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By Tgreen, October 13, 2010 4:41 pm

If you’ve ever read this blog before, you’ve probably seen some mention or other to National Novel Writing Month, the writing “competition” that asks you to write a 50,000-word novel in the month of November. I put the word competition in quotes because this isn’t a contest with a fabulous cash prize and it’s not some kind of writing fight club (though if it was that last one, I probably wouldn’t be able to talk about it anyway, but it’s not). Sure, there are tens of thousands of other writers out there doing the same thing all month, but the only one you’re in competition with for NaNoWriMo is yourself.

On one hand, this is good, because you know yourself pretty well and you know how quickly you fold under pressure, so you should be easy to beat in any kind of competition. Especially one that doesn’t involve running or throwing. But on the other hand, it’s bad, because you know yourself pretty well and you know how quickly you fold under pressure, so you should be easy to beat in any kind of competition. Maybe looking at this as a you v. you battle royale isn’t the best way to go about it. You’ll have yourself psyched out before you even write a word, and if you can’t write your first word, you’re never gonna make it to word 50,000.

It might be best to just drop the word competition completely. It’s not a competition. It’s a task. A difficult one, because those 50,000 words won’t write themselves (believe me, I’ve tried to make that happen and it never does), but not an impossible one. Hell, I’ve done it 3 times already. Got 2 actual books out of it, and 1 that had more than enough words but never quite made it to the end of the story. None of this work was any good, and I’d probably have to shoot anyone who tried to read any of it, but at the end of each month I at least felt like I’d accomplished something with my writing, and that feeling doesn’t happen too often anymore.

All of that said, as November 2010 approached, I wasn’t sure if I wanted to try again. Even if I didn’t remember how tough it was to do this last year while holding down a full-time job, I could read about it in the blog archives. Plus, I just tried something very similar with Script Frenzy this past April (another one where I wrote the pages but didn’t finish the story) so maybe another marathon of writing wasn’t what I needed. And if that wasn’t enough, I could recall the 2 times when I didn’t reach the goal. Didn’t come anywhere close, in fact. Those times I got my ass kicked by the month of November more thoroughly than the Cleveland Browns do every year, and it wasn’t a feeling I was in any hurry to recapture. I figured I’d just not think about it and see what would happen on November 1. I’d either write 2,000 words that day or I wouldn’t, and however that went down would dictate the next 30 days. A simple solution, I thought.

Then I realized that even if I hadn’t consciously decided what I was going to do, somewhere in the back of my brain I’d already made a decision. You see, about a month or so ago I stopped reading fiction. I didn’t stop reading. I still read magazines, and the biography I’ve got as an iBook on my iPad, and I still dragged books along on my daily commute, but they were all nonfiction. And the only time I eliminate fiction from the equation entirely is when I’m doing a big writing project. I used to think I did this because I didn’t want to accidentally swipe from whatever I was currently reading while writing. And maybe this was true on some level. But over the years I had to finally admit that the real reason I didn’t like to read fiction while writing it was because reading stories that were better than mine (which is basically all of them) just knocks the legs out from under me and makes it nearly impossible for me to finish what I’ve started.

(Sidebar: You may recall the post I made over the summer about Catch-22. I still haven’t started rereading that book for both reasons outlined above. I hold the book in so much regard that it would intimidate me enough to make me quit writing by November 5 or so. Plus, there aren’t too many parts of that book I don’t want to steal, so reading it while writing would probably be a horrible idea. It probably won’t be until early next year that I get to crack it open again.)

Long story short (as if), it appears that I’ll be trying to write a novel in November. Even though the little part of my brain that has made this decision may also be the one in charge of Jack Daniels consumption, road trip menus and career planning and therefore never has my best interests at heart, I’m gonna put it in charge and see what happens. And of course, this blog will document the whole ugly process in more detail than last time, because I don’t want to be the only one suffering. In other words, if you hated last November, after another 2 weeks it might be best if you don’t check back again until December 1. No idea which part of my brain will be posting to the blog on that day, but maybe it’ll be able to write a decent joke.

I mean, the law of averages says that’ll happen eventually, right? Why not December 1?

T “writing fool” green

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By Tgreen, October 8, 2010 1:08 pm

Hello and welcome to Happy Thursday!, the blog post that apparently doesn’t care what day it is anymore and will show up whenever the hell it pleases. Kind of like that creepy ex you used to have, except with less liquor and crying.

But not that much less. And now, on to the news…

Drinking a little alcohol during pregnancy is okay for many women, according to a new study commissioned by the Association to Create More NASCAR Fans.

Doctors are working on a new chart to help pregnant women drink safely under these new guidelines. The chart will show how many drinks you can drink before you give birth to, say, a George W. Bush, or how many more you’d have to drink to give birth to a Sarah Palin, or how many more you’d have to drink before you could give birth to the next winner of CBS’s Big Brother.

One of the Pope’s scientists said this week that he would look forward getting the chance to baptize an intelligent extraterrestrial being. Left out of that equation is the fact that if the extraterrestrial was intelligent enough to speak, it would probably have to decline the baptism on the grounds that it’s already a practicing Scientologist. Though if it was really an intelligent alien, it would’ve turned right around once it picked up on this:

httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jOVc4TMjHpk

That story does make me wonder about the guy it quotes, though. “Pope’s scientist” sounds about as likely a position as “Hitler’s rabbi,” doesn’t it? I mean, it’s not like the Church and science have ever friended each other on Facebook, you know.

In an attempt to separate itself from the liberal-leaning cable TV network, MSNBC.com is considering changing its name. Top choice so far? WedontevenknowKeithOlbermann.com.

In a new NBA Jam video game for the Wii, there’s apparently an unlockable team of Democrats, featuring President Barack Obama, Joe Biden, Bill and Hillary Clinton, and Al Gore, as well as a team of Republicans that includes George W. Bush, Sarah Palin, John McCain and Dick Cheney. The game’s creators say that you can create matchups between any combination of players and politicians, but they add that the game box will include a warning about how not to hold the Wii controller if you’re playing as Bill Clinton, for what they term “obvious reasons.”

In sports news, in Game 1 of the National League Division Series, Philadelphia Phillies pitcher Roy Halladay threw only the second no-hitter in postseason play against the Cincinnati Reds. But it’s not all bad news, Reds fans. On the bright side, Pete Rose won a couple of bucks on the game.

And in other sports news, it was recently reported that at this year’s Commonwealth Games, being hosted in India, they’re using large monkeys to police the event areas to keep out smaller monkeys. Which seems like a good idea until you consider that the only reason the smaller monkeys were even there is because they were being used to keep out weasels, who’d originally been brought in to keep out cockroaches, who were only there in the first place to keep away New York Jets fans. And that’s kind of ironic because as it turns out, if the large monkeys get out of hand, the only way to get rid of them is to turn some horny, liquored-up New York Jets fans on them.

Of course, you have to wonder who thought it was a good idea to put the monkeys in charge of security in the first place, as this closed-circuit footage from the Commonwealth Games shows…

httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QyKTAyPcnPg

In religion news, a recent study showed that on a 32-question test about religion, atheists and agnostics scored better than religious believers did, with Roman Catholics doing the worst. Which just goes to prove you don’t need book learnin’ to hate on the gays.

The Wall Street Journal this week reported rumors that Apple has begun work on its next iPhone, possibly to be called the iPhone 5. This, of course, is the journalistic equivalent to reporting rumors that the sun will come up tomorrow. Here’s another hot tech tip for you, WSJ: Apple’s also working on the iPhone 6 and probably has some notes written down for iPhone 7 and 8. You guys can quote me on that. You’re welcome.

In New York City this week, the MTA increased mass transit fares by 17%. But in an attempt to make sure they provide something extra to their customers, the MTA announced that it will also be increasing subway delays, garbled station announcements, and in-car deodorant failures by the same 17%.

A story in The Nation claims that former CNN anchor Lou Dobbs, whose anti-illegal-immigrant stand defined his show for many years, actually employed illegal aliens himself at his horse farm. Dobbs said in response that if there were illegal aliens working on his farm, he didn’t hire them and he didn’t know about it, but he immediately began building a 30′ tall fence around his property to prevent the illegals from ever working for him again.

This week UPS announced it would be hiring 50,000 temp workers for the upcoming holiday season, which ultimately creates 100,000 jobs. 50,000 UPS jobs, and 50,000 brown-shirt-manufacturing jobs, which is good, because the latter industry is still trying to recover from its 1945 collapse.

This week marked the start of the MLB playoffs, which is an exciting time if your team is still playing October baseball, and a big sports void if you root for the Mets or the Pirates or the Cubs or the Angels or any of the other teams that are usually parked in front of the TV by this part of the season. So what if you are one of those unlucky fans without a team in the playoffs? Is there anything you can do to ease the sting of another lost season? Of course there is, as you’ll see when you check out…

Tgreen’s Top Ten Things A Baseball Fan Can Do To Avoid The MLB Playoffs:
10. Buy the latest Strat-O-Matic, put together a team of the best, most exclusive players, beat up on your friends’ teams (aka “pulling a Yankees”)
9. Introduce yourself to those small humans wandering around your house who’ve been calling you “daddy” since April
8. Rent the DVD set that covers the last time your team won a World Series and watch that over an over (Cubs fans, you’re gonna have to rent the teletype)
7. Buy a 6-pack, hunker down in front of the TV, and yell at the officiating on Dancing With The Stars
6. Tune in to the start of the NHL season (fans of the Rangers, Islanders, Coyotes or Ducks might want to skip this one just to avoid the same problem in April)
5. Call your doctor and tell him you don’t need the full strength cholesterol medicine anymore since you won’t be eating 3 hot dogs a day again until next Spring
4. Use the extra time to make your best “Wait ’til Next Year!” t-shirt design ever
3. Flip over to the NASCAR Chase, since you don’t really care about that either but at least you might see a car crash
2. Head on down to the theater to see Katherine Heigl in Life As We Kno oh wait, it’s already out on DVD
1. Have you met the NFL?

And that’s all we have time for this week. Be sure to come back next time for an official Happy Friday!, though I can’t guarantee what day of the week it’ll turn up.

T “ape shall never kill ape” green

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By Tgreen, September 29, 2010 10:51 pm

Hello and welcome to Happy Wednesday, the blog post that would consider wishing you a Happy Hump Day, but it isn’t sure if it likes you in that way.

This week New York City’s Mayor Bloomberg had removed from the classroom a teacher who previously worked as a hooker. This makes no sense in these difficult economic times. You have someone who could teach Economics and Sex Ed and you want to fire her?

Jersey Shore cast member Snooki announced this week that she’ll be writing a book to be released in 2011. Which means she’ll have written one more book than she’s read, and that seems wrong.

In Canadian news, CBC announced that it will be broadcasting a hockey game in 3D this season. And if they had television in Canada, this would be a very big deal.

California’s first execution attempt in 5 years had to be cancelled due to a shortage of lethal injection drugs. Which makes you wonder, if they haven’t even tried to execute anyone in 5 years, how did they manage to run out of lethal injection drugs?

Actor Tony Danza is teaching English in a Philadelphia high school as part of a new reality show. I’d suggest that instead of English they at least have Danza teach a subject he actually passed in high school, but I think I already see what direction that takes us in.

My only guess is he’s teaching English the way he uses it — as a second language.

So, Tony Danza’s teaching and Snooki’s writing. This is what happens when an infinite number of monkeys with an infinite number of typewriters kill themselves in protest over what’s happening to out language.

In testimony offered by seven former U.S. Air Force pilots this week, it was revealed that they had seen UFOs descend on nuclear missile locations and interfere with the operation of these missiles. The pilots said they believe this means the aliens are trying to tell us to get rid of all nuclear weapons. This could be the correct interpretation, of course, but isn’t it also possible that the aliens were enticed here by this…

httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jOVc4TMjHpk

In an interview in the latest Rolling Stone, President Obama suggests that Democrats need to “buck up,” something that would probably be a lot easier if the previous 10 years had left anyone with a buck to do something with.

On October 3rd, Germany will make its final reparations payment for World War I, which means maybe you shouldn’t give up on getting that 20 bucks back from your deadbeat college roommate just yet.

The IRS said this week it will no longer be mailing out tax forms. It’s about time they took the hint. I wasn’t sending them back, so there was no reason to keep sending them to me except to make me feel bad.

In case you haven’t heard, New York City is slowly but surely being taken over by bedbugs. Besides being creepy and disgusting, these bugs are annoyingly hard to get rid of. You all remember the old saying, “Good night, sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite,” but are you aware of the other ways besides biting that bedbugs can annoy you? If not, you will after you read…

Tgreen’s Top Ten Other Ways Bedbugs Are Annoying:
10. Cut the line at the bus stop
9. Take the last jelly donut and leave you with the one with the coconut flakes on it
8. Constantly spoil the cliffhanger ending to last week’s Gossip Girl
7. Chew their Grape Nuts with their mouths open
6. Tell your girlfriend about that woman who was flirting with you at the office
5. Root for the Philadelphia Eagles
4. Mock you for your naive provincialism while enjoying a Jerry Lewis movie (oh, sorry, that’s one of Tgreen’s Top Ten Other Ways The French Are Annoying)
3. ignore your numerous friend requests on Facebook
2. Won’t share their cheese fries at lunch
1. Insist on using the theme song from Small Wonder as their ring tone

And that’s all the time we have for this time. Join us tomorrow for Happy Thursday, which I was going to call “Must See Happy Thursday” except for threatened lawsuit from NNC and the potential violation of the Truth in Advertising laws.

T “breakfast bowl” green

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By Tgreen, September 28, 2010 12:27 pm

Hello and welcome to Happy Tuesday, the blog post that follows Happy Monday like the punchline follows the setup. Though I realize by using such technical comedy terms, I may be setting the bar way too high for today’s festivities. There’s only one way to find out…

This week the NFL announced that it’s almost a certainty that the NFL season will be expanding to 18 weeks. And in related news, this week your coworkers announced that it’s almost a certainty that the last thing they need is 2 more weeks of you running your mouth about your damn Fantasy Football team.

The Rock & Roll Hall of Fame announced it’s newest slate of nominees this week. Included on the list is rock group Bon Jovi, prompting the Devil to fire off an email to lead singer Jon Bon Jovi that simply said, “You’re welcome.”

Also on the list for the first time is Neil Diamond. It took him this long to make the list? You can’t be eligible until you’ve been around for at least 25 years, and Neil Diamond’s been around way longer than that. Were they waiting to honor him for The Jazz Singer? Or maybe this…

httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jOVc4TMjHpk

This week The Hollywood Reporter, er, reported that the Star Wars saga might hit theaters in 3D starting in 2012. The series will start, of course, with The Phantom Menace, and the only concern in being able to get things started on time is that no one’s sure if there’s enough computer power on the planet to add the 2 dimensions needed to bump The Phantom Menace up to 3.

A new study shows that out of 33 industrialized nations, the United States has the highest rate of obesity. And the tastiest deserts. In your face, rest of the industrialized world!

In entertainment news, Lindsey Lohan is back in rehab, though rehab says it really just wants to be friends this time around and doesn’t plan on taking the relationship any further in order to avoid the inevitable heartbreak.

A German company plans to bring gold-dispensing ATMs to the United States. The machines will accept credit cards, and can dispense 1 gram, 5 gram, 10 gram and 1 ounce units, as well as gold coins. The machines are surprisingly easy to use, but I can assure you if you’re reading this site, you’ll never be able to afford to find out for yourself.

Police in Texas found incriminating text messages sent from a bank teller to the person who robbed his bank right before the robbery occurred. I’d tell you more, but I wouldn’t want to spoil the Law & Order: Criminal Intent episode no doubt ripping this story from the headlines as I type.

The Emergency Bra, an undergarment that can be quickly converted into a pair of protective face masks, one for the wearer and one for some needy bystander in the event of an emergency, was made available this week. The bra’s inventor is hoping this one sells better than her last safety device, the Emergency Jockstrap.

A new study shows that bans on texting while driving don’t actually prevent accidents. The silver lining? Texting while driving is an effective way to help clear some dead wood from the gene pool. You’ve just gotta think long term on this one, people.

This week orders for the new AppleTV began shipping to customers around the world. For 99 bucks, the AppleTV lets you stream media from your computer to your TV, and also let’s you rent movies and TV shows right from the box. But there are people out there who aren’t satisfied with this. They want more bang for their buck, and won’t buy an AppleTV until they get it. Which brings us to…

Tgreen’s Top Ten Features The AppleTV Needs To Make Everyone Happy:
10. Popcorn popper attachment
9. All episodes of BJ and the Bear available for immediate rental (sorry, that’s one of Tgreen’s Top Ten Features The AppleTV Needs To Make Tgreen Happy)
8. Side order of bacon
7. Button to drop tap-dancing midget into every movie when things slow down
6. Letter from Steve Jobs inviting you to drop by for scones the next time you’re in his neighborhood
5. Creamy caramel center
4. Ability to never download a movie that’s in color, features rock music, or expresses a positive opinion on any event that happened after 1954
3. Express checkout for all Katherine Heigl movies
2. Detailed reviews explaining when, to what degree, and the duration of any nudity might occur in the movie you plan to rent
1. Discount rate on any movie or show that features a cast member from According to Jim

And that’s all we have time for today. Tune in tomorrow for Happy Wednesday, which will look a lot like what you saw today, but with more references to “Hump Day”.

T “this seemed like a good idea at the time” green

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By Tgreen, September 27, 2010 11:27 pm

Hello everyone and welcome to Happy Monday, which is basically the same thing as Happy Friday, just 3 days late. Or 4 days early, if you’re an optimist. But honestly, if you’re an optimist are you even clicking a link to one of these? Unless one must be an optimist to even consider coming here. Hmmm, a philosophical conundrum to be considered at a later date. For now…

This week an old video clip of masturbation-hating, witchcraft-dabbling Republican candidate for Senator Christine O’Donnell featured the Delaware Congressional hopeful saying that evolution is a myth. She then asked why, if evolution were real, monkeys weren’t still evolving. Now that’s a perfectly reasonable question to ask, if you first take a spork and scoop out large portions of your brain, but instead of asking why this hasn’t happened yet, O’Donnell should’ve just thanked her lucky stars that it isn’t happening that way, because we’ve all seen what will happen if monkeys continue to evolve:

httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gb4eZ7Z5yk8

In education news, this week President Obama announced he wants to extend the school year. Because apparently a recent poll showed that grammar school children was the lone demographic that gave him an approval rating over 30% and this was the only thing he could think of that would get them in line with everyone else.

In Worst Product Endorsement Ever news, the owner of the Segway company in England died this week after driving his Segway off a cliff. I’m guessing this means no holiday party?

A new Department of Justice investigation shows that cheating was rampant on the FBI’s domestic spying test. Agents were able to pass the 51 question test by copying from a fellow agent, bringing the answers into the testing room, or exploiting a computer glitch that revealed the test answers. All useful skills should the next domestic spying case need to be broken in an 11th grade midterm.

Bishop Eddie Long of Georgia this week was accused of having sex with several young men in his congregation. These men of the cloth all claim that they hear a calling to do God’s work, and more and more I think the voice that’s calling them must sound like a Jonas brother.

In world news, North Korean leader Kim Jong-il promoted his son Kim Jong-un to the rank of general in anticipation of making his son his successor. Jong-un was chosen for the job because of his intelligence, temperament, and because he rocks the olive drab jumpsuit and sunglasses combo.

This week the UN denied that it was about to name an ambassador in charge of first contact with alien life. And really, can you blame them…

httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jOVc4TMjHpk

The producers of Sesame Street cancelled an appearance by entertainer Katy Perry (I just can’t bring myself to refer to her as “singer” after seeing her on Saturday Night Live) after a video of her singing with Elmo that was posted on YouTube brought down a hail of complaints from parents. The producers didn’t say why exactly they cancelled the appearance, just that they had two reasons. Two big, soft, pillowy reasons.

Last week the UN General Assembly met in New York, tying up traffic for miles. At the time, I complained on Twitter that next summer I was going to go to all the countries in the UN and tie up traffic for them. Since then, I took a look at my budget and realized that I would not, in fact, be able to afford such a large undertaking. So instead I looked into what I can afford to do, which brings us to…

Tgreen’s Top Ten Affordable International Protests:
10. Go to Little Italy and ask for directions to nearest Olive Garden
9. Replace all Spanish language subway signs with English ones
8. Leave a small tip at the IHOP
7. Disrupt game of Chinese Checkers
6. Give away ending to every movie at Godzilla marathon
5. Go to Irish pub and ask for English muffin
4. Start rigged game of Russian Roulette in Coney Island
3. Blast Blame Canada at the Tim Horton’s on 33rd St
2. Overturn Risk board before your opponent can win
1. Rent every copy of Crocodile Dundee from Netflix to deny the rest of the country the opportunity to enjoy Paul Hogan’s lighthearted antics

And that’s all we have time for today. Join us in way less time than is really advisable for Happy Tuesday!

T “me and my shadow” green

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By Tgreen, September 12, 2010 8:08 am

Summer’s over and the football season is upon us. Sorry, Cleveland, but you knew it was coming. Now, the teams might be ready to play, but are you ready to watch? In case your summer left you unsure, you can figure it out by checking…

Tgreen’s Top Ten Ways To Tell You’re Ready For Some Football:
10. Had three erotic dreams about Terry Bradshaw last week
9. Wasted entire summer following the New York Mets
8. Blood/Nacho Cheese Sauce ratio finally shifted back in favor of “blood”
7. Sacked the guy at the coffee stand twice on Friday
6. Bought the new Madden game, already wore out the disc
5. Started charging a seat licensing fee for that brother-in-law who always hangs out at your house
4. Seriously considered getting your team colors tattooed on your face to save time
3. Slapped every coworker on the ass after every staff meeting since May
2. Changed your newborn’s diaper and almost spiked him
1. Restraining order Rex Ryan got against you is finally about to expire

Now hit that couch and watch some football!

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By Tgreen, August 8, 2010 11:51 pm

Could this possibly be the dirtiest movie poster for a mainstream movie? I think it just might be:

It’s almost like the studio knows the worst possible movie idea would be to make a CGI, 3D version of Yogi Bear, but they did it anyway, and so the only way to try and get out from under that turd burger is to make a promo poster that’s so disturbing, it immediately burns itself into your retinas and ensures that if nothing else, you’re aware that this movie exists. Now parents, if you’re wondering what to say if your kids ask, “What’s Yogi doing to Boo Boo?”, I can’t help you. You’re on your own there. Mostly because I don’t want to believe what this picture makes me suspect, but that tagline really kind of seals the deal, doesn’t it?

A common meme when the Star Wars prequels were coming out and disappointing legions of fans was the idea that “George Lucas raped my childhood.” I scoffed at anyone who said anything like that back then. But if anyone wanted to start complaining about their childhood getting raped by this movie, I’m not sure what I’d say. I mean, this picture kind of looks like my childhood is actually raping my childhood, and that creates a feedback loop of disturbing thoughts that no one should have to confront. Basically, if any Yogi Bear image anywhere can cause for even a moment the word “reacharound” to be pondered, something has gone totally awry. No wonder I hardly ever go to the movies anymore.

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By Tgreen, August 5, 2010 12:45 am

The summer of ’87. Not my happiest summer ever. That summer I’d finished my first year of college, but because I was in a program that would allow me to alternate one semester of school with one semester of work in my field of study (aerospace engineering, if you can believe it), I had to complete 3 semesters of school in a row to get enough credits under my belt to qualify. So, summer of ’87, after two of the most intense academic semesters I’d endured to that point, I had to do a third. Not the smartest thing I could have done, but I was 19 and what did I know?

I think I took 4 classes that summer. Two engineering classes in the back half of the summer, and Calculus 3 and a humanities class in the front half. I don’t remember what the humanities class was, but it was probably the easiest of the four classes. It would almost have to be.

I have a couple of clear memories of that summer. I read a lot of articles about the 20th anniversary of Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band and the 10th anniversary of Elvis’ death. I inhaled several pounds of dust working my job in the ancient stacks of my school’s library. I damn near wore out the cassettes of Steve Earle’s Exit 0, Dwight Yoakam’s Hillbilly Deluxe and Rosanne Cash’s King’s Record Shop. Exit 0 in particular got tons of play that summer. If I started playing it when I got on the B41 at night, it would finish up as I walked up to my front door. I also wasted some time chasing after a girl in one of my engineering classes, but I was one broke, burned out, miserable bastard that summer, so not surprisingly my main companion during those months was my Walkman.

And there’s one other thing I remember from that summer. My humanities class, whatever it was called, assigned Catch-22 as one of the books to read. I’d heard of, and probably used, the phrase “Catch-22” at that point, but had no idea what the book was about. Turns out it’s a book about World War II, among other things. Also turns out this book would become one of the best books I’ve ever read.

Catch-22 doesn’t follow a linear timeline. It jumps around quite a bit, and you have to pay attention but that doesn’t mean it’s really hard to follow. One of my library bosses took the same class a year later and hated the book because it wasn’t linear, which I found amusing since that was one of the things I liked best about it. And I’m pretty sure that at least one person on the writing staff for the first 3 seasons of M*A*S*H (the only seasons worth watching, by the way) was a fan, because I remember reading several scenes that were mighty familiar and were only missing Hawkeye and Radar to be practically an episode transcript.

Ultimately, I liked the book enough to drag out my battered old copy every couple of years, until it was lost sometime during the great Tgreen’s Farewell Tour of 2003 (and the less said about that, the better). I thought about replacing it, but always decided that if I was going to read it again, I’d want to read the copy that had taken all those trips on the B41, survived multiple lunches and dinners scarfed down out front of the school building, and then joined me on the commutes to at least 2 jobs upon graduation. No new copy of the book was going to be an acceptable replacement.

A couple of weeks ago I was digging around my storage space looking for a photo album that continues to elude me when I suddenly found myself face to face with my 1987 vintage copy of Catch-22, looking about the same as I remembered it. Pretty soon it’ll be joining me on yet another commute, and I’ll probably use this space to bore you with the details as I take a crack at this book for the first time in at least a decade.

Could be worse, though. I could use this space to share more memories of the summer of ’87. Trust me, you’re way better off reading about me reading Catch-22.

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By Tgreen, June 28, 2010 11:47 pm

Not sure if you’ve been following the news lately, but in Belgium this weekend authorities raided Church property as part of an investigation into sex abuse of minors by members of the clergy. The Pope, not surprisingly, called the raid “deplorable.” And why wouldn’t he? He said he was going to handle it, and these governments think they know best and proceed with their own investigations anyway. Doesn’t anyone understand that it takes time for the Pope to put together a decent investigation? I blame Hollywood. All their police procedurals on TV have people thinking any investigation can be banged out in an hour, less commercials, or maybe 2 hours during sweeps with a special guest appearance by David Caruso. The truth is, investigations take much longer, and Belgium should’ve just chilled out and let the Pope get to this investigation in his own time.

I mean, the man has to contend with a decades-long coverup perpetrated by one of the world’s largest and most powerful organizations. And worse yet, some parts of that coverup were run by exactly the kind of crafty genius who gets himself elected Pope. How would you like it if you spent the bulk of your career moving the criminals around and paying off the victims and hiding the evidence and denying there was a problem and then all of a sudden you’re in charge of the whole shebang and it’s your job to figure out what happened? How could you possibly know what happened? You just spent several decades making sure no one would know what happened, and you were very good at your job, so how can anyone expect you to just solve this one in a mere half decade in charge? It’s not like you even had a problem with the kid-rape for your whole time in office. You looked the other way like all your predecessors did for a couple of years, so anyone expecting you to have this all fixed already was just expecting a miracle, and we all know how often those come around.

So if you’re the Pope, there’s no doubt this weekend’s actions were deplorable. You’re out there spreading the word that it’s now bad to rape children and cover it up, while it’s entirely possible that in some of the far-flung corners of your empire, your minions haven’t gotten the message and are still raping kids and lying about it and moving the rapists along so they can do it all over again the next town over. Yeah, the Church is a big place. No doubt everyone hasn’t gotten the message yet and some of them are still living in the dark ages — the 1960s, a prime time for kid raping in the Church. But that was the old way, the 20th Century way, and we’re in the 21st Century now, a whole century after all this happened, and it can take a Pope a couple of years to make sure everyone has a copy of the new non-child-raping rule book. The Belgians couldn’t wait a little longer to let a Pope do his job? Deplorable.

So in these troubled times for the Pope, I have a tiny bit of advice. Next time you’re feeling down because the Belgians raid a Church or some liberal news outlet with nothing better to do rehashes the same old stories,you should just remember to…

httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WlBiLNN1NhQ

Disclaimer: The author feels this would be a good place to mention that he is not, in any way, shape or form, endorsing the rape of children. He’s not a good enough Catholic to do so.

Comments (0)

By Tgreen, June 18, 2010 5:10 pm

Way too much time on my hands, or fingers, at work today. I have the same resources to do this from the iPad and yet now it’s iPhone 2, iPad 0. Gotta fix that. This is probably first in a series. You’ve been warned.

Note: Neither Tgreen nor Father Reilly, God’s Angriest Servant, endorse using a firing squad to eliminate anyone from the cast of American Idol. They’re all national treasures and we wish them long lives and much happiness, and if a firing squad happened to maybe accidentally wing one of them, but not actually kill them, we would be upset but would find a way to soldier on.