilarious” green

They’re counting up the votes and people are counting up their anxieties and I’m counting up how many bottles of Jack Daniels I’ve got in the house in case I need them.

Which makes me wonder, what time exactly does the Trump campaign hand out the paper cups of Kool-Aid tonight? And do you all have to drink them at the same time or does it vary by time zone?

Just like all of you, I’ve seen hundreds and hundreds of political memes over the last 4 years. The latest one is from Republican voters telling me it’s important to vote policy, not personality. And that’s fair. But they’re not telling me which policies I’m supposed to vote for. The policies that block legal immigration? The policies that want to take away health care from millions of people without offering up a replacement? The policies that hand huge tax cuts to rich people and corporations while specifically screwing over taxpayers in left-leaning states? The policies that totally ignore a global pandemic? There’s just so much to choose from. They need to be more specific.

In other news of the coming Apocalypse, this week Costco stopped carrying a brand of coconut water because the company that makes the water uses forced monkey labor to gather the coconuts, which just goes to prove that I’m the only person who’s actually watched all of the Planet of the Apes movies and knows what forced monkey labor leads to.

The bad news is the President has threatened to send his lawyers anywhere he thinks the vote count is suspicious. The good news is, this is one of his lawyers:

Trump is riding out election night in the White House, where he’ll be hosting a party of approximately 250 people. It was originally going to be a larger group, but 250 is all that’s left from his circle that he hasn’t infected with COVID.

Remember when Bernie Sanders thought he was gonna be President? Crazy times, man. Crazy times.

I don’t know who’s going to win this election, though I’ve got my suspicions. But one thing I know for sure is that win or lose, on the morning of January 21, 2021, Donald Trump will be planted in front of a TV, watching Fox and Friends, and not doing the job of the President of the United States.

And that’s all we’ve got time for tonight. Stay tuned to find out how the series finale of American Democracy ends. Wait, no, I meant season finale, not series finale. Didn’t I?

T “too early to call” green

Election Day rolls on, though to be honest I mostly know that because cable news is dredging up anyone with a pulse and a webcam to offer up an opinion on what’s happening. I apologize in advance if I miss any of you folks when you get your 15 minutes.

There was an awkward moment at the polls this morning when First Lady Melania Trump had trouble reading her ballot. She told the poll workers she just wanted to vote for the barely coherent old man who could barely get through an entire day without embarrassing himself and they said they’d need some more info in order to narrow it down.

And speaking of Melania, if her husband loses I wonder if this is the night he tells her that there’s not enough money in the bank to cover her pre-nup. Might as well tear off all the band-aids at the same time, right?

This week McDonald’s announced it’s bringing the McRib back for a limited time nationwide, so that even if Trump loses you’ll still have all the pig anus in your life that you want in the month of December.

And speaking of pig anus, in South Carolina Lindsey Graham is battling it out in a close race to hold on to his seat. Things got so bad he was reduced to begging for donations on Fox News, and that got him in trouble because you’re only allowed to go on Fox News to beg for money if you’ve got a book to sell. Preferably with the word “killing” somewhere in the title, but they’ve relaxed that rule a little since they had to fire Bill O’Reilly.

This week in the first real look he’s given us at his health care plan, President Trump abandoned his rally attendees to the cold and darkness three different times. But the good news is this plan has a lot less paperwork than Obamacare.

Former Presidents Bush and Clinton both voted this morning. Clinton voted for Biden, and Bush declined to say who he voted for. Oddly enough, in an early count of votes in Chicago it was revealed that Former President Harry Truman also cast a vote for Joe Biden this morning.

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi announced this week that if the Democrats hold on to their majority in the House, she will run again to be Speaker of the House. Because apparently the age limit for running for anything in Congress is like 150.

Yes, Rudy Giuliani’s had kind of a rough time of it lately, but despite all that he still wants to make sure everybody gets out to vote and stays safe while doing so, as you’ll see if you take a look at…

Rudy Giuliani’s Top Five Election Day Tips:

5. When you leave your coffin to vote, make sure the sun is completely down first.

4. Be sure to use an absentee ballot if your polling place is a church or other house of worship

3. If you encounter a young woman who wants to talk to you while you’re on your way to vote, definitely follow her to whatever hotel room she wants to to lead you into

2. It’s best to mail in your ballot if you plan to spend a couple of months dumpster diving for opposition research in the Ukraine

1. Be sure to vote for whoever offers a health care plan that will let you replace all your ugly teeth at once, so you don’t have to replace the top ones and then just stop there for some reason.

And that’s all we have time for this afternoon. Get out there and vote if you haven’t already, and we’ll be back tonight for the Lightning Round, when the pundits get louder and the need for a stiff drink doubles.

T “ask not what your Top Five list can do for you” green

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand we’re back. I know it’s been awhile since the last time we did one of these. It was on the occasion of Donald Trump’s 100th day in office, which feels like it was 3,000 years ago but really was only about 2,578 years ago, so that’s hardly any time at all. But since we’re about to live through the biggest Election Day since the last one, I thought it might be fun to drop in and see if we learned anything from last time.

Me, I learned that a lot of people were clearly not paying attention in grammar school, but that’s just me.

There’s gonna be a lot of map watching today. To see which states go for each candidate, sure. But also to see which countries might let President Trump move there if he loses and has to hide out from the US Justice system.

But by now the polls are open across the United States, and so far today Trump has only filed 6 lawsuits with the Supreme Court to cancel the election and declare him the winner, so it’s obvious he’s treating the day with the respect it deserves.

The President is also planning to spend the day rage-tweeting about Hillary’s emails and the size of his inauguration crowd, so don’t be alarmed if it feels like Twitter is accidentally reposting things from four years ago. That’s actually new content.

Democratic candidate Joe Biden started his Election Day at church, where he visited the grave of his dead son Beau Biden. Or as the President referred to it, “not being good enough to get a guest slot on Fox and Friends like I did, loser.”

Biden has a big day ahead of himself, though. His schedule shows a mid-morning nap, an afternoon nap, an early evening siesta, two power naps, and an hour of executive time, with the location for that given as the comfy chair in his study.

The President, on the other hand, will be holding multiple rallies across the country because it turns out he has not yet hit his annual quota for spreading the coronavirus. If he hits his quota he gets a bonus — several thousand fewer fans to have to pretend he likes, so here’s wishing the President good luck as he tried to achieve that goal.

A group of Trump supporters blocked traffic on the Garden State Parkway this weekend, which just goes to show that despite catching the coronavirus at the White House last month, former governor Chris Christie is still willing to pitch in with some campaign ideas. Good for you, Governor.

There was an awkward moment at the ballot box this morning when candidate Joe Biden was overheard requesting a write-in ballot and asking how to spell “Obama.”

Recently Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell was photographed with bruises on his face and dark purple hands. He said he was fine, but people were understandably curious as to what had happened to him. It remained a mystery until now, as you’ll see when you take a peek at…

Tgreen’s Top Five Explanations For What the Hell Happened to Mitch McConnell:

5. Prince cosplay went horribly awry

4. Tried to Smurf himself and something went Smurfy

3. His own blood said, “I’ve had enough of this clown” and went looking for a better home

2. Wanted to more closely resemble his favorite President but they were out of orange paint at the Walmart

1. Swiped a piece of gum from Violet Beauregard and is just waiting for the Oompa Loompas to sing him off

And that’s all we have time for in this morning’s Election Day update. We’ll be back in a couple of hours for another check on today’s progress.

T “Dewey Defeats Truman” green

Big old wall of words coming at you to talk about writing, and planning, and doing both poorly, and also an update on the sad but inevitable fate of Happy Friday. Take a look, if you dare…

Longtime readers — and you know who they are because they’re the ones who run in the other direction at the first sign of the phrase “longtime readers”; I mean, Carolyn’s read so many of these things I think she gets on a plane to another country any time I start a paragraph with the letter L just to be safe — may recall back in 2015 when I tracked my daily writing with a countdown from January 1 to December 31. When that ended, I still tried to keep up the daily schedule but missed a day sometime in January, then missed another day, and eventually lapsed back into my usual writing schedule of doing something when I felt like it or when I had a deadline.

Which is why when 2017 rolled around, I did the same thing. I wrote every day and did a little social media countdown to keep myself honest. And again, on December 31 I stopped, figuring I’d made my point. And maybe I did, because this time I didn’t stop the daily writing. Sure, some days it was revising old stuff instead of all new writing. And some days it was a few sentences or paragraphs. But other days it was a couple thousand words. The point is, I didn’t stop when the countdown stopped. I still haven’t stopped. I’ve done something writing-related every day since January 1, 2017. This had been good and bad.

It’s been good because, hey, it’s always good to get the words down on paper, or on the screen. But it’s been bad because it’s hard to stay focused every day. It’s hard to stay goal-oriented when some days you’re just too tired to put the words in any kind of order. It’s too easy to focus on whatever you’re working on at that moment without seeing how, or even if, it fits into some bigger plan. It gets easy to abandon any sense of a bigger plan because you can always say you’re working every day and therefore of course you’re being productive.

But over the last 2+ years, I realized that the daily work is worth a lot more if it’s directed at a specific goal. It doesn’t mean I’m any better at doing it that way, but at least I know when I’m doing something constructive and when I might just be spinning my wheels, and that’s a start.

My pattern for the last couple of years has been pretty consistent. I shoot for a story for The First Line every quarter, depending on what line they’re offering, though usually I take a shot no matter what the line is. Sometimes I just don’t end up with a complete story, and whatever I wrote sits unfinished in the archives unless and until I find some way to repurpose it. I also try to shoot for The Last Line and Tales from whatever industry they’re highlighting that year. This keeps me working on at least 6 short stories a year, and I usually find another couple of places to submit to, which helps to give me things to focus on.

I also do NaNoWriMo every year, which forces me to bang out 50K words in a month. I’ve written several awful books this way, and I’ve also written a couple of books that might be worth something if I put in the work. And that’s been the dilemma I’ve faced the last few years. Do I bail on the short stories and put in the time on one of these novels, or do I stick to the somewhat instant gratification of the short stories and hope that somehow I’ll squeeze in time for one of the novels someday? The last few years I’ve mostly been doing that second one, and it hasn’t really worked.

So when it came time to figure out the plan for 2019, I thought I’d put the short stories aside for a bit and focus on a novel. Last year I’d picked this space opera thing that was mostly a love letter to the Star Wars and Star Trek of my youth and that wasn’t completely awful. To fix it I’d need to do a lot of world building and to be honest I got lazy about it. Instead I moved to another book that was kind of a suburban noir. It also needed work, like it needed at least one new character added in there so that the ending made more sense, but that level of work seemed a little easier. So I picked that as my 2019 work.

Then, while flying the red eye from Arizona in early January, I had an idea for a project. Four parts, spread out over the year. Four stories. All stand-alone and all taking place in Arizona. I sketched out a few ideas and went to work, because the first story had a February 1 deadline. I started a story, ran out of steam, started a second story, ran out of steam, figured out how the first story was supposed to go and went back to that, all while trying to live a life and do my day job.

It didn’t work. I was still standing up and punching as late as 11PM on January 31, but I just couldn’t make the deadline. So now I have to decide if I walk away and go back to my original plans for 2019, or if I take a crack at the next story anyway and see if I can make it work with a decent amount of time to dedicate to it. The cool thing about the idea, for me, was that the stories would be stand-alone, but when they were all finished, I’d add some common thread to the ones that didn’t sell and maybe try to self-publish a little novella. And that’s the thing that keeps me considering this idea at all after last month’s failure.

I’ve still given up on any other short story work for the year unless some amazing idea comes to me, because it’s past time to get serious with editing and revising one of these novels to try and sell. I’ve done some work on that suburban noir already, and that space opera thing never completely leaves my brain, so I’m gonna devote some time to that one as well. The goal is to have at least one of them more closely resembling an actual book by the end of 2019. There’s still a ton more that would have to be done after that, but it’s a huge first step I’ve never quite achieved before. Now I get to see if I can do it.

Of course, if the opportunity to write a reboot of happens to come up, all these plans get thrown out the window, so if you’ve got any casting ideas for 2019’s Sheriff Lobo, feel free to send them my way.

The problem, though, is my brain is like a magnet for questionable story ideas, and just last week something I wrote to someone in an email got me thinking, and now I have several pages of notes I’m writing to try and convince myself to write the damn thing, or to not write the damn thing. It’s kind of hard to tell sometimes. All of which is kind of a long way to say that planning is hard and almost never works. There’s a little free hard-earned wisdom from your Uncle T.

And since people have asked, I suppose I should give an update about the only writing of mine some of you folks care about. Happy Friday. People want to know if Happy Friday is ever coming back. And the answer is that I used to think it was, but since it’s been dead and gone since Trump’s 100th day, it seems obvious that Happy Friday is official done for. It had a good run but everything has to end sometime, and that last Top 100 List was as good a way as any to wrap things up. So yeah, Happy Friday is finished. More than wenty years, on and off, is nothing to sneeze at, but that’s enough. If I was ever gonna write a funny joke, I’m sure it would’ve happened already. So Rest In Peace, Happy Friday.

Which, of course, means it’ll be back at some point to cover the 2020 election season. I’m feeling pretty confident this election is the one that’s gonna finally break this country, and I would hate to miss out on that. So I just have to get some momentum on the fiction writing and then we’ll all get to see if I’ve got anything left in the tank to document the absolute fucking circus I expect 2020 to be.

T “this was way too many words to have to read on a Monday morning so I don’t blame all of you for never making it all the way down to here” green

Since the era of FDR, I think, people have used a new President’s first 100 days in office as a shorthand way to assess how he’s doing. As the days counted down on Donald Trump’s 100th day in office, his administration started scrambling like a C student in high school who has a book report on To Kill A Mockingbird due at the end of the week and he doesn’t even know what a mockingbird is, much less why anyone would need to kill one. And the reason behind this scramble is a perceived lack of accomplishment on the part of the new Trump Administration. And this could not be further from the truth. Donald Trump, in his first 100 days, has accomplished some fantastic things. A huge amount of things, let me tell you. Way more than Hillary accomplished. Or Obama or Bush or any other President. And you’ll see exactly what he’s done when you take a peek (though for your own safety I would advise that you not do it) at…

Tgreen’s Top 100 Things Donald Trump Accomplished In His First 100 Days:

1. Gave Stephen Colbert enough of a ratings boost to stick it to Jimmy Fallon
2. Signed executive order banning Jar-Jar from being in any of the new Star Wars movies
3. Kept Vice President Christie and Supreme Court Justice Giuliani as players in your nightmare and not an actual thing
4. Left a trail of $100 bills to lead unsuspecting followers straight to the offices of Goldman Sachs
5. Got Layla added to White House karaoke machine
6. Finally broke the glass ceiling to get some rich white guys into government
7. Crushed ISIS on Day 1, though he was not expecting ISIS’s identical twin cousin to arrive on the scene so quickly and start causing trouble
8. Guaranteed that whatever part of NAFTA ensures a steady supply of Timbits will not be renegotiated
9. Stopped three terrorists on the 6th hole at Mar-a-lago and birdied the hole while bringing them in
10. Ensured George W. Bush will forever never be worse than second-least articulate President
11. Inspired at least five different plot lines for Lex Luthor in the next two year’s worth of Superman comics
12. Introduced legislation to prevent any Three Stooges marathon from showing more than two Shemps in a row
13. Created 10K new jobs in the spray tan dye manufacturing industry
14. Helped keep Alec Baldwin from having too much free time
15. Guaranteed that there will be no shortage of potential stars of his inevitable biopic
16. Helped whoever picked 87% as the percentage of things he’d blame Obama for win a tidy sum
17. Took down Obamacare about as effectively as Boss Hogg took down the Duke boys
18. Did not have sex with that woman, Miss Lewinski
19. Found a way to get Billy Bush off your TV screen
20. Introduced the country to the raw sensual heat that is VP Mike Pence
21. Even if it was only for a few minutes, allowed Newt Gingrich to be the voice of reason somewhere, some how
22. Prevented Hillary Clinton from bombing Syria and turning our government over to the leeches at Goldman Sachs
23. Did almost as much to prevent President George Pataki as George Pataki did
24. Worked double time to make telling the truth just one of several options in your everyday interactions
25. Kicked off investigation into why the McRib is not a regular menu item anymore
26. Set new White House Buffalo Wing eating contest record
27. So far has resisted the urge to turn the Department of Education into a subsidiary of Trump University
28. Managed to outpace the One Lie a Day that most people predicted for him
29. Proved that Mitt Romney was right to call Russia our #1 enemy back in 2012
30. Did not grab Angela Merkel by the pussy, as far as we know
31. Managed to outlast both Roger Ailes and Bill O’Reilly
32. Sent Kellyann Conway to the cornfield without anyone noticing
33. Found a way to make Kim Jong Un seem like a sober world leader
34. Promised that immigrants will always have a place here, and by here we mean working for less than minimum wage at some Trump-owned company
35. Proved that orange Kool-Aid is apparently the best Kool-Aid
36. Continues to do whatever he has to do to make sure we never have to see that tape of two Russian hookers peeing on him
37. Inspired John McCain to start his own revolution, which apparently involves voting for every Trump nominee
38. Makes Groot seem like the picture of eloquence
39. Has so far not actually hired Sarah Palin to do anything
40. Gave his kids jobs when it was obvious nobody else would
41. Put the bop in the bop-shoo-bop-shoo-bop
42. Also put the ram in the ram-a-lam-a-ding-dong
43. Has allowed his old Tweets to turn into some kind of Museum of Delusion and seems perfectly okay with this
44. Proved what we always suspected: reading is for nerds and science is for Poindexters
45. Was somehow involved in helping Roger Kraft get another Super Bowl ring to replace the one Putin stole
46. Hired Ben Carson, which proved every useless and unqualified person in his Contacts list isn’t white
47. Lack of praiseworthy results has allowed conservative news outlets to blow through their inventory of anti-Obama and anti-Hillary stories
48. Pictures of Trump in a truck show potential post-White House career as star of Convoy reboot
49. Manages to keep his lips from moving any time Sean Hannity talks
50. Scored a huge donation from the chocolate cake lobby recently
51. Gave Ted Nugent an excuse to get out of the house, which if nothing else made his family happy for a couple of hours
52. Is choosing to kill the environment in baby steps so at least we have time to document it
53. Hiring Rick Perry ensures that George W. Bush will only ever be the second dumbest man from Texas to work in the Federal government
54. Allowed Jeb Bush the chance to work that old Bush magic on the Florida Marlins, thus lifting the chances for all other NL East teams
55. Doing so much business at Mar-a-lago ensures that only the richest spy agencies will have a shot at learning what he’s up to
56. Creation of “fake news” debate forces media too be focused on itself to keep a close eye on whatever the hell Steve Bannon is up to
57. Every time he mentions North Korea, church attendance across the country spikes
58. Given his preferred skin tone, someone’s gonna score some bucks selling “Trump puts the Peach in Impeachment” t-shirts should the time come
59. Created jobs for 2 additional trainers hired by Ruth Bader Ginsburg to keep her alive
60. Thanks to all its mentions on the news, now a majority of KKK members know how to spell the name of their organization
61. Ensured that Chuck Schumer is no longer always the most annoying politician from NYC
62. Turned Marvel Comics’ upcoming Secret Empire event into at least half documentary
63. Met with Chinese leadership and not once demanded to meet General Tso
64. Set the bar relatively low for any number of future Presidents Kardhasian
65. Hired exactly the right staff to still look like the smartest guy in the room
66. Talked Paul Ryan out of original Obamacare replacement plan: An Advil and two Band-Aids
67. Has so far not been able to deport the guys who mow my lawn
68. Has yet to give the Avengers a reason to assemble against him
69. Abandoned attempt to claim White House was haunted once he was told this would not help him meet those lady Ghostbusters
70. Has only wandered past a White House tour group with his bathrobe open three and a half times
71. Has cut his late night “I’ve got no idea what the fuck I’m doing could I hire your dad to take care of some guys for me?” calls to Ted Cruz down to one a week
72. Set world record for mental impairment diagnosis: somewhere south of 140 characters
73. Has kept Toby Keith busy writing new National Anthem
74. Has helped Lee Greenwood almost catch up on his mortgage payments
75. Nightly news of Trump activities keep Democrats too busy to really look into how they fucked up in 2016
76. Almost always remembers to let Melania out of the Tower every other day or so
77. Has helped remind some people that MSNBC still exists and did not go off the air 12 years ago
78. Might be a rich politician from NYC, but at least he hasn’t tried to take anyone’s soda away
79. Openness to letting everyone own any kind of gun they want will eventually thin the ranks of his supporters by natural selection
80. Has so far not gone through with his Executive Order declaring himself Batman
81. Exact status of his tax returns will one day drive the storyline of one hell of an episode of Scooby-Doo
82. Has managed to keep his campaign engine running at top shape and ready to defeat Hillary Clinton the next time it needs to
83. Chose not to show off and make Democrats feel bad and therefore only kept about five or six campaign promises when he could have totally done them all in the first week, let me tell you
84. Without anyone realizing it, has turned Sean Spicer into the star of a reality prank show called “The Joke’s On You…Period!” that’s getting the best ratings of Trump’s career
85. Had mostly left Japan alone because of how much his sons loved their Shogun Warriors toys when they were kids
86. Has said so many positive things about Brexit in an attempt to keep Hugh Grant from making any more movies
87. Has kept it a secret that he’s really only playing so much golf so he can join the US team at the next Olympics
88. Multiple protests against him are all just part of his plan to get people exercising more
89. Just submitted a really soothing color scheme to be used on our side of the wall
90. Has pitched multiple Snapchat filters to celebrate his birthday because he wants to share with the little people
91. Compiled a list of nearly a dozen rich people who won’t do well under his proposed tax plan in case anyone in the fake media asks him about it
92. Has gone one record saying that Greedo didn’t shoot first
93. Has a mini shortcake sent to Little Marco Rubio’s office every Thursday with a card that says “You’re small, Marco”
94. Satisfied his urge to start a war by playing countless hours of Contra on an old NES
95. Has only tried to take a loan out using the White House as collateral three times
96. By being elected he forced a lot of media outlets to hold onto their “house conservatives”, people who would be unemployable in any other circumstances
97. His actions forced a bunch of his supporters to pipe down on social media after not being able to shut up all through November, December and January
98. Allowed a bunch of people to add “Survive nuclear holocaust” to their bucket lists
99. Somehow managed to pay less in taxes than many of his supporters, not that we’ll ever know for sure
100. Proved beyond a shadow of a doubt that a Top 100 List is an exponentially worse idea than a Top Ten List

T “you’re on your own for the second 100 days” green

I’m Tgreen and this is Happy Friday, the blog post that’s not even supposed to be here today.

Yes, hello and welcome to the end result of a little bit of laziness and a whole lot of dead iPhone. There was supposed to be a Happy Friday last week, and it was actually supposed to happen last Thursday, but then I got lazy on Thursday and then my iPhone spent the entire day on Friday in a mostly dead state. But it’s all fixed now. Well, the phone is fixed. I’m still lazy as all hell, but the phone is fixed and so you get a surprise, never was supposed to happen, Happy Friday on a Wednesday. Aren’t you thankful?

And being thankful is actually the theme of today’s Happy Friday. Yes, they always have themes, didn’t you know that? Most weeks the theme is some variation of “what order can I put the same three ‘jokes’ in this time without anyone noticing?” but still, that counts as a theme. This week, however, it’s Thanksgiving week and that means it’s once again time for Tgreen to help show you just how much you have to be thankful for this year.

Now, I know a lot of you were not happy with the results of this year’s election and are wondering, “what the hell could there possibly be to be thankful for this year?” And I can understand why you feel that way, but don’t you worry. You have so much to be thankful for you’re going to be tired of being thankful, believe me. Your thankfulness is going to be huge, I’m telling you. Real bigly.

And so this Thursday when you sit down at the Thanksgiving table, wedged between your cousin Monica who can’t name the last five Presidents but can name every member of the Kardashian family, and your uncle Joe who accidentally wrote in “Donald Trump” on this year’s ballot because he’s actually been doing that in every election since 1988 and it’s kind of a reflex by now, and you’re hoping that this is the year your stepfather stays sober enough to get through grace without using the word “fuck” at least one time, and you’re wondering if this year your mom remembered to fully cook the sausage she used in the stuffing so there’s no repeat of 2003’s emergency room fiasco, and you’re waiting for your second cousin Carl to finish his annual recap of his favorite Chris Rock bit from 1999 that used to sound kind of racist coming a pasty white guy but now sounds almost Presidential, and you’re struggling not to blast your brother for his continued calls to boycott Hamilton because you’re almost positive he has no idea who or what Hamilton is, and you’re wondering if your sister is really going to get away with her plan to never go back to college because she says she just can’t with this election even though you’re positive her C- average has something to do with it, and you’re kind of embarrassed to admit that you really don’t even like turkey all that much and would be perfectly happy to celebrate Thanksgiving with a double cheeseburger as long as you could have a can of cranberry jelly on the side, just remember that this year you can be thankful…

…that the new President will be able to get right to work without distractions because he’s not going to have some day-glo assclown screaming about his birth certificate every five minutes.

…that a Trump administration might offer the best chance ever to eventually spawn that Hogan’s Heroes reboot you never knew you wanted.

…that President-elect Trump is just warming up for his war on terrorists by first going to war with Hamilton, CNN, SNL, and the New York Times, just like all the great warriors did.

…that a simple $25M payout for the Trump University case saved you from having to admit you ended up voting for the crooked one anyway.

…that Trump is going to make you all forget about the “white sheet” problem some of his supporters bring with them when his clothing company releases its new line of brown and black shirts.

…that if the President-elect keeps assembling his administration the way he has so far, surely it won’t be too much longer before Batman steps in to save us.

…that if CNN reports the story about Trump calling its reporters a pack of liars, and then reports that it was lying about that story, the resulting logic disconnect will cause the average Trump supporter’s brain to short-circuit. At least according to one of Captain Kirk’s more successful plans.

…that in order to avoid the potential for a conflict of interest, President Trump will be turning over the country to the capable hands of his daughter Ivanka. No, wait, not the country. The company. He’s giving her the company. Sorry, honest mistake.

…that you now have the opportunity to suck up to a President just like foreign dignitaries are doing by staying at his new hotel on Pennsylvania Avenue. And you get a mint on your pillow to boot.

…that you won’t have Hillary Clinton to kick around any more. Unless you work for Fox News because they’re still trying to figure out what script to go with for the next four years and will be in a holding pattern until about March or so.

…that the law of averages suggests that not everyone chosen to be part of the administration will be some kind of creep.

…that if you ever watched All the President’s Men you’ve got an outline for how the next four years might go.

…that Trump’s business concerns will be discussed at meetings with foreign leaders only part of the time, when they’re really important, and will almost never be item 1 on the agenda.

…that it’s now a real job to go on cable news and say with a straight face that if the media would just stop pointing cameras at white supremacist meetings the white supremacists would give up and go home, which means you really can get a job doing any crazy thing you can think of nowadays and so you should never give up on your dreams.

…that Vice President-elect Mike Pence is solid, reliable, living, breathing proof that things could always get worse.

…that the Washington Post edited a column last week to remove an aside where Donald Trump once asked if it was wrong to be more sexually attracted to a 13-year-old Ivanka than his own wife, because no one needs that kind of scene in their head. Oh, wait, sorry about that.

…that there’s no way President-elect Trump will go back on his promise to build a wall that Mexico will pay for.

…that there’s no way President-elect Trump will go back on his promise to repeal Obamacare.

…that there’s no way President-elect Trump will go back on his promise to throw all the Mexicans out of the country.

…that there’s no way President-elect Trump will go back on his promise to block all the Muslims from entering the country.

…that there’s no way President-elect Trump will go back on his promise to lock Hillary Clinton up.

…that there’s no way President-elect Trump will ever acknowledge that there might be a valid link between people’s actions and climate change.

…that it’s almost impossible to physically hurt yourself as you’re forced to suddenly reverse all of your political beliefs just because the party you like is doing things you’ve spent years blasting the party you hate for doing.

…that there’s almost a 100% chance this is the last Happy Friday you’re gonna have to read in 2016.

Are you feeling thankful now? You’re welcome.

So yes, this is probably the last Happy Friday until next year. The plan was always to stop after the election and then come back the first time the new President pissed me off. So you can use that as your guide as to when you might expect the next one of these. I kind of want to do another Christmas one, but there’s also a little writing project I want to do in December and if that ends up working out at all, the Christmas Happy Friday gets dumped. But 2017. Gonna be bigly. Real bigly.

The reason last week’s Happy Friday was supposed to come out last Thursday was because last Thursday was Happy Friday’s 21st birthday and I thought it would be nice to acknowledge the day when this newsletter was finally old enough to drink legally. If I had realized the occasion was coming a little earlier, I would’ve tried to put together some kind of post-election party for it. But even though last year we had Happy Friday’s 20th birthday, somehow I didn’t get the fact that 21 followed 20 and so I figured this all out way too late to make a plan. What do you want, I’m no math major (oh no, now I’m recycling jokes from the late, great?, Coverup Report, so it’s definitely time to go). Therefore, any of you folks who attended that Happy Friday party back in the 90s can look back fondly on the one and only official Happy Friday event I’ve ever been able to organize in 21 years. And if you want to drink a shot in Happy Friday’s honor, I won’t stop you.

Now go on back to stuffing your turkey, or yanking your giblets, or scooping your cranberry jelly, or squeezing your cider, or baking your pie, or polishing your cornucopia, or slapping your pilgrim, or sailing your Mayflower, or candying your yams, or stirring your gravy, or hoisting your parade balloon, or marching your wooden soldier, or whatever it is you’ve gotta do to get through the day and, as always, have a Happy Trumpsgiving! Oh, wait, sorry, that’s not what it’s called.

Yet.

T “I would be perfectly happy with some toast and popcorn right about now” green

I’m Tgreen and this is Happy Friday, your last stop before Nixon 2: Electric Boogaloo.

Former Attorney General Janet Reno, the first woman to hold that position, died this week at age 78. But her legacy will live on forever, or at least as long as Will Ferrel can fit into a dress.

I have to admit it feels weird to use the phrase “first woman to hold that position” to describe anyone associated with Bill Clinton because, well, you know what I’m getting at here.

New Jersey Governor Chris Christie said this week that he had no memory of any of his aides describing the Bridgegate situation to him when they said in sworn testimony that they had done so. He said all he could recall from the day in question was his iPod hit him with Born to Run in the morning as he was getting dressed, his pork roll with cheese at breakfast had an extra slice of pork roll, he drove his car through a puddle and splashed a Democrat, the local McDonalds took his 2 for 1 Big Mac coupon even though it had expired, he beat Mitt Romney in a game of Risk, proving he would have made a better world leader, he got two cherries on his hot fudge sundae at dessert, and he went to bed listening to a 1985 Springsteen bootleg, but no, his memory was foggy on any mentions of bridge traffic.

An American satellite abandoned in 1967 has begun transmitting agin after 46 years. It’s first message was an NBC News clip saying it looks like nothing but smooth sailing for Dick Nixon in the 1972 election.

President Obama’s approval rating climbed to 55% this week, which is going to sound pretty ironic in 3…2…1…

Breaking News! The results of the 2016 Presidential Election are in! And America, are you ready to get grabbed by the pussy? I sure hope so, because President-elect Donald Trump just swung by Costco to buy the big box of Tic Tacs and he’s heading your way. Yes, as we all know, former reality show host and former WWE guest manager and former expert in bankruptcy law and longtime lingering dick ache Donald Trump was elected President this week. I got a peek at his upcoming schedule, and it looks pretty packed:

December: Rape trial

December: Racketeering trial

January: Inauguration

It’s gonna be a pretty busy couple of months for the President-elect, isn’t it? And it just stays busy, as you’ll see when you take a look at…

Tgreen’s Top Ten Things on Donald Trump’s First 100 Days Agenda:

10. Piss on Constitution, except for that Second Amendment part

9. Appoint Chris Christie Secretary of Taylor Ham

8. Send Obama back to his homeland in Kenya

7. Fire Chris Christie and tell him it’s Pork Roll, not Taylor Ham, stupid

6. Start working on list of which campaign promises he should break first

5. Figure out which room will be Putin’s

4. Launch search for new, younger Melania

3. Release decree declaring himself 44th President to erase every last sign that Obama existed

2. Find space for Giuliani’s crypt

1. Implement Order 66

I also got a peek at House Speaker Paul Ryan’s schedule and while he did scratch out Hillary’s name from his January 21st Impeachment hearing, the hearing itself is still on there. Huh, wonder what that means.

Donald Trump did get some other good news this week. That tax audit he kept going on about during the election? It’s been cancelled, effective 4PM, January 20, 2017. Everything’s coming up Donald!
Trump does have to get to work quickly to put together a cabinet. Some names being tossed around include Rudy Giuliani, Newt Gingrich, and Chris Christie. There’s no way Christie fits in with this group, though. He hasn’t even cheated on one wife yet. Giuliani, Gingrich and Trump will just laugh at him in staff meetings if he doesn’t change that.

Though if he does get a job in the Trump administration, Christie might be the first cabinet member who needs to get a Presidential pardon before he gets a job offer.

I know, in hindsight some of Nixon’s guys could’ve used the same thing but no one knew that for sure until his second term kicked in.

I hear Sarah Palin’s name has come up too. But for god’s sake, don’t anybody say Dick Cheney’s name three times.

I’ll tell you, though, who knew the KKK endorsement would carry so much weight?

Just out of curiosity, since our new President is such an advocate of getting more guns into more people’s hands, does this mean the White House is now going to be an open carry zone? Asking for a friend.

Although really, no matter how you might feel about the results of this election, you have to accept that the people have spoken. I mean, the people have also made the Big Mac one of the biggest selling menu items in history and the people kept According to Jim on the air for like a thousand years, but still, the people have spoken. Slightly less than half the people who voted, but still. I mean, you can’t whine about the popular vote vs the Electoral College just because your candidate lost. Only the sorest of sore losers would do something like that.

Don’t go looking for those Tweets either, because he deleted them. For very Presidential reasons, no doubt. Man, I expect to look back at that old 18 1/2-minute gap in the tape as such a quaint thing to be upset about.

This week Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell announced that the Senate will move swiftly to repeal Obamacare. In its place, every American will receive a bottle of Robitussin and a SpongeBob Band Aid. Republicans can do this because they have the majority and Donald Trump has a mandate. Just remember, kids – and this knowledge will serve you well in the future – the way politics works is like this: when a Republican wins an election, it’s a mandate. When a Democrat wins an election, it’s an obstacle to find a way around.

There was an awkward moment when President Obama met with Donald Trump at the White House this week and Trump flipped Obama a quarter and asked for a shoe shine before the President showed up.

Trump could prove me a liar there but he didn’t allow the press to come with him to the meeting. Oh well.

Yeah, I think what I’m going to miss most of all is the First Amendment. I’ve grown somewhat fond of that one.

But you know, it’s not really a mystery why Trump won. He’s gonna drain the swamp. Yep, drain the swamp. Come on Donny, drain the swamp. Who wouldn’t want that? Who can look at the way our government has worked the last 30–40 years and honestly say that draining the swamp is a bad idea? Right?

But wait a second, what was that name I saw on Trump’s To Fuck The Country List? Newt Gingrich? Newt fucking Gingrich? Saying you’re draining the swamp and then bringing in Newt Gingrich is like, if I may go all comic book nerd on you for a second, kicking out the Heap but inviting Swamp Thing to drop by for a spell. And yes, there’s a much more obvious comic book character I could’ve used in that analogy there but I decided to spare you all from associating Newt Gingrich with the Giant-Sized Man-Thing. You’re welcome.

And you really want to drain the swamp? What was that other name I just saw up there? Mitch McConnell? Mitch fucking McConnell? Mitch McConnell is the fucking swamp. Think I’m being too partisan picking on two Republicans? That’s fair. The fact is, there’s people in Congress from both parties who got into office when at most there were only three Star Wars movies. At most. Only three. Yes, that’s a long fucking time ago in a galaxy right outside your fucking door. You want to drain the swamp, stop voting for these guys. You didn’t need Barack Obama to do that. You don’t need Donald Trump to do that.You just need to get up off your ass and educate yourself on the candidates and the issues and then you need to go out and vote and, oh, I see. I get it now. Never mind. This is how you get the country’s first social media President.

You see more Trump supporters on social media demanding that Amy Schumer keep her promise to leave the country if Trump is elected than you see Trump supporters demanding that Trump keep the promises he made to get elected in the first place. Though maybe that’s because it’s not clear which of Trump’s promises were real and which were just talk. I don’t want to say Trump did not always deliver a consistent message but the man has managed to end a sentence on the exact opposite side of an issue from where he started it. It’s good to keep an open mind, but your positions should at least stay in the same area code.

So we’ve got Trump, and we’ve got protestors, and we’ve even got Trump on the protestors.

Unfair? Un fucking fair? Trump thinks two days of protest aren’t fair? He doesn’t even have a bloated bag of dicks going on TV screaming that he wasn’t born in this country yet. Maybe it’s time for him to toughen up a little bit. Thicken the old orange hide. Because the fact is every President sparks an outrage in someone. Every President ends up with people hating him. Every President walks away with an approval rating parked well south of 50%, which means more than half the people can no longer stand the sight of him. Well, except the allegedly Kenyan one. He’s up around 55% now, and I suspect Trump might help bump him up another couple of points before January. So maybe it’s time for Trump to put the Twitter down and act like a President. Because the job gets a whole lot harder than a couple of days of protests.

I honestly don’t even know what the protestors expect to accomplish. What’s a protest going to do? That’s not the American way. We don’t protest when we get an election result we don’t like. When we get a President that for some reason scares us. No, what we do is we dehumanized the opposition. We work to undermine it. We work to bring the entire government to a standstill when we don’t get our way. We expend so much of our time and energy pointing out the shortcomings of the other side that there’s no time to make sure our own side is behaving properly, but we don’t care because the other side is clearly wrong and everyone needs to know it. We refuse to do the jobs to which we are elected because if we do them we might allow the opposition to accomplish something. We lie and we spread rumors. We interpret the Constitution in whatever way is the most convenient to our point of view on that particular day. We crank out propaganda 24/7 and we call it fair and we call it balanced and we wrap ourselves in our holy book of choice while acting in the most godless ways possible and we convince ourselves we’re right because the other side is evil. We ignore every principle we claim to have if we can get a leg up on the other side and we shame the other side if we think we caught it doing the same thing. We spend every day for 8 years bemoaning an election result we did not like and we work against our country’s own interests because we can’t afford to let the other side look good for even a second. And then when we finally do win again we immediately tell the losing side that the people have spoken and they need to get over it. Protesting? Only whiny children would ever think of protesting an election result.

But here we are, staring another Inauguration in the face. And I know this whole Happy Friday went off the rails paragraphs ago, but I also know nobody made it this far so I’m okay with it. Half the country is happy right now and half is miserable, as it should be. As it usually is after a big election. It’s worse now because there are people genuinely scared about what this all means, and they have genuinely good reasons for feeling that way. But it will pass, I think. Trump will take office and do whatever it is he’s going to do and the mood in this country will even out. As it does. As it must. And a year from now, all of today’s happy people and all of today’s miserable people will be able to agree…that we all made a terrible mistake.

See you next time for an anniversary and a break.

T “do you recall what was revealed the day the music died” green

I’m Tgreen and this is Happy Friday, the weekly post that’s just counting down the days until one way or the other, the country ends up a living, breathing Happy Friday joke.

This week Republican Presidential candidate Donald Trump blasted Facebook, Google and Twitter for burying the story about the FBI investigation into Hillary Clinton’s emails. I have to admit I totally missed this story at first. I was too busy reading all 6,000 stories about Hillary and the FBI that turned up in my Facebook and Twitter feeds.

Of course, 25,000 people retweeted Trump’s complaint and 50,000 liked it, and at least half of those people weren’t named Trump or Pence or Giuliani, so I think it’s safe to say people heard about the FBI thing.

It sounds like Hillary’s really worried about what they might find in her latest batch of emails, though. As a preventative measure she had half the board of the Clinton Foundation killed this week. In a car accident. Caused by a heart attack. That was sparked by a deflected gun shot from a nearby grassy knoll. Outside of the secret Illuminati meeting place. Whose address is hidden in a passage from the Old Testament. Which I learned about on an X Files episode that was produced in 1993. Which is the year Vince Foster died.

Boom. Mind blown, right?

New reports claim that Trump has not paid his pollster and owes him $750 million. It’s not Trump’s fault, though. The contract clearly stated that all polls needed to show Trump leading by 350% or no payment was required.

Gotta read that fine print, kids.

This week a Russian missile company unveiled the RS–28, a 100-ton ICBM rocket with a 6,835-mile range nicknamed the Satan–2, which they claimed could wipe out parts of the earth the size of Texas or France. They said they originally wanted to name the rocket the Trump–2, but it’s not capable of nearly the amount of destruction as the actual Trump.

A man in Portland, ME was arrested for obstructing traffic while dressed as an evergreen tree. To find out why he did this, you’ll have to wait for Stephen King’s next novel, Salem’s Tree, due in Spring, 2017.

Donald Trump’s wife Melania Trump said in a speech this week that our culture has gotten too mean and there’s too much bullying. She added that as First Lady she would like to start an anti-bullying campaign, noting that she can cut the amount of online bullying by a solid 70% just by taking her husband’s phone away after midnight.

A new report says a chimpanzee in the Pyongyang Zoo in North Korea smokes a pack of cigarettes a day. Authorities say this isn’t so bad, since the more time he spends smoking, the less time he has to blow up the Statue of Liberty and destroy human civilization.

Researchers from the American Chemical Society concluded this week that eating 262 pieces of “Fun Size” Halloween candy could be lethal. Or you could eat 6 circus peanuts and get the same results.

Thanks to the large number of threatening clown sightings around the world, McDonalds announced it would stop displaying Ronald McDonald in public. It does reserve the right to continue to display the McRib in public, as long as there are no threatening sightings of pig anuses in the near future.

In other McDonald’s news, the fast food giant also announced the Grand Mac this week. The Grand Mac is a Big Mac with 66% more beef than a regular Big Mac, an extra slice of cheese and a larger bun. And the Value Meal comes with fries, a drink and a Last Will and Testament with optional DNR form.

The Grand Mac also raises the question, what’s 66% of “almost none”?

New York Mets closer Jeurys Familia was arrested this week after an alleged domestic violence incident. The identity of the victim has not been released yet, but clearly whoever it was was not standing in the strike zone during a playoff game, because everyone knows Familia can’t hit that.

This week the FBI began searching through 650,000 emails on the computer of Hillary Clinton aide Huma Abedin to see if any of them are relevant to Clinton’s use of a private email server while she was Secretary of State. Obviously 650,000 emails is a lot of email, but the FBI is already finding patterns in what’s in this treasure trove of information, as you’ll see when you take a look at…

Tgreen’s Top Ten Most Repeated Phrases in Huma Abedin’s Emails:

10. Honey, please clean the keyboard when you’re done using the computer

9. I’d like to change my picks in the Hillary Death Pool again

8. Not tonight, Bill, I have a headache

7. Not tonight, Hillary, I have a headache

6. Seriously, honey, it takes two seconds to wipe the keyboard down

5. Code Red! Code Red! Code, oh, wait, no, false alarm. They haven’t found that email account yet after all

4. Dear Bernie, I would like to sincerely apologize…

3. For fuck’s sake, honey, half these keys are stuck. Please clean the keyboard already

2. Updated Hillary Campaign Promise Price List

1. Honey, do you know a SexxxyGurl15? I think this is spam

And that’s all we have time for this week. Come back next time to find out if we’re looking at a shitty next four years, or a shitty next four years. Until then, vote early, vote often, write in Tgreen on your ballot next Tuesday because if even just half of you do I could get upwards of three votes, stop pretending you were a Cubs fan before the ninth inning of Game Seven, go see the new Doctor Strange movie and about halfway through stand up and shout, “where the hell is Paste Pot Pete?!?”, just admit that you’re only one Fun-Size Snicker bar away from full blown Type 2 Diabetes at this point, choose your side for this year’s War on Christmas, stop watching election coverage and start watching Bugs Bunny, place your bets on what will happen again sooner – the Dixie Chicks turning up at another country music awards show or the Cubs winning another World Series, keep your feet on the ground and reach for the stars and, as always, have a Happy Friday!

T “I am not a crook” green

I’m Tgreen and this is Happy Friday, the weekly post that would love to show you some new jokes, because believe me we have some of the greatest jokes of all time here, jokes like you would not believe, we’ve got plenty of them, but since Happy Friday is being audited we can’t show them to you right now.

A new survey released this week shows that 40% of the electorate doesn’t think either Hillary Clinton or Donald Trump are funny. Which is weird, since I’ve considered them both a joke for over a year now.

Still, that statistic is not too bad, because it means 60% of the electorate does think they’re funny, which is 100% better than Happy Friday ever did in a poll like that.

A new analysis of unusual messages from deep in space has scientists believing they’re the work of alien intelligence. And if so, it appears they’re friendly aliens, since the most recent message is a JPG of their most popular book, a little something entitled To Serve Man.

Anheuser-Busch announced this week that it completed the world’s first beer shipment done by a self-driving truck. And in a related story, law enforcement officials announced that their recently-introduced self-driving Sheriff’s car obviously still needs some work.

This week Arby’s announced it will offer venison sandwiches in 6 deer-hunting states. This is a big step for Arby’s because it’s the first time they’re announcing up front exactly what animal it is they’re slipping between those buns.

Telecommunications giant AT&T bought Time Warner this week. The deal will now allow customers to get Time Warner content with the same speed and efficiency with which AT&T delivers its cell service. Which means if you start watching the Season 7 Game of Thrones trailer right now, it might stop freezing and skipping by the time the new season starts next year.

Hundreds of women in yoga pants marched through Barrington, Rhode Island this week to defend their right to wear them. And in related news, Bill Clinton spent the week campaigning for his wife Hillary in Rhode Island.

A hiker in California was attacked after he interrupted two bears in the process of mating. Apparently it wasn’t the interruption that got him in trouble as much as it was the attempt to join in.

A convenience store robber in Connecticut was arrested after he asked an officer for directions to a nearby pastry shop. If only he’d stolen a Twinkie along with everything else he’d probably still be free.

This week marked the 112th birthday of the NYC Subway. It also marked the 112th birthday of the first late A train.

The city of Jakarta, Indonesia, in an attempt to rid the place of rats, is offering a bounty of $1.59 per rat. And in related news, NYC Mayor Bill DiBlasio was recently spotted chartering a really big plane and making several mysterious trips down into the subway before taking off in the general direction of Indonesia.

This week Twitter announced that it will be shutting down its Vine video service. And in other news, Twitter has a video service named Vine.

New emails released by Wikileaks appear to show that former President Bill Clinton used the Clinton Foundation to get rich by trading influence. When asked to comment on the latest controversy, Clinton said, “I did not have sexual relations with that…uh, wait, sorry, that’s just a reflex response at this point.”

A drunk Texas teenager crashed her SUV into a patrol car after taking a topless Snapchat selfie, according to the most 2016 story of 2016.

The FBI announced that it found new emails that have compelled it to revisit the investigation into Hillary Clinton’s use of a private email server. The emails were found during the investigation into Anthony Weiner’s sexting scandal. You’ve gotta hand it to Hillary. If there’s one way to scare off both the FBI and Wikileaks from looking too closely at your email, the threat of finding a Carlos Danger dick pic in there is sure a good place to start.

Justin Timberlake got into some trouble this week for taking a selfie inside a voting booth while he cast his ballot, which is illegal in some states. Timberlake said he didn’t know this, and it’s not a surprise because a lot of people don’t know the rules about acceptable voting booth behavior, which brings us to…

Tgreen’s Top Ten Other Things You Can’t Do Inside a Voting Booth:

10. Cast your vote for this week’s Dancing With The Stars
9. Change into Superman
8. Have a 5-minute makeout session with Jimmy Fallon (Sorry, that’s one of Tgreen’s Top Ten Other Things Justin Timberlake Can’t Do In A Voting Booth Anymore)
7. Try on a new pair of khakis
6. Call your weed guy
5. Go on Snapchat all Carlos Danger style
4. Accept a delivery from Dominos
3. Make a confession
2. Write a decent Top Ten list
1. Choose between two highly qualified candidates who spent the entire campaign season clearly and respectfully outlining their opposing views to ensure that the electorate is able to make an informed decision based entirely on the important issues of the day…at least not this year

And that’s all we have time for today. Until next time, keep your plane on the runway, try to get more tricks than treats, stop trying to pretend you give a crap about the World Series, be mindful of ghosts, don’t be the house that gives out circus peanuts for Halloween, open a tab, enjoy all 100 Floors of Frights, have a Fresca, play that funky music, white boy and, as always, have a Happy Friday!